Recently, I saw a video that was very disturbing.
When the master of the Boston Orchestra instructed a Chinese girl to play the violin, he found that the girl was very talented in music, but she always looked serious and did not smile.
When the practice was over, the master pulled the little girl to her mother's side, and such a conversation took place.
"Mother, I noticed that you were anxious. Do you think your daughter is pretty? ”
"My husband thinks she's beautiful."
"What about you? What do you think? ”
"I don't think so."
"And do you think she did well today?"
"I don't think so."
The master expressed his advice with emotion, hoping that the mother could relax and give the girl more encouragement.
He even told some jokes to liven up the atmosphere, and everyone in the room laughed, including the mother.
Only the little girl stood still, trembling, still without a smile.
Netizens saw this scene and commented sharply: "After going home, the mother will blame her daughter for not being able to laugh and make her unable to get off the stage." ”
It is as if the child has become a marionette of the mother, and the joys, sorrows and sorrows must be done according to the mother's wishes.
What will become of such a child when he grows up?
Once the vitality is suppressed
Life is like a "trapped beast"
Friend W lived in such an environment when he was a child.
Now she is always submissive to others, and she feels that no one will listen to what she says, and no one cares;
Even if you say it, your thoughts will not be taken seriously.
Because of this, in the workplace, she never dared to strive for anything for herself.
Some time ago, her immediate supervisor left and the position of department head became vacant.
With her qualifications, she could have applied for this position, but she did not propose it herself, but waited for the leader's arrangement.
But who knows, the leader hired a "parachute" with no experience and qualifications as good as W to replace the position of department head.
This "airborne" likes to find trouble with W, and he is "guiding" her in the name of "guiding".
W was unconvinced and wanted to express his displeasure, but when the words came to his mouth, he couldn't say it again.
She wondered if she really had a problem, so the leader would rather hire her than promote herself?
She wasn't sure if her upset was really justified, or if she was overly sensitive and suspicious?
She is afraid that after expressing dissatisfaction, she may have a direct conflict with the other party, so what will other leaders and colleagues think of her?
Similar situations of compromise, self-repression, doubt, overthinking, and conflict avoidance are reflected in all aspects of W's life.
had a conflict with her husband, obviously it was her husband's fault, but W couldn't help but bow his head and apologize first.
obviously wanted to correct the child's bad behavior, but as soon as the child lost his temper at her, she passed the matter sloppily.
"I really feel like a very failed person, anyone can bully me and hurt me since I was a child."
"When I was a child, my parents used me as a punching bag, and as long as they quarreled, they would take turns scolding me and losing their temper at me."
"If you don't meet their standards, you will be beaten up; met their standards, but when they were in a bad mood, they were also beaten up. ”
"You don't know what's going to happen in the next second.
It seems that no matter what preparation you make, someone may suddenly attack you at any time......"
As a result, she spent all her energy on detecting and defending against possible crises around her, and she didn't have the extra energy to think about herself.
On the other hand, W's parents, after so many years of noisy and noisy, are now living a very nourishing life, and the circle of friends is full of beautiful photos of the two of them traveling everywhere to check in.
W laughed at himself: "Why do I live like a trapped beast, but they live so chicly." ”
Behind the fact that such parents live a chic life without internal friction, perhaps because they have long transferred their internal friction to their children.
In other words, such parents have "borrowed" their children.
How do parents "borrow" from their children?
Parents are often unaware of this, but they earnestly and unconsciously use these three ways to "borrow" from their children.
The first is to treat children as works that show their "authority" and "excellence".
Such parents often use the reason of "providing the best conditions" for their children and "not letting their children lose at the starting line";
Supervise your child's hard work and attend various cram classes so that your child can "get his hands dirty".
And in this process, the children's needs and true thoughts in their hearts are blocked by them.
The second is to transfer one's anxiety, dissatisfaction, and anger about life to one's children, and use the child's energy to supply oneself.
is like Yu Yang in the TV series "Minglong Boy".
Because of an unhappy marriage, Yu Yang's mother poured all her love and expectations into Yu Yang.
She controls the details of Yu Yang's life meticulously, and Yu Yang's daily food and clothing must be handled and arranged by her.
She asked her son that every few minutes he had to reply to her messages.
In front of her dormitory colleagues, she stripped her teenage son naked and wiped his body, completely ignoring his shame.
She would lose control of her emotions because Yu Yang put a lock on the door, and she would break down and cry until she violently broke the lock on the door with a knife.
For the mother, she did all this for her son, hoping that his son could study well and grow up well.
When she "pays" for her son, she becomes energetic and energetic, and everyone can feel her powerful energy and passion when they see her.
Her son, on the other hand, lives the exact opposite: taciturn, fearful, cowardly and incompetent.
Because the mother relies on "absorbing" the vitality of the child to fill her pain and helplessness about the failure of the marriage, so as to live her own spiritual liberation.
