I always thought that when I took my daughter to the airport, I would cry to the point of not being able to control myself, and I had always been a sensitive and vulnerable person. But the truth is that before my daughter entered the security area, our family of three took a photo together, and we all laughed in the photo, and my daughter also posed a scissor hand.
After taking the photo, my daughter dragged two heavy suitcases and gradually walked farther and farther away, smiling and waving goodbye to us.
I know that this day is going to come sooner or later. She was leaving us for college, but she chose a foreign country. This time, the return journey is far away, especially in recent years, the epidemic has been raging, and it is no longer a simple thing to come and go with one or two tickets and take a plane for dozens of hours.
However, the daughter is older and has her own choice of path to go, and none of us have the right to stop her.
After she left, I kept thinking about a question: What is the meaning of life?
My daughter spent twenty years with me, and as a conscientious mother, I gave her almost all of my time except for work. Since she was in kindergarten, I took her with me every year on a trip; I took her with me every time I went to a movie or a concert. In fact, more precisely, it was because of her that I traveled, went to the movies, and went to concerts. She is the whole of my life.
From the time she was born to the time she graduated from high school, we weren't separated for more than a week. I was used to having her in my life, to having her voice in the house, to her breath. Even sometimes, when she occasionally goes to bed at noon, I will feel that the huge house is empty, and at this time, there will be a boundless sense of loneliness coming to me.
After my daughter left, I couldn't adapt for a long time, intellectually, her pursuit of her ideals was the most reasonable thing to do, but emotionally, I couldn't adapt to the days when she wasn't around me. Over time, slowly, and slowly, what got me out of the woods was that I did the right thing – keep a mood journal.
When the emotions of longing are flooding and overwhelming, keeping a journal becomes the only way for me to deal with my emotions.
I often think that if I had known that my daughter had only been with her for a short period of twenty years, then, when she was young, I should have taken more time to play with her, tell her stories, and listen and understand more and reprimand her when she did something wrong. I shouldn't take too much of the emotions at work home, although I am with her, I am often absent-minded, and this kind of low-quality companionship does not benefit my daughter at all. I just looked like a conscientious mother on the surface.
When I write down my inner emotions, I feel much more relaxed, as if I have unloaded the heavy burden on my back. Later, I began to understand that another reason for me to write down my thoughts was that I was worried that as time grew up and distances, memories of my daughter's growing up would slowly fade in my mind.
It seems to me that it is because of these experiences that life becomes abundant. As long as the memory of the past is still there, even at the age of dying old age, this memory will make life thicker, like the earth, and make me feel safe.
No matter how far my daughter went, only the memory was still there, and she was always by my side, all the time.
I admit that keeping a mood diary does improve my negative emotions and keep me from indulging in a kind of nothingness and loneliness. In the process of such a process, I began to reflect on the past life, what places did not do well enough? What makes sense and what is right? Are there any remedies?
For these reasons, I picked up the book and read the book I wanted to read. In these books, I learned some new knowledge and learned some new ideas, which greatly broadened my horizons and made me slowly feel the joy of reading. It allows us to no longer be limited to our own inherent thinking, but to look at life from another perspective, to look at life itself.
When I calm down, I often think of a scene where when my daughter graduated from high school, we traveled abroad, it was a drizzle day, we sat on the luxury cruise ship to Finland, ran every corner of the cruise ship together, and in order to prevent slipping, we held hands and climbed to the top of the cruise ship, what a happy moment. We are in a foreign country, dependent on each other, helping each other, intimate.
I also remembered that after she was in high school, we would often argue about a topic and end up not giving in to each other, at which point she would angrily close the study door and not come out for hours. I leaned back on the couch, slowly repairing many of the brain cells I had consumed as a result of the argument. This happens every few days.
All these memories, with full of warmth, have become precious memories in my life.
However, there are sweet and quarrelsome, and the companionship of nearly twenty years has left us with no gap between us. We are like a pair of people locked in a dark room, rejecting the outside and closing the door to finding truth from life.
Now, she goes her own way, like a bunch of grass, must face the wind and rain outside, will also absorb the sun and rain, there are enough nutrients to nourish her growth. And I had to find my own way forward, and in this separation, we both gave each other a gap and opportunity to grow.
Who's to say that this is a bad thing?
Yes, when I realize this, I have a calm heart to face separation, and in this separation, I have enough time to recognize my own inadequacies, which gives me the motivation to grow and change.
I was like a person who traveled a long way, when my daughter went to college and finally came to a resting place. At this time, there is a chance to return to the road when traveling, to see if it has deviated from the original direction, how to adjust, and to take the next stage of the road.
Exercise, read and write, care for the people around you, constantly grow yourself, insist on doing what you want to do, after my daughter went abroad, I also began to embark on the road of self-growth. Each of us ultimately has to live out ourselves.
In my opinion, not dragging, not relying, independent, and helping each other, each becoming the biggest help on the road of life, is the best way for two generations to get along.
Now that my daughter has been abroad for more than half a year, I have long since stepped out of my emotional predicament and regularly do what I want to do every day. I also regularly contact my daughter who is far away to talk about topics that belong to the two of us.
But I will still be shopping, cutting my hair, in the supermarket, at the bus stop, in the rainy weather with umbrellas, in every déjà vu scene that my daughter and I have experienced together, the memories of the past will suddenly come, hitting the softest corner of my heart, making me unable to hold myself for a moment.
But I know that all this will pass, as long as there is a firm belief, always look forward, move forward, everything will be fine, we will continue to approach the goal, and finally achieve the life we want.
Conclusion: I am writing this because I know that the vast majority of mothers face the same confusion as me in middle age: a long-term separation from their children. Some mothers often cry alone in the middle of the night because of their children's college, because of their thoughts; some mothers control their children in every detail, afraid of losing control of their grown children; some give everything to their children, and only in giving them can they experience a sense of value; some constantly complain about their children's filial piety and lament their own fate.
Yes, when a child leaves, it is precisely when a mother needs to make major adjustments in her life.
Our generation, when young, in order to obtain stable material and economic conditions, often sacrificed hobbies and endured to stick to a post for decades. For the sake of the children, for the sake of the family, I have long given up myself, so after the children grow up and leave, there is no thing that interests them, and it is difficult to find the value and meaning of life.
In my opinion, instead of constantly giving, looking for emotional connection with children, and controlling the lives of children in constant complaining, it is better to strive to improve yourself and let wisdom grow with age in the process of getting old.
Children will respect you and be more sympathetic to you because of your love and wisdom.
Only when you constantly improve yourself and grow yourself, can you keep up with the rapid pace of your children's progress in your thinking; can you stand on the same channel and communicate with your children; and can you gain your own self-esteem and pride in the respect of your children. You can live the life that should be yours.