Recently, someone left a message asking: Mr. Chen Man, how to see a person clearly before marriage? How to determine whether the other party can enter into marriage with you?
Marriage is not like falling in love, as long as there are eyes, heartbeat, and passion to build a long or short relationship, marriage is a closer relationship than love, it is endowed with the attributes of a contract, involving economic finance, family responsibilities, personality adaptation These long-term elements, marriage is more cautious than love The reason why people are more cautious is that when the relationship is broken, how much price do two people have to bear to get out?
Some people say that marriage is a gamble, the bargaining chip is the person who marries you, and the odds are how well you know the other half, so before entering the marriage, you always want to understand each other through direct or indirect methods as much as possible, and hope to go on with the person in front of you in peace and happiness.
How do you see someone before marriage?
Start by pouring cold water:
The standard of being talked about about seeing a person clearly does not apply to everyone.
If you follow these standards, you may lead astray and fall into the trap that the other person deliberately does.
For example:
Some people say that depending on what kind of people his circle is, you can see his character;
Some people say that looking at the feelings of his parents can judge his attitude towards the other half;
Some people say that looking at his work can see whether he is self-motivated;
These standards may sound reasonable, but when you think about it, they are a bit unrealistic.
The first is that these standards can be extended too much, and it is difficult to sort them out;
The second is that everyone knows these standards, if a person sincerely wants to deceive you, he may give you a performance according to these standards!
If you are not a detective, how can you have so much skill and energy to test these standards?
Besides, how can you be sure that other people's standards must be suitable for testing your marriage partner?
A person with an uneven circle must be a person of bad character? What if it's just a work need;
If the original family is not good, must not have the ability to love others? What if because of this, he wants to work hard to create a good family;
The current job is average, so he must be an unmotivated person? What if this person is a potential stock?
So you might as well have no standards, jump out of the framework of "mass standards", throw this question to the other party, make the other party scratch their heads, and maybe you can see something.
At first glance, it may sound like we have the right to judge, but in fact we are relatively passive. As long as the other party refuses to show it, as long as he deliberately deceives, what you test with standards may be fake.
So it's better to think differently, from passively examining certain aspects of a person with specific criteria, to observing how much self the other person is willing to actively disclose without a standard?
Social osmosis theory holds that "self-disclosure" plays an important role in the process of the relationship between individuals from superficial to intimacy.
At first, "self-disclosure" only played a role in breaking the strange;
When relationships are confirmed, there is less exchange of underlying information;
For the relationship to be further deepened, it depends on whether the other party is willing to transform the self-disclosure of equal "exchange" into self-disclosure of active "infiltration".
Following this logic, you will find that the standard of seeing a person in a way is only superficial to the extent of exchanging basic information.
For example, a person's hobbies, work situation, treatment of people, social circle, family situation...... You know these things, and it doesn't prove that you can see the person clearly, nor does it say that you are close enough to enter into a marriage.
This information is more like a match of objective resources, and in the future married life, it may make you less conflicted in life, but it cannot reduce your emotional conflicts.
And when the other party's self-disclosure is not only to exchange information with you, but to actively "infiltrate" his information to you, then you have the opportunity to really understand the other party, and only then can it be said that the other party is still honest with you.
Because a person takes the initiative to accept your "infiltration" in self-disclosure, at least it shows that the other party is willing to sacrifice more privacy for this relationship.
This means that he puts himself in the role of "being seen", even if he deliberately exposes his self-interest, but he inevitably bears the risk of exposing his "true self" that is not good for himself.
The other party accepts your "infiltration", which means letting down the guard against you, so in the process of the other party's continuous self-disclosure, you must put aside the "recognition standard" of everyone else, and open the other party from the outside to the inside, from shallow to deep, from single to diverse.
01 The 4 places of "recognizing your partner" are not just waiting to see
American psychologists Joseph and Harry proposed a cognitive model of a person's different degrees of self-disclosure, Joharry's window, which divides a person's perception of himself and the degree of self-disclosure to others into a public area, a private area, a blind area, and an unknown area.
