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The article shared today tells a very typical case:
A mother in Henan shared the growth story of their children in the process of sharing their children's growth stories with the founder of the Junior Business School, Zhang Hua, and the son was unable to integrate into school life, and began to take a break from school in the second year of junior high school, and was homeschooled for five years, but with the support and guidance of her parents, she let the children do what they liked, and during the period also found their own sense of mission in life, and finally were admitted to four American universities, two of which also gave full scholarships. After graduating from undergraduate, I worked for two years and earned my own money to pursue graduate and doctoral studies.
What kind of courage does this mother have, and what exactly is it doing right? What is the inspiration for parents who do not have children who are not out of school at home, or who are a little anxious?
Organize | New Media Department, Junior Business School
This article is compiled from the live broadcast of The Zhang Hua Book Club video number
01
With good grades, why did you choose to take a break from school?
Zhang Hua: How many grades did your child skip school? Under what circumstances do I choose to suspend my studies? Have you ever had a time of struggle? When did you jump out of the struggle?
Xiaoli: I myself majored in preschool education in college, so when my child was young, I did more about his early development, because I felt that at that time, the child already had the interest in learning, the ability to learn, and the enthusiasm for learning. In the process of my companionship, I can help him in time about the child's emotional problems, problem-solving ability, etc., and he will give me feedback when he has any problems.
But after my child was in the first grade of elementary school, I started working for a foreign company. The work intensity in the first year was good, the second year was relatively large at the beginning, and the work intensity in the third year was already super large. I worked for this foreign company for almost four years, and during these four years I paid less attention to my children.
In fact, the child's learning ability and cognitive level have always been no problem, especially in science and economics, even two or three years ahead of the same age children, but in terms of emotional management and social skills, they may be two or three years behind their peers, so he looks very strange among his classmates.
At this time, I was also very upset, on the one hand, I did not want to quit my job, on the other hand, I did not have the heart to work. I hesitated like this for about a year and a half, and by the time my child was in the end of fifth grade and nearly sixth grade, the problem became even more pronounced.
Then I couldn't do anything about it and resigned. The child did not take a break from school at this time, but when he came home, he often mentioned that I did not want to go to school. The teacher also talked to me constantly, saying that he didn't have any concentration in class now, and looked out the window every day in a daze.
Even though that was the case, I kept my kids going to school because I didn't have the courage to leave school and kept thinking: What if I brought my kids back? We can't open a school for him.
Although the child did not pay attention in class, his grades were always good, and he later went to a very good junior high school. In this way, I hesitated until the second half of the second semester of my child's second year of junior high school, and I began to realize that if I did not intervene any more, the grades of the junior high school children would be in the middle, even if there were some subjects such as mathematics and physics.
Later, it was the child's father who was conservative and stable made the decision first, saying that he would take the child home or not. Because of dad's encouragement, we began to homeschool our children. When I was in my second year of junior high school, I began to go home from school, and then stayed at home for a total of five years, and began to prepare for american universities in my sophomore year of high school.
02
How can parents accompany their parents when their children are away from school?
Zhang Hua: Can you share what kind of role you and your husband have played in these long four or five years?
Xiaoli: In the process of self-study at home, I mainly accompany my children, because I didn't pay much attention to his learning since the beginning of primary school, and I learned it by himself. My dad and I mainly accompany the children to solve problems such as frustration and confusion about the future.
Counting down, we actually play two main roles: the first is the role of supporters. Because at that time there were a lot of people around us who thought our children were weird and took an unusual path. But we assessed the characteristics of the child, and I felt that he sometimes spoke inappropriately because he was immature, not because his values were incorrect during the dating process.
After doing this assessment, I have a bottom in my heart, and I feel that as a parent, I can wait for him to become mature. When he is socially frustrated with his peers or doubts himself, we act as his supporters, helping him see the good in himself and then giving positive feedback.
Second, it is the role of a coach. There are some things that I obviously have a good way to share with my child, but I can't help but say, I hope he can learn through his own little experience, and I believe that he will slowly have such ability.
