When it comes to Li Bingbing, everyone is no stranger.
Recently, Li Bingbing talked about her relationship with her father in "Strange Encounters in the Corner of the World" and couldn't help but cry.
For the way she got along with her father, Li Bingbing described it as "obviously thinking about each other, but always hurting each other."
In the end, it was her sister who advised her: "He is 70 years old, do you still want him to change?" ”
Yes, no matter how fierce the quarrel, even if the result becomes "try to talk to the other party as little as possible", the starting point is still "love and care".
In Li Bingbing's body, we may also be able to see our own shadow.
How to see and express love correctly is a subject that each of us has to learn...
Behind the injury, there is the nutrient of "love"
Unlike Li Bingbing's awareness that "the relationship with his father has been tense in recent years, there is no other reason, just because of love", most people always feel that they are far away from love when facing "hurt".
That's because we create a chasm within us that prevents us from seeing the truth and from feeling the flow of true love.
Chen Yunru in the Taiwanese drama "Want to See You" was born in a patriarchal family, and her mother became a restaurant girl in order to support her family.
Her childhood was not happy, her mother came home drunk every day, every morning she had to carry her mother to bed, to wake up her disobedient brother, the younger brother often ridiculed her, and her father appeared at home for even less time.
In her cognition, she can't feel that the people around her love her, and her brother is the baby of the whole family, and she is an extra part of the family.
Later, Huang Yuxuan, whose soul was more mature, crossed into Chen Yunru's body, and she was like Yunru's other self.
In the face of the same original family, when Yunru's heart is transformed into the perspective of an adult, no longer focusing on the pain brought by the original family, and then re-examining the family, everything has changed.
If the mother does not love her, only loves her brother, she will not take her with her after divorcing her father;
The room her mother left for her was larger than her brother's, just wishing she was more comfortable;
Occasionally, the mother blames herself for having less time to spend with her children because she has a special profession, and she only wants to be a drinking girl just to give her and her brother a better life...
At that moment, she understood her mother's difficulty in making a living, and understood the helplessness and heartache behind her mother's wine.
When she stood in a larger perspective, she could finally clear the fog of harm, and she saw the love that her mother had been silently giving her.
It's just that her mother's ability is limited, and this limitation makes her mistakenly think that it is hurt.
She also saw that her brother was still arrogant and arrogant, but at the critical moment, he obviously cared about her very much.
When her parents quarreled over who to take their brother, the younger brother chose to run away from home for her, in order to let her parents put their attention back on themselves and no longer ignore her because of her brother's existence.
When we no longer stand in our own limited world to "ask" for love, we can often see more objectively the "divinity" of each person and the love that has always flowed.
She read her mother's expression of love in her own way, and she also saw the rebellion that her brother, as an adolescent teenager, inevitably had.
She began to remind her mother to drink less, to teach her how to stop drinking, and to give her a shit when her brother was blackmailed by his classmates.
Her brother ran away from home, causing her to go out to find someone who was injured, and when she returned home, she directly expressed her anger.
When Yun Ru slowly opens her heart, is willing to get out of the cage of hurt, captures the existence of subtle love, and dares to express emotions sincerely, the intimacy of the family is getting better and better.
Mothers also began to take the initiative to give Rhymes and hugs frequently, and began to express their inner love for their children.
The mother said to her with tears: In her own eyes and heart, the daughter has never been inferior to the son.
I believe that in life, there are many people whose families are also like Chen Yunru's family.
Silently pay a lot, but because they can't express love, or love is hidden in action, they often say words that make them mistakenly think that all their family gives is hurt.
But when we change our perspective and take the initiative to link and embrace love, you have the opportunity to touch the soft and warm inside under the seemingly indifferent shell.
And if we just seal ourselves in a wounded shell, then we may never be able to see that the family around us has always loved us.
When we feel very hurt and very wronged, we may as well understand at this time:
The limitations of inner strength allow the love they give to them to accidentally poke us.
In a relationship, it is we who first define the criteria for "harm" before the so-called "harm" occurs.
When we let go of judgment, let go of standards, and cross that pain, we can harvest a greater "love."
Self-righteous love leads to mutual harm
Contrary to what we often receive from what we think is "limited love," when we are on the way to giving love, there are often grievances, resentments, and dissatisfactions.
