Gu Jia, a full-time mother in "Thirty Only", and her son Xu Ziyan (Source Network)
At six o'clock in the morning, the alarm went off. Li Fangmei suddenly woke up in her sleep, reflexively touched the mobile phone on the bedside table in the dark, quickly turned off the alarm clock, quietly opened the quilt and slipped out of bed, making breakfast for her daughter who was ready to go to school. She didn't dare to make a big move, her husband worked late last night, and he had to let him sleep more.
"The fridge will be scrubbed later." She thought to herself. It is estimated that last night when the daughter pushed the Chinese medicine bowl into the refrigerator, she did not pay attention, and the brownish yellow liquid spilled outside. "After a while, I have to go to the market to buy some seafood, and his father is a big fan of seafood, and he has to drive half an hour to the dock every time to buy freshly arrived seafood, where it is fresh."
Grocery shopping, cooking, sweeping, mopping... It has been 18 years since those days.
In the past 18 years, Li Fangmei seems to have only done one thing – to be a mother.
"Three heads and six arms" full-time mom (source network)
01
Step into another workplace
"I chose to become a stay-at-home mother, which can be said to be active, but in fact, I was 'forced to be helpless'." Wang Xiaomin, a freelancer from Xi'an, preached this way. "When I gave birth to a child, I was older, more than 30 years old, there was no elderly person in the family with children, and it was not safe to ask outsiders to help."
Liu Li, an engineering cost engineer from Hengshui, Hebei Province, also worked as a full-time mother for two years after the birth of the child, "At that time, my parents were sick and there was no way to help me with the child, so I had to bring it myself." ”
In contrast, the choice of Xiaohongshu blogger @ Tsinghua Mother Bai Xiaobai (hereinafter referred to as "Bai Xiaobai") seems to be more active and purposeful. "My choice is based on family needs, we want to refine parenting and ensure the quality of family life."
Whether it is "willing as a glutton" or a helpless move, behind the seemingly single title of "stay-at-home mother", there are a wide range of people from different regions, different social classes, different education levels and different living backgrounds. With the liberalization of the three-child policy and the concept of refined parenting gradually becoming popular, many women choose to step out of the workplace and become full-time mothers and step into a "new workplace" that is also full of challenges.
In the "2020 Full-time Mother Willingness Survey", nearly 30% of non-first-tier city mothers consider being full-time mothers (Picture source Ai Media Data Center)
When young people complain about the "996" (9 o'clock in the morning, leave at 9 o'clock in the evening, 6 days a week) to squeeze the work system of employees, full-time mothers have been silently completing their "007" work and becoming "full-industrious models" on standby 24 hours a day.
"Much more tired than normal work" is Wang Xiaomin's biggest feeling as a full-time mother. The last time she ate three meals a day in its entirety, she can't remember when, and for her, "hunger and fullness" is now commonplace. Because the child was small and needed to be held back and forth to sleep, Wang Xiaomin also had tenosynovitis, and his thumb was particularly painful, "Later, I couldn't even pick up a bowl." "Long-term overwork and lack of sleep make Wang Xiaomin often feel mentally confused.
As Cao Jinhe, a professor at Fudan University's School of Journalism, and Cao Haofan, a phD student, wrote in their review of Shani O'Gard's "Return to Family: Family, Career, and Unattainable Equality," the family remains another "workplace" that "generates electricity for love" after stay-at-home mothers leave their jobs.
In addition to physical exhaustion, psychological anxiety and stress are more difficult challenges for stay-at-home moms.
In South Korea's best-selling feminist novel "Kim Ji-young, born in 1982", there is such a scene depicted: Kim Ji-young takes the child to rest in the park, and after the child is asleep, she sits on a bench and slowly enjoys a cup of coffee, but hears the office worker next to her whispering: "I also want to use the money earned by my husband to buy coffee to drink, hang around all day... 'Mother worm' is really good life." ”
Stills of the TV series "Kim Ji-young born in 1982" (Source Network)
In Korea, "worm" means inferior animal. The term "mommy" is used to demean stay-at-home mothers who have no income, rely exclusively on their husbands, and are home with children.
In the eyes of many people, "full-time wife" is simply the most "fragrant" "profession" in the world, taking her husband's money, just "squatting at home", and living comfortably in a safe harbor. To have such a "beautiful difference" to sit back and enjoy its success, I am afraid that I will wake up laughing when I sleep.
However, Liu Li admitted that the real situation of many full-time mothers is that "sleep less than five hours a day, don't say wake up laughing, even having a nightmare is a luxury."