So usually when a child encounters a problem to ask me, I will first say "I want to hear how you feel in this process", and after he finishes his feelings, I will guide him to slowly tell his thoughts, this process is actually to help the child to do combing. Later, I found out that this had a great influence on the more logical way he thought about problems as an adult.
03
Do you skip school to attend a cram school at home?
Zhang Hua: The child took a five-year break from school at home from the second year of junior high school, and then went to prepare for the University in the United States, how did you two do academic planning with your children?
Xiaoli: Because of the home education at that time, there were no specially formed teaching materials in China, and there were friends around who had some foreign related teaching materials. But my English level is very average, and I can't learn in English, so basically I can't give my children good support in learning.
After selecting the teaching materials, we held a family meeting to give our son a "preventive shot" for the transition from Chinese education to English education, and asked him if he would like to accept this challenge. At that time, I said to my child: At the beginning, you may be downgraded, and learning the math and physics that you are good at in English may encounter various problems, if these situations occur, what will happen to you? Wouldn't you feel frustrated?
He said yes, and I said what to do. He said, Mom, maybe I need some encouragement. There is also the possibility that I don't need encouragement, I may be about to pick a fight.
I said, if you want to pick a pick, it's okay, but that doesn't mean you're always going to pick a pick, right, you're allowed to make a fuss. Then I asked him again: How do you think mom and dad can cooperate with you at this time? He said, so be it, when I'm in a bad mood, you don't nag me, when I'm in a good mood, you can push me again.
Even though we've been given a "preventive shot", the child still doesn't want to be downgraded at first, but there is no way, the assessment he did shows that it is indeed necessary to downgrade, because there are many technical terms in mathematics, plus he has to learn in English, which is difficult. In fact, his mathematical level is definitely higher than the results of the assessment. So the child was a little frustrated, I said to him, it doesn't matter, you can change it, and when you understand these words, you may change it faster later.
Zhang Hua: Have your child participated in subject training classes or interest classes before? Is there any guidance from some teachers in the process of self-study at home?
Xiao Li: In elementary school, we basically didn't report to any cram schools, and if the teacher took him away, he would go to the Olympiad class. Then in middle and high school, that is, at this stage of home education, we have a community, composed of several families, and usually we will have some interaction. One of the families had a dad who was an English major, a mom who was studying in Singapore, and their children were homeschooled. So academically they will be more helpful to our son.
04
What about my child's social interaction after school leave?
Zhang Hua: In this process, how to balance the development of children's social skills and hobbies?
Xiaoli: As mentioned earlier, our children are about three or four years later than their peers in terms of social skills, and after returning to the family, I found that he really can't play with children of the same age, but can play with children who are 5 or 6 years younger than him.
We were at home in the morning, and when the sun was still in the afternoon after studying, we went to the university campus to play with other children. In fact, our child was already one meter eight at that time, and his height was particularly tall. And then the children, who were six years younger than him, were still like children, playing together, riding horses, fighting. So how to play it? I found our son lying on the ground as a horse, and others rode on him to fight.
Later, a friend of mine said, don't you think your children are very disadvantaged to play like this? I said, why? Friends said that they played with him as small ones, and let the family ride as horses. But I think that's good, for him it's that he's found his own way of socializing. At that time, he found his own mission, which was also the motivation for his later learning to advance by leaps and bounds.
05
Can you still find your life ambition during your suspension?
Zhang Hua: How was this mission found?
Xiaoli: I am a Christian, once I took him to worship during the summer vacation, and after that time, he said to me, Mom, I realized that I didn't need to prove my worth because of my performance, my life itself has value. It was the first time in his life that he had realized this.
Second, in his communication with younger children, he found that many children need to be cared for. He felt that he was with these children, and when he let these children feel loved and valued, he felt a special sense of satisfaction and happiness in his heart. So that's when he started to explore what he could do for others.
Before this, most of his emotional problems were caused by saying that others had misunderstood me and that others had wronged me, which led to great confusion and distress, but after this change, he began to look at the children around him when they felt loved.
