On January 3, Zhang Ziyi posted photos of the family and the baby on Weibo, announcing the good news that she had a safe birth on New Year's Day. Wang Feng also forwarded Zhang Ziyi's status on Weibo, saying: "The second time I stood next to my wife, held her hand tightly, and greeted the arrival of the baby." Once again, I felt the hardship and greatness of my mother. Thank you wife, thank you for bringing me to this family on the first day of the 20s with such a good moment, a super healthy, loud voice, seven pounds and two big fat boys, very happy, smooth birth mother and child peace. Happy New Year to all. ”
When I saw this news, I was taking the child to a party with several mothers, talking about Zhang Ziyi's birth, and a mother next to me blurted out: "It is easy for women to have children, it is difficult to raise children, especially it is more difficult to raise a child, looking at the star's appearance is bright, although she has money and does not have to live like us, but the contradiction between children I do not believe that they do not have headaches." ”
The mother who said this has two daughters in the family, the difference between the middle is three years old, the two children get along is a veritable "love and kill", one second the two people are so good like a person, the next second it is possible to turn the face and not recognize people, gambling spells swear that the old and dead do not interact with each other, some time ago, the boss is secretly cutting the second's braids, the second brother pounced, the boss homework book was drawn, and the parents simply couldn't take them.
Why are they as close as brothers and sisters, obviously a family, but sometimes they are not as good as outsiders?
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >01, why is it that the closer people are, the more likely they are to contradict? </h1>
I remember watching TV dramas before, I often saw two good friends or siblings, because one of them became more and more excellent and eventually became distant, and even turned against each other, and the root cause was often jealousy.
There are also many such examples in real life, such as a friend of mine has a pair of twin sisters, my sister and sister are in a class, my sister is excellent, my sister is relatively mediocre, once I ran for class cadres in a class, my sister actually chose someone else instead of my sister. The same benefit, falling on people who are not familiar with themselves, will feel taken for granted, and if the people close to them get cheap, they will feel uncomfortable in their hearts, this kind of jealousy is normal or not?
From a psychological point of view, the premise of feelings of jealousy or admiration between people is to make comparisons. The same comparison result (the other person is better than me), but the individual has a different emotional experience (jealousy of some people, envy of some people), which is closely related to people's self-concept, and the comparison result is just an inducement.
Taking the example of the twin sisters mentioned above to analyze, the sister would rather be the squad leader than the sister, and the fundamental reason is the difference between blood relations.
We all know that even twins have different personalities for children born into the same family, and parents often encourage children to do the same activities, achieve the same goals, and have the same expectations for all children.
In this process, when one party cannot meet the inner expectations of the parents, the parents will subconsciously compare it with other children, so as to psychologically and unconsciously compare the children's abilities and even intelligence, and draw a self-righteous conclusion: the sister is not as smart as the sister, or the sister does not have the effort of the sister, etc., so as to gradually differentiate the attitude of the two children, after all, everyone likes excellent children.
At this time, the sister would rather be the head of the class than her own sister, and it is not just jealousy that is at work, because the reason why people will recognize unfamiliar people and be jealous of familiar people is because recognizing a person who is far away from themselves does not have any burden and oppression in our hearts. The more we don't understand people, the more we can attribute each other's success to various external factors, which makes a good excuse for our current inferior situation.
For example, if we meet an unfamiliar person who succeeds, we will tell ourselves that the other person is talented and that I am not as good as her; or she has innate favorable conditions, and I do not, so it is normal for me to be inferior to him.
In short, most of the "successful people" who have little to do with us are far away from our real life, a group that can be arbitrarily portrayed in our subconscious, in other words, what we think he is, he is what he is, so it is easier to be accepted.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >02, the relationship between brothers and sisters is good or bad, which directly affects the achievement of children's education</h1>
The family relations research team of Penn State University in the United States tracked the growth trajectory of two children in 152 families in Pennsylvania from childhood to adulthood and found a problem, that is, in 152 pairs of siblings, 41 pairs of the two children have a large difference in academic qualifications. In the other 111 pairs, two children with equal academic qualifications, why is this happening?
It turned out that when the eldest of these families was 12 years old and the second was about 9 years old, the researcher team measured the relationship between the two children and their relationship with their parents by visiting the family.
They found that the 41 pairs of siblings with larger educational differences were more distant from each other in childhood; at the same time, the difference in the time that their parents invested in them was even greater, and they were more likely to think that their parents treated them differently unfairly.
In this finding, the team excluded the influence of a number of confounding factors, including parental education level and age, gender and gender differences between the two children, and differences in academic performance between the two children from elementary or junior high school to high school graduation.
So why do more distant siblings differ more in educational achievement? As early as 1977, the "social learning theory" proposed by the famous American psychologist Bandura could explain this phenomenon.
