Recently, Liu Tao's new drama "I Really Love You" has aroused heated discussion among many netizens.
Through a "confinement center", this drama brings the internal and external changes and impacts faced by women in the process of childbearing to the screen.
Among them, the topic of women's "reproductive pressure" has been repeatedly discussed by netizens.
The "mother anxiety" conveyed in the play was even scolded on the hot search.
In this drama, Xiao Yan, played by Liu Tao, is the person in charge of this confinement center, and she will see all kinds of mothers every day, and she knows the "jerkiness and anxiety" of new motherhood.
She strives to channel the mothers, let the mothers pay attention to their emotions, and put themselves in front of the children, so as to establish a stable internal support system for the children.
However, there are always some voices that disrupt this order:
Li Mei'e, the director of this confinement center, seems to be the "whipper" of mothers, and whenever mothers have a gap to return to themselves, she immediately pulls mothers back to "reality".
During the afternoon tea of the mothers, she stepped forward and said, "Your heart is so big, just give the baby to our nurse." You're here drinking tea and chatting, have fun. ”
With the fall of several falls, no mother dared to eat the refreshments prepared by the Confinement Center.
Once the gaze is shifted from the child's body to her own body, Li Mei'e will remind them: "You must always care about the child's feelings, otherwise you are not worthy of being a mother." ”
She opposed Xiao Yan's concept, and she constantly "alerted" her mothers:
All mothers should put their children first, this is what a mother should do, this is mother's love.
But does mom really need to work so hard?
Is the happy thing of becoming a mother really only premised on sacrificing oneself?
In the dynamic growth system of the family, when the concept of "the child is the most important" runs rampant, can it really stabilize the family boat?
Qualified mothers are not self-suppressed
Once, on the Internet, a new mom@Juju Mom's post caused a lot of controversy.
In the post, she claimed that "I should be the most vicious person in the world for babies" and was an "unqualified mother" in the eyes of outsiders.
When the baby was born, she did not want to kiss her baby, so she was immediately questioned by the nurse: "How can someone dislike their child?" ”
As a new mother, the next life made her despair.
In the third hour of the birth of the child, she was forced to eat 10 eggs.
On the second day of the birth of the child, she played with uterine and quarreled because her husband could not make milk powder.
On the 3rd day of the birth of the child, the husband coaxed the child to lose patience, scolded the child for being "really cheap", and she opened the cracked breast t for the baby to eat.
When she didn't want to drink pig's trotter soup, she was reprimanded: "If you don't drink, you won't have milk, and without milk you won't be worthy to be a mother." ”
She always seemed to have a "stinky temper".
Her husband scolded her for being neurotic, and her family thought it was pitiful to be her baby. Her husband will also hold the baby and say, "I will never let anyone hurt you again." ”
And the "other" in this mouth is herself, the mother of the child.
The mother cried in the text: "Every late at night, when the baby is crying, all kinds of people who love the baby are asleep, and they all ignore his cries, and I am the only one to take care of him." ”
Those tossing and turning nights, she could only suffer alone.
She felt as if she were living in the vacuum of the role of "Mom", and everyone could only see this identity, not herself.
From this mother's self-report, we can clearly feel the emotions of postpartum depression. But to others, these emotions seem to be emptied, because this is not what a "mother" should do, and the child is the most important at this time.
And once the "mothers" break free of this bondage, they will be repulsed by guilt:
"I'm a mom, how can I have such thoughts?"
"I'm a mom, how can the child leave me?"
It seems that mothers should naturally suppress their own needs and sacrifice in exchange for "great praise".
There are also women who give everything to the moment they become mothers.
She quit her job and single-mindedly took the baby home.
In order to prove her worth, she practiced what she preached in the matter of children.
Because she has lived in such an "identity kidnapping" for a long time, she must rely on her children to feel the meaning of her existence.
The greatest value of their lives is no longer self-realization, but the realization of "motherhood".
But in the process, when the mother sacrifices herself infinitely, she becomes depressed, nervous, and heavy inside.
The mother's internal system will gradually be unbalanced and collapsed, and when a person is in turmoil, the source of her love will be blocked, and the inner link with the child will slowly be lost.
The premise of empowering children is to "loosen" themselves
Everyone's life should have its own life script. Children are, and so are parents.
In the family, when the child becomes the "most important", then it must be the parents who have made sacrifices and compromises in their own scripts.
According to data, in China, 62% of parents are willing to sacrifice themselves for their children, hoping that they can become talents, and 26% have changed their work models for their children.
