Fiction: The Time of Death

Dying

After reaching middle age and entering the age of confusion, the heart suddenly becomes calm, plain, no longer as in the past, the fame, money, status as important as ever, feel that this is the content of life.

Entering the year of confusion, looking at the years that flowed in a hurry and could not be saved, I felt that the content of his future life had no other content except death.

After having such an understanding, I suddenly feel that money, fame and fortune, and status are all empty, like a cloud of smoke, only living is the most real, and being able to live happily and leisurely is the true content of life.

When I think like this, strange thoughts often arise in my heart, thinking, what if I am going to die tomorrow.

After thinking like this, one afternoon, without the shackles of work and without the intrusion of anything, he was alone in a quiet hut, lazily lying on the sofa, facing the window, slightly closing his eyes, thinking that he was about to die, at the time of death.

So, some memories, feelings, with a series of thoughts, poured into his brain.

Suddenly thinking of the village where he was born.

The village is very beautiful, the head is a blue sky, under the heavens and the earth, is a continuous mountain, the mountains surrounded by a small Pingba. There are two small rivers that meet in Pingba. The homes of the village are distributed on both sides of the river where the small river meets. People's houses are houses with black tiles, and there are yards in front of the houses, and there are various fruit trees around the houses and yards. The family raises chickens and pigs, as well as dogs and cats. The land, outside the village, is distributed on both sides of the creek. The land is sandy and gravel, irregular in shape, bump by bump, put together in one piece, and becomes the most beautiful pattern. The land grows potatoes, corn, soybeans, wheat, and nourishes the people in the village.

The mountain is full of various trees, including green gang trees, pine trees, and birch trees, which change color according to the seasons.

The small river is overgrown with wild willows, reeds, trees, and aquatic plants. The river is clear and flows in silence.

There was a potholed dirt road that passed through the village, and from a ditch, could go to the town, to the wider world outside the mountain. One ditch to another, more remote, isolated village.

The people in the village work at sunrise and perch at sunset. Adults are busy working, and children are playing with mud on the side of the yard. When I reached school age, I carried my school bag and went to school in the village. The old man sat under the eaves, eyes closed, snoozing.

In the village, in the chickens and dogs, it is full of natural tranquility and full of natural atmosphere.

Suddenly thinking of his home

Born in this village, little by little.

When I can open my eyes, see the world outside my body, and when I can open my mouth to speak, walk and run around and play, I already know my relatives in my heart, including my grandfather and grandmother; my father and mother; I have my sister, my sister, my brother.

Grandpa and Grandma, very old. Grandpa had sparse hair, a gray beard, and wrinkles on his face. Grandma's hair was gray and her face was full of wrinkles. Grandparents are very kind and loving. Lonely loves to snuggle in Grandpa's arms, Grandpa holds him, stubble stuck in his face, strangely itchy. Grandma looked for something delicious for Ran. Father and mother are also very fond of each other. Give Ran a delicious meal, buy new clothes for Ran ran to wear. However, if he did something wrong, his mother would scold him, his father would beat him, and his grandfather would hold him and say that his father should not. Brothers and sisters, many times, are very harmonious together, but sometimes, they will quarrel and scold for a bite to eat and play.

Nevertheless, I suddenly felt that the home was full of warmth and happiness.

However, as I grow up day by day, I can run around and play, and I know that outside my home, a wider place, I am not satisfied with the love given by my relatives, the warmth given by my home, and I long for a wider place.

When he got up every day and ate, his heart was no longer at home, and he always sneaked into the village to play.

I thought of the people in the village, and his companions.

I got to know many people in the village, some grandfathers and grandmothers. Most of them have gray hair, wrinkled faces, and hunched over. However, they are all particularly kind. I also got to know some adults who worked hard all day and were full of hope for life. I also met some young people, full of vitality, and full of hope for their future lives.

However, in the lonely heart, the one who remembers it most is still a partner of the same age.

Lonely remembered the forest.

Lin Zi is behind his house, a person on the Pingba, Lin Zi's father works in the township, his mother is in the village, he is a woman, and the family's life is very rich. There is no shortage of food and drink at home, and the forest eats well and dresses well. There are also many children in the village, something that has not been seen. It was a radio. Inside, for some time, there were some good shows. Sometimes, it's the songs; sometimes, it's the stories that make the children in the village feel happy when they listen to it, and a beautiful imagination is also generated in their minds. The radio in the forest, the program on the radio, attracted the children in the village, and it also attracted the widow.

As a result, Lin Zi soon became the head of a doll in the village. Wherever he went, behind his ass, he always followed a bunch of kids. It was playing with him, and the main thing was that he held the radio in his arms, thought about the time, and listened to the program.

