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When the night wind blows, a chill suddenly arises, a lonely child, regardless of the weather, cold and hot, always in front of his grandfather's sickbed, light a lamp to read the poetry collection of Shimazaki Fujimura, and often take out his favorite "The Tale of Genji", reading some sad sentences...
Those who have known him may say that he is lonely, that he is not good-looking, and that he has a distorted personality. But no one could hide his literary talent.
In "A Scene of the Conjuring Festival", in order to eliminate the depression in his heart, he wandered the Streets of Asakusa or sold art, and after witnessing the cruel facts of the oppression of countless low-level girls, she described one touching scene after another with compassion for innocent girls. In just three days at the Festival of Souls, the seventeen-year-old girl Ah Guang, under the whip of circus owner Isaku, performed an intense performance amid the cheers of onlookers, and these three days of performances made her almost lose the feeling of being alive. It was a kind of despair, and at the moment when she should have cried, she was numb.....
The person who wrote this story was Yasunari Kawabata. Most of Kawabata's works are poignant, just like his lifelong emotional experience, there is always a faint beauty and hurt.
Kawabata's parents died when he was very young, and he was taken back by his grandparents to his hometown of Toyokawa Sukusho Higashimura. His grandparents regarded this seedling as a treasure in their palms, and did not want him to go out, letting him stay in the damp house every day and not allowing him to have contact with the outside world. Before elementary school, Kawabata knew almost nothing about people and things outside except for his grandparents.
The grandparents loved Kawabata very much, but after the death of their grandmother, only their grandfather and Kawabata were left to live together. Kawabata's feelings for his blind grandfather are very complicated. On the one hand, he was Kawabata's only reliance and sustenance, on the other hand, looking at his grandfather's thin and dry face, his almost bald white hair, his hands trembling with skin and bones, and remembering the scenes that were often relatively speechless, Kawabata often felt extremely lonely.
Kawabata grew up longing for love, losing his parents at the age when he was loved by his parents, having to bear the pressure of a poor life in the days of dependence with his grandfather, often having to take care of his grandfather lying on a sick bed, listening to the painful groans of a dying relative, and inexplicable whispers...
Such a child, the desire for love, will only be more, not less.
When my grandfather was alive, he once took him to visit a friend. As soon as Kawabata saw the two teenagers of the family, he felt very close. After that, in order to get rid of the loneliness of his previous life, he often longed to meet the two teenagers, especially in the dead of night, and this desire was even stronger. This emotion seems to be like a teenager's lovesickness for the opposite sex, if he does not see each other for a long time, a sense of loss will arise in his heart. Kawabata does not feel that this is homosexuality, but instead attributes this emotion to "heart fetishism", that is, innate devotion.
But in Harugata, in the fifth grade of Ibaraki Junior High School in Kawabata, in his school dormitory, a new roommate from the lower grade, Yoshitomo Ogasawara, arrived. The first time he saw Ogasawara, Kawabata was amazed and thought he was a man like no other in the world. When Kawabata heard that Ogasawara had been sickly since childhood and had been carefully cared for and loved by his mother, he remembered his unfortunate life and envied Ogasawara's happy life.
The improvement of the two people's feelings must start from a high fever in Kawabata. At that time, Kawabata was lying in bed, and at two o'clock in the second half of the night, he was confused to hear Ogasawara chanting something in a word. Kawabata knew that Ogasawara and another roommate were standing by his bedside, and Ogasawara was praying for himself, but he pretended to be asleep, as if afraid of being discovered.
Later, Yasunari Kawabata tentatively asked Ogasawara what he was reading, and Ogasawara smiled nonchalantly and said that this was a prayer to a god you did not know, so that your illness was cured. Then he talked to Kawabata about being a god he believed in. During the conversation, Kawabata did not understand the mystery of God, so he asked him a series of questions. In the end, Ogasawara was cornered by the question, so he had to say go home and ask his father about it.
Since then, the two of them have become almost inseparable. Yasunari Kawabata always had to share a room with Ogasawara, and he had to arrange for Ogasawara to sleep in his neighbor's bunk. This is also the first time in his life that he has experienced the comfort and warmth of life...
