When I understand the underlying logic of tutoring homework, I don't get angry anymore when I accompany homework

Boy Pie

2024-04-29 09:12Posted in Anhui parenting field creators

If you don't do your homework, your mother is kind and filial to your son, and when you write your homework, the chicken flies and the dog jumps.

Only when parents master the underlying logic of tutoring homework can children gradually develop the habit of doing homework independently and learn to be responsible for their own learning.

Author | Coke Mom

How annoying can tutoring homework be?

Last Friday was my birthday, and I never expected that the way I celebrated my 38th birthday was to go to the hospital for a heart checkup.

Here's the thing:

The night before, I was tutoring my son in the fourth grade of elementary school with his homework as usual.

Among them, there is a small practice pen assigned by the teacher.

And my son's language has always been difficult, especially in composition, every time he snorts, scratches his ears and scratches his cheeks, and in the end, he will only write some retro plots such as "I went to the hospital when my mother was sick in the rain".

This time it was the same.

I saw him sitting at the desk, with a serious expression, a slight frown, and words in his mouth.

You think he's reviewing the question?

Oh, that's a big mistake.

He was counting the grids, counting how many lines he had to write in total to fill the 400 words required by the teacher.

After another hour or so, just as I was about to get angry, my son threw the composition and held out his hand to me, saying:

"I'm finally done, so now you can let me watch the animation on my tablet, right?"

However, when I looked at it, there were seven or eight typos in the first paragraph alone, and then I looked at his ghostly handwriting, and at this moment I couldn't bear it anymore, and yelled at my son at the top of my voice:

"Rewrite! Rewrite! Erase it all for me, rewrite!"

As a result, that night, I felt a bout of angina.

The next day, I resolutely covered my heart and hurriedly went to the hospital to register.

Sure enough, the collapse of this class of adults all started with accompanying children to do their homework.

Fortunately, the results of the examination were not a major deal.

After coming out of the hospital, I complained to my girlfriend weakly:

"It's either high blood pressure or pharyngitis, or myocardial infarction, where is the practice question of this counseling, it is simply the proposition of the old mother!"

After listening to this, my girlfriend bluntly said that I didn't understand the underlying logic of tutoring homework, and recommended me to watch the video of Tsinghua student Deng Zixian.

Deng Zixian said frankly in the video: "If my mother doesn't accompany me to do my homework, I will definitely not be able to pass Tsinghua University, let alone Tsinghua University, maybe I can't get into our local key high school." ”

Through his narration, I learned that Deng Zixian's mother is also a teacher.

Although the time spent with the child is limited, he is very good at grasping the main points.

So far, Deng Zixian has been deeply impressed by these two things:

The first thing happened in his second or third grade of primary school, when Deng Zixian's handwriting was not good, and his homework was confused and scribbled.

Once, he finished his homework and was about to go out to play football.

As a result, his mother saw that his homework was so poor, so angry that she tore up the homework book on the spot and asked him to finish writing before he could go out.

In order to go out and play quickly, this time, Deng Zixian wrote even worse than the first time.

But Mom didn't say anything, but kept her promise and let him go out and play football.

When Deng Zixian came back, his mother found three words from the pile of shredded homework and said, "These three words are well written, can you all follow this standard?"

Deng Zixian didn't do it, so his mother drew another square for him and asked him to write carefully within this range.

Seeing that his mother handed him the steps continuously, Deng Zixian was embarrassed to say anything, so he agreed.

Later, it was precisely because of his mother's step-by-step guidance that Deng Zixian gradually developed a good habit of answering questions seriously.

The second thing is that his mother checks his homework.

Unlike other parents, his mother will not directly tell him what is wrong and need to be corrected, but will tell him that there are a few mistakes in today's homework and ask him to find out on his own.

If you can't find it, your mother will give you some hints, such as, "It's a mistake in the calculation."

So Deng Zixian was able to further narrow down the scope and find out his mistakes.

In this way, doing homework does not seem like a task for Deng Zixian, and many times, it is more like a colorful game.

If today's assignment is mistaken in two places, there will be a reward, for example, the rest of the time can be used freely.

Therefore, Deng Zixian is also more and more internally motivated to learn.

Later, Mr. Deng Zixian himself devoted himself to education, and only then did he discover his mother's cleverness.

It turns out that in the mother's view, the key to accompanying homework is not right or wrong, but the child's feelings about learning.

If you use yelling and abuse to force your child to do homework, your child will not only be inefficient, but also rebellious, and more importantly, you will become more and more disgusted with learning.

A survey found that there is a very clear concentration of students in Qingbei high schools where they come from.

But the concentration of these students in junior high school is not so obvious, and as for their primary school, there is no pattern. Among them, many people were born in unknown rural primary schools.

In this regard, Zhihu replied @老钱 wrote:

"The impact of primary school grades on the future is not as great as imagined, and what really affects children's future is the feeling that learning brings to them.

Poor grades in primary school are not enough to determine their future fate.

However, if poor grades bring them too many negative feelings, causing them to get tired or even hate studying, the impact on their future will be very huge.

In primary school, the most important thing is not the test scores, but the learning experience. ”

Therefore, in Lao Qian's view, the more children with poor grades, the more we must care about their psychological feelings.

Seeing this, I realized that many times, my son is not really stupid and not serious, but I often criticize and hit him, making him feel worse and worse about learning and more and more resistant to learning.

Psychologist Skinner's "reinforcement theory" tells us:

Stimuli with a reinforcing effect can cause learning behaviors in animals, and the same is true for humans.