Alone and the children in the village, seduced by the radio in the forest, followed the forest and went to the forest's house. Hearing the key place, Lin Zi turned off the radio, and let Xiao Ran and his partner go to carry water and chop firewood before letting him listen. He went with his partner, busy ass, helped the forest with the work, and then listened to the radio.

However, once, I was alone and playing, I don't know what happened, I was annoyed by the play, and I scolded Lin Zi: Lin Zi, I am your mother.

Therefore, after a long time, I did not dare to go to Lin Zi's house for a long time.

Until a long time later, Sheran finally couldn't stand the temptation of Lin Zi's radio, so she secretly went to Lin Zi's house again, and before she arrived at Lin Zi's house, in the courtyard, Lin Zi's mother's family shouted: "Alone, I heard that you want me to come, you come to Japan."

He didn't know how Lin Zi's mother knew, and he scolded her. Frightened, his soul flew away, and he hurriedly ran back home, never daring to go to Lin Zi's house again.

In the village, there are many children, after the forest, and the four children who are slightly related to each other have a good relationship for some days. Ling'er, who is still related to some relatives, has been better for some days.

Siwa's leg was dug into the ground by a person in the village, rolled the stone, smashed it, and cried for it, and said that he would pay Siwa in the future.

He often went to Ling'er and Yu'er's house. The family is large and not wealthy. However, when they went, there were always raw turnips in their homes, and they ate them very fragrantly and crisply, and they also ate them very fragrantly and crisply.

However, it didn't take long, because the forest was the head of the doll in the village, and if he offended the forest, no one would find a single one to play with. Also because the lonely mother, Ma Ming, loves to scold people, which child came to the house, or which child went to play with the child, she knew, she would scold people. Gradually, there will be no children to play alone at home. He secretly went to play with his partner in the village, and the partner said: "Alone, you go back, or your mother will scold us."

There is no partner. He was not satisfied with the space of his home and longed to play with his friends in the village, but no one played with him. A lonely childhood is full of loneliness.

I suddenly thought of my time at school.

The school is three or four kilometers away from the village. When his father sent her to school, she was very excited, put on new clothes, and carried her school bag.

In the first few days, the period of solitude and excitement passed, and I felt that reading was somewhat constrained, I was not free and playful at home, and I skipped school. However, after being persuaded by his father several times and beaten several times, he did not dare to skip school. Moreover, I gradually adapted to the school. I got to know the teachers in the school and many of my classmates.

In the school, there are two teachers, a female teacher, slightly fat, medium-sized, very kind. A male teacher, tall, thin, with naturally curly hair, has a kind side and a stern side, and when he is angry, he is like a leopard.

In the school, there are partners from the village, and there are partners from other villages.

The female teacher has a daughter who also attends the class. The daughter of the female teacher, thin and very gentle, sat in her seat one day or went back to her mother's house, talking to people and making trouble. As soon as I spoke, my face turned red, especially cute and pretty.

I was alone in school, and although I was playing with my village friends, I couldn't find the feeling of being in the village anymore. Because in my lonely heart, I have the task of learning, and I also have other village partners to play together. The most important thing is that in his lonely heart, there are his secrets, and his heart, who does not know how, has a special affection for the teacher's daughter.

She remembered the name of the female teacher's daughter, Swallow. Also remember her look.

In his lonely heart, from the textbook and from the teacher's mouth, he knew the wider place beyond the ravine, stared at the mountains under the sky, and thought about what kind of place it was on the other side of the mountain. I dreamed of growing up in my heart, and when I grew up, I learned knowledge, and my wings were full, so I went to a far, far away place to see.

Such dreams support the soul of the lonely, so that the lonely no longer skip school, nor do they miss the life in the village as a child, but dream, look forward to growing up, looking forward to flying to the vast world outside the mountain.

Along with the dream of growing up alone, another dream of loneliness also began to take root and sprout in the heart.

That is, in the depths of her heart, she silently likes the teacher's daughter Swallow.

In his lonely heart, he filled the swallow deeper and deeper. He liked swallow's thick eyebrows and dark eyes. I like swallow's jet-black hair and tied horn braids. Loved the swallow, that gentle, shy look.

Sitting alone behind the swallow, many times, secretly looking at the back of the swallow, the horn braid, the heart is warm, especially like.

Swallow sitting in the classroom will make Him feel that the classroom has become brighter, and his heart is also solid. Swallow left the classroom and went back to her mother's room, and her lonely heart felt empty, and she felt that the classroom had become empty, just like his heart.

