Zhou Nan: It's really hard for one person to really understand another person!
Feng Yue: Well, even if it is as familiar as you and me.
This is a classic line in the hit drama "The World".
Zhou Nan couldn't understand why Feng Yue always had to be angry with his mother; Feng Yue couldn't understand what was wrong with Zhou Nan's multiple rich fathers.
Both sides stand in their own shoes and see each other's problems as not problems.
And this is also the problem that most of you and I have: excessive magnification of their own problems, excessive contempt for other people's problems. They cannot understand each other, nor can they empathize with each other.
01 The joys and sorrows of mankind are not the same
There is a hot topic on Zhihu:
Why are you sending less and less circles of friends?
The answers are varied, and the central meaning is one: 99% of what happens to you has nothing to do with others.
I didn't think so until I witnessed a human warmth.
Once, a little girl in the unit hurried to find the leader and wanted to leave work half an hour early. Because her mother-in-law is in the hospital for rescue and her husband is an only son, although she can't help much, she should be present.
I thought the leader would release the person immediately, but he just looked at the clock impatiently and muttered:
It's almost out of work...
Although this leader did not say a single "no" word from the beginning to the end, the indifference between the lines made the onlookers shudder.
Admittedly, the illness of his subordinates' relatives had nothing to do with him. But people's lives are at stake, and the words blurted out by the leaders are in stark contrast to the warmth of the weekdays.
In the final analysis, human sorrow and joy are not the same, everyone will only care about what they want to care about, as for the rest, they can't manage it, let alone feel it.
Many times, for you, the great things that the sky is about to fall are, to others, but the small things like snowflakes in the sky; for you, the good things that make you rejoice may be the regrets that sting others.
I often ask myself:
Is there really no empathy in this world?
Unfortunately, every time I get the answer is yes. "Some people live in tall buildings, some people are in deep ditches, some people are full of light, some people are rusty." Although we never lack people who care about ourselves, many times other people's concern for you is only polite, and the only one who can perceive your own pain is yourself.
02 Not understanding is the norm
Because of the epidemic, there was a sister who had been two years apart and finally came back for the New Year.
But within a few days, she ran up to me and complained:
"How come this older generation of men are like this, the housework is not done at all, and the meal must be brought to them, and sometimes they are one step away from the place where the rice is served!"
I could understand her anger, because when I first went outside and saw more people and afterwards, I couldn't understand the habit of male superiority and female inferiority.
In this regard, I have also asked the female elders what they think of this matter, but I am surprised that they do not feel that way at all.
On the contrary, in their eyes, serving each other food and doing housework is not something that is completely unacceptable.
They also don't think that this is male superiority and female inferiority, but in a family men and women have their own division of labor, as long as the final outcome is good, so do less and do not have to worry about it.
According to her train of thought, I couldn't even refute it.
Later I understood that our lack of understanding of them was because there was a generation gap between us.
In the case of the older generation, the living environment is generally like that, this is the best way for men and women to match, and there is nothing wrong with that. And now, accustomed to equality between men and women, we do not understand the life at that time, let alone make a mistake.
The fault is that we have critiqued life at that time with our current eyes. This is also a lot of you and me, the problem with the body: like to stand in their own point of view, to speculate on others.
But what we don't understand is that not understanding is the norm, as long as the person concerned feels that there is no problem, the problem is ourselves. Many times, we can also use new requirements to demand ourselves, but we can't force others.
There is a saying:
"The needle doesn't get into someone else's body, they never know how much it hurts."
Things don't happen to you, you're always just staying out of it and being a bystander. In the adult world, opinions that are not understood can be retained, but it goes without saying, after all, as long as you can understand yourself and be happy, it is enough.
03 Life is not long, to learn to keep warm alone
There is a friend, because of the special position, when we rejoice and celebrate the New Year, he is the only one who has not worked day and night.
After resting and trying to complain to us, a friend interrupted him before he could finish speaking and said to him:
"What do you mean by that?" I was much more tired than that..."
In the end, the words did not speculate for more than half a sentence, and the two broke up unhappily.
There are friends who blame the friend who interrupted, saying that he has no empathy, indeed. But at the same time, I also feel that the friends who complained also misjudged the weight of the confession.
Suffering is the norm in life, and everyone will have the desire to talk about it for a while, but it is not something to say, but to talk about it every time.
The reason why Xiang Lin is not welcomed by others is not because all sentient beings are suffering, and your complaints have degraded yourself and disturbed others.
I have seen such a word: sensible collapse.
It's frustrating, but it's also very real.
Indeed, there are many grievances in life, and in the end they can only be digested by themselves.
There weren't so many hugs in the cold wind, so we had to put our hands in our pockets. On rainy days, there were not so many umbrellas to squeeze around, and we had to rain alone.
Everyone has their own soldiers and horses. Some people understand that it is lucky, and if no one understands, don't give up lightly. One day, you will brew the sourness in your heart into a sweet wine, and then envy everyone.