When a child learns, when a certain correct behavior is affirmed and amplified, the correct behavior will be reinforced, and finally help the child develop good learning habits;

In the same way, if a person is always blamed and reprimanded, he will develop negative and helpless emotions, which will lead to rejection or even disgust of learning.

Professor Kong Ping, director of the Family Education Research Center of Shandong Normal University, once emphasized that children must affirm their children more when they write their homework and avoid denying them.

She mentions a case where:

There is a mother whose child has started to read and write in the first grade of elementary school.

So, every time a guest came to the house, she would take the child's homework and say to the guest: "Look at my child's homework when he goes to school, you see how good he writes!"

In fact, the child's homework was sloppy, but the guest could only say "good" and "very good" for the sake of face.

The child was doing his homework in his room, and when he heard his mother praise him for his good writing, he secretly made up his mind that next time he would write better than yesterday.

In this way, the child's homework is getting better and better, and his academic performance is getting better and better.

In fact, compared with academic performance, children are more concerned about the acceptance and recognition of parents, as long as the child is physically and mentally healthy, does not resist learning, there will be a chance to counterattack.

After understanding the underlying principles of tutoring homework, how do we do it?

After consulting a lot of information, I summarized the correct posture of tutoring children to write homework into the following three points, which are "one look", "two chats", and "three checks".

One look: see the child's plight and empathize

Behind the child's grinding and procrastination in writing homework, it is likely that he is anxious and helpless, and he does not know how to write, so he can only grind foreign work.

As parents, we blame and scold our children, which not only does not solve the problem, but also makes our children hate learning even more.

Therefore, the first thing we need to do is to see the difficulties and shortcomings of our children and empathize with them.

The way to empathize is also very simple, we can recall our student days, whether there are any special subjects that are holding back.

In this way, it will be found that many times it is not that children do not want to learn, but that they are at this stage with limited cognitive ability and understanding, so they cannot learn well.

In the past, when I talked to my son about studying, he would lose his temper.

Until one time, I talked to my son about how I was punished by the teacher for failing to write English texts in junior high school.

Unexpectedly, after listening to it, my son took the initiative to share with me a few tips for him to memorize, and I also took the opportunity to explain to him some "little routines" for writing essays.

This is also the first time that I have talked to my son about learning, and I can also be "mother and son filial piety".

Second chat: Help children plan and cheer up their children through chatting

Psychologist Tian Hongjie shared a case:

There was a child in the fourth grade who came home from school at 5 o'clock every day and started to write his homework, but every time he had to write until 12 o'clock in the evening, and sometimes until the early hours of the morning, the whole family was miserable.

Later, Tian Hongjie discovered:

One of the main reasons why children are struggling to write homework and find it difficult to get into the state is that there is too much homework and too much pressure on children.

When he is faced with a large number of tasks that need to be completed, he is always anxious, which seriously occupies the cognitive resources of the brain, so that he cannot concentrate when doing problems.

In fact, this is true for many children when they are faced with a lot of homework.

So, what we need to do is not to yell at our children as soon as they come home and urge them to do their homework.

Instead, you can chat with them and ask them, "How many assignments are there in each subject today?", "What assignments are more difficult and what are easier?", "How long does it take to complete each assignment?"

Don't underestimate these questions, these questions can effectively help children plan their time and complete the messy tasks according to their difficulty and amount of work.

After I persisted doing this for a while, the time my son spent doing his homework was greatly reduced.

Even the neighbors said that they hadn't heard me yelling at the children in the middle of the night recently.

Three checks: guide children to find mistakes by themselves and develop good study habits through spot checks

When accompanying children to write homework, we must first make one thing clear: homework is ultimately the child's own business.

As parents, we can't directly take over the responsibilities that belong to the children, instead of the children "thinking", "checking", etc., the purpose of our accompaniment is actually to urge the children to develop good learning habits and guide the children to learn to think.

Therefore, we might as well learn from Deng Zixian's mother's practice:

Give the child back the initiative of the homework, and check the child's completion by random inspection.

When children are found to have mistakes in their homework, parents should not directly tell them which one to do and give the answer as soon as possible, but should guide the child to find the problem and correct the problem by himself.

Only when children have experienced the process of independent thinking and overcoming difficult problems will their memory of knowledge be profound.

Before, I saw such a story:

Two men were walking by the river when they suddenly noticed a child struggling in the river, so they immediately jumped into the water and rescued the child.

Who knows, just after the child was rescued, after a while, another child floated in the river.

In this way, the children floated over one by one, and the two of them jumped down one by one to save them, making them tired.

At this time, one of them swam vigorously upstream, and the other asked puzzledly, "What are you doing over there?"

The man replied, "I'm going to go upstream to see who keeps throwing children into the river." ”

In response, writer Dan Heath came up with a concept: upstream thinking.

It means that when encountering problems, do not rush to extinguish fires everywhere and solve the problems in front of you, but should look upstream and trace the root cause, so as to cure the problem at its root.

As a parent, the same is true when it comes to tutoring your child with homework.

If we only focus on a certain subject and a certain wrong habit of the child, we will only fall into the situation of "pressing the gourd to float the scoop".

It's better to surface and go upstream.

In this way, we will realize that the real important thing in accompanying homework is not right or wrong, but to keep children feeling good about learning.

I also used my personal experience with my son to prove that in the matter of accompanying homework, if you want to be filial to your mother and son, yelling, belittling, and controlling are useless, and the key is to do a good job of empathy, planning and guidance.

Like it, I hope we can all use the right methods to cultivate children's good learning habits and awaken children's enthusiasm for learning.

More importantly, be a little less angry and be a mother who lives longer.

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