Although he thinks that he has given all his "love" to the other party, he is still physically and mentally exhausted.
After doing psychological counseling for so long, the most heard opening statement is this sentence:
I have paid so much for him, how can he not see my love, but feel more hurt than me...
The stories behind this sentence are actually all the same.
Visitor Lily came to ask for help, her heart was full of grievances, and she couldn't help but pour bitter water on me.
Every day hard work for this family to pay, every day to the husband to make breakfast, do housework, to provide him with career support, he is good, not quarrel with me or cold violence, too cold.
The husband ran to a friend and confided in him: Such a day can not go on, the heart is very painful, want to divorce.
In the face of Lily's accusations, I threw her a question to think about, and asked her to recall what her husband had complained about.
My husband mentioned: "I don't want to eat breakfast, why do I have to eat, don't eat and get angry, which makes me feel very heavy psychologically." ”
"As a man, I also have my own dignity, I always feel that I can't do it well, that I can't do it well, my heart is really hurt, and I always say that it's good for me, but sometimes I really don't need it." 」
Later, I asked Lily again, after all these years, haven't you asked him what he wanted?
Lily told me that I gave everything for him, I gave him the best I could do, what was he not satisfied with, what did he really want?
The scene of "one party gives full of love, but the other party feels that it is a burden" is not unfamiliar in life.
In an intimate relationship, to love each other completely in the way he thinks he thinks, and to have him approve of this "love", is to force the other party to accept something he does not want, but will fall into the abyss of mutual harm.
The famous family therapy master told a very classic spinach case, a couple came to do a consultation, and for more than 20 years, they have spent more than 20 years in dissatisfaction with each other.
During the consultation, Satya asks them to say the most hurtful thing about the other person, and the husband loses control in an instant, crying while saying, "I hope you don't always give me spinach that I hate!" ”
The wife was shocked after listening to it, and she told her husband that although I hate spinach, I thought you liked it, I just loved you too much and wanted to make you happy.
Satya later asked her husband, if you hate spinach so much, why didn't you tell her?
The husband said: Because I don't want to hurt her feelings because of this.
Many times, we all think that we are the one who loves each other the most and gives the most, but we don't know that it is just a love that is taken for granted, and the other party cannot receive it.
The other party has never felt a little happiness and satisfaction in such a "love mode", but will suffocate.
True love is not a forced emotion, like you can't give a banana to someone who wants an apple.
This gift of love should be fully considered from the perspective of the other party.
It is the needs of the other party, and it is easy and free to accept.
Cut off the cycle of suffering and let love flow in relationships
Seeing love in pain and truly knowing how to give love are the subjects that people need to face in their lives.
And the love that everyone gets depends on your ability to feel love.
Honey, go back to your own inner circle and see if the other person is really "not loving" you as you think.
Take a few more minutes and become aware that you have been allowing yourself to live in pain or resentment, and have you closed the channel for perceiving love and receiving love?
If yes, then I now invite you to reopen it and let love in.
Try to experience the different feelings and reactions of the body that allows yourself to stay in the position of the pain, and after the passage is opened, let yourself cross the pain and collect the different feelings and reactions brought about by the love droplets.
Try to re-examine the flow of love from a different perspective: for example, from the perspective of a third person, or from the perspective of the other person to re-feel.
Moving forward with hurt, or choosing to absorb the nutrients of "love" through hurt, in the end, is your own choice.
Just as some people are willing to open the door of their hearts, some people just close the door of their hearts and shut themselves in a dark and cold room.
Everyone's ability to feel love is different, and the love they get is naturally different.
Before giving love, you may wish to ask yourself the following questions:
Do I know what the other person needs? Has the other person told me what he needs, and I've been giving love in my own way? Is the love I give the other person wanting, or is it imposed by myself? Does the other person feel happier because of my love and giving, or is it more painful?
With inner answers, have an in-depth conversation with the person closest to you, in this process, the most important thing is not what you give the other person, but what the other party needs, and make a list of needs for each other.
Among all the hurts of relationships, seeing a more authentic self is the greatest meaning of this "hurt".
And all the harm is actually to remind you to find your own wisdom and strength inward, so that you have the energy to feel loved by others, and also have the ability to let others feel our love.