Su Xuelin
"I'm sorry for Zhang Baoling, I can't take care of him, and I left him alone on the mainland."
This is what Su Xuelin said when she recalled the past after Zhang Baoling's death, and it is not difficult to see her self-blame and guilt in her words.
But the reality is that when Su Xuelin knew how to love Zhang Baoling, the two had long been separated from each other, and there was no possibility of seeing each other again.
There are always some people in this world who are born with the factor of rebellion against feudalism, they are unwilling to settle down, they struggle hard, they are not willing to live in the rules and regulations that have been prescribed, su Xuelin is such a person.
She was born in 1897, at the end of the feudal era, and such a change-era should have belonged to someone like Su Xuelin who wanted to control his own destiny.
However, the head mother of the Su family, Su Xuelin's grandmother, is the "defender" of the old customs and etiquette, and she not only believes in the bad habit of "women are talentless and virtuous", but even lets Su Xuelin continue the habit of women's foot binding.
At that time, the Su family, only Su Xuelin's mother, could support herself without hesitation, and for her mother, Su Xuelin always had a grateful and filial attitude, and almost obeyed her mother's words.
When Su Xuelin was 16 years old, her mother made the marriage decision for her, and Su Xuelin did not resist this decision.
Her engagement partner is Zhang Baoling, who also has a wealthy business background, such a marriage is not to talk about feelings, she has not even seen the man's appearance, and she has confessed her life.
This is not a kind of sadness for Su Xuelin, she has struggled with feudal life since she was a child, but in the end, in order to be a "filial daughter", she still fell into the feudal vortex and accepted this "forced" marriage.
Until Su Xuelin went abroad to study, her understanding of Zhang Baoling was also known from her mother's mouth, and she did not seem to have a deep understanding of the desire of this future husband.
Time passed quickly, and in 1925, when Su Xuelin was 29 years old, she received news that her mother was seriously ill, and she was still studying abroad.
Knowing this bad news, Su Xuelin immediately embarked on a journey back to his hometown.
When she returned home and saw her fragile mother in danger, her heart was full of sorrow.
For her, her mother is the only safe haven in this feudal family, and it is precisely because of her mother's existence that Su Xuelin can pursue what she wants most in her heart.
In those days, grief almost devoured Su Xuelin.
And her mother's greatest wish is also to hope that Su Xuelin can start a family and live a happy life.
This "filial daughter" also agreed to her mother's last wish and married Zhang Baoling.
Just before the two got married, neither of them could see each other's true faces, a man who had never met before, and there was no emotional basis between them.
Zhang Baoling
This is the drawback of feudal arranged marriage, whether the two are in love or not, they will be shackled by marriage and there is no way to escape, which is the sadness brought by feudal thought to Su Xuelin.
But perhaps because of the novelty, the newly married two people, life is unexpectedly harmonious.
At that time, the two people had ideals, responsibilities, and learning, and were still teaching at the same university, so naturally they had endless common topics.
Perhaps Su Xuelin at that time also thought in her heart that the marriage of this parent's fate and concubine's words was not impossible, and perhaps Zhang Baoling planted a seed in her heart at that time, but this seed really blossomed too late.
It wasn't until many years later that Su Xuelin realized that it was love.
But that is already a feeling that has long exceeded the shelf life, and I want to turn back, but I find that the road has long been destroyed by years of indifference.
Outside of work, the two often do some meaningful things, they have opened up the wasteland together, chanted poems and painted together, and life is very sweet and happy.
At that time, they truly interpreted poetic marriage.
Zhang Baoling also designed their love nest in the shape of a boat, which is simply romantic, even now it is enough to make many young girls fall into it.
The same was true of Su Xuelin at that time, they enjoyed every minute of being with each other.
Where there is Su Xuelin, there is the shadow of Zhang Baoling, they are like lovers in love, they do not want to leave each other for a moment.
For Su Xuelin's mother, Zhang Baoling upholds the attitude of loving the house and Wu, and is very attentive, and even the tea and water delivery in Su's mother's daily life are all taken care of by Zhang Baoling.
Obviously, Su Mu was very satisfied with this "self-selected" son-in-law.
In the eyes of outsiders, the two are extremely compatible in both family knowledge and temperament, and they are really a beautiful couple.
But sometimes outsiders can only see the appearance, how can the relationship between husband and wife be easily seen by outsiders.
A person's temperament can only be revealed after a long time together, and the sweetness of a pair of lovers at the beginning is far less precious than the sweetness after deep understanding.
