The biggest problem with marriage is that at first the marriage is imagined to be very beautiful and perfect, but when the marriage encounters setbacks, it is regarded as terrible. In the final analysis, on the one hand, there is no objective, rational and comprehensive understanding of marriage, and on the other hand, there is no ability to deal with marriage problems at all. So you can only shirk your responsibility and incompetence by blaming your partner and marriage.
First, there is no standard answer
Many articles have been said by many people that "there is only the difference between cheating 0 times and countless times", in the face of cheating men, "Don't divorce and keep the New Year?" "It seems that in the face of a partner cheating, a woman who chooses not to divorce is a big mistake."
But in fact, life and marriage are very complicated, and such a statement is just that many people are eager to seek a black-and-white certainty in the face of a complex and uncertain life.
Although it is said that being together is a matter of two people, and separating, as long as one person makes a decision, it is enough. But the decisive relationship can be very painful, and there are practical constraints.
When you really encounter cheating and betrayal, few people can really be smart and resolute to divorce. The people who say they are determined to let you go to divorce are just spectators. Things didn't come to him, and if it were him, she would surely be hesitant and miserable.
There is no standard answer to this question, but there are 2 latitude criteria:
1, leave or not, whether to be faithful to the choice of the heart.
2, away from or not, whether it can bear the cost of choice
If your choice is rationally thought out and you are willing to bear the cost of the choice, it is the best choice.
We choose divorce because we don't love anymore, there is no need to mend the relationship, not because we are afraid of worldly ridicule;
We choose to forgive because we still love and still want to try to repair, not because the child is still young, we have no income, and our parents say not to leave...
No matter what choice you make, among all the sounds, we must accurately hear the truest voice in our hearts not being wrapped up, everything from the heart.
Leaving and not leaving are for their own better life, not to satisfy the wishes of others. Therefore, before deciding whether to divorce or not, first sort out your emotions and try not to make a decision that you regret.
We usually think that the derailed party is passive and weak. But in fact, at this time, the derailed person grasps the key to whether the crisis can be reversed.
How you make decisions determines how you and your whole family will spend their time in the future.
After cheating, whether you choose to divorce or not to divorce, it is to live happier.
Second, no one can make a choice for you
A qualified and responsible family marriage counselor will not and cannot help you make any decisions, nor will he judge a person's right or wrong.
As for divorce or no divorce? It takes everyone to decide for themselves.
But aside from the principle of neutrality as a marriage and family counselor, I personally prefer not to divorce and rebuild the marriage. When I say marriage reconstruction, I mainly refer to the reconstruction of marriage within marriage, not the reconstruction of divorce and remarriage.
This is my value orientation and opinion. It is also my research direction. So I've been practicing advocating for the spread of the concept of marriage reconstruction.
Myself included are beneficiaries of marriage reconstruction. I myself rebuilt my dying marriage step by step, and finally transcended the old pattern and returned to the new honeymoon period.
Now my relationship with my husband can be described as a soul mate, and we did.
Soul mates are not found, but created by your own leadership.
Why am I so vocal in advocating for the idea of rebuilding marriage?
Before answering this question, let's explore:
What problems does divorce solve?
Does divorce really solve these problems?
Is divorce the real way out of marital problems?
If you can have a clear and profound understanding of these 3 issues, I believe you will know whether to divorce or not.
When there is a problem in marriage, we cannot simply generalize it as a personality disharmony, and cheating is a corrupt moral character, a bad character, and so on.
We must look at the motivations and reasons behind an event. Why is he doing this?
According to my research and research, divorce caused by the breakdown of marriage is basically caused by 3 reasons.
namely:
Don't know how to manage marriage,
Do not understand the relationship between husband and wife,
I don't know love,
Some people can be said to be illiterate in marriage.
What are the reasons for these 3 problems?
1, the lack of understanding of marriage itself (marriage double contradiction, the good side also has a bad side)
2, the lack of marriage education (happy marriage is managed, soul mate is not found, but their own leadership to create)
3, the influence of the original family or past trauma (the "attachment" theory of developmental psychology has confirmed that different attachment types will be formed when the dependence on the mother is satisfied in infancy. The most direct and significant impact on adults depending on the type of attachment is their approach to intimacy. ）
Whether it is due to personality incompatibility, infidelity betrayal or other reasons for the disintegration of marriage, it is essentially the result of the combined effect of these 3 problems.
