01
Today is Qingming Festival. I'm already back in Hangzhou.
Grandpa's cemetery, which had been visited last week. This year is special, because of the epidemic, each cemetery Qingming Festival on the day, only 5 places are open. And I, go ahead.
When looking for Grandpa's grave, I also passed by many other people, men and women, life and death, life seems to be just a moment.
We thought that the end was still far away, but step by step, the passing of time was only a drop in the ocean.
02
For a long time after Grandpa left, I fell into a state of emotional collapse.
Just like the last time I saw him, I felt blood in my heart.
I'm in my 90s, and it seems like I'm going to live a long life, but for me, I'll never have a grandfather.
Grandpa left with an intestinal obstruction. There was a huge tumor in the intestine, and in the end, it encroached on the space of the intestine, so it could not eat, could not discharge, and then lived by dripping.
My father said: The nurse who accompanies the nurse at night always says that the old man will touch the biscuits at the head of the bed, and the voice of Sissosiso cannot be controlled.
But he really couldn't eat it.
Two days ago, I talked to my grandmother.
Grandma said: I knew that I would die, so I would have surgery at that time.
Grandma regretted it a little.
Grandpa and my mom were diagnosed at about the same time.
I took my mother to see a doctor in Hangzhou, and my father took my grandfather to Shaoxing to hang up a drip and seek medical treatment.
The doctor in Shaoxing said: "More than 90 years old, in fact, in the 80 years old, this disease is easy to treat, remove the tumor in the intestine." But I am more than 90 years old, and I am afraid that I can't wake up from anesthesia. Well, treat it conservatively. ”
What I've always regretted is that several times, when my dad was hesitant to have surgery, he didn't say firmly: Surgery.
My dad also had difficulties, he wasn't the only child, it was a big deal that required everyone's opinion to decide, and of course respect grandpa's opinion.
So, the last time, a big reason I broke down was more because I regretted that I didn't make enough effort.
My mother's illness that year has long made me take care of myself, although the indicators have been relatively stable, but after the operation is not the same as before. Moreover, cancer has always been stable and must not recur.
And Grandpa, many people tell me that you are only a granddaughter, in fact, the previous generation of things can not participate in too much, otherwise the good and bad will eventually fall on you alone.
But after my grandfather left, I continue to dream of him to this day:
Sometimes, see him sitting in a recliner;
Sometimes, he would give me something (and forget when I woke up);
Sometimes, it always goes back to a few years ago, when we sat together and ate together, and he liked to eat vegetables and was also keen on health.
But the foothold of life is so fast, he probably did not expect it. And what I have hidden deep inside me is probably the knot that I have not been able to unravel all these years:
"If I had tried harder, the ending would have been different."
03
Father said,
Many things, can not regret. Because you never know which decision is the right one.
Many things can not be turned back, and all the choices are not up to us to say.
It is too difficult for man to win the heavens and put it in the dimension of life. You think you can beat it, you don't.
More often, we can only choose to accept, as well as live each day well.
At the beginning of this year, my father began to have his teeth removed.
My father's teeth were not good, but the teeth were not cheap, so he made up his mind to put the whole mouth in his mouth because in my grandfather, he began to pay attention to this matter.
Teeth are too important for the elderly. Grandpa did not want to have his teeth in place, so later in time, eating meat and eating vegetables could only be swallowed, which increased the burden on the stomach and intestines.
If there is repeated chewing of teeth, then the burden on the stomach and intestines will be much smaller.
My father also began to see many things, such as buying more things he liked, and also taking out new clothes to wear. Buy what you want to eat, and shop online more often.
Why did it suddenly make my dad change?
It's really because of my grandfather.
Life is really short, so short that you can't enjoy a lot of things at all, and it's over.
When I sorted out my grandfather's old clothes, my father always sighed: "So many new clothes are not worn, always a torn leather jacket, thick and heavy, and now, it is no longer possible to wear."
Looking at him all regretted it, but regret was useless. Heaven and man are separated. ”
Father said that while straightening his clothes, he only sighed.
04
See a sentence: Today's air is full of the breath of thought.
Or perhaps, every person and every fate encountered in life is only in this life.
None of us can beat fate's arrangement. Life is small, many things have passed, you can only choose the past, many things are left, let it stay.
I don't know if as long as I remember it, he has been there.
Maybe.