Obviously, Su Xuelin, who had just begun, was overwhelmed by the freshness.
She once said to Zhang Baoling personally that it is more romantic and sweet for couples to communicate with the words of their hometown.
For this sentence that Su Xuelin said carelessly, Zhang Baoling remembered it in his heart.
In just one month, he learned the dialect of Su Xuelin's hometown and began to talk to Su Xuelin in dialect.
From such practical actions, it is not difficult to see that Zhang Baoling at that time had a deep affection for Su Xuelin, and how could a person who did not love you go to great lengths to please you because of your unintentional talk.
Only people who love you will take pains to laugh at you and think about your short words.
But for everything Zhang Baoling did, Su Xuelin did not pay attention to it at all, and her heart seemed to have always been full of mustard about the feudal arranged marriage, even if they had a brief sweetness.
But for Zhang Baoling, whether their combination is man-made or natural, they must be treated well together.
He always tried to get close to Su Xuelin's heart, but the reality was not satisfactory.
Su Xuelin always regarded him as an outsider, preferring to give her salary to her sister rather than to Zhang Baoling, who was her husband.
Compared with Su Xuelin, Zhang Baoling is obviously much more feudal, and he has the common disease of feudal men, that is, machismo, and he considers himself the master of this family.
The water spilled by the girl who married out, Su Xuelin was already a member of the Zhang family, and su Xuelin's belongings should naturally be managed by him, not Su Xuelin's mother's family.
However, Su Xuelin was very dissatisfied with Zhang Baoling's attitude, and the two often made a big fuss because of the relationship between money, and the cognitive contradiction between the two had already appeared.
Su Xuelin flaunts a new era woman, while Zhang Baoling is quite macho, so both of them have a strong personality, and naturally no one will let anyone in terms of life.
But if the young and vigorous are willing to make concessions for their other half, the result will not be the same as it will be many years later.
Unfortunately, they didn't.
Su Xuelin thinks that she is a woman in the new era, how can she only circle around her husband all day long, she has her own career, her own circle of communication, she lives for herself.
Such thinking was very advanced at that time, which was enough to reflect Su Xuelin's unfettered and free character.
With such a character, she will naturally not be a woman who only circles around the kitchen, and she will definitely not be as tired of housework as the women of ancient times.
Zhang Baoling once wanted to drink a bowl of soup cooked by Su Xuelin himself, and Su Xuelin never agreed to this request.
How easy and common it is for a husband to taste the soup his wife has made by himself and put it in any family.
But such an ordinary daily thing, Su Xuelin did not promise him.
She had forgotten or thought of what Zhang Baoling had done for her.
She forgot that Zhang Baoling had studied dialects for her, forgotten Zhang Baoling's careful care for her mother, and forgotten the sweet times they had.
Their relationship has become like walking on thin ice, as if it will break at any moment, waiting for the final blow all the time.
Soon this fatal blow came, and Zhang Baoling was admitted to the hospital due to gastrointestinal disease.
Su Xuelin and Qiong Yao
Perhaps because of the patient's emotional fluctuations, or because of the long-term emotional squeeze, during the illness, Zhang Baoling often became angry with Su Xuelin.
How can a strong woman like Su Xuelin eat the loss of a small woman, she bluntly believes that this is Zhang Baoling's initiative to provoke a dispute.
The two separated, and because of the place of work, the two can really be said to be apart.
But no matter how bad their married life is, they both have the heart to serve the motherland.
Su Xuelin was a teacher at Wuhan University in 1938, and since the outbreak of the Battle of Wuhan that year, he has followed the school's students to Leshan, Sichuan.
And Zhang Baoling? In kunming, the author engineer worked, and both of them contributed to the motherland in different places.
But precisely because of the separation of heavens, the contradictions between husband and wife are even more impossible to reconcile, and what they are afraid of is not the quarrel when they are together.
What is even more frightening is the silence after the heavens meet each other, and indifference is always more terrible than quarrel.
Husbands and wives are often not separated by quarrels, and the last straw that crushes the camel is always an indifferent attitude for couples.
Su Xuelin and Zhang Baoling are like this.
In 1942, Zhang Baoling received an invitation from Wuhan University to join the church, which was the meeting of the husband and wife after many years.
It is said that the husband and wife are small and win the new marriage, not to mention that Su Xuelin and Zhang Baoling have "said goodbye" for such a long time, when they get together, they should be full of tears and excitedly embrace each other.
But this is not the case, and for the reunion of the two, the people around them seem to be more excited than they are.