"Psychological stress is actually greater than physical stress." Wang Xiaomin said. Because there is no financial resource, it always feels inferior, disrespected, and seems to have lost contact with the outside world. "The circle of frequent communication is only left with full-time mothers, discussing chai rice oil salt sauce vinegar tea, and the common words of the original colleagues and friends are getting less and less, feeling disconnected from society in all aspects, and also keeping up with the husband who has kept up."
Wang Xiaomin, who had a hard time to rest, collapsed on the sofa, brushing the exquisite daily life of her former colleagues and friends in the circle of friends, full of beautiful makeup, coffee and wine, she subconsciously looked at the shoe cabinet that became the high heels of the decoration, and the makeup on the dresser fell gray.
Wang Rong, a stay-at-home mother in Xi'an, also had moments of regret and anxiety about her choice, which she believes comes from the denial of self-worth – "feeling like a 24-hour nanny".
The main reason why stay-at-home moms find it difficult to get recognition of objective value is embarrassing evaluation criteria. Clean and tidy living rooms, three meals with different patterns, and patient and long-term companionship are difficult to quantify and recognize like other social occupations. Compared with everything in the workplace that uses KPIs as a performance measure, it seems that mothers can only "fight for their children".
02
The "Retrograde" under the halo
As a high-achieving student with the aura of a prestigious school on his head, Bai Xiaobai's choice of becoming a full-time mother with a master of laws has puzzled and regretted many people. They firmly believe that the destination of graduates of famous schools should be "famous enterprises and factories", and elite women should break the shackles of gender and become "strong women" who gallop in the workplace, and becoming a full-time mother is a huge waste of educational resources.
At a time when Teacher Zhang Guimei reprimanded the graduating female students for being full-time housewives, Professor Shen Yifei discouraged the majority of women to become full-time wives, and the call for "independent women" was rising, Bai Xiaobai seemed to have become a different "retrograde".
Bai Xiaobai's experience sharing video (source network)
Bai Xiaobai's father is also one of the most people. He did not understand why his daughter, who had strong self-discipline since childhood and would fight into Tsinghua after five levels and six passes, was willing to give up the bright and bright future of urban white-collar workers and be trapped in "short parents". But after getting the support of her mother and in-laws, Bai Xiaobai tried to do the emotional comfort work for her father.
When the blogger @rice cake mother announced that she would become a full-time mother, she was also unanimously opposed by her friends: "The economy is not independent, the pressure is very large, and it will become a 'yellow-faced woman'..." Friends have advised her.
However, Bai Xiaobai's heart was very firm, "This is a reasonable choice I came up with after analyzing the pros and cons." I've never regretted being a stay-at-home mom, but I'm struggling with how to find a new approach that suits my lifestyle and builds my identity. Bai Xiaobai recalls his mental journey since making this choice, "My last life goal was to become a successful working woman, and that goal ended when I became a full-time mother." So what are my follow-up goals? ”
Bai Xiaobai believes that "becoming a stay-at-home mother is a waste of ability" is a prejudice and does not establish. On the contrary, for her, being a stay-at-home mom is a stage for her to show her abilities and a springboard to improve her level. "When I am with my children, my own body and mind are also growing. I can also have more opportunities to calm down and read books, to find myself, to think about a lot of questions about education and life, and to become a person who can really think deeply. ”
Also in the face of doubts, Ren Zihan, a "Kochi" stay-at-home mother in Xi'an, believes that lifestyle is a choice made according to family circumstances and personal preferences, there is no standard answer, and it is not just a certain model that is right. "As long as I find a balance between personal pursuits and family needs, it is the best solution for me."
When the children grow up, the "retrograde" mothers return to the workplace, but they all go a harder way. Wang Xiaomin believes that "the idea is very beautiful, and the reality is very bone-chilling." Because the mothers who complete the task of carrying a baby are often unable to meet the requirements of many units "under 35 years old".
Liu Li introduced that her job before becoming a full-time mother was engineering budgeting, and after resigning, the position was replaced by others. When I returned to work again, I could only find the leader to coordinate and did a year of building sales. "After that, I slowly had new projects and returned to my original full-time position."
In addition to the shortage of jobs, the main reasons why companies no longer favor full-time mothers include the rupture of network resources in this group, the lack of soft and hard skills, and the mismatch with market requirements.
Bai Xiaobai believes that when full-time mothers return to the workplace, what they need is a perfect social support system. For example, the relevant guarantees and training for women's reemployment have truly established a bottom-up network.
