Author:Ai Wen (Emotional Self-Media Person)
In the emotional betrayal, the second poisonous chicken soup that misleads people is:
To forgive others is to let yourself go.
In the matter of emotional betrayal, there is a strange existence, that is, after encountering betrayal, it seems that "forgiveness" has become a natural choice, and "forgiveness" has even become another kind of moral kidnapping. If you don't forgive others, then you seem to be making enemies of the whole world— including yourself.
Why does this logic exist? People's interpretation of the phrase "to forgive others is to let go of oneself" is probably mainly two meanings.
First, if you can't forgive others, then you yourself are not living well, so the original intention of forgiveness is for your own good, you forgive others, this matter will be digested, and you will be equivalent to letting yourself go.
"Forgiveness" and "hate" are closely related, "hate" will make a person have a bad mentality, if you have long-term hatred, then it is not good for your physical and mental health - from this point of view, it is right to let go of hate.
However, if you only see this layer, you easily force yourself to let go of hatred, and easily choose to forgive, then you may not really be "letting yourself go", there is hatred to eliminate, but it may not be necessarily a way to forgive - Chinese, revenge, hatred, happiness and revenge, these are also ways to eliminate "hate".
Sometimes, there is hatred in the heart, and it is not all absolutely bad things, if there is no "hate" of killing the father's revenge, Wu Zixu will not be crowned marquis and worship, digging up the grave and whipping the corpse; if there is no "hate" of the shame of the country, the Yue King will not lie down and taste the guts, revive the hegemony - if the "hate" can be transformed into a positive force, the so-called shame and courage, of course, is positive energy.
Just like many people who have suffered emotional betrayal, it is based on this deep hatred that they have completely changed themselves and gained a new life, and there are many examples of this.
In fact, forgive others, and let go of yourself, there is basically no inevitable causal connection, you forgive others, others may not let you go; you forgive others, you may not let go of yourself - let go of yourself, always be yourself.
Therefore, that sentence is really to the point:
Many years have passed, and you probably won't have much hatred when you think of those who have hurt you, but this is not forgiveness, but "forget it".
Second, forgiveness becomes an important part of repairing the relationship in form, in other words, if the relationship that has encountered betrayal must be maintained, if the betrayed person chooses to admit his mistake and is willing to turn back, then your forgiveness becomes a lesson that must be completed, otherwise, you are not cultivated enough, and even, you are the culprit who causes everyone to be unhappy.
Serious in nature, right. Yes, in reality, too many people are kidnapped by this invisible morality and forced to complete their forgiveness.
Since one party has the choice of betrayal, then, of course, the other party has the choice of not forgiving, if because of the inability to forgive, do not want to forgive, lead to the complete breakdown of this relationship, leading to the disintegration of a family, resulting in the child becoming a single-parent family, then the real culprit is the person who betrays the feeling, not the person who cannot forgive the other party - however, this minimum basic common sense is ignored by most people.
If you don't forgive the other person, then it is equivalent to you being narrow-minded, not enough, small belly, and grumpy; if you can't forgive the other party, then, in the end, the person who caused the marriage to break up and personally broke up the family became you - this is the strange logic in reality.
Therefore, in the emotional betrayal, many people feel guilty and self-blame because they cannot forgive each other.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is, in the final analysis, a natural state of mind – if you are willing to forgive, you will forgive; if you cannot forgive, you will force yourself to forgive. Forgiveness and trust, in this case, are the same, and neither of them can be accomplished through "persecution."
In addition, even if you want to forgive, you have to look at the other party's attitude, to see whether forgiveness has value and meaning - and these, all of which take time, if there is not enough time, how to prove the other party's attitude, how to confirm the value and meaning of forgiveness, but unfortunately, this important issue is also ignored by many people.
If a person does not have a good attitude after betrayal, if the person who betrays feelings has never treated the other party sincerely and sincerely, without any sense of responsibility and responsibility, what will such a person forgive; and what can he forgive?
Therefore, after encountering emotional betrayal, the real attitude should be:
You (the betrayer) try first, and I will wait and see the after-effect, and then choose whether to forgive you or not.
But even if you behave well, I may not forgive you, because your hurt comes first— since you have the freedom to choose betrayal, then of course I have the freedom to choose whether to forgive or not, if I can't forgive you, remember, not because I am not cultivated enough, but because you blame yourself.