Intimacy is the most important thing in life, and people spend their whole lives looking for a partner who loves them. However, today, many people are trapped in intimate relationships, and what was originally a good relationship ends up with a lot of confusion, hurt and pain. Chen Haixian, a well-known psychological counselor and author of the best-selling book "The Amazing Me", believes that intimate relationships have two major driving forces, one is love, the other is fear, love is mainly an emotional bond established by attachment relationships, and fear is because love brings armor and weakness to people, in this relationship, the power to hurt themselves is given to the other party.
Of course, it is normal for "love" and "hate" to be intertwined, and a relationship that achieves a certain balance can often be more lasting. But once "hate" dominates, the intimacy becomes particularly unstable. Chen Haixian recently published an intimate relationship book "Love, Need to Learn" based on his own experience for many years, which summarizes four kinds of intimate relationships dominated by "fear", which I think is particularly worthy of everyone's reflection, so I share with you as follows:
If a person is insecure about the intimate relationship and lets "fear" dominate the relationship, they will constantly confirm that the other party will not leave themselves, so that the other party will not leave themselves, that is, to make the other party and themselves the same person.
Of course, when a person is born, he is integrated with the mother of his attachment object, and as he grows up, he realizes that he and his mother are not the same person, and the separation begins.
And when a person enters into an intimate relationship, this desire for integration will reappear. In intimate relationships, fusion develops two tendencies: active fusion and passive fusion. Active fusion is control, passive fusion is flattery and obedience.
Sometimes, these two fusion strategies are mixed together, and flattery and obedience are sometimes a secret means of control. They like to use guilt to align themselves with each other.
Either kind of fusion will leave a lack of space between two people and ultimately damage the intimate relationship.
In recent years, a popular word, pseudo-intimate relationship, refers to the fact that although two people have done things that many intimate lovers have done, both people feel that their relationship with each other is not so good, and the people in it also know that it is false: this is not love, but an imitation of love, an intimate relationship created to alleviate loneliness.
Entering into a relationship but not emotionally engaged, "isolation" is more like unconsciously avoiding dependence on others to avoid getting hurt. In this case, "isolation" is a defense mechanism, with little emotional response and interaction. In addition, this isolation is not only reflected in love and intimate relationships, but also in life and work.
This is the difference between love and fear: when you love, you can trust your feelings. If you are afraid, you will feel that you will be blocked and can only act according to external rules.
Materialization is to treat people as objects, to treat the possessiveness of objects as love, so as to obtain a sense of control over the relationship, so as to overcome the "fear" in intimate relationships.
The value of an item depends on its function, and if something is completely useless, it can be thrown away. And the value of a person depends on your relationship with this person itself, as long as he is important to you, whether he is useful or not, you will cherish him.
When a person has too many doubts about intimacy, they will treat others in a materialistic way, only caring about the other person's function, rather than caring about the person himself.
Materialized love is another kind of love, loving you because you are useful, which is not actually love, but the power packaged into intimate relationships.
In intimate relationships, there are three types:
1. Materialization
Why do many people now resent blind dates? It is because blind dates are the process of materializing people, work, income, buying a house...
Many rich people are also reluctant to enter a stable intimate relationship, but also because others choose each other because of money.
2, appearance, sex
If you objectify a man with money, then it is easy to objectify a woman with your looks.
In addition, many people will use sex and fertility as a tool.
3. Accompaniment
Companionship has a strong emotional attribute, but companionship can also be objectified. There are a lot of people who quickly get into a relationship after losing love, not because they love each other, but because it's hard for him to tolerate being alone, especially in the special period after the loss of love.
Ambiguity is the substitution of superficial, superficial relationships for true intimacy. These people are always in love with the impossible, moving between friendship and love, or developing many relationships at the same time.
This kind of conversation often represents their desire for intimacy, and not entering into real intimacy is because they are still afraid of intimacy.
Some people say that sex is easy in this era, but love is difficult. People are more open to sex, but love is very difficult.
The existentialist psychologist Rollome described in Love and will:
Putting sex above love is precisely using sex to escape the anxiety brought about by love... We are escaping from love, and sex is the tool we use to escape. Sex is a more accessible medicine to cover up the anxiety that love brings. For this reason, we have to limit sex to a narrower range. The more we focus on sex, the narrower the human experience of what it means to be sexual. We jump straight to sexual sensations in order to escape the passion of love.
Understanding the type of intimacy that is dominated by fear is necessary for us to understand what is wrong with our intimate relationships. But intimacy is not just a cognitive problem, but a habitual pattern, and breaking habits is often the hardest.