Juan
Zhu An, Mr. Lu Xun's original wife, often missed Lu Xun's lover Xu Guangping and his only son Zhou Hainian in his later years.
She had no choice in her life, and before she died, she tearfully poured out a wish: she could not be with Mr. Big in her life, and hoped that she could rest peacefully next to Mr. Big's tomb after death.
But her last wish also fell short, and when she died in the early morning of June 29, 1947, she was empty, desolate and lonely.
After her death, she was buried at Baofu Temple outside Xizhimen, without leaving even a tombstone, just as she had not left a trace in Mr. Lu Xun's life before her death.
In the 1970s, the times changed, and the Qing Dynasty had not yet collapsed.
In 1878, the city of Shaoxing, embraced by rivers, lakes and seas, was in the turbulent situation of the late Qing Dynasty, but it was also prosperous.
In June, the city was slightly hot and warm, the market was full of people, bustling, a local family surnamed Zhu also ushered in good news, a little baby girl in the expectation of her parents fell to the ground.
Zhu's father was in business and did not worry about food and clothing, so he named his daughter "An". Women in the old society did not want to make a difference, and they could live in peace in their lives.
The trajectory of the baby girl's life seems to be clear from the moment it hits: to choose a family with similar conditions, take care of her husband, have children, until she is white-haired and leaves the world.
To this end, Juan learned female red, etiquette, cooking since childhood, and wrapped her feet in four or five years old, listened to her mother's teachings in pain and crying, and stepped into the choreographed life template with "three inches of golden lotus", and became a virtuous and gentle woman in the tao li nianhua.
At that time, Juan also hoped that she could marry Hao Langjun, give birth to a lovely child, and spend her life in chai rice oil and salt.
If she could do so, her life would be stable, and her life would be submerged in the torrent of history, and no one would notice her existence.
However, the man she married was named Lu Xun, a great literary hero who was diametrically opposed to her conservative thinking, and an ideological pioneer who led countless Chinese people to break through oppression and shackles, and even a generation of great people who changed the day clearly pointed out: "The direction of Lu Xun is the direction of the new culture of the Chinese nation." ”
Zhu An, who is carefully crafted by the traditional template, is destined to be incompatible with Mr. Lu Xun, and the marriage between the two is a pool of stagnant water, allowing her to wait for a lifetime, and she cannot create a ripple in Mr. Lu Xun's heart.
Although she had never pleased her husband for half a day in her life, her flattery to him began before she married him.
That year was the sixth day of the first month of June in the thirty-second year of Guangxu, in the new calendar 1906, under the tedious ceremony of the old-style wedding, she was dressed up in exquisite makeup, wearing new red clothes, and with the most beautiful posture and with a vision of the future, she went to the palanquin.
Lu Xun
Earlier, she had heard that the eldest son of the Zhou family was born in Shuxiangmendi, a young man with lofty ideals, who studied under the Jiangnan Water Teacher's School, actively studied, and had a novel idea. Unfortunately, his grandfather was confused when he entered the DPRK as an official, and was arrested and imprisoned, resulting in the decline of the family.
According to the economic situation of the Zhou family, Juan and him are also a good match.
This marriage was arranged by the elders of both sides and has had a eyebrow since 1899. At that time, although Lu Xun was dissatisfied with the arranged marriage, he did not refuse because of filial piety, but only made two requests to the Zhu family: one was to let Zhu An put her feet down; the other was to send her to school.
Juan is just a weak woman under the shackles of the old society, she is powerless to resist thousands of years of feudal etiquette, nor does she dare to violate the family arrangement, and she has become a member of that group, and has long remembered the concept of "a woman without talent is morality".
On the day of marriage, in order to please Lu Xun, she chose a pair of large shoes that seriously did not meet the size of the small foot, stuffed a lot of cotton into it, and did not want her to land on the ground when she got off the flower palanquin, and immediately exposed a pair of small feet in front of the groom.
Lu Xun's face could not see sadness and joy, he had no expectations for this marriage, and his heart was probably more dull and helpless at the moment.
When everyone saw the situation, they hurriedly helped the bride put on her shoes, and Lu Xun also glimpsed the appearance of the bride through the panicked crowd:
Her whitewashed face was still yellow, her forehead was wide and slightly bald, her chin was pointed, her lips were slightly large and thin, her body was thin and dry, and her head was bigger, and the whole person looked like she could not find the beauty that a young woman should have.
