In the past few days, Chang Dad's circle of friends has been brushed by the case of a 14-year-old girl in Heilongjiang who killed her mother.
The specific details of the case have not yet been released by the police. According to the available information, after the girl had a verbal altercation with her mother, she killed her mother, and then put the body into a woven bag and transported it to the cold stock. Until 3 months later, the body was found by the girl's biological father.
Seeing these details, Chang Dad didn't know what to say except sigh.
"Quarrels occur", these 4 words, Chang Dad has seen too many times in the human tragedy of adolescent children killing their fathers and mothers.
At the end of the day, the problem is communication.
Speaking of communication with adolescent children, there is a Weibo that impressed Chang Dad:
Although it looks like a paragraph, it is also quite poignant to think about it. Parents have been working hard for more than ten years, pulling children to grow up with a handful of shit and a handful of urine, and when it comes to adolescence, the child seems to instantly withdraw from our coddled, dependent, and talk-about, leaving only the two options of "shut up" and "give money".
Think again of this survey data:
56.28% of children are extremely disgusted or hate their parents! It feels colder, doesn't it?
Recently, I saw a mother's story and would love to share it with you.
Shandelle, the mother of a 16-year-old boy, Yu Bell, has also been chilling lately.
She is a single mother, her son divorced her ex-husband when she was 4 years old, and her mother suffers from mental illness, she has to be a mother and earn money to support the family. The child has grown up hard, but he is becoming more and more estranged from her. I can't say a few words on weekdays, but if I just say two words, I have to quarrel.
What she did not expect was that every time the mother and son quarreled, the son's biggest wish was to "hope that his mother would die immediately", and then fantasized about his mother dying: lying in a coffin, with a calm face.
Moreover, the son has openly said to the teacher in class: "My mother is dead." ”
In his heart, his mother was completely cold. That's why the title of the film is "I Killed My Mom" (the director is the latest hottest director Javier Dolan).
Isn't that intimidating?
Don't be afraid, this is not a murder movie, but an adolescent communication movie. In the one-and-a-half-hour film, the mother and son are alive and well. And perhaps many parents, after reading it, also want to live well with their children who are in puberty again.
The reason why Amway is this movie is also because the scenes shown in it are so similar to our daily lives.
From the beginning to the end, there is no earth-shattering big thing, the quarrel between mother and son occurs in the dining room, living room, and on the way to school, and the reason for the quarrel is nothing more than two sentences to say that they can't deal with it.
Now children's puberty is much earlier than our time (9-12 years old has entered the pre-puberty period), and the sense of independence and privacy awareness is also formed relatively early.
It is said that "bystanders are clear", in the face of communication problems with children, it may be really difficult for us to find problems in them. It is better to watch this film, and also bring us young parents a preventive injection and do a strategy in advance:
● Why don't children want to talk to us anymore?
● How to let children communicate with us more during adolescence?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="48" > the conversation ends as soon as the command starts</h1>
Yu Bell, who has entered adolescence, looks at his mother more and more unpleasantly. He prides himself on being a tasteful young man, but his mother is rude and vulgar.
When eating, the corners of the mouth can always be stained with cream, really low!
Coat color fancy, really low!
Speak with an accent, really low!
Makeup while driving, really low!
Running a red light does not admit it, really low!
……
In fact, the growth of children and the aging of parents are like a game of power transfer. When children are young, parents are absolute authorities. When the child grows up, the parents get old, and the child becomes the person in power.
Adolescence, on the other hand, is the beginning of the game of power transition.
Children in this period are almost the same size as their parents, and although their ability to control emotions is almost the same, their autonomy has risen:
"I want to be free! I want to be my own host! ”
In the face of parents, their perspective is no longer looking up, but becoming a heads-up:
"It turns out that my parents are not superhuman, that is, just ordinary people."
They use a magnifying glass to magnify their parents' shortcomings and at the same time want to have their own voice.
Huber was already in the power game, but her mother didn't realize it.
On the way to drive her son to school, the two people quarreled over "which radio station is better", and the mother shouted to her son in anger: "Get down!" ”
Ming Ming made an appointment with his son and invited his classmates to play at home on Saturday. The mother temporarily repented, and even threatened her son with "no pocket money if you don't listen to me".
Without consulting with his son, he went through the transfer procedures privately.
Piles and pieces are common things for mothers, but which one mentions it makes Yu Bell grit his teeth in hatred.
On the night of the trip to the new school, Huber angrily said to his mother: "At the last minute of the last day of the 17-year-old, I will call you one last time!" ”
When you are 18 years old, you will not have any contact with your mother!
In this case, do you still want your son to take the initiative to communicate with himself?
dream!
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="48" > she rushed to class, and he just wanted to escape</h1>
Hearing her son say, "My mother is dead," Shang Dai'er was so angry that she lost her mind.
