There are families with old people helping with babies, and the father is easy to be invisible, these 4 things, the elderly had better not help

Mozai's mother is raising children

2024-04-29 13:54Posted in Shaanxi Parenting Creator

My son's kindergarten is going to hold a parent-child sports meeting, requiring each family to send a parent to accompany the participation, before because of the mask, the primary and middle class sports meeting has been shelved, and now it is close to the kindergarten graduation, and finally held the only sports meeting in three years.

With such an important sports meeting, children naturally hope that their parents will participate.

It is estimated that most parents will also find a way to take time off and change shifts to participate in person, and no matter what, there will definitely be someone between mom and dad present.

However, the friend made a big fuss because of this.

Her leader didn't approve her leave, and her grandparents were going to travel, so she thought about asking her father to take a leave of absence to participate.

But this idea was rejected by the grandparents, who felt that their son would definitely not be able to take leave, so they asked the neighbor's aunt to go to the sports meeting instead of the child's father.

This arrangement angered her friend, and she asked the child's grandfather: Does the baby have no father?

After some struggle, in the end, the child's father took leave to participate in the sports meeting.

On the day of the sports meeting, I observed that almost all of the people present were parents, there were very few elderly people, and some parents also signed up for volunteers and photographers, so that they could fight for 2 places.

I understand my friend's anger very much, the responsibility that should be borne by the child's father, but the grandparents let a neighbor who has nothing to do with it.

The more the old man does, the easier it is for Dad to become invisible

In families where the elderly help with the baby, there will almost always be a phenomenon: the old man replaces his son as the father.

Mothers and the elderly are the main bearers of a series of family responsibilities such as taking care of children's food, drinking, daily education, tutoring homework, picking up and dropping off from school, interest classes, and housework.

Many fathers only need to do 2 things: get up on time to go to work and come home from work to rest.

In fact, it is very hard for the elderly to bring a baby, both money and effort, all out of love for the younger generation, even if they are retired, they must do their best to support another small family.

What can be done, the elderly will reach out and do it, just to reduce the burden on the small family.

But doing more is not necessarily a good thing, especially some things that originally belong to the child's father, and the old man tries not to do it for him.

On the one hand, this will cause dissatisfaction among the child's mother, and seeing that the husband who should be fighting side by side with him is a giant baby who needs to be carefully cared for, he will inevitably despair about the marriage.

On the other hand, it will also hinder the growth of the child's father and fail to smoothly integrate into the small family model of "father-mother-child".

There are many mothers around me who complain about fraudulent parenting and widowed parenting.

In the book "The Absence of Father's Love", there is a concept called "invisible dad", which is typically manifested as:

He is not involved in the child's rearing and often does not even go home

When I get home, I only care about playing by myself, and I don't take care of the children and don't take care of the housework

If there is an elderly foil, this performance may be more prominent, because the child's father knows that it doesn't matter if he doesn't do it, and the parents will go up to it.

Over time, the child's father will be free from the small family with peace of mind and become the "invisible father" in the perfect family.

In these 4 things, the old man does not replace the son

Men can only understand the responsibilities of husbands and fathers in the process of being hands-on.

Especially in the following important periods, the old man must not overstep his responsibilities and completely replace his son in exercising his obligations.

1. During pregnancy, childbirth and confinement

I had a caesarean section, and the next morning after giving birth, my mother came to the hospital to see me, and I happened to meet my husband leaving from the ward to go to work, and my mother asked me: He slept with you last night?

After hearing what my mother said, I immediately exploded!

I yelled angrily: He is tired from work, I am not tired after giving birth, and taking care of the mother and baby is his responsibility!

It's not surprising that my mom said this, because women of her generation are accustomed to the idea that men only need to earn money, and they live to serve it.

When a woman is pregnant and gives birth to a baby and then takes care of the baby, it is the responsibility of the woman alone by default.

Some elderly people dot on their sons, thinking that their sons are too tired to take care of mothers, take care of babies, and have to go to work, so they do all the work for their sons.

Some elderly people feel that their sons are clumsy and have no ability to take care of babies and mothers, so they simply deprive their sons of learning opportunities to practice being a father.

The wife's pregnancy and childbirth, confinement, and taking care of the baby are the first hurdles for the growth of a small family.

The father of the child has paternity leave, rest days, and statutory holidays, all of which can be used to fulfill the responsibility of taking care of the mother and the baby.

At this time, the wisest thing for the elderly to do is to hand over the children to the couple and go home to rest and relax.