So when he was 15 years old, he told me that Mom wanted to go to the places where the left-behind children were, wanted to live with them, and what I could do for them.
Later, I took him to a summer camp for rural children as a teaching assistant for the first time. The next year he started organizing the children around him, going to summer camps for the children in the countryside, such as teaching English, and then looking for people who were good at sports, teaching these children to play basketball, play football, jump rope, and then buy some books for these children, and so on.
That's when he became different, and I felt that his life focus was not on "how I am" but "what can I do for other people", so I think this is related to his later college years to become a leader.
Zhang Hua: When a child enrolls in a university in the United States, does he choose medical school, is it a career direction that he has explored? Or did you give some guided support and help?
Xiao Li: Actually, what he wanted to read at the beginning was education. When he first chose this major in education, he did not ask me hard, Mom, do you think I am suitable for education, he has not asked me.
But what I felt at the time was that he was not necessarily suitable for education, because he had always been a science student, used to think about problems and look at the world with science thinking, so he was not so complicated, his interaction with people was very simple, so I think he may not understand people's psychology or anything, but I didn't say it, just asked him: Do you like education? He said, I currently think I like education because I like kids. I said, okay then.
And then in terms of choosing a school or something, I didn't have any interference, just listened to him. He chose a school, and the most important thing he valued was the values transmitted by the school. After he finished applying, after a year of gaping year at home, we made some deposits and other preparations.
Then the child himself did some of the things he wanted to do, such as going to New Oriental as a teacher for a while, traveling to North Korea alone, and so on. After he did all this, he came back and said to me, Mom, I think I might change my major in my freshman year and stop studying education. At that time, he felt that he had communicated with some doctors and might want to turn in this direction.
Later I said what to do, can this be changed? He said, then I will contact it, I sent an email to the school, and then he said, I may want to change majors in medical preparation, because there is no medicine in the United States, only medical preparation or biology.
I was also particularly touched by the reply given to him by that school later, and I felt that he had not chosen the wrong school at all. The school replied: I am very happy to receive your email, and when we saw your grades, we thought that this was a student who could study medicine in the future. But the school did not give him a transfer immediately, saying that you can first come and continue to try to study education. Finally, he studied pedagogy and cell biology.
06
The child is suspended from school at home for five years
Mom most wanted to say a word to the anxious family
Zhang Hua: What is the most important thing you would like to say to families whose children are on the verge of suspension?
Xiaoli: I would like to say that all children have their own characteristics, and when we calm down and observe them, we can tap and develop their strengths, and then encourage and support them to make them better selves.
Zhang Hua: That is, dare to let children be themselves, which is vividly expressed in Xiaoli. And different from ordinary children, in the face of her son who is suspended from school at home, Xiaoli will encounter more difficulties and challenges, but she still continues to support and encourage her children.
In general, in her, there are three points that are very worth learning: one is the sense of boundaries of parenthood, the other is to be his coach, supporter and guide in the process of growing up, and the third is to constantly give children a greater vision and let children constantly explore their own cognitive boundaries. Not every one of these three points can be done, but it is already remarkable to be able to do one of them well.
As mentioned in the book "Parenting Rules for High-Achieving Children" that I shared with you, adopting the principles of strategic parenting, parents who raise children will teach their children to communicate with people easily. It requires parents to play 8 different roles, each of which is played by one or both parents at a specific time in the child's development:
Role 1: Early learning partner| develop a passion for lifelong learning
Role 2: Flight Engineer | ensure the right course of life
Character 3: Rescuer | remove obstacles and open the beauty of success
Role 4: The enlightener | guides the direction of self-realization
Role 5: Philosophers | explore the meaning of success in life
Role 6: Role models | the power of words and deeds
Role 7: Negotiator | teach children to express their positions and fight for their rights
Role 8: GPS | develop internalized judgment
Xiaoli may not have read this book, but she undoubtedly confirmed that she has provided diversified support to children in her own way, let children do what they like, and may achieve higher achievements in the future, the most important thing is that the heart is full of a sense of achievement and happiness, and also found their own sense of mission in life.