Wen | Wei Xiang (Simple Psychological Certification, Psychological Counselor)
Recently, I was watching a Japanese drama "Renting a Savior". There are some bizarre themes that say that a company's business is to rent out saviors, which means that when you are desperate and no one can help you, you can call the company, and they will send someone to help you solve all the problems that you don't want other people to help.
Among them, there is a girl who is very interesting, her full name is Baidi Zero, and her classmates call her "Jizo Sister", because every time she encounters bullying or fear from others, she begins to chant her mantra: "I can live alone, I am not alone, I can solve problems...". Her father and brother were outstanding entrepreneurs, she was the most neglected child in her family, and she described herself as "stupid idiot who will not help her." ”
So, even when she encountered a kidnapping, she gave up asking for help, because she felt that no one would help her. Thankfully, she ran into a well-meaning "savior", and when she saw another "savior" who was suffering to help her, she called out for the first time – "I need help!" Of course, the "Savior" heard her cry and saved her.
What's very profound about this story is that it reveals a naïve law: Can our compulsive repetition be broken? Zero's classmate recited her mantra over and over again: "I can be alone, I can live..." It's a line in the hearts of many of us, it's just not something that she can express directly.
Incomparably frightening in her inner world, she lived alone in a dangerous area away from her family, hiding in a small corner of a chaotic house, chanting her incantations.
What is mentalization?
This is a lonely girl, and she also fully presents her inner fear in the real world, being bullied and helpless. When family members called, she would tell them she was fine and had a job as a secretary, but in reality she was working as a salesperson who had been sexually harassed. She couldn't live well because she lived in her own terrible inner world.
Freud once said that every man's real life is the embodiment of his inner spiritual life. In the world of Zero, her inner and outer worlds completely coincide, and the more fearful she is, the more painful her life becomes. All her life presents a theme, which is her mantra: she is doomed to be lonely, alone, alone... Is that how her fate should be?
At this point, it seems to have reached the end of death: Do you deserve this? Is there any way around it?
But just as Zero encountered a special event, forcing her to decide in a different way, her fate also changed.
So, I would say, if your understanding of others, about the world changes, will your fate change?
This change in the way of understanding can be interpreted by the concept of mentalization, starting with the concept of mentalization: the individual understands and explains the mental processes of his own and others' behavior through explicit or implicit means by means of intentional mental states (such as personal desires, needs, feelings, beliefs, and motivations, etc.). （Bateman & Fonagy，2004）
Simply put, when we perceive the mental state of ourselves or others, we are mentally enlightened[1], with a simple definition:
Compare heart to heart;
Attention to the psychological state of the self and others;
Understanding of misunderstandings;
See yourself from the outside, see others from the inside;
Provide psychological characteristics or psychological development.
The core of the above several elements is that we can jump out of our own inner distorted judgment in the relationship, examine ourselves from the outside, understand each other from within ourselves, and look at ourselves and others with our hearts.
But being able to understand oneself and others in a mentally intelligent way is closely related to attachment. When parents are securely attached and can understand relationships in a mentally intelligent way, often children will have the same way of thinking innerly. If there is no such condition in the innate, we need to have a deep understanding and repair of ourselves the day after tomorrow.
How is the ability to mentalize formed?
It has to do with our perception of the relationship between the inner world and external reality, through three subjective models of experience that unfold the psychological development process from an infant to an adult.
1. Psychological equivalence model
A person lives in an unavoidable world, and the subjective experience of the child is very real [2]. Its features:
The internal world and external reality are equal;
There is no difference between belief and fact;
What we think and feel is like a mirror reflecting what is happening around us in the real world.
I have come to interpret it by means that what a person feels in the heart is reality, and there is no distance between the heart and the outer reality. For example, the zero classmate in our previous example is like this, her external world is often in a state of constant threat, can not be trusted, all she can do is to present the desolation of the inner world in the way of "chanting".
In the world of psychological equivalence, people are often in a sense of persecution in their hearts, and they often exclaim: "Why do others bully me?" "Being treated badly, there will be a potential belief in the heart that "I am a bad person." His own sense of subjectivity cannot come out, only the constant influence of the outside world, that is, the passive and painful "me".
In this state, a person will often feel overwhelmed by emotions, and the wind and grass outside will directly affect his interior, because in his mind the outside is the inside, and it is impossible to jump out of it to think about himself and understand the other party.
2. Pretend model
Through the pretend model[3], the child finds a way to release subjective experience from reality. In the game, they can pretend that the shackles of reality are non-existent. It is characterized by:
The internal world is detached from the external world;
Whatever we imagine is so realistic, whatever we overlook is considered non-existent;
Dissociation, denial, narcissistic exaggeration are all typical defensive patterns.
To put it in layman's terms is how we deceive ourselves. Kids can play home games, and that's one way.
Of course, we adults are more accustomed to using this way to live, for example, many people will complain: Why do I love you so much and pay for you, why can't you be good to me? And he has his own theory of how he treats you well, but the other person can't feel his emotions.
They have their own set of theories to live, even if they seem to be a little out of step with reality, no matter how much people around him try to persuade him, he denies it, insists on his own ideas, feels that he is great, and the so-called reality next to him has no interest in his eyes.
In an intimate relationship, this is a person who feels cold, he has his own set of life rules, he will also take care of each other, but he can never be close to his heart, of course, this person is also lonely inside.
He copes with life in a unique way of his own, even if that persistence is actually a fantasy, but it is easier than facing the reality of fear in his heart.
3. Mental model
In normal development, the first two early models can begin to integrate from about the age of 4 (but this requires a good attachment relationship as a basis) [4]. This period is characterized by:
The inner world is both separate from and related to external reality;
We can distinguish between events and our reactions to events;
We are able to reflect on our thoughts, feelings, and fantasies, and they all interact with reality.
The most important hallmark of this period is the possibility of thinking, "the most developed reflective function, consisting of thinking about feelings and feelings about thinking" (Mary Target). Simply put, what is the difference between "my feelings" and reality? At the time of the event, we have space in our hearts to think, including the relationship between this matter and me, let go of our own imagination, and can objectively think about what the other party thinks.
Is it true that without my fantasies, such as putting down the equivalent model of "When I feel that others are treating me badly?" What could have happened to the other party? Can you let go of the "fake" of the pretend model, that is, let go of your own stubborn beliefs, and listen to and feel the other person?
How do I evolve to a mental model?
How do you move from an empirical model to a mental model? The answer given by Mr. Fonagy is that attachment relationships between subjects can provide emotional coordination and reflective others.
This is a condensed sentence, and my understanding is that the understanding of the child's internal state can be reacted to, and of course for our clients, how to describe this state? I'll connect to Monsieur Bion's theory of classic concepts:
Han Rong, that is, we need to mirror the other party's feelings, understand and internally process back to the other party, so that he can feel that his feelings are so real, can be understood and responded to, his internal self-representation can be confirmed, and the object representation begins to loosen. Simply put, when a person is gradually deeply understood and felt, he will also develop his own mental function, that is, to have a new space to understand the world and others.
Just like the zero in the TV series, when she is seen by the other party, after the savior saves her, she begins to trust the world and begins to find her own value, her fate begins to change, she is no longer lonely, no longer need to chant desperate spells in a lonely world.
Perhaps, our world does not have a savior, but do we also have to immerse ourselves in what we perceive to be "suffering"?
When you begin to re-understand yourself and trust the world, your subconscious heart moves, and you wonder what the fate you feel will be?