Gradually, like when he was a child, like some other classmates, he left the classroom and chased, played, and shouted on the playground. As long as Swallow sat in the classroom, he also sat quietly in the classroom, sometimes writing homework, sometimes after the homework was written, pretending to read. When the swallow was not in the classroom, she felt empty in her heart, so she walked out of the classroom and played with other partners for a while, and I looked forward to the class, the class, I could listen to the teacher talk about a lot of knowledge, and I could see the swallow.

When I was studying in the village, the dream of growing up and the dream of secretly liking the swallow in my heart were not so strong.

The dream became strong when he went to the township to study at the boarding house.

When she went to the township to study, the female teacher also went to the township to teach, but she no longer taught alone.

Studying in the township, Lone Ran and Swallow, still in the same class.

Studying in the township, I suddenly met some new teachers. There are male teachers and there are female teachers. I also got to know some of my classmates from some other villages.

However, in his lonely heart, he still had a dream of growing up, and a dream of secretly liking swallows.

And the lonely love for swallows has become his most important dream in addition to learning, and in his mind, he also has an extremely rich imagination.

I thought that in the future, he would have a house, and the house would be beautiful and elegant. Behind the house, there is a small garden with green grass and trees; streams, lakes, and pavilions. What a romantic and happy thing to be able to live happily with the swallows, in the house, in the small garden, to sit quietly, to stroll, to whisper!

However, he knew that his father and mother were both in the village, and ordinary people, relying on their hands, working on the land, being able to have enough food during the day and a place to live at night, was the happiest life, and could not give him the life he wanted.

He knew that the only way he wanted to live was to create it himself.

And just thinking about the teacher's words, only knowledge can change his destiny, let him fly to the other side of the mountain, let him enter the dream life.

In his lonely heart, because of the sudden strong dream of the swallow, he was stimulated by his desire, and the dream of the swallow was buried in his heart, turned into a driving force, and used in learning.

He thought in his heart that when he learned the knowledge in the future and could spread his wings and fly, he would pour out his dream of the swallow in his heart to the swallow, and then walk into the life he wanted.

After finishing studying in the township, because of the marriage of the eldest sister, she went to a town in a neighboring county to study, which was closer than going to the hometown to study. Swallow repeated the grade and is still studying in the township.

When he graduated, he had always buried his dream of the swallow in his heart, thinking that in the future, there would be plump wings that could support his dream, and then he would go to the swallow.

The silent love and dream of the swallow supported his soul, gave him a strong spiritual strength, allowed him to transcend the difficulties of reality, and spent all his heart on learning, which was the only way to let him enter the road of dreams.

Go to the town in the neighboring county to study, come and go for dozens of miles, you have to walk. On weekends, I go walking to the town, and when I pray, I walk from the town back home.

There are many roads, all of which are alone, walking through the deserted mountains and the mountains and forests on the beams. Only on some roads, can meet the children in the county village, go to the town to study, can be together, have companionship, and travel.

The road is long, muddy on rainy days, and slippery on snowy days. I fell a lot and walked with back pain. When climbing over mountain beams, you are often hungry and dizzy. And a person, walking through the deserted mountains, and the loneliness and fear in the mountains and forests.

However, it was a dream of swallows, a dream of flying to the other side of the mountain in the future, so that He ran resisted the hardships of reality and gritted his teeth and insisted on reading.

And a classmate in a town where he was studying, the family had money, and often bullied him and humiliated him. If he doesn't go, hit him and scold him.

Fortunately, after staying up for a year, this classmate climbed up a tall building, peeked at the women's toilet, fell down, although he did not fall to his death, but he never came to school again, bullied him, and humiliated him. From then on, I was able to completely settle down and read.

In the meantime, there was also a girl named Xia'er, who gave her a lonely, silent care. Xia'er is long thin and tall, thin and tall, very slender, beautiful. Bright eyes. Very enthusiastic about the solitude. She had lived in her house for some days, and she had given her delicious, solitary clothes, which had been soaked by the rain and worn through her clothes. Let the solitary feel excited and warm. However, in his lonely heart, there were only swallows. Just bury the warmth and care given by Xia'er in your heart silently. Only treat Xia'er as a cute sister.

Fortunately, as soon as I was about to graduate, I had to consider my own future and study.

On the eve of the examination, because he was in another country, he was sued and could not take the examination there. Let the loneliness fall from the peak of the dream to the bottom. Fortunately, his father entrusted someone to transfer him back to his hometown in time and was able to participate in the examination.

What my father did not expect was that the people in his hometown village did not expect that he was actually admitted to a school in the city, and after graduating in the future, he would completely jump out of the village and the land and become a person who ate a relaxed meal.