At this year's two sessions, Wei Zhenling, a member of the National Committee of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference, submitted a proposal proposing to "let full-time wives and full-time gentlemen become legal occupations and enjoy the benefits of accumulated working years and social security." It can be seen that society is making efforts to maintain women's social status and family status. But Bai Xiaobai also raised questions about the specific landing method, should the salary of a full-time mother be provided by her husband or by society? There are still many practical problems to be solved.
03
Your name is not just a stay-at-home mom
Anthropologist Ma Wei has been continuously involved, observed, recorded and reflected on the stay-at-home mom community for four or five years, publishing the documentary work "Your Name, Not Just Full-Time Moms", which outlines the portrait of the new generation of full-time mothers. "Spotless home is my booty" "Praise is a luxury for me"... Ma Wei called stay-at-home moms the "contemporary Sisyphus" of unpaid labor.
"On the first day of confinement, I suddenly felt that the original Gu Jia was dead, and it was Xu Ziyan's mother who survived." This passage in "Thirty Only" poked the hearts of many stay-at-home mothers. Wang Rong, who was also a white-collar worker in a foreign company before, also mentioned that after being a full-time mother, "I feel that the 'self' is getting smaller and smaller." ”
"This is my life for a day, 4387 days of marriage, today is like this, yesterday is, the day before yesterday is, if nothing else, tomorrow is also." 」 The third issue of the first domestic female monologue drama "Hear Her Say" "Insomniac People's Dreams" portrays this kind of full-time housewife life that can be seen at a glance.
Stills from "Insomniac's Dream" (Source Network)
Dong Qing once mentioned her thoughts after becoming a mother in an interview: "All of a sudden, all the time was occupied by him, and life became very trivial and mediocre. Neither can we say that my world is only me, nor can it be said that my world is only him. You have to strike a balance in each other's world. Dong Qing felt that she should strive to make herself better, "Let him really understand in the future, for you to have love and respect, from you can learn some good qualities... I don't want to give up the possibility of my continued growth, I don't want to stop because of him. ”
After several difficult choices between work and stay-at-home moms, Wang Xiaomin began to rediscover her balanced fulcrum in life and seek more freelance job opportunities. "I feel that I can't give up on myself, but should re-find my own positioning, and then re-adapt to society, try not to be disconnected from society."
In addition to becoming a "full-time mother", Bai Xiaobai is also exploring his new possibilities, and the new identity he has unlocked is "Little Red Book Blogger". Her love of creation and tolerance of self-media make her passionate. She talked about her former confusion and helplessness and anxiety on the platform, and also shared her experience of groping forward, bringing more full-time mothers warmth and strength.
"I did a lot of homework, flipped through n parenting-related tomes, collected all kinds of information on the Internet, and taught myself psychology, reading and leadership." Bai Xiaobai has built a new knowledge system for herself, showing the new identity of full-time mothers, breaking the traditional thinking prejudices, and encouraging more full-time mothers to jump out of the shackles and bravely try.
According to the data of the "2020 White Paper on The Way of Family Incubation in China", opening stores, doing micro-business, and investment and financial management have gradually become the "slash side business" that full-time mothers are most willing to open up in the new era.
Professor Li Jie of the School of Social Work of China Women's University pointed out that to guide and help housewives enhance their sense of self-worth, it is necessary to give them "the opportunity to become participants and builders of public life, and in the process realize the unity of personal value and social value." In the Internet era, if you want to return to society, self-media entrepreneurship is undoubtedly one of the new ways with a lower threshold.
At the same time, more and more stay-at-home mothers are gradually breaking free from "gender kidnapping". The joining of full-time fathers and the popularity of related theme film and television dramas have also made this group gradually "seen" by the times. In the view of @rice cake mother, whether it is a full-time mother or a full-time father, "learning to let the other party intervene more in the matter of raising a baby is a wisdom that must be mastered." "If both parties have the self-awareness to participate in raising children, I believe things will be easier." ”
On the quietest night of the day, the child was writing homework in his room, and Li Fangmei sat demurely at the computer desk, concentrating as if she had returned to the classroom 20 years ago. At the other end of the screen, the teacher is teaching the basic operation techniques of PS, "Now everyone moves the mouse to this little lock, click on it to unlock the layer..."
They are stay-at-home mothers, circling the trivial routine; but they are not mediocre, they have their own light, they should also be seen, praised, respected...
(Wang Xiaomin, Liu Li, Wang Rong, Ren Zihan are pseudonyms, @ Tsinghua mother Bai Xiaobai, @ rice cake mother are all online names of respondents)
Interviews: Lin Jiaqin, Zhang Jingman, Jiang Xue, Wang Fanrui, Xiong Bindong, Sai Ying
Text: Ge Rongchen, Wu Shiyu
The image comes from the Internet
Edit: Rosie