What do you do when you lose love? Is it to find a friend to pour out your feelings, spit bitter water, and regret the beginning of this relationship; or to keep the other party in a low voice, hoping that he can forgive you and start again with each other; or to comfort yourself and advise yourself in your heart that there is no herb in the end of the world, there is no need to be too sad; or a sound dog and horse, relying on others to divert attention.
However, in the dead of night, you suddenly realize that the things you have done are useless, you will still feel lonely in the middle of the night, or you will suddenly think of the person who abandoned you, or you will cry alone all night.
This is the most unbearable thing after the loss of love. Every place you've ever been to is filled with his presence, and everything you've done has had his involvement. You will find that no matter what, you can't get out of his memories, you can only immerse yourself in the memories of the past and constantly torture yourself and question yourself.
The movie "500 Days with Summer" tells such a story about "lost love".
Tom is an imaginative young man who likes to be imaginative, but he is an editor who specializes in writing card greetings. Tom's life was bland and boring, and his life was devoid of passion.
Tom can only pin his expectations and imaginations for life on love, immersed in unrealistic fantasies every day. But his girlfriend Summer gradually began to be unable to stand Tom's fantasies, and tangled repeatedly, proposing to Break up with Tom.
Insecure and not expecting men, Summer decisively leaves Tom and starts a new life of her own. Tom can't accept Summer's crisp breakup, and he doesn't understand why he and Summer end up like this.
Tom found a lot of friends hoping to get their enlightenment, and with the help of friends, Tom began to reflect on the 500 days and nights he had spent with Summer, and he began to think about what he had done wrong when he was with Summer, which would lead to his final strangeness with Summer.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > extremely insecure and unable to open up</h1>
Summer and Tom do a lot of intimate things together, but she is reluctant to establish a relationship with Tom. Tom, who was very confused about this, finally could not hold back the doubts in his heart and asked Summer why he was reluctant to confirm their relationship. Summer said that the feelings were too hurtful, and it was good that we were happy to get along like this.
In fact, It is not that Summer does not dislike Tom, but because of the environment in which Summer grew up and the quarrels and divorces of her parents and the lack of her parents' love, she is very insecure in the face of intimate relationships, thinking that anyone can abandon her and leave her at any time like her former parents.
Therefore, she never thought that she could have a stable relationship life, and she did not have any hope for the relationship, let alone want to establish a relationship with others.
From a psychological point of view, each person's sense of security and personality is mostly determined by the experience of childhood. Both our family environment and the education we receive have an impact on us, especially when faced with intimate relationships.
In childhood, excessive insecurity can lead to an inability to establish an intimate relationship as an adult, much less how to maintain it. Essentially, an excessive lack of security is a form of insecurity and fear of being abandoned.
People prefer things that are certain, and those uncertain and vague things will cause great panic in our hearts, that is, make people feel insecure. And this situation will eventually lead to us, even if we like others very much, or choose to give up because of those uncertain futures.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > try to open your heart and get no response</h1>
As Summer and Tom get along, she gradually opens her heart. Tell Tom his past story, take the initiative to go to Tom and apologize to him, and try to let Tom know his preferences.
Summer has always been very sincere with Tom, but Tom has always been immersed in his own fantasy world, not brave and decisive enough, and never tries to understand the other person's heart and needs. Moreover, Tom also regards the places in Summer's heart that are not in line with himself as All of Summer's shortcomings and mistakes.
Summer thought that she could open her heart and get a response from Tom, only to see Tom's cowardice and timidity, as well as Tom's incomprehension and misunderstanding of himself. So, Summer was completely disappointed in Tom and chose to break up.
Many people are like this in love, they themselves have touched themselves, thinking that the breakup is the fault of the other party, but in fact, these people are relatively immature, they just live in their own world, never thinking about each other's situation and each other's struggles, as well as each other's inner pain.
However, for a person who is extremely insecure, it is already a very difficult thing to try to rely on others, let others enter their hearts, and let go of their own hearts.
Therefore, in an intimate relationship, we must learn to be considerate of each other and think from the perspective of the other party. Only in this way can we appreciate the entanglement and difficulty of our partners and understand what we should do in this relationship. Instead of being like Tom, only after missing each other, he will think about what he has done wrong, and then immerse himself in the sadness of losing his lover.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > learn to give yourself a sense of security in intimate relationships</h1>
Everyone in this world is insecure, it's just that they are insecure to different degrees.
Freud once mentioned that people will cause inner instability due to the unsolvable anxieties of reality, resulting in their own need for a definite psychological dependence. Once this psychological dependence changes, it will cause people to have a lot of psychological and physical instability reactions, and they will gradually lack of security.
Some people will turn this negative state into the motivation of life, while others will affect their work and life because of excessive insecurity.
Because of their insecurity, these people will think in the worst direction, so that their inner burden is very large. They will feel that they are not in control of their lives, feelings, family, etc., and when something uncertain happens, they will panic and collapse, thinking that things are going to get really bad. In the long run, these people become nervous and weak, and the whole person begins to be very anxious, resulting in their inability to maintain their normal life.
Therefore, we must learn to give ourselves a sense of security and get our lives back on track.
First of all, security is not dependent on what others give, it should be given to ourselves. We can improve our sense of security by building our own self-confidence.
Only when we gradually have self-confidence can we recognize our own value, and we will not doubt our own value because of a certain thing or a relationship, and we will not worry about the departure of others will have any impact on our future.
We also need to face up to the uncertain things, and don't get caught up in anxiety because of these seemingly terrible realities. When we feel that the development of things has become uncontrollable and panic in our hearts, we must learn to face these uncontrollable things.
Life is full of changes, it changes all the time. What really deserves people's attention is not the change of things, but their own out-of-control heart. When you can understand that all this stems from your extreme insecurity, you will find that this state of loss of control is actually not so unacceptable, and you will slowly begin to bear and adapt to those uncontrolled things.
There are many unsatisfactory things in life, and everyone will go through the process of owning and losing, losing and owning. What matters is not the process of going through, but whether we have gotten better, more sound, and more secure in the process.
In the face of these things that make us feel insecure, feelings such as sadness and depression are normal. However, we can't immerse ourselves in this negative emotion for a long time, we must constantly change ourselves, recognize the essence behind these things, find a solution to the negative emotions, and then get out of this emotion as soon as possible.
As long as we become confident and begin to have strength in our hearts, we will truly feel safe, and we will not feel gains and losses, and we can truly enjoy the fun of life and feel the pleasure brought to us by intimate relationships.