You have to understand that it is useless to change the pool without swimming more.
Third, instead of tangling and inseparable, it is better to deal with it coldly
When you are entangled in your heart and don't know what to do, you actually have to jump out. If you do not have the ability to face and deal with it for the time being, you can treat it cold first.
The so-called cold treatment is not in a hurry to draw conclusions and make choices. Consciously put it down first, slow down, take a look at it and then say. After the conditions are ripe, or when the various phenomena that cause contradictions are more fully exposed, the optimal solutions and schemes are come up with, and finally the peak loop turns, and the willows are dark and bright.
You might say that watching him cheat every day is disgusting and painful. Don't want to give him an intersection. These are all very normal reactions after being cheated on, in which case you can mentally make a distinction for him. Tell yourself that I am me and that he is him. Irrelevant. Wait until you have the power within yourself to re-link step by step.
Fourth, instead of tangling and inseparable, it is better to grow yourself
In fact, in the end, what makes you entangled in addition to the emotional pull is actually that you can't afford the consequences of divorce.
If this is the case, why don't we take this as an opportunity to learn and change our growth?
I think: infidelity is the biggest marital crisis. But at the same time, it is also an important opportunity for the growth of both parties' feelings and personal hearts.
Why? Let's start with a story I've dealt with.
A couple who have been married for 8 years, the husband cheated when the son was seven years old. The wife has been at home to take care of the family and children since marriage and is a standard housewife. My husband started a company and had a small career.
The wife thought that "Little Three" was younger and more beautiful than herself, but she did not expect that the other party was a middle-aged woman with a plain appearance and divorce. Her self-esteem has taken a huge hit and she doesn't understand where she lost?
The husband said, "I'm sorry, you're so good, you're around me every day." And she has her own ideas and will not always go along with me. ”
When the wife heard this, she was very upset, and she did not expect that she would wholeheartedly take care of the family's children, but she got such a result. After some painful struggle, she sought my help.
After discussing the relationship between the two, I suggested that she should not rush to get back her husband, nor end the marriage immediately, but make some changes.
Let her stop using her husband and children as a center, stop just cooking and washing, and start doing herself. Ask yourself what you like? What do you most want to do? Put yourself deep in your heart to do what you don't want to do, do it, etc. Then she enrolled herself in flower arrangement, yoga classes, beauty, hot springs, travel, completely follow her heart, enjoy her life and circle of friends.
Slowly, she began to change the mode of interaction with her husband, no longer blindly giving, but emphasizing equality and respect.
What she did not expect was that her changes quickly attracted the attention of her husband, making the relationship between the two people better and better, they regularly lived in the world of two, watched movies, traveled, and found the happiness and sweetness of love.
In fact, in the process, the wife is simply doing herself. But she became a more powerful person and found her lost self, and no matter what choices she made, life would not be too bad.
After reading this story, do you understand?
Sometimes marriage can also cause a woman to lose herself – otherwise, there should be far more outstanding women in the world. - Sanmao
Accept the best, but also bear the worst.
Marriage encounters cheating and betrayal, rather than choosing divorce or not divorcing itself, having the ability to manage marriage and love, and having the right and ability to actively choose is more important. Because many times what makes you miserable is not the painful event itself, but the ability to choose, but the ability to make a choice.
Of course, we must also admit that it is not easy to solve the marriage dilemma.
Authorities are obsessed, dominated by strong emotions, and even evoke a lot of past trauma and complexes, relying on personal strength, there is no systematic method, it is impossible to make correct judgments and complete emotional repair.
The infidelity crisis can be transformed into a chance for emotional and personal growth on both sides, you just need the right, systematic approach.
Believe me, cheating may be the end of a relationship, but it will never be the end of your joy and strength, nor will it be a curse that you can no longer love.
In fact, whether it is marriage or life, there is no standard answer, everyone has to go their own way, explore themselves, slowly figure out what they want, what price they are willing to pay for it, and then choose, after that, look at it, and then adjust, until finally you can go on firmly.
After all, forbearance or divorce is not the ultimate goal of our choice, happiness is, after experiencing a crisis, still maintain the ability to love.
May you have the ability to please yourself and choose your life!
END
About the Author:
Hu Yue
Marriage reconstruction specialist
Practitioner of the concept of marriage reconstruction advocates and communicators
Psychological counselor of chinese academy of sciences
Founder of Sanfanghui Women's Platform
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