In order to improve the quality of life of their children, 48% of parents simply gave up their hobbies and activities. And 37 percent have drastically reduced or stopped leisure activities and vacations altogether.
This "sacrifice" has been repeated in countless family relationships.
But when the focus of the whole family is on the child, the inner trauma of the parents is easy to ignore and suppress.
But the repressive part does not disappear out of thin air, but transforms into an expectation of the child - "I have sacrificed so much for you, why are you disobedient?" ”
Those emotions that cannot be relieved and the needs that are not met will be projected on the children through parent-child education.
Children should give back to their parents in the way they expect, and children even have to take on the life of their parents and realize the regrets and dreams of their parents.
In this way, how can children live out their own life scripts?
We have all heard the story of the "mother of the fish head", when the mother eats the fish, she always eats the head of the fish and leaves the meat of the fish to the child.
Before dying, the mother finally said to her son, "I have a wish, that is, to eat fish once." ”
All along, she always said to her son, "I like to eat fish heads, and the fish and meat will be eaten for you." ”
Once, we interpreted it as a story of great maternal love.
But from another point of view, the mother suppresses herself, how guilty the child should be.
His life will always carry the burden of "guilt".
Misplaced family relationships, parents only pay and do not accept, will produce a sense of "innocence", feel that they are always right in the relationship, always have a clear conscience. However, children only have a sense of guilt in the face of "innocence", and it is difficult for them to digest the efforts of their parents.
Families who are "all for the sake of their children" will gradually evolve into an unbalanced system.
In this system, parents put the burden of their lives on the shoulders of their children. The child's young body carries the weight forward, and the parents' sense of value is bound to the child, and they dare not slacken off at all.
Everyone in the family has not been fully respected and grown, and none of them can live the life they deserve.
Happy families are doing their part
The essence of home is a stable, flowing energy system.
In a conjugal relationship, what the wife needs is a sense of belonging, and what the husband needs is a sense of self-esteem. In a parent-child relationship, what children need is a sense of security.
In a family, when every individual is satisfied, the family system can be stable.
In a healthy family, everyone deserves the respect they deserve, they should be seen, and they should all be in their place.
1. Listen to your own inner voice
In the system of the family, for each person, the core is the "self".
Long-term concession to the needs of other family members, suppressing their own hearts, and not fulfilling themselves and others.
The grievances and anger after the repression will come at some point.
In "The Hidden Corner", after Zhu Chaoyang's mother divorced, she sacrificed her love, all in order to let her son study with peace of mind.
And all this repression gushed out at the moment when Zhu Chaoyang didn't want to drink milk, turning into that sentence: "Why don't you listen to me?" ”
But if the mother can listen to her own voice and put herself in the first place in life, the child's life will also undergo a corresponding positive change.
In the family system, we must see our own needs and find our true selves. "Take yourself out" of the misplaced family and put yourself in the position that should belong to you.
2. Give up being a good wife and mother
For a long time in the past, women's family functions were to marry and teach children, and both economy and personality were not independent, and they needed to be dependent on the family and men to gain a sense of security.
Although women now have the possibility of independence, the long-term social subconscious has allowed women to still make it a good wife and mother and cultivate good children as their "must for life script".
We are no longer dependent on others, so we do not need to sacrifice and forbearance in exchange for survival, in exchange for a sense of security.
Find your own life value, do not have to be a bitter wife and mother. We just need to make ourselves a refreshing, independent and powerful person, and be able to give our children the right amount of care, which is already rare.
3. The status of parents must be higher than that of children
In life, we will always do things that "make the child higher than the parents", such as having a little good food at home, and give it to the child. The family has limited money, so buy the best for the children.
Parenting blogger Moms once said that their children's total consumption accounts for only 30% of household expenditure. It is enough for parents to buy 300 pieces of clothing and 100 for their children.
When the needs of parents are higher than those of children, in such an environment, children will also grow up very relaxed.
When the status of parents is higher than that of children, they will give themselves unconditional respect, and the unconditional love of parents will naturally flow to the children, and the children can gladly accept this healthy love.
In the family, children are required to grow up in an environment constructed by their parents.
Therefore, the real love of children is not to suppress themselves to complete children, but to pay attention to their own needs and let themselves have a healthy personality.
In this way, there can be a good connection between the child and the parents, and love will nourish and flow throughout the family.
Planning | Fish sweet
Edit | Jiang Feng