On the wedding night, Juan's hijab was not lifted, the candle flickered like a streak of water, and she was weaker than the dripping wax tears.
She did not understand what she had done wrong, and had always portrayed herself as a good wife and mother according to social and family standards, but after she married into the Zhou family, both roles became a luxury.
Lu Xun was cold to her, silent, always at an untouchable distance from her, and the study became a place for him to escape from his wife, and on the third day after his marriage, he went to Japan again.
Previously, he studied in Tokyo, Japan, and when he was 25 years old, he was urged to return to China by frequent letters from his family, saying that his old mother was ill.
He was so anxious that he shelved his studies and rushed back to his hometown with all the wind and dust, not thinking that this was a scam, in order to get him married to Juan.
Lu Xun was well aware of Juan's innocence, but he hated feudal etiquette and arranged marriages, and could not produce the slightest love for this old-fashioned woman, marrying her was like knowing that the Qing Dynasty had run out of qi, but had to consider the situation and install a fake braid.
More than once he said to his friend, "She's my mother's wife, not my wife." It was a gift from my mother, and I had an obligation to support, and love was something I didn't know. ”
Juan is obsessed, still looking forward to his return of the wife, Mr. Fantasy after completing his studies, after spending time with her, will always slowly develop feelings for her. And she firmly believes that her affection will one day melt his coldness.
Looking forward to it day after day, Lu Xun finally returned to China in August of the first year of Xuan reunification (1909), Zhu An saw that he had gradually receded from the weak atmosphere, the edges and angles were more distinct, the ambition of Ling Yun was revealed between the eyebrows, and another touch of talent's pride and fortitude was retained... I was overjoyed.
However, he has changed quite a lot, and the best preserved is still the alienation and indifference to her.
Most of the time, Lu Xun slept in the study, presumably he also sympathized with Juan, but could not accept her integration into his life.
He had thought about divorcing her, but at that time the divorce was not good for the reputation of women, he did not love her, but he would not hurt her, in this nominal marriage, it made both parties miserable.
According to Lu Xun's mother, after the son and daughter-in-law were married, they were like strangers living under the eaves, they never quarreled, they rarely spoke, and let the elders persuade them to work, let alone conceive children.
Juan is a typical traditional woman, even if her husband often spends the night in the school where she teaches, rarely comes home and sleeps in the study, never wants to look at her more, let alone touch her, she is also obsessed with guarding the Zhou family, taking care of the up and down, unwilling to remarry.
In November 1919, the Zhou family settled in Beijing, and the courtyard of No. 11 Badaowan in Xizhimen, Beijing became Lu Xun's new home, and Zhu An also lived there as Zhou Shuren's original partner, stubbornly guarding the lonely marriage and desperately looking for the identity of his wife in this one-man show.
"Daughter Sutra, listen carefully, get up early, go out of the boudoir, cook tea soup, respect your parents, freshen up frequently, love to be clean..." Juan did not read much, but he was familiar with the culture of promoting female morality such as the "Daughter Sutra".
Lu Xun's mother
She was like a bird in a cage for a long time, even if she was free one day, she lost the ability and idea to embrace the sky, and the shackles became her safety rope.
Juan did not ask for much, every day for her husband to wash and cook, bring tea and water, sew and mend poop is enough, this is also her understanding of love and marriage, but she does not understand, Mr. never want these.
Such a Zhu An, in Lu Xun's eyes, is pedantic, and that affection is cloudy for him, Juan is sick, he is indifferent; he himself is sick, and he does not ask Juan to take care of him. Only when Juan asked him every month for living expenses did he go through the process of saying a few words to her.
A few words, to Juan, seemed like a treasure, and it gave her some comfort when she remembered it on a silent night.
She is very docile, no complaints, no regrets, no quarrels, no quarrels, and has become a wangfu stone, guarding her husband's distant back in the whirlpool of the times, silently chewing pain and bitterness.
"If you like a person, you will be humbled to the dust and then blossom." Perhaps she thought that it would be good to live a lifetime like this, that her husband was a dragon and phoenix among men, revered by the world, and that she could give love to him, which was also a gift from heaven.
