Why can't you make a decision? Actually, maybe you don't want to make a choice at all.
The other day, my friend complained to me that she was kind enough not to repay things well:
Her younger colleague asked her about a new opportunity at work, but with mixed feelings, which one to choose? Then my friend told the girl her analysis and thoughts. Later, after the girl chose to regret it, she blamed this friend, thinking that it was because she came up with an idea, and finally it was such a result.
Friends are also very angry after listening to it a few times, thinking that they are just referring to the opinion, why doesn't the girl decide to blame others?
Photo/ Pinterest
After my friend told me, I thought that my friend might indeed be wronged, and maybe no matter how she came up with her idea, this girl would blame her. Because there is a pit in the girl's heart, no matter what you say, you have to fall into it. But the girl is also innocent, because she struggles in this trap every day, and it is even more painful.
What kind of trap is this?
Even the girl herself didn't know what to do, but she wanted to rely on someone, of course, the result, it was always wrong.
Why can't a person make a decision?
There may be several reasons.
1, in the growth environment, it is always the parents to help the children decide
This type of family encourages children to be dependent and reluctant to support their children's independence. So when the child grows up, he does not have the ability to decide any problem in life, because he does not know what his choice means.
For example, can a family tolerate rejection from its children?
In some families, children need to listen to their parents (most likely subconsciously). When children have different opinions, parents find ways to make children turn around and listen to themselves. Over time, children are accustomed to not having their own opinions, and they can listen to adults in everything. When the child is needed to make a decision, the child is suddenly confused, he does not know whether he can make a choice, and what to do after the choice? Because it means rebelling against your parents' opinions, can you still be safe?
From an attachment perspective, every decision of oneself implies the independence of a child and the separation of the mother. But when a person's attachment relationship does not develop to a degree of independence and trusts the external relationship, making a decision is indeed a difficult one.
2, make a decision, means that you have to take responsibility
What does every decision mean sticking to and giving up, such as choosing what job is right for you? Are you married? Willingness to take responsibility when something goes wrong in an intimate relationship, or even leave the relationship to decide on divorce.
So fear of regret after a decision, choice sometimes means upsetting the balance, and many people don't make decisions, preferring to struggle in pain, because in this way they avoid the loneliness in the relationship and become the initiator of responsibility.
3, perhaps forever entangled is also a way to connect with others
It's better to wait for someone else to make a decision than to regret it yourself. So, being a child is a habitual safe place.
4, if you decide, it means facing the reality of "I am not good enough"
When we shy away from choices, we also avoid outcomes that may not be perfect. Just like that girl, every result has pros and cons, and if you choose the wrong one, you need to face it yourself, which is a feeling. Like many people say, "I don't dare to think about it", so what I don't dare to think about is the most frightening result.
Of course, I think one of the best results of this approach is: "My problem can be blamed on another person!" "The most relieving thing in the world is to stand on a moral high ground and blame others.
Because you are so wronged, others are so sorry for you. So when you don't make a decision and give it to someone else, you have a right, and as long as you are not satisfied, you can "criticize him"! Who asked him to "help you choose?" ”
However, things always have a fair nature, and when you are unwilling to choose, your entanglement and discomfort will occupy a lot of space in your heart. Choice and result become two ends of the scale, and it will be painful to go there.
From a psychoanalytic point of view, this is not a person's unwillingness to decide from consciousness, but rather the inability of the inner unconscious to be freed from a cyclical pattern. Beneath this pain lurks a lonely child, helpless, unable to judge the existence of a sense of security, and only jumping around in search of a safe place.
How do you get out of this trap?
Every person who seems difficult to make a decision has his inner pain and struggle, and may have a feeling, that is, "reluctance" and "can't let go". Maybe every choice means a loss, and when you don't feel rich enough in your heart, maybe you are really afraid of that "choice" in your heart.
Perhaps only when a person experiences enough security in the relationship and has enough resources to feel valued, can they have the ability to choose to have and give up.
The family has surplus grain, and its heart is not flustered.
— END —
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