As long as the old man is not there, the child's father has nothing to rely on, and he will naturally take action.

Mom can also sit back and call Dad, instead of telling Dad to do something, the old man immediately stands up and grabs the job.

2. Special stages such as frequent night awakening and night milk for the baby

The thing I regret the most now is that I didn't let my husband get up in the middle of the night to put my son to sleep and wake up frequently, not once.

So much so that he still doesn't understand why I always say that I can't sleep well, and he doesn't know that I haven't slept a whole night in three years.

Because I haven't experienced the torment of frequent night awakenings, I can't empathize with me who is irritable due to long-term sleep deprivation.

If I could turn back the clock, I would definitely throw my son to him on Friday and Saturday nights.

Let him feel the pain of waking up once an hour and shaking and walking in the dark with his eyes wide open and not sleeping.

In real life, fathers who feed their babies at night and sleep in the middle of the night must be rare.

But if the father can take the initiative to take care of the baby in the middle of the night, the mother's mood will be very stable, and the relationship between the mother and the father will be more intimate.

Because it is not easy for Dad to see Mom, Mom will also thank Dad for his sharing.

The old man must not get up in the middle of the night on the grounds that the child's father has to go to work the next day, this hardship, the child's father must eat.

If you can't do it on weeknights, get up and do it on nights off.

It is certainly unrealistic to let working fathers bear all of it, but it is still very necessary to get up in the middle of the night to put to sleep, feed night milk, and change diapers on days when they can afford it.

3. When the child is sick and runs to the hospital in the middle of the night

My son had acute laryngitis before, and at one o'clock in the middle of the night, my husband and I took him to the hospital to hang up the emergency infusion, and we tossed until more than 4 o'clock in the morning before returning home, and waited until more than 10 o'clock in the evening, and then continued to go to the hospital for infusion.

When my grandmother found out, she asked me to take the child to the hospital and let my husband sleep at home, she was worried that my husband would drive fatigue at work the next day and have an accident while driving.

I resolutely rejected her proposal, saying: In the hospital hall, parents stay up late with their children to see a doctor, don't these fathers have to go to work the next day? If you can't drive a car, you won't drive, either ask for leave, or work from home, or take a taxi to the company, in short, there are various ways to solve the difficulty of staying up late.

Isn't it a joke that my son stays up late in the hospital for an infusion, and my father sleeps peacefully at home?

At this time, the elderly should figure out the boundaries and understand that the parents are the first guardians of the children, and that the parents should be allowed to rush to the front line when the children encounter difficulties and illnesses.

Only in these things can we train a strong father who has a sense of responsibility and can carry things.

Once a man gets married and has children, his identity should shift from a son to a husband and father, and grandparents should no longer take care of him as a son who has not grown up.

4. Important activities such as children's parent-teacher meetings and sports meetings

There is a pair of grandparents in our community who are very measured, they live with their sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren, and their sons and daughters-in-law go to work during the day, and they are responsible for taking care of the baby.

After school in the afternoon, as long as the son and daughter-in-law come back early, the child will be handed over, and they will not interfere again.

When it comes to important activities such as parent-teacher meetings and sports meetings, the son and daughter-in-law will take turns to take leave to participate, and the grandparents never say that they will replace him because they are afraid of delaying their son's work.

Instead, they thought their son had to be personally involved in these things.

Of course, there are indeed many parents whose work is special and cannot attend these important events, and it is understandable that the elderly will do it instead.

Parent-teacher meetings are held once a year and a half, and it is not difficult for parents to ask for leave, as long as parents pay enough attention to this matter, they will overcome difficulties to participate.

The elderly should not always think about making it convenient for the child's father, in the matter of raising a child, any parent needs to pay energy and physical strength, and it is impossible to sit and wait for the fruit to be picked.

Of course, Dad's responsibilities are not only these, but also many trivial things such as tutoring homework, attending interest classes, socializing, going out to play, reading, etc.

In everything, Dad should be like Mom, squeeze out time, cheer up, and do as much as he can.

As an old man who helps the young couple, he does less for his son.

In the book "There Are Young Children in the Family", it is said that intergenerational parenting needs to establish a basic principle:

The role of the elderly is to be a helper, and the helper must have a helper attitude, the boundary should be clear, do not interfere with the father to take the child, and do not let the father leave the child's life.

Because children need the role of father.

Once the elderly can grasp this principle, the small family of parents, mothers and children will run completely and smoothly.

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