"Social learning theory" suggests that when family members are more intimate, they are also more likely to imitate and learn from each other. Therefore, when siblings are more intimate, they are more likely to use each other as role models to learn from, to progress together, or to have behavioral problems together.
On the contrary, when they are estranged, many times they will deliberately behave differently from each other. For example, when a child is a "good student" who loves to learn, the other may take the initiative to say that he is not much interested in learning, and the latter wants to show that he is not stupid or lacks talent than the other party, he is just unwilling to learn, in fact, from a deep level, it is also a manifestation of fear of failure and lack of confidence.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" >03, How do parents in multi-child families deal with the relationship between their children? </h1>
Since the official implementation of the "comprehensive two-child" policy in our country, the number of second-child births has risen sharply. By 2017, the number of second-child children had risen to 8.83 million, and the proportion of second-child births reached 51.2%. With the implementation of the two-child policy, more and more children may grow up in an environment with siblings. The influence of brothers and sisters on each other from childhood to adulthood may far exceed the expectations of many people. So how do we, as parents, deal with the relationship between our children?
Understand how children get along with each other
British naturalist David Attenborough once said on the show: "It seems that all small animals (except hedgehogs) like to stumble with each other, roll around, and play, and these activities can improve their reflexes, strengthen their bodies, and prepare them for wild life." Lion cubs who fight with siblings are better able to survive in the sinister adult world. ”
The same applies to the way children get along.
Physically speaking, although we do not encourage children to fight and mix with each other, but sometimes there are conflicts between children and fights are also of certain value, provocation, verbal disputes can improve the child's ability to quicken lips and tongues, and disputes between brothers and sisters can also improve the child's ability to handle affairs.
Psychologically, analysts believe that small fights between children are actually an unresolved power struggle, most of the quarrels are due to boredom and boredom, when life tends to be flat, a sentence of ridicule can become a spark, their purpose is only to make the parents' attention appear to burn.
Therefore, in the face of children's quarrels and fights, parents must first correct their mentality, and too much neglect or too concerned attitude will play a bad role in the relaxation of children's relationship.
Help your child construct an appropriate treatment plan
When two children clash, parents must not be like firefighters, the first time to intervene in the scene, if at this time the parents ask who picked the matter first, it will cause the child to blame each other, in order to avoid parents scolding themselves, the child of the responsible party will find a way to prevaricate, do not dare to take responsibility.
The best way to do this is to help your child analyze the causes and assist and encourage them to eliminate conflict on their own. Allow children to connect with past experience and try to construct appropriate treatment plans.
For example, my two children often fight to grab a book to read, and in their case, I first emphasize the final result they want to achieve: "You all want to read this book now, right?" When I got their affirmative reply, I proposed a solution: "If you both want to read this book, then there is a way, you two read it together." ”
They sometimes agreed with my proposals, and sometimes they refused to accept them. Then I will continue to give them a united front and make new rules:
"Since neither of you agrees to look at it together, let's figure out a way for yourself." But you can't be noisy anymore, or I'll have a chance to take the book away. ”
Next, let them solve the problem on their own. What we have to remember in this process is that if they quarrel again or fight over something, we have to remind them of new rules; if they continue to break the rules, then take the things away and let them bear the consequences of breaking the rules themselves.
L Out of the "fair" misunderstanding
When many parents deal with disputes between their children, the biggest misunderstanding will tell their children to be "fair" in everything.
Fairness and equality are things that everyone yearns for, but in fact, there is no absolute fairness in real life, and it is very normal for children to face competition in the first few years of school. Parents may love each child the same amount, but the attention children feel is very different.
There is an old Chinese saying called "children who love to cry have milk to drink", in family education, children who often love to cry and love to make trouble and are difficult to serve are more likely to get the attention of their parents, and they also need parents to invest more time and energy. So when the child complains, "This is not fair, you all love your sister more and don't love me", don't try to argue, the best way is to show that you understand the child's opinion, and establish a fair reward and punishment system in advance.
To let the child know what the parents require for their behavior, within what range the behavior can fluctuate, and which behavior is a matter of principle, not allowed to be violated, the child who does a good job should be rewarded, including material rewards, and the child who makes a mistake will be punished appropriately.
The true fairness of parents to their children is reflected in the fact that the superior can get more rewards, and the inferior party will understand that it is impossible to survive without effort. This is not to say that a child who does not work hard enough does not deserve the love of his parents, but it is precisely to use a motivating way to encourage the weak child to become stronger and master more independent life.
Of course, in this process, parents must know how to affirm every little progress of the weak child, in order to enhance his confidence.
At the same time, it is also necessary to set rules and implement them for children, so that children know clearly what can be done and what cannot be done.
Setting rules may not immediately eliminate quarrels and contradictions, but the establishment of rules allows both sides of the quarrel to understand their positions and understand what the boundaries they cannot violate are. Only in this way can children and their brothers and sisters gradually get along well in the initial quarrel, know how to deal with each other's relationship, and find the most comfortable way to get along.