After the reunion, not only did they not have any surprises, but they did not even live under the same roof.
They don't look like a couple, but more like an unfamiliar couple.
Wuhan University during the Republic of China
The tacit understanding between Su Xuelin and Zhang Baoling seems to be the only divorce left that neither of them has proposed.
Now that I think about it, they may have each other in their hearts, and not divorcing su Xuelin is just waiting for an explanation from Zhang Baoling to himself, waiting for another party's concessions, waiting for another party's apology.
Zhang Baoling may only be waiting for a bowl of soup that Su Xuelin personally boiled.
In the years that they have been together, they have always been like strangers, empty of the name of husband and wife, but not of husband and wife.
Even more regrettably, until the next time they separated, none of them opened their mouths first.
But they don't know that life is short for decades, and if they don't say it this time, they may not be able to wait for the next time.
If they knew that the separation was permanent, would anyone speak first and rekindle the flame that was about to be extinguished?
Su Xuelin in his later years
Years later, Su Xuelin's regret gave the answer, obviously yes, and the deceased Zhang Baoling obviously did the same.
But there is no if, if, and only people in the hypothesis.
After the victory of the War of Resistance Against Japanese Aggression, Su Xuelin chose to leave the mainland for development, while Zhang Baoling chose to stay on the mainland, but this difference, the two never had the opportunity to meet again.
The choices of the two of them are also completely in line with their respective ambitions, Su Xuelin did not want to be bound by others all his life, and struggled with feudal red tape as a child.
Later, she was naturally not bound, she was free, she longed for any place she wanted to go.
She is a bird that soars freely in the sky, never stopping, always on the go.
Zhang Baoling, who stayed on the mainland, has always adhered to his own beliefs, and he seems to prefer a stable life for wandering away from home.
He is more like a tree, taking root on the ground, not likes to migrate, but silently absorbs the nutrients in the land to make himself flourish.
Birds don't understand the immutable nature of trees, and trees don't understand birds' quest for themselves.
But the birds always stay in the trees, even if they make a nest in the trees for a short time, like the sweet times they once had.
It's just that birds belong to the sky and trees belong to the earth.
Their later result was that they did not see each other again.
In 1961, Zhang Baoling, who suffered from gastrointestinal diseases, died.
Even if Su Xuelin had more words in his heart to say to him, it would be useless after all.
Half a year after Zhang Baoling's death, Su Xuelin received the news of his death.
Ironically, a couple didn't even attend the funeral of the first party.
Elder Su Xuelin
At this time, she remembered Zhang Baoling's good coming, she remembered Zhang Baoling's painstaking learning dialect for him, remembered Zhang Baoling designing a love nest for them, remembered Zhang Baoling's careful care for his mother, and remembered the endless love for her in Zhang Baoling's eyes.
She also remembered the bowl of soup that Zhang Baoling had "begged" for her, and that bowl of soup, she had never boiled for him from beginning to end.
She regretted it, but it was useless.
People always know how to regret after losing, Zhang Baoling's "good" was infinitely magnified by Su Xuelin after his death, and his "bad" has long been covered by "good".
They have had so many opportunities to say to each other sincerely, I have you in my heart, but neither of them has been able to speak.
Even after separation, the letters were never sent, preferring to cling to their own faith and dignity, and missing the people they loved.
In the end, Su Xuelin's full of guilt only turned into one sentence: I am sorry for Zhang Baoling, I can't take care of him, and I left him alone on the mainland.
For their love tragedy, many people think that most of the mistakes are in Su Xuelin's body, and if she can "compromise" her feudal life, she will also live happily.
But is that really the case?
No one has ever stipulated that she should give up herself for love, and if Su Xuelin really became the one who used it, she would only be more unfortunate.
For Zhang Baoling and Su Xuelin, neither of them was wrong, the fault was only in the feudal etiquette of cannibalism, and the fault was only in the wrong time node when they met.
They were all only victims of feudal arrangements, but when they finally understood, there was no possibility of seeing each other again.
Zhang Baoling and Su Xuelin never divorced in their lives, and their lives can be regarded as the implementation of the proverb of one or two people in one lifetime.
Whether it is the compulsion of etiquette or the sharpness of the heart between the two, they have finally achieved this that many people have not done.
The feelings between them can only be expressed by the word "regret".
If there is really an afterlife in life, I hope that "Su Xuelin" and "Zhang Baoling" at that time can meet at the right time, in the true sense of a lifetime and a couple.
I also hope that all the lovers in the world will not wait until they have no chance to regret it like them.