One day in the cold winter moon, the east was slightly white, and before the dormitory rang the bedbell, Kang Cheng got up and was relieved, and a cold breath struck, and he felt trembling. Back in the room, he immediately slipped into Ogasawara's bed and hugged Ogasawara's warm body tightly. Ogasawara opened his sleeping eyes, and with a childish innocent expression, he hugged Yasunari's neck tightly as if dreaming. Their cheeks were also pressed together.
At this time, Kangcheng gently landed his dry lips on Ogasawara's forehead and eyelids. Ogasawara slowly closed his eyelids and said frankly, "My body is given to you, and I can love it as much as I want." It's up to you to die or live. It's all up to you. ”
In the process of getting along day and night, Yasunari felt that he was really in love with Ogasawara. He couldn't help but say to Ogasawara, "You want to be my lover, right?" Ogasawara said without hesitation, "Good." Kawabata later recalled that maybe this was "first love." At that time, he even felt that Ogasawara was even more seductive than a girl.
At that time, another male classmate in the same room also had a crush on Ogasawara, and even took advantage of Kangcheng's absence, secretly climbed onto Yasunari's bed, and also reached into the bed next door to Ogasawara's bed to touch Ogasawara's arm, trying to do that kind of "despicable deed". But Ogasawara ignored him and sternly refused, and he had to return to his bed.
When Yasunari found out, he was jealous, but he didn't want to ask Ogasawara about it. Unexpectedly, Ogasawara took the initiative to tell KangCheng and scolded the classmate for not being human. Kang Cheng was shocked after hearing this, he felt that this was Ogasawara's trust and admiration for him, and he inexplicably had a sense of victory in his heart. After that, his love for Ogasawara and his hatred for that classmate quickly developed to both extremes. The hatred for that classmate became stronger and stronger, even to the point of breaking off friends.
During his time in middle school boarding, Yasunari and Ogasawara maintained this homosexual relationship. Kang Cheng tries to get the warmth and comfort of love in this perverted way. After graduating from Yasunari High School and leaving his hometown to attend the First High School in Tokyo, they still rely on letters to maintain their relationship with each other.
Yasunari expressed his feelings in a letter to Ogasawara: "I want to kiss your arms and lips as usual. Let me be close to you, innocently you must think that this is just being embraced by your parents. Maybe now I've forgotten all that. But I, who accept your love, am not a pure heart like yours. ”
Kang Cheng confesses that he himself has been wandering in the delusions of fornication since he was a child, and gets a strange desire from the beautiful teenager. This is due to the lack of feminine breath in his home, and he has a sexual pathological problem.
After graduating from Ogasawara Junior High School, he did not go to school and entered the Omoto-kei Ashram in Kyoto. But he did not seek God in order to dispel the distress and melancholy in his heart, and judging from his once-insistence, he did not worship at God's feet, probably because his father was an important figure in the Great Sect, and he received the family's religious education from an early age and obeyed his father's arrangement.
During his stay at Saga, Yasunari visited the Ogasawara home in Saga that no one knew about. Ogasawara also talked about many miracles of the gods, and also let Yasunari see a kind of "earth rice", and introduced that the so-called earth rice is a kind of natural soil grain like millet grain hidden in the "spiritual land" hidden in the mountains according to the gods, which was given by God to the followers of the Great Ben Sect, and they can eat two or three grains a day to fill their hunger. As everyone knows, at that time, because Japan launched a war of aggression, it caused great suffering to the people of all countries, but also brought great suffering to the japanese people. People were threatened with famine, so Omoto created such a myth.
Kang Cheng did not believe it, but because of the old "lover"," he gritted his teeth and bitterly swallowed four or five pills of "soil rice" the size of a pill, and a smell of earth immediately surged into his heart, which was extremely uncomfortable.
Yasunari did not accept these teachings, but he felt that he had obviously become a shadow with Ogasawara, the "god", but half of this shadow was separated in the distance, and his heart had been broken, and his heart was filled with the emptiness he had created with his own hands. Yasunari also witnessed that most of the other young people in the ashram wore a somber face, while Ogasawara was still innocent, the whole family had a clear face, and the joy of silence overflowed throughout his body, and he was relieved.
In "Alone shadow self-made" written by Yasunari Kawabata when he was fifty years old, he recalled: "This is the first love I have encountered in my life, maybe I can call this my first love", "I have gained warmth, purity and salvation in this love." Kiyono (Ogasawara's pseudonym) even made me think that he was not this earthly teenager. From then until I was fifty years old, I never encountered such pure love again. ”
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