01 Public Zone
The open zone is known to oneself and to others.
For example, a person's work, family, interests, relationships, and this information is public, usually the more positive side of the person, and it is the social business card that the other party wants to show.
For example, some people talk to you about hobbies, take you to meet their friends and family, and post moments for you, which makes you feel publicly recognized and mistakenly think that the other person is very honest with you.
But in fact he is only superficially self-disclosing because these things are things that he can do for you and for others.
02 Privacy Zone
The privacy zone is information that he knows, but you don't know.
This kind of information is usually some little secret of the other person, such as his quirks, past emotional experiences, unfavorable negative information, and so on.
Many partners here tend to encounter a more typical problem, that is, whether to look at each other's mobile phones.
In fact, looking at the phone is just a painless way to verify the loyalty of the other party, and if a person wants to hide it from you, the phone can also be disguised.
If he really has any problems, this will make the other party more vigilant and guard against you, and if he really doesn't do anything unseemly, your distrust will burn the other person's heart.
The ratio of private and public areas has a profound impact on your intimacy.
Generally speaking, the smaller the privacy zone and the more public areas, the deeper your relationship will be. However, excessive intrusion into the other person's private space and the purpose of fully understanding the other person may end up being counterproductive.
In an intimate relationship, to infiltrate each other's world, you should do the hedgehog rule, you can't hurt each other because you're too close, and you can't be close because you're too far away.
In the matter of checking his phone, your purpose is not to see his phone, but to see what his attitude is towards you infiltrating his private area? How did he make you feel safe when you brought up your distrust of him?
In the final analysis, checking the mobile phone is too strong for a person's sense of uncertainty about the privacy area of another person, ostensibly checking the mobile phone, but inwardly is the suspicion of the current person and the anxiety of the relationship.
If you want to look at his phone, it may be that this person lacks trust and security in some aspects, such as not wanting to share with you, rarely letting you participate in his hobbies, rarely paying attention to your feelings, etc.
At this time, you might as well express your demands directly with him and see if the other party is willing to take the initiative to bring your privacy area closer.
03 Blind Zone
The blind zone is where you know and the other person doesn't know it.
If a person's blind zone is too large, it is likely to indicate that the person lacks self-awareness and reflection.
For example, some people don't understand romance, don't know how to deal with their partner's emotions, like clingy, insecure, machismo, etc., these unconscious behaviors are easy to hurt people in intimate relationships.
But as partners, we can't completely give up on each other at the beginning, and we are only responsible for recognizing each other, without helping each other to recognize ourselves.
You should give the other party more "run-in opportunities", because since the other party is willing to show his unaware and unfavorable side in front of you, it shows that he has taken off some guards in this relationship, and you are no longer a stranger who only knows his public information, and he is willing to reveal his true self to you.
For example, the other party is an insecure person, perhaps because he has less sense of certainty and identity in his original family and past relationships. Then you show him your firm choice, communicate with him more actively, let him not suffer from gains and losses, he understands himself, faces the problem, can alleviate some contradictions between you, and in the long run it will be beneficial to your relationship.
04 Unknown Zone
The unknown zone is the part that you don't know and that he doesn't know about.
This part is the most unpredictable place, and some relationships often seem to be unable to see the "road" when they come here, and the intimate relationship comes to an abrupt end.
There are even some couples who complain about the inconsistency between the other party and the pre-marriage after marriage, divorce on impulse, and then marry a new person, and start to repeat the same divorce.
Uncertainty is an unavoidable, ever-changing minefield in relationships, and it can be a sense of conflict or a sense of novelty.
In an intimate relationship, seeing a person clearly is not a one-time thing, but a process that needs to be constantly explored.
In this process, you and your partner should interact in a two-way way, and you should be a participant rather than an observer.
You need to get to know each other, give feedback, and work together for the relationship, so that you can continue to increase each other's open areas, get infinitely closer to the real person, explore the new person, and better grasp the uncertain ups and downs of the future.