In order to let her husband look at herself more, Juan also tried to change, that Lu Xun had not yet broken with his brother Zhou Zuoren, and they had lived together in Beiping for a while. One day, Juan hid in the back room as always, and Zhou Zuoren went to greet her: "Sister-in-law, why are you here alone?" ”
Juan smiled, not knowing how to reply, she was an old thing that Mr. Did not like but could not throw away, presumably did not want her to have anything to do with him in the eyes of the world.
Before she could think about it, she said, "As a human, you will teach me to recognize some words." ”
Zhou Zuoren saw that she was not as stubborn as the eldest brother said, and readily agreed: "You are willing to pursue progress, and I should do my best to help." ”
"Unmarried from the father, married from the husband", Juan is intentionally literate, but also under the influence of the concept of male superiority and female inferiority, the thoughts of the husband and the husband, but she is willing to take this step is always a good thing.
That time also injected some vividness into her bitter life.
However, this step of Juan is still far from keeping up with the trend of the times, looking at her husband's back is still as far away as the next life, in 1923, Lu Xun and his brother Zhou Zuoren separated because the contradiction could not be resolved.
He never affected Juan's choice, so he asked her whether he wanted to continue to live in Beiping and Zuoren, or to return to Shaoxing's mother's house?
Lu Xun and his family
He didn't want to take her, Juan already knew it, but at that moment his heart still hurt.
She loved Lu Xun deeply, and she did not want to go back to her mother's house to become an abandoned woman in the eyes of others, and she was determined to go with him, hoping that he would not lose her old object.
Soon after, Mrs. Zhou also lived with her eldest son, and Juan also happened to continue to take care of the elderly, and the happiest thing for her was to wash her hands and make soup for the mother and son. But also in that year, Xu Guangping was admitted to the Chinese Literature Department of the Beijing Women's Higher Normal School and became a student of Lu Xun.
The appearance of Xu Guangping made Lu Xun, who often did not go home, go home more and more pitifully.
Xu Guangping is a very different fireworks from Juan, with short hair, petite, confident and agile, able to communicate with Mr. Lu Xun spiritually, and one look at each other can touch each other's souls.
Lu Xun had also been suppressed for a long time in his dull marriage, Xu Guangping's youthful vitality, bright and warm, let his cold eyebrows gradually soften, which was a look that Juan had never seen before.
Xu Guangping
Zhu An was like a bitter sea, in the face of Xu Guangping's later bold visit, she had tried to maintain her pale and powerless wife's reputation, but when her withered and dim years met the girl's morning dew-like eyes, it ended in vain.
Love is two loves, although Juan has never seen anything in the world, but he has also tasted the sorrow and joy of the world, cold and warm, can only silently swallow everything, can not say a word of complaint.
After all, words of complaint and grievance also need to be qualified in order to pour out.
In January 1927, her husband Zhou Shuren and Xu Guangping lived together in a rented house on Baiyun Road in Guangzhou, and the two officially lived together in Shanghai in October, and nearly two years later, their child was born in Shanghai, that is, Zhou Hainian.
At that time, Juan was even more unable to integrate into Lu Xun's life, and as the wife he was marrying, she could only live as an outsider in his world.
Xu Guangping, Juan
She had no choice, and she had long been accustomed to a dry well-like life, so she could only graciously accept Xu Guangping and Zhou Hainian and love Wu and Wu for them.
And after she married Lu Xun, she was like a duckweed floating on the vast sea, even in front of her love enemies, she lowered herself into a flattering posture.
Xu Guangping also sympathized with this old social woman, knowing that if he registered his marriage with Lu Xun, it would be equivalent to breaking a little hope that Juan would stand in the world, and perhaps she would be crushed by the last straw in the strange eyes of the people around her.
The false name of "Lu Xun's original match" is the sad place that led to Juan's lonely life, but it is also her only remaining sustenance.
She had nothing, and the feudal shackles became the breath of her life.
Juan (left)
In fact, Lu Xun had proposed to change into another relationship with her, let her, who was 3 years older than himself, be his sister, and buy a dowry for her and send her to remarry.
In this regard, Juan strongly rejected it, and firmly said: "I live as a member of the Zhou family, die as a ghost of the Zhou family, and in the second half of my life I am serving my mother-in-law." ”
Lu Xun had no choice but to talk to Juanduo, nor was he willing to write a little ink for her as he described Yan Tu and Kong Yiji, as if this person did not exist in his life.