In life, we have seen similar scenes.
While instructing their children in their homework, parents complain to their children:
"I've spent all my thoughts on you, why can't you give me a fight?"
"For you, I work hard and work hard every day, you have to know gratitude, you have to know that you feel sorry for your parents."
"It's because of you that I'm what I am now."
Parents spit and poured all the unhappiness they suffered at work and life on their children, and the more they talked, the more excited they became, and the more they spoke, the more upright they became;
The child's head was buried lower and lower, and the expression on his face became more and more stiff.
Perhaps, these parents really feel that their efforts are all for their children.
However, these expressions of emotions still hurt the child's inside, warning the child over and over again:
"I've had such a hard time because of you; My misfortune is all because of you. ”
The third way to borrow luck is to gain some sense of superiority by suppressing and belittling children.
American talk show star Liang Jiaoying had a conversation with her mother in a show.
When she tried to express her confidence to her mother: "Mom, did you know that in the United States, dark skin is also beautiful. ”
Mom looked at her in surprise and said, "Are you all beautiful?" ”
Seeing her daughter nodding, the mother leaned back as if she heard some joke, and shook her head again, indicating that she did not approve of her daughter's words.
When the daughter continued to ask, "Mom, why don't you believe that I am a beauty?" ”
Mom laughed and said, "Because you've been a little black girl since you were a child, a clown girl, and a pig's mouth!" ”
When she said these words, my mother smiled happily, very sunny and energetic.
But in fact, my mother is not a beauty in the secular sense, but she seems very confident because of this.
Liang Jiaoying endured her sadness, and the loss in her eyes couldn't be hidden.
Perhaps, she has to struggle with her mother's disapproval all her life, and she wants to find the answer of "I am very good" and "I am also beautiful" from the outside world all her life.
Children who are borrowed by their parents will want to find their energetic self all their lives.
So, if people reach middle age, can we still get rid of the trouble of being "borrowed"?
Of course.
When people reach middle age, how to change their luck?
Before discussing ways to change your luck, I hope that you can embrace yourself gently before the article.
Give yourself a space for understanding and acceptance.
Each person's inner world is unique and full of complex emotions and experiences.
For change to happen, we need to start with self-discovery.
It's not just a reminiscence of the past, it's a deep understanding of the current emotional state.
You can prepare a small box, write down all the anxiety and internal friction you have experienced on a small piece of paper and put it in the box.
For example: "Obviously I am also very good, why should I be so angry", "Why do I have to apologize, I also want to be unconditionally pampered!" ”
Whenever you feel upset or depressed, open the box, read these notes, and let them be an outlet for your emotional release.
Acknowledge your feelings and answer to the language on the note:
"Yes, it's not a problem for you to think that way", "Your feelings are also important. ”
Second, think correct the inner critics.
Countless times of parental repression and disapproval have shaped a critic within us.
It constantly tells us that we are not good enough and unworthy of love.
To get rid of the influence of this inner critic, we need to learn to recognize and challenge these negative self-talks.
For example, when we find ourselves thinking, "I can't do it," we can replace it with "I can try" or "I have the ability to learn."
In this way, we can gradually build a more positive and realistic self-perception.
In addition, although it is difficult, we can still try to replace perspective and be grateful, and connect with parents in other ways.
Parental venting and disapproval can plant the seeds of "resentment" in our hearts.
When I was a child, I didn't dare to express it to my parents, and this resentment was directed towards me.
We become self-loathing, self-attacking, self-denying.
The inner emotion, on the other hand, is still an attack on our parents, and this attack can affect our relationship with our parents, as well as our relationships with other people.
To change this, we can try to look at parents from a different perspective, recognizing that they are also human beings and have their own limitations and challenges.
You might as well make an emotional puzzle with your own hands, using pictures from magazines, old books, or the Internet;
Make a collage that reflects your relationship with your parents and try to put on it those happy images other than pain.
This process can help you see your relationship in a new way.
Finally, please maintain a proactive mindset and use learning to grow yourself.
You can participate in the inner clarification technique of DELPH Space's "3 Days|Brave to Be Yourself Experience Camp" - use a variety of self-questions to constantly confirm what you really want and emotional needs in your heart.
Only when you know yourself better can you take better action to achieve your aspirations and goals.
Alternatively, you can also make a vision board with your dreams, goals, and aspirations.
This board can be placed where you can see it every day and keep you energized.
Whatever your situation, Beloved, remember that you have the power to change everything.
Don't be afraid to explore, to feel, to challenge, to grow.
Every attempt, regardless of the outcome, is an important step towards self-discovery and self-realization.
May your spiritual journey be filled with love and hope, and may your every step be firm and calm.
*This article was created by Kewen, if you need to reprint, please contact for authorization.
Planning丨Bear
Editor丨Li Xiaodou