1, the truth is in the inadvertent details
The truth of the way couples get along is often revealed in the details.
Like what:
Lao Wang was asked whether he still loved Ya Qiong, and he replied casually, "Love, but love does not move." ”
Another example:
After the quarrel, Kk took the small doll that Tong Chenjie coaxed him to give and showed off everywhere.
I believe these scenes have happened a thousand times in their lives,
This is the moment when the core truth flashes.
Lao Wang is hard to return, and kk needs to live in pampering.
So why is Guo Keyu so determined to get a divorce?
The truth may be in these two scenarios.
First scenario:
Guo Keyu said that when they were about to divorce, she sent Zhang He a movie called "Married Life", and Zhang He said that he didn't like the film at all, saying that he was nagging from beginning to end.
She frowned and said that a lot of times our communication is like this, not good or bad, just very different.
Second scenario:
In the VIP member's kagen, not in the main film.
Together they went to a pottery house to do handicrafts. Guo Keyu made a vase and painted it. It looks very artistic.
As soon as she happily beckoned Zhang He to add a few strokes, the bottle was instantly "unrecognizable" by Zhang He.
I'm an outsider to be fair about the aesthetic gap between two people.
These are the moments at the tip of the iceberg, silently presenting the most stubborn problems in the marriage of two people.
I think they've tried to communicate a thousand times, but in the end they can't find common ground while reserving differences.
Guo Keyu and Zhang He can be called "dilemma divorce", and there has been no progress in communication, and there has been no progress in ten years.
Until one day Guo Keyu fell ill, let him realize that life is short and he does not want to consume each other anymore. Therefore, he firmly proposed to divorce.
Such divorce exists to get rid of the dilemma that can never be solved.
However, it is also true that the heart is moved in the moment during the journey, and it is also true to turn the heart into a relationship that continues to go deep into the heart and cannot advance it.
2. What exactly is that "wall"?
The issue where the psychology teacher came said that Guo Keyu had a thick wall, which was essentially a logical self-consistent system.
Stubborn differences exist between any couple.
Studies have shown that more than seventy percent of the differences between couples cannot be solved and can only be accepted by each other.
It can be seen that stubborn differences do not necessarily lead to divorce.
Only the evaluation of "differences" can lead to the inability of emotions to flow.
In other words, whether or not to see the difference as a fatal point is the key to the direction of the relationship.
However, there is also a self-confirming prophecy in psychology, that is, a person's view of a thing determines the direction of that thing, for example, if you think that you are a poor student, your behavior will be affected by this self-view, and your grades will always fail to go up.
To make you improve your grades, first of all, subconsciously your perception of yourself changes, you have a reasonable self-expectation, and then your behavior will become more positive, and your grades will really get better.
Guo Keyu has formed a whole set of self-confirming prophecies about "differences", so even if she and Zhang He have made more similarities in psychological tests, she also said that we are very different; and even in the state of emotional relaxation, in essence, they are integrated, and once they are in the evaluation system, they deny it.
The presence of that wall blocks the emotion, which in turn proves the prejudgment in her heart, and you see we really can't get better.
3, emotional lubrication is not enough, the evaluation system is more powerful
It is impossible to go from the heart to the deep relationship, but also because of the lack of another mechanism in the relationship, "love lubrication".
The lubrication of love is completely sensual and helps to improve the "tolerance for difference".
To put it simply, Guo and Zhang's long-term communication has caused insufficient savings in the "bank of love", and the two people have not saved enough warmth, care and appreciation because they have not saved enough, and the result is that there is no space to open tolerance when facing differences.
When the perceptual activation is insufficient, reason prevails.
A simple manifestation of rational dominance is judging each other.
The two people have said many times that after the birth of the child, that is, after a year of marriage, they will no longer have the time for the couple to be alone, and Guo Keyu's mind is on the child. Coupled with the fact that she was very sensitive, some words, she said, and as a result, she hit a nail in the thick line of Zhang he, so she chose not to say anything again, and the two people gradually crossed into a one-way line.
Zhang He himself also knew, "The communication with Guo Keyu is not frequent, mainly because it does not make the other party comfortable." After you are comfortable, when there are differences to persuade the other party, she will understand you. ”
4. Greasy and crooked
Travel is completely relaxing and extremely conducive to emotional communication, which they have not had in ten years.
So this trip, for them, is progressing.
It can be seen that the importance of completely perceiving the evaluation system is to put aside the evaluation system.
If the time is a little longer, there are more moments in life that do not look at differences, but instead establish common feelings, they will slowly communicate better.
The solid ice of reason ends up loosening and melting with a steady stream of love.
This issue actually talks about the power of this emotion as well.
When Zhang He was asked whether he needed sweet words or some greasy life?
Zhanghe wanted to explain, and kk directly interrupted Zhanghe's speech and said, "Explain the ten episodes of the program, just ask if you need it!" Zhang He directly admitted that it was also needed.
Guo Keyu said that Zhang He could not afford to flirt. This is exactly the straight man who eats soft and does not eat hard, encounters gentle and powerless resistance, not to mention Zhang He's ten-year marriage, is very eager for such warmth.
What is triggered by the gruff is the emotional model, which is emotional investment. And when a relationship emotional investment is not enough, when the emotional start is not enough, it is always in the rational circle.
One of the manifestations of circling in reason is the ineffective communication that is harder than the mouth and lost in language.
Zhang He was commented by some people that he spoke directly and always blamed Guo Keyu in the disk, and netizens also said that Guo Keyu was always reading Zhang He's good.
That's because Guo Keyu is rational, always logical and self-consistent, so he looks impeccable and very decent and gentle.
Zhang He is emotionally dominant, because he is impatient about this relationship and wants to ask the truth, but objectively he uses language to provoke Guo Keyu.
