Suddenly I missed Grandpa.
From April 22, 2016 to now, 162 days have passed. How fast, how slow.
I watched Grandpa go, watched the doctor unplug all the tubes on Grandpa's body, and watched him hold his breath for a few seconds before he could catch his breath and "sleep" calmly.
You ask, "What is it like to witness the death of a loved one?" ”
Actually, I can't tell.
But when you see this problem, just recall it.
I want to forget the fact that Grandpa is gone, but I want to always remember how he ended up.
Then, keep going.
Grandpa had lung cancer. There is no obvious trauma, and the face is not too vicious. It was just that breathing was very difficult, especially difficult, and the lungs were whirring, sucking phlegm several times a day, but still could not relieve his suffocation.
Lung cancer was detected in May last year, and a new cerebral infarction was added in January this year, and after nearly 11 months of strong resistance, it was still gone.
I watched my grandfather get sick and age. Before, Grandpa was very strong, visually measuring 150 pounds, but then every time I saw it, I felt a little thinner. At first, the stomach was small, then the thighs, and finally the flesh on the face was gone, and the cheekbones were protruding.
At the same time as weight loss, there are various vital signs.
From the beginning, it was only coughing up blood and suffocating, eating a large bowl of beef noodles, and walking on crutches. Love to bask in the sun.
Later, he could only sit in a wheelchair and could not stand up. The eyes are bright and I know everything. Can talk.
Then you can only lie down, and it takes a lot of effort to sit up. Getting picky eaters and eating less and less.
Then I started to be speechless, but my arms could still move, and as soon as I went, he always gave me a thumbs up, held hands with me, and hooked me.
This image was taken on 4.12, 10 days before his death. By this time he was already wandering. Every day and night, he often dreamed, dreaming of his father and mother who had passed away for many years, shouting "Mommy, Mommy", "Daddy, Daddy", as if he had really become a child. Listening to Grandma's description, he called "Daddy" when he called, not "Daddy" or "Daddy".
I stayed with him for a long time that day, and I don't know if he still recognizes me, but he pulls me, really tight. I didn't want to go either, he slept intermittently, one moment still chatting, babbling, and then suddenly falling asleep again, just like that, I just watched quietly next to him, watching him fall asleep, watching him wake up. His hand never let go, and I really didn't want to go. That day I told him a lot, told him, ten thousand years of single big fat man (my third brother) is about to get married, I have a scholarship, me and my boyfriend is very good, the boyfriend has settled in Beijing, I said you have to wait for me, you are going to go to the fat man's wedding to help, you have to show me the children...
Memories grind. Not anymore. I'm going to wash my face.
Go on. Flipped to the state it was in. Disappointed. It's really intimidating. Time flies too fast.
It feels like a roller coaster.
Anyone who has ridden a roller coaster knows that the terrible thing is not the moment of falling. It's the process of climbing the hill. Because we don't know exactly when, it will plummet.
But that day will come.
Well, it's April 22nd.
I was lucky. That week was particularly busy, several games, I couldn't open my body, my heart was always worried, I had to go to the hospital quickly, that was the last day, the last side. Grandpa benevolence. One day early, 24 hours early, I was still preparing for a very important speech on stage, and it was difficult to get out.
As soon as I went that day, I felt that the atmosphere was not right. Grandma and aunt were crying. While crying, he said that he thought Grandpa was no longer able to do it.
I have seen a lot of articles about the elderly's dying performance before, "back to the light back to the photo, the head wrinkle disappears, do not eat or drink, clean the intestines" is the four main features, I look at the grandfather, the head wrinkle is still there, and I thought that there is no return to the light, although do not eat or drink for many days, but there should be tomorrow. I consoled myself.
Grandpa was lying not so peacefully in the hospital bed, his face was iron blue, his cheekbones were protruding, he was still taking a few seconds to catch his breath with a ventilator, his blood oxygen was hovering around 90, and I shook his hand, cold as ice.
Grandma cried and said, "Yesterday it just got better, how did it suddenly happen today?" Yesterday was fine. Yesterday everyone recognized it and said a lot of things. ”
My heart clattered.
This is the return to the light. It's a return to the light! With the flesh on his hand, he silently exploded in his heart.
Because I know that if the light is returned, people are really not far from death.
As a well-educated college student, as a granddaughter who knows about the phenomenon of returning to the light, I did not remind my family, did not tell them in advance that if Grandpa suddenly woke up, he must call the whole family, especially me.
But I didn't.
I regret it, I crash, I panic. This is really, my biggest regret. Until now.
"What is it like to witness the death of a loved one?"
1. Ignorance. I didn't know what to do, my brain was blank at the time, I didn't know how to cry, I especially wanted to bungee jump, I especially wanted to dive, I especially wanted to do some extreme sports that I usually didn't dare to do at all, and I especially wanted to completely empty myself.
2. Then think about it, and you will feel relieved. He would also feel that at least he didn't have to live so painfully. At that time, we took the initiative to ask to pull out the ventilator, because it was really painful to watch Grandpa take a few seconds to catch his breath. Hopefully he'll be relieved. I never believed in anything, but I really hoped that Grandpa would become a star in the sky.
3. Want to live well. Begin to fear life. Lucky. My grandparents and grandparents and other family members have always been alive, and I only faced the death of a loved one for the first time when I was 20 years old. For the first time I felt that death was so close to us. I feel that I really have to cherish the hard-won, hard-won life. Start with eating less cold and eating less spicy orz. ——The respondent to menstrual pain said to himself.
4. Cherish the people in front of you. Be nicer to your family, be nicer. I'll go see Grandma tomorrow."