02 Accept each other dynamically and truthfully, and become grasshoppers on a rope
At this point, you may have to ask, can you recognize a person by understanding the other party's public area, privacy area, blind area, and unknown area? Wouldn't it be a problem to get married to him?
That's a pity to tell you, unlikely.
Because people will change with the environment, which means that even if the general direction of the person's public area, private area, blind area, and unknown area remains the same, there will be slight changes, and you can't see a person's clearly at one time, and change is inevitable.
That's right, "real" will also change with real situations, life experiences, physical fitness, and so on.
The reason why the so-called time has passed and things are people is not embarrassing is not that the "real" we experienced before is fake, but that it is no longer "the reality of the present".
The love, hatred, and hatred in intimate relationships are often full of this kind of passage of time, and things are wrong with people.
You think you know him very well and have already seen him clearly, so in the long marriage, you start to put your heart in your belly and start to be busy doing other things that are more beneficial to your family, your children, and your future.
In the end, I suddenly found that I had been stabbed in the back by my closest lover, so I began to doubt myself - did I not see the nature of this person before marriage?
Sometimes, the problem is that you have never come close, and he has never had enough sincerity to reveal himself;
Sometimes, however, the problem is that you were once close to each other, but with the change of family structure, the increase of individual roles, and the change of circumstances, you have reduced your willingness to expose yourself to each other, so your understanding of TA is no longer based on the present, but on the memories of the past.
Therefore, accepting the real mutual is not a one-shot deal, seeing and accepting it is over, or we need to focus on each other's current feelings and needs, and maintain a current frequency and connection.
So how to maintain a relationship that is gradually understood, deepened, and stable in the midst of such fluctuating cognitive changes?
You need to change your purpose to recognize a person, remove your filters, expectations, and needs for him, and change your desire to confirm that he is a suitable person for marriage to confirm that he is a person who has good and bad qualities, and whether he is willing to accept each other's strengths and weaknesses with you, and become better together.
Rogers, an American humanistic psychologist, said that love is a deep understanding and acceptance, which is the foundation of a stable and unique relationship.
Everyone is concrete, real, and dynamic, if you can't understand each other with a dialectical attitude, only stand in the personal perspective of the moment to measure, and meticulously accuse the other party of how to become sulking, unromantic, and have no desire to share, then you will always stay in the static filter of the past, and finally put the cart before the horse, win the past, but lose the future.
We are not destined to have a perfect partner around you who don't need to work hard to manage the relationship, sometimes entangled in the other party's changes, it's better to think about why, can we get better together?
The other party loves to sulk, perhaps because the emotions of both parties hinder communication;
The other party is not romantic, perhaps because the pressure of work dilutes the sense of ritual in life;
The other person has no desire to share, perhaps because they often don't get positive feedback from you;
When you start to put yourself in the other person's shoes, you will be different for him.
Your relationship from mutual disclosure, mutual quarrels, mutual understanding, and finally mutual change, which is interlocking tacit understanding is the soft love and deep memory in your heart, this process is difficult for others to replace and participate in the whole emotional process.
In psychology, intimate relationships typically go through three stages:
The first stage
1+1=1, two people are in the stage of passionate fantasy, and because of the instantaneous love agreement, they mistakenly think that the other party is very close to themselves.
The second stage
1+1=0, two people are in the stage of disillusionment projection, their illusions about each other are broken by the real other party, and they are miserable because they don't understand, don't match, and don't change.
The third stage
1+1=2, two people are in the stage of mutual respect and acceptance, you are you, I am me, and you can also work together to achieve a better other person.
Therefore, before marriage, "seeing each other clearly" should be a dynamic development of cognition, when two people are accepting each other's true appearance, and then dealing with troubles, the more you have a common experience, the more honest you are in each other's hearts, the more information will be exchanged, the more interests are intertwined, and hurting each other will hurt yourself.
The only certainty of life is an uncertain life, we can never fully see a person, we can only reveal each other in mutual exploration, and constantly approach the real mutual that outsiders cannot touch and irreplace.
When your shared experience allows you to stand side by side as grasshoppers on a rope, who can bear to give up on the other side because of the uncertainty of the future?
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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