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After blind dates, love, and marriage, divorce reality shows have also appeared.
Recently, the first divorce reality show in China, "Goodbye Lover", is being broadcast, and some netizens commented that "this is a microscopic version of "Marriage Story"" . So, what marriages does this show reveal?
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In "Goodbye Lover", the program team invited three couples who were divorced, divorced and in the cooling off period of divorce, and wanted to divorce but had not yet divorced, to start an 18-day trip in Xinjiang. Of course, these three couples are not "vegetarians", they are also engaged in acting-related occupations, such as screenwriters, agents, models, etc. Since they are not very well-known star couples, the audience can pay more attention to the marriage itself.
The first pair of divorced guests, Zhang He and Guo Keyu, correspond to the loneliness in marriage, although this marriage seems to be harmonious and there is no quarrel, but most of the time they are each other, there is not much communication, and they are two strangers living together. This state is very common in reality, and many people will lament that "after marriage, husband and wife are roommates", they live together, but they have no interest in each other's inner world.
So why did they choose to get married? In the show, they also answered this question frankly, not because of love, but because they were old and wanted a family. This may also be the real reason why many people in contemporary times get married, they just want a social identity, or their parents urge marriage, see that everyone around them is married, and they don't fall behind, as to who the other party is, it doesn't seem to matter.
The second pair of guests Wei Wei and Tong Chenjie, who are preparing for divorce, let the audience see the consumption of marriage by the trivialities of life, the husband loves to drink, no matter how much the wife persuades it is useless; the husband wants a child, and the wife feels that he has not grown up and cannot shoulder the responsibility of "father", so he does not want children. It can be seen that both of them still have feelings, but love and whether they can live together are sometimes not the same thing.
The third pair of guests are Wang Qiuyu and Zhu Yaqiong, who are in the cooling off period of divorce, and the couple has exposed the phenomenon of emotional unresponsiveness in marriage. To some extent, Wang Qiuyu is the epitome of most men at the moment, they work hard and are responsible for their families, but they can't respond to their wives' emotional needs, and even think that it is not important. It is precisely because of this that the audience will be so sympathetic to Zhu Yaqiong's tears, there is no wedding, belittling her ugly, hugging and counting time, many women may see their own experiences, they hope to get warmth through marriage, but find that the original marriage is so cold.
According to secular standards, these couples should be in a very ideal situation, both parties have a good economic income, relatively equal status, no domestic violence, no cheating. Even so, the two sides still can't get by, why is this?
This may be related to the modern people's requirements for marriage. Andrew J. Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University proposes that historically, people's marriages have gone through three stages. Before 1850, people's marriages were mainly institutional marriages, that is, living together and having children. From 1850 to 1965, with the development of the economy, the mainstream model of marriage changed to a friendly marriage, and both parties began to pay attention to love and companionship. Since 1965, people have increasingly hoped to get the opportunity for self-expression and self-growth in marriage, that is, self-expression marriage.
<h1 class="pgc-h-center-line" data-track="68" > the emotional needs of the self</h1>
In life, all three marriage patterns exist, and most marriages are actually a mixture of tradition and modernity.
People still consider external conditions such as economy and education when choosing a marriage partner, but people are also paying more and more attention to their own feelings in marriage, including their own experience of being loved and loved, and whether they are respected and appreciated. That is to say, marriage is seen as a shortcut to intimacy, and behind words such as "someone will take care of you after marriage" and "marriage is to find a partner" are all conveying a message: people think that after marriage, they will be able to get love and intimacy.
However, the reality is undoubtedly much harsher, intimacy is not a social contract, it requires two individuals to open themselves up and truly feel each other's world, this driving force does not come from responsibility or social identity, but one person's most genuine curiosity and resonance about the other person. As Martin Buber put it in Me and You: "True marriage arises only when both men and women open their 'you' to each other, and nothing else can give life to marriage." ”
Obviously, people underestimate their own need for love, thinking that they can spend time with another person as long as it is suitable. As the show says, "Don't overestimate your tolerance for loveless marriages." People often think that in traditional marriage, this model is very normal, without love can accompany a lifetime, this is not a kind of self-deception, in fact, it is not that both parties are very happy, but there is no way to pour it out. Nowadays, in the Internet age, people can see many middle-aged and elderly women who complain about loveless marriage. For example, a 61-year-old female fan who is obsessed with "Jin Dong" who ran away from home, she knows that Jin Dong is fake but it does not matter, because she can feel love from this illusory relationship.
For a long time, society has emphasized the instrumental value of marriage, but ignored the emotional needs, and people want to be seen and understood, which is not pretentiousness, but the most essential statement of people. This aspect has formed a large gender difference, influenced by traditional ideas, men are not encouraged to express emotions in the process of growing up, thinking that as long as they do not cheat and provide financial support to the family, it is a good marriage, and emotional response is useless.
Women, on the other hand, are increasingly intolerable to loveless marriages. This is also the reason why the third couple on the show has sparked heated discussions, and it makes people see how emotionally deprived life is so sad and empty. This is also the complexity of intimate relationships, it is not a combination of objective conditions, there is no set of existing templates, it is the process of one person to know themselves through another person, you must feel and experience it yourself.
In fact, these are all unavoidable parts of emotions, people do not fall in love with a perfect object, and sweetness is never the whole picture of love. In a way, the essence of love is to get along with the flaws in the other person's personality, that is, you know that the other party has all kinds of unbearable, and still choose to love this person. As the Little Prince says, "If you want to create a bond with someone else, you have to bear the risk of tears." At the same time, separation is not a failure of marriage, love is only a kind of relationship between people, if there is no love, it is also good to face your feelings, accept the passing of feelings, and get along in the way of friends or relatives. From this perspective, the show is more like a window for people to see the complexity and richness of emotional relationships.
In modern society, marriage is only a carrier of intimate relationships, not all. The most precious thing between people has never been marriage, but the flow of emotions. However, love has always been a game for the brave, and it belongs to those who enjoy love and being loved, but also accept its risks and impermanence.
Wen | Nan zhou knew