Once, when her mother asked her what was wrong with Juan, he replied, "It's not bad, it's that you can't talk about it, and talking to her is boring, tasteless, and it's better not to talk about it." ”
For this marriage, Lu Xun was deeply powerless from the beginning. After marriage, he could not reverse Juan's deep-rooted feudal ideas. And as a thinker who is very innovative from the inside out, Lu Xun cannot have a son and a half daughter with Juan, so that the tragedy will repeat itself in the next generation.
Mother Lu Juan
In 1936, after the death of Mr. Lu Xun, Juan continued to rely on the old ladies of Zhou, who would give them some money every month. Later, Mrs. Zhou also passed away, and Mr. Juan refused his help because he was at odds with this younger brother.
Previously, she had no place in Lu Xun's heart. Since then, she has struggled to survive in the turbulent and changing times, and her life has been poor and poor.
Although she received help from Xu Guangping and Lu Xun's friends, she was still in the rising price and chaotic world, and she could only eat two meals a day, mainly millet noodle nests or porridge like soup water, accompanied by her own pickled old pickles.
Social progressives learned that she was Lu Xun's widow and wanted to help her, but she refused to be given a gift. She has already failed in marriage, but in terms of personality, she has always tried to preserve her dignity and is reluctant to become a beggar.
Although her education level is not high, her thinking is backward and closed, but she does not lose her backbone, if the person she marries is not Lu Xun, she will not have a dark and sad life and fail to end well.
In her later years, a student of Lu Xun specifically came to her door and instructed her: "You are a person of the old era, have no culture, and do not understand the value of Mr. Lu Xun's works." Sir is a national hero, a pioneer and leader of the new era, and his relics must be preserved. ”
These words deeply stung Juan's heart, but she already knew that she was the only old thing that Mr. Lu Xun could not throw away, and in the face of the impassioned students in front of her, she could only answer quietly: "You only say that Mr. Lu Xun's relics should be preserved, I am also Lu Xun's relics, who will save me?" ”
Perhaps at that moment she knew that she should not be reduced to a lifetime of empty hopes, to the victims of the ignorant etiquette of the old society. But that deep affection has melted into her blood, and in this life, as she said, whether it is life or death belongs to the Zhou family, it is a relic of Mr. Lu Xun.
Lu Xun and Xu Guangping
Ever since she got married and went to the embroidered shoes to stuff cotton, she silently accepted everything that fate had arranged for her, and swallowed it solemnly, no matter how bitter it was.
She once thought of herself as a snail, climbing very slowly, but one day she would climb from the bottom of the wall to the top of the wall. But in the end, the snail had no strength, and until Mr. Lu Xun died, she could not touch the heart.
She also always remembered what Lu Xun once said to her: "Your name is Juan, and there is a daughter in the family, that is, An." ”
It was probably the most gentle word she had ever heard him say to herself.
In order to settle down, she did not fail the Zhou family, and gradually regarded Xu Guangping as a sister and Zhou Haiying as her own child, looking for Lu Xun's shadow in them.
Before dying, she made a will and gave all her inheritance to Zhou Haiying.
Mr. Lu Xun was upright and poor all his life, and he left no gold and silver jewelry, only a house and some book manuscripts. But these are the treasures that Juan carefully kept for Mr. Big before she died, including not only Mr. Zhu's hard work, but also her true feelings that have not faded.
However, even so, Zhou Hainian did not recognize Juan as her mother, and she was always called "Ms. Juan".
In fact, Zhou Haiying and Juan's relationship is very harmonious, and on his way to growing up, he often received letters of encouragement from Juan, who believed that Juan was a very respectable elder.
It's just that he can't take the feudal-minded Juan as his mother, which makes him feel that it violates the new education and ethics he has received.
At the same time, he was more disgusted with Zhou Zuoren's uncle, because his uncle also had unteachable feudal ideas, believing that Xu Guangping was a "small room" that had not been married to the Gate of the Zhou family, and Zhu An was Lu Xun's righteous wife.
Zhu An's respect for Xu Guangping's mother and son was interpreted as being rude to herself, just like she had devoted her life to her, and she could only stand in the opposite direction of Lu Xun, and she could not reach him even if she extended her neck.
She had exhausted her strength, and she couldn't fit into the warm family of three and take a breath.
In her later years, I don't know when Juan learned to smoke a cigarette bag, and that mouthful after mouthful, spitting out her silence and sadness, also became the last comfort in her miserable life.