But relationships are interactive. Zhang He is actually tougher than Guo Keyu, and when the other party is tough, he is tougher.
In fact, many people who use reason to isolate emotions are knife-mouthed in language, and such language is not credible.
Assuming hit by words, your relationship interactions will get lost in the struggle for self-esteem.
For example, a child who did not go to the kindergarten to pick him up on time because his mother worked overtime, he went from disappointment to sadness to grievance, and when he saw his mother finally coming, he would say, "Mom is a bad person, I really don't want you to come, I don't need you." ”
Will you take this child's words seriously?
The child was merely telling of his grievances and disappointments.
We adults express it more subtly but substantively the same. The more you crave love, the more you verbally isolate emotional needs, attack and justify yourself, forming a rationalized theory, such as independence.
In fact, emotional needs are under the language. We need love for each other, but we are hurting each other with words.
People are so strange, always using toughness to express their needlessness, however, only if we have touched our own vulnerability, we have contact with the real self and others.
The moment of "breaking defense" in my feelings is the most beautiful moment, that is, I no longer protect myself, but expose my vulnerability.
Like Lao Wang finally said to Zhu Yaqiong, I can't live without you. Lao Wang, who has always been very reasonable, put aside right and wrong, directly expressed emotions, and the lethality was huge, and Zhu Yaqiong was shaken.
In reason, the two are not self-aware of the contradiction.
Because if people have natural emotional flow, they are complete and self-consistent.
However, if you establish a set of evaluation systems and have your own set of rational logic, you are subjectively influenced, it is artificial logic, so it often contradicts itself.
In the trailer, Guo Keyu said to Zhang He with tears, thank you for protecting me very well in the past ten years, letting me read books and watch movies at home, which is very luxurious...
The essence of this "protection" she speaks of is the opportunity to lead a spiritual life.
This may be the right place for them.
If you change a talented talent, the spirit is clear, but the emotional ups and downs are huge, maybe her spiritual world cannot be nurtured for a long time. Reference her first love.
Of course, I am only talking about a possibility. What I mean is that the difference in subjectively wanting to reject may be exactly where your subconscious mind is attracted, and the subconscious mind knows exactly what it needs, just like the issue where the psychology teacher came said, you are not just looking for someone to be the father of the child, it is the precise choice of the subconscious mind.
Rational logical self-consistency is only what you are aware of, and ninety percent of a person's potential needs are subconscious.
When you overly agree with rational logical judgments, you are actually self-contradictory.
In fact, there are many full-time mothers like Guo Keyu around, who are originally spiritual girls, indulging in the life of spiritual growth at home, and the result is that they are gradually drifting away from their husbands. One lives in the real world, one lives in the spiritual world, and finally divorces because the spiritual differences are already huge.
As everyone knows, the long-term cultivation of the quiet spirit of the years is exactly his pragmatism, and you have it.
I mean the existence of this difference is actually complete with your own.
Ma Jiahui, a cultural man, once said that his wife is a full-time housewife, does not go to work, reads and writes at home, he said, I want to thank my wife, I support her materially, she supports me spiritually.
How about this confession?
True love, no judgment, only feel that the other party itself is love, just like Tong Chenjie said that love kk toes, even if it turns out that she does not like the feet the most, but no matter how rude things are, now she can accept it and feel liked.
In the eyes of people without love, the difference is intolerable sand, must be kneaded out.
4) Emotional flow is more important than solidified sanity
Get along, not you and me, but the drop of a heart called "we"
The seeds of each other carefully care for this seed to germinate and grow.
The circulation of emotions can make the yin and yang poles constantly interact, giving birth to a third party, a spiritual child, that is, our relationship.
Living in the evaluation system, this is equivalent to a school of its own, the world is the color of my painting, divided into what I want, I don't want. The relationship was sealed by a pre-emptive prophecy.
Emotional isolation is what Lao Wang and Guo Keyu have in common. The reason why Lao Wang can finally have some breakthroughs to open himself is because he still appreciates Zhu Yaqiong, his heart is not closed, he can see that he has emotions, but the flow of emotions is not smooth, which is a matter of expression.
But Guo Keyu's emotional isolation is a choice, she chose to refuse, rational rejection, then even if she has emotions, she will not develop relationships because of this emotion.
I think it has something to do with her current state, she wants to make a comeback and do a career. After spending so many years in the family, for her, what she wants to develop at the moment is the possibility of self, not the possibility of relationship. This is also the compensation for the long-term regret in the heart after the film queen has not engaged in literary and artistic work for a long time.
For a middle-aged woman with particularly high emotional needs, the emotional needs of others at this age are also put down a lot, and she does not want to bother to try the mistake of feelings again. One is tired, the other is the cost is large, in reality it is difficult to have the love she expects, so simply retract the happiness desire to rely on others.
In view of Guo Keyu's current heart of choosing to go on the road alone, his attention is not emotional. Perhaps for Zhang He, the timing of compounding is also not right.
And the idea that reason and emotion are balanced in a relationship that I just said is more applicable to people who have the motivation to do a good deep relationship at this moment.
Zhang He wants a wife, and she wants to be himself. I think it's also very good, there are many kinds of happiness, and a person's self-consistency can bring happiness.
I like the scene of three girls drinking and singing together in the eleventh issue, they sing "laughing red dust": love and hate are written off, and I only want to be happy until I am old.
Yes, there are always moments when freedom is much more important than love.
Although people will continue to reciprocate in different states, and sometimes they will linger on the possibility of intersecting with others, but this is life, in love, in addition to love, we pursue to the fullest.
Do whatever you want, it's fine. Everyone here has been seriously loved and deserves to be blessed.
!["Sense and Sensibility"[fig]](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAP///wAAACwAAAAAAQABAAACAkQBADs=)