She slammed open the classroom door and shouted at her son, "Do I look like a dead man?" ”
Mom's exaggerated costumes, combined with her facial features distorted by anger, looked like a monster had stormed into class.
"Hahaha", the quiet class was suddenly full of laughter.
Although the teacher seriously stopped his classmates, Yu Bell knew that he had become a "clown" in everyone's heart. His proud self-esteem was being rubbed on the ground by his mother at the moment.
The mother wanted to talk to her son, but all he wanted to do was flee.
What could be more important than self-esteem for sensitive, fragile adolescent children? What could be more embarrassing than being ridiculed?
This escape made Shang Dai'er more certain that it was her son who refused to communicate with her. However, in the eyes of the son, it was the mother who did not give him the opportunity to communicate at all.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="48" > said so many times that you didn't hear it</h1>
He wanted to rent an apartment and talk to his mother, but her mother only watched TV dramas and played card games on her computer.
She said perfunctorily, "Well, that's a good idea." ”
Yu Bell did not expect that his mother would agree so cheerfully.
Mom didn't expect that Huber would take it seriously. The next day, he went to see the house.
That night, Huber asked his mother for money. At this time, my mother still cares most about "TV series".
Taking advantage of the advertising time, she said slowly: "Go out to rent a house, there is no door!" ”
This sentence is equivalent to pouring a basin of ice water on Bell's head.
It was only at this time that Huber discovered that her mother's promise yesterday was only perfunctory. She didn't listen to herself at all.
The water and fire were intolerable, and the two people had a big fight.
Now, do you understand why adolescent babies don't love to communicate with their parents?
It's not that adolescent children don't want to communicate with their parents, but rather
Don't want to communicate with parents who are too controlling, too egotistical, too busy,
Don't want to say what they think of as privacy,
I don't want to open my mouth when I don't want to.
Some people may say that since the baby does not like to talk, I will pay more attention to and supervise the child. Parents who say this are really overconfident. Such a big "ghostly" child, as long as he wants to hide some things, you are likely to never know. Moreover, psychologists in the United States have done some research and found that:
After the child voluntarily talks to the parents about his life, the role of indoctrination and guidance is far greater than the role of the parents in supervising the child.
So the question is, how to let the child take the initiative to speak?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="48" > for adolescent children to open their mouths, parents to put a long line</h1>
Carl E Pickhardt Ph.D., an American parenting psychologist, summed up several lessons, and I combined the book "The Way Good Parents Speak" to give the following suggestions:
❶ Take the initiative to approach him and appreciate and understand the child's interests
Imagine if your teenage idol was Andy Lau, and then your son said Andy Lau was old and ugly, what would you think? Don't rush to refute it, learn to take the initiative to appreciate, try to understand their interests, maybe you can use this as an entrance to open the child's box:
"I found this new band good, would you recommend me a few of their songs?"
"I've heard that this game has been quite popular lately, can you teach me how to play it?"
Take the initiative to approach your child instead of asking him to approach you.
❷ Don't avoid quarrels and conflicts, at least he is happy to talk to you
Don't be afraid to argue and quarrel, because this is also a way of communication, and it is better for us to discuss it together after the dispute.
Instead of:
"Don't argue with me!"
"What do you know? I'm your mother, can I still hurt you? ”
Communication is about understanding each other's ideas, not about getting each other to identify with themselves unconditionally. Quarrels are not necessarily a bad thing in adolescence, so don't shy away from it. (Of course, quarrels should still pay attention to proportions, and avoid using bad words to vent emotions and cause irreparable harm to the parent-child relationship.) ）
❸ Don't judge your child's friends
When you reject a child's peer, you not only reject their adolescence, but also cut ties with the child.
So when your child has an independent social circle, if you want to keep in touch with him, welcome his friends.
If you feel that you do have bad friends, you may wish to guide your child to observe and experience together, and he will make his own choices.
❹ Learn to fall in love with the distance between you and your child
Raising children is a process of gradual separation.
If you want to cultivate an independent and confident child, parents must first "wean", learn to appreciate the distance with their children, look at their children's growth with a bystander mentality, and clarify their boundaries with their children.
If we can have this mentality as a guide, we don't have to deliberately do or do nothing at all during our child's adolescence, and everything will become calm and natural.
To sum up: lower your posture and look at things from your child's perspective, while respecting your child's right to silence.
There is a saying called "put a long line to catch a big fish", if you want adolescent children to be willing to talk to their parents, parents also have to learn this trick. When the child is still young, he is still willing to believe in us unconditionally, and when he opens his mouth to ask questions and express themselves at any time, pay attention to his communication style and maintain the relationship with the child.
This is the key to solving the problem of adolescent children not communicating with their parents. I am most afraid that some parents will realize it later, and when the baby does not open her mouth, she will ask angrily: "Why don't you have anything to say to me?" ”