Suddenly, he became the envied person in the village, and he went to that city to study with that pride and pride, in the praise and envy of the people.

Although the city is not large, it still has a bustling and lively place. There are also mountains, there are water, and there is spirituality.

After entering the city to study, in his lonely heart, for a moment in pride and pride, although like a bird, his wings gradually became full, he spread his wings and flew to the place of his dreams. However, the beautiful dream of the swallow, in the heart, began to become less deep than before, and gradually blurred and pale.

Like those students who came to study together, she was full of youthful turmoil, dressed herself and dressed fashionably. As soon as I have free time, I go wandering around the city. Gradually became familiar with the city. He also began to smoke and drink. Although he does not smoke, he drinks alcohol. Then, I thought of a way to attract the attention of the girls.

In his lonely heart, he also suddenly had a secret liking for a girl in the class. Girls slim individuals, big eyes. Later, I heard my classmates say that this is a class flower.

However, after a year, with the familiarity with the city and the familiarity with the classmates, the commotion gradually subsided. Especially the students in the class, because they like the class flowers, they were beaten. This gave the same commotion to the solitary, and classmates, when the head was drunk.

And the lonely academic performance suddenly became the worst in the class, almost repeating the grade.

All this awakened the lonely, and the lonely heart began to calm down from the commotion.

In his calm heart, he suddenly came to the village, his own home, his own background, and he could not tolerate his too high dreams. At this moment, in his lonely heart, he thought of his studies and also thought of swallows. The swallow is still so beautiful in her heart.

In the following days, in the face of Loneliness, although there were many temptations, some female classmates liked Toran, and Sheran silently refused. In my heart, I think about my studies, I think about swallows, and I pin all my dreams on the time when I go out of school and go to work in the future.

However, on the eve of graduation, a student sister from hometown was as shy and gentle as a person. Let Xiao Ran's heart have some dreams for her, have an agreement, and write a letter to Xiao Ran in the days to come.

In the city, after graduation, he walked out of school and into life with his dream of swallows, his vision of future life, and the agreement with the student.

I suddenly remembered his life after he walked out of school, into life, into work and society.

As soon as he walked out of school and went to work, for him, a series of things happened. First his father died of illness, and then, before he could come out of the pain of his father's death, before he could express his inner dream to Swallow, Swallow followed someone else. Push the solitude from the peak of dreams into the abyss of pain.

Alone by work, bound in ravines, struggling in the abyss of pain.

Suddenly, the dream of the swallow was shattered. I was about to fly out of the ravine and go to the other side of the mountain, and the dreams of a distant place were also shattered little by little. This made me feel lonely and desperate.

It is the desire for future life, and it is also the appearance of a girl in the hometown village that soothes the lonely heart, in despair, brings hope to the lonely, and in the abyss of pain, brings the lonely light.

The girl's name is Plum.

Plum was slender, with jet-black hair, combed in small braids, draped over her shoulders. The plum melon-shaped face, the eyes are dark and bright, the eyebrows are thick, and it is very pure.

Meizi's family conditions are average, and after a few years of study in the village, she returns home and cooks and washes clothes for her mother. Cut the pig grass, feed the pigs, feed the chickens.

When she returned to her hometown village, Meizi would always inadvertently appear in front of her, asking about some things about her work, and also advising her to be strong.

Meizi's words, like sunshine, warm care of the lonely heart, let the lonely heart, feel warm, but also sprinkled into the sunshine little by little.

In the spring, the plums and the lonely one piece, go to the mountains to fold the flowers, in the autumn, a dollar on the hillside, find wild fruits to eat.

Plum's eyes were bright and her smile was bright, bringing hope to her.

It is the plum that makes the lonely bush in the abyss of pain, struggling out and finding hope in life.

He had imagined that Plum was once, but after struggling out of the abyss of pain a little bit, and his heart was full of sunshine, he thought alone, and between Him and Plum, there was a gap that he felt could not be crossed, there was a gap in age, Plum was younger than him, and more importantly, he felt that there was a cultural gap, Plum did not read much, and between Plum, there would be no inner resonance and communication.

When he thinks like this, he longs to be with the plum, there is fear in his heart and the plum in the same piece, he has his dreams, he longs.

Meizi didn't know in Herran's heart, these thoughts, always so pure, gave Herran a warm smile, accompanied Heran, and brought warmth and hope to Heran.

One day, for the love and dreams he longed for in his heart, he resolutely left his hometown ravine and went to a place far away from his hometown.

In his village, he did not find the love he wanted, and the life full of dreams. After a moment of excitement, excitement, and a brief moment of sweetness and happiness, it pushed him into an even more painful abyss.

At this moment, I thought of my hometown and also thought of plums.

During the holidays, when he returned to his hometown village with hope, longing to be with Plum as he once had, he realized that after he left, Plum had gotten along with the other boys, and in a very sweet look, saw him, faintly, and could not go back to the past.

He felt that all his hopes were shattered, and when he didn't know how to live, he returned to the unit, and in the unit, unexpectedly came a girl, and the girl fell in love and got married at a very fast speed.

This soothes the lonely heart. Let the lonely in the abyss of pain see the hope of life.

However, not long after marriage, I suddenly learned that a woman was physically ill, and although there was no danger to her life, she needed to take medicine for a lifetime. After taking the medicine, although he can live and work normally, people look wooden, just like puppet people.

This made the lonely, from the peak of a short period of sweetness and happiness, fall into the abyss of pain.

However, this pain, unlike the initial hope, chasing him to the village, and finally being betrayed and deceived, although the woman is wooden, she is an inseparable companion, cooking for him, washing clothes, and silently accompanying him.

She also knew that she and the woman had come together and could no longer struggle, only to open her eyes and look at reality.

After experiencing some days, I felt the company of women, silently cooking, washing clothes, thinking about the people who had betrayed and deceived him, and suddenly felt that women were so good to him, and in my heart, I couldn't help but rise warmth, this warmth, dispelled the pain in my heart, and the darkness, a little bit of seeing the light, feeling the hope of life.

Although she experienced small ups and downs, the woman finally bore a son to Xiao Ran. The son is smart and lovely, looking like a lonely person and also like a woman.

This brings more and more hope and warmth to the lonely, dispels the pain and darkness in the heart, and is full of hope for life.

Time flies so fast! In a flash, although she and the woman have stayed in many places and walked through many villages, they have never abandoned it, and they have lived a difficult life and lived it peacefully. The child also grew up healthily, entered the school, read the book, a flash, how many years of reading, read to the town, and grew as fast as the lonely, became a young man.

And solitude, a flicker, also let not be confused, into middle age.

All the dreams in my heart have been shattered and gone. Even the dreams of money, status, fame and fortune are not done. To be alive is to have a place to live at night, to have food to eat during the day, and to grow up healthily.

And for the years to come, for himself, there is nothing but death.

When I calm down, I always love to remember in my heart. And when the feeling of dying suddenly came to mind, the memory, like a movie, rushed through the mind.

Suddenly, he felt that his life was so complicated, and it was so simple and pale. Born, childhood, reading, working, starting a family, by this time people reach middle age.

Met many people and traveled to many places. At this time, in the feeling of dying, in the memory that rushed through the mind, in the mind, the person who was particularly clear was his own relative and childhood partner. It is a swallow that has a crush. It is the plum that has accompanied me. Others, though experienced by many people, in their minds, gradually blurred and drifted away like clouds of smoke. And even these people who remain in their minds are accompanied by the hurried years and can never be found again. People are different from the memory, and they can't find the feelings and feelings of that time.

Suddenly, I felt that life was like a dream, and in the end, what was left was a memory, and finally, there was no memory, it was a void.

In his lonely heart, he suddenly thought of death.

Thinking of death, in his lonely heart, after the calmness of middle age, there was not much fear, and he felt that this was an irresistible law of life. It is not myself that I think about myself, but my wife, my children, and my relatives.

I suddenly thought that my father had been dead for many years, and my mother was gradually getting old, although I had not followed him and followed my brother, but I still let him worry.

I also thought of my wife and children.

The wife has been taking medicine, maintaining her condition, and can work and live normally. Although between him and his wife, he has always felt that the lack of emotion he wants is not his dream. However, after years of staying together, the wife has not abandoned, silent companionship, and the feeling between the wife and the wife, has been integrated into the blood, bone marrow. In the years of silent life, I suddenly feel that the feelings between him and his wife are actually deep, difficult to express in words, and even more difficult to give up. I thought alone, if I died, my wife's condition would not recur, and who would take care of the child again. And the child is still young, not an adult, who will take care of the child.

Suddenly, I felt that when I was not confused in middle age, I saw through life, and people also let go of a lot, and gradually lived a relaxed and leisurely life. However, in the relaxed and leisurely, in fact, there is a heavy burden on the shoulders, on the one hand is his own relatives, on the other hand are his wife, children, and family. If he dies and his relatives lose their dependence, the home will collapse because there is no support, and this seemingly peaceful life will no longer exist.

Thinking of this, I am full of attachment to the peaceful life after this time is not confused, and I hope that such a day can last. And for life, it is also full of longing, not only for themselves, but for their relatives, families, wives, and children.

2018, 2, 14 days of grass