▲ Photo / Movie "Manchester by the Sea"
/ In the movie, Lee's negligence kills the child, his wife Randy blames Lee, and the two subsequently divorce. A few years later, Lee meets his wife, Randy, who is remarried, and Randy tells Lee that he has forgiven him. But Lee said he didn't want to forgive himself. /
01.
How to get rid of resentment of the past
If you decide to let go of your resentment and enter a new phase of your life, this article can provide you with a way to do it;
If you think resentment still makes sense for your life right now, this article can give you a new perspective.
Letting go of resentment is easier said than done.
Even if it is difficult, please don't give up hope.
Resentment is closely related to anger. Resentment is a negative emotion that is basically malicious toward someone or something in the past. Resentment is a re-experience of past injustices — real or perceived — and the old anger associated with it. Resentment arises when people are angry with someone, an institution, or a situation, and hold that anger firmly.
Some people have held grudges for years and refused to let go. Over time, they may have forgotten the original causes of anger and resentment, but resentment remains, like the still smoking embers left behind after the flames are extinguished. The fire is no longer raging, but the embers are still hot and in danger of rekindling until it is extinguished.
As the old saying goes, when you hate someone, you become his or her slave. The stronger the resentment, the more time you spend thinking about it and falling into the anger associated with it. It is a mental, emotional and spiritual bondage. In fact, people with grudges are the most miserable people. As the aphorism goes, "Holding a grudge in your heart is like drinking poison yourself while waiting for someone else to die." ”
Of course, there are times when anger and resentment are legitimate, but they are often built on a distorted belief that others should or must act the way you want them to. Whenever the situation does not go against your wishes, you make yourself angry or resentful, then you are actually letting others control your feelings. This is similar to using a remote control to change TV channels. If your feelings depend on the behavior of other people, you are giving them the power to control your emotions remotely.
There are specific actions you can take to deal with emotions of anger and resentment in a healthier and more beneficial way.
▲Photo/ Movie "Unfinished Life"
/ The protagonist Aina's son dies of daughter-in-law Joan's negligence, and an angry Aina is unable to forgive Joan, and many years later, Joan takes her daughter Greif hoping to get Aina's forgiveness. /
02.
Resolve the pain of the heart
2. 1
Understand your emotions
Face your emotions and be true to yourself. Ask yourself if this resentment is only related to past hurt, but not to someone or situation in the present. Acknowledge your anger or resentment, but don't get caught up in it.
Anger sometimes seems like a remedy for feelings of powerlessness: it makes you feel stronger. Keep in mind, however, that feeling goes away. Reduce your focus on anger and focus on healing your hurt emotions.
Try to keep a journal that records your emotions in a certain situation. Instead of writing about anger, focus your attention on the hurt itself. Write down your feelings and think about whether something similar has happened before. Maybe you've grasped the pain of the past, and this pain is being expressed and magnified by you at this moment.
2. 2
Practice thorough acceptance
Complete acceptance means accepting life's conditionality; it means allowing rather than resisting things you can't change. We may not be able to choose pain, but we can choose the attitude towards pain. By saying "this isn't fair" or "I'm not worth it," you're denying the reality you're in and trying to cover up the truth.
Complete acceptance means transforming the idea of resistance into an idea of acceptance. "That's my life now. I don't like it, and I don't think it's good, but it's my reality and I can't change what I can't control. ”
Practicing radical acceptance in small things will help you to fully accept larger, more painful situations. You can practice complete acceptance when traffic is congested, when you're lining up at the grocery store, when you're spilling oil on the carpet, and when you're waiting for a doctor for a long time.
2. 3
meditation
Doing meditation practice is of great benefit to you. Meditation can increase positive emotions, reduce stress, cultivate your loving heart, and regulate your emotions. Meditation can help you overcome emotions of anger and resentment and replace them with love and empathy. The more you practice meditation, the more benefits you get.
Compassion meditation helps to practice love and empathy. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and say something to yourself, for example, "I want to send myself unconditional love." Next, say it to someone you feel neutral about (like a salesperson or someone next to you). Then, say this to the person you resent. Finally, say this to all sentient beings ("I want to send unconditional love to all sentient beings"), and now, think about how you feel. Are you still nervous about that person?
2. 4.
Practice empathy
When you're angry, it's hard to see things from someone else's perspective. However, empathizing with the person who hurt you can help you understand the situation and alleviate your pain. The more empathy you experience, the less resentment you have in your life.
Remember, even if you make a mistake, you still want to be accepted. Remember, all people want to be accepted, even if we all have our own challenges.
Try to see things from someone else's point of view. What happened to that person? Is he in a maddening predicament? Understand that everyone has personal struggles that they have to deal with, and sometimes those struggles leak out in other relationships.
2. 5
Love yourself unconditionally
No one can make you feel loved and accepted at all times, except yourself. Remind yourself that you are precious and lovely. If you have high standards for others, there's a good chance you have high standards for yourself as well. When you make mistakes, are you particularly yourself? Take a step back and think about it, and remember to always love yourself and appreciate yourself.
Trying to love yourself starts with practicing the phrase "I can love and be loved with all my heart." Practice saying this and it will start to affect the way you see yourself.
03.
Eliminate resentment
3. 1
Avoid retaliation
You may occasionally think of revenge, and you may even have started planning, but don't put it into action. Revenge is a way for people to seek justice, but if the cycle of revenge continues, the pursuit of justice can lead to more injustice.
Don't act impulsively, wait until you calm down and control your body and emotions. Once you get rid of the impulsive mindset, the feeling of revenge is likely to disappear.
If you're going to talk to someone you resent, don't say anything that makes you regret when you're emotionally agitated or when you want revenge. It's not worth it at all.
3. 2
Have realistic expectations of others
Remember, no one person can meet all your needs. If you think having a partner or a friend or family member will meet all your needs, think twice. Excessively high expectations will frustrate you.
Resentment arises when expectations are not expressed. Discussions of expectations and aspirations help to clarify current issues and avoid future pitfalls.
Have clear expectations of the people in your life. Talk to the people in your life about each of your standards and expectations for the relationship.
3. 3
Use the "I" statement in the discussion
When you discuss your resentment with someone else, don't put all the blame on him. Instead, state your own feelings and experiences, and you can't tell someone what their motivations are for acting and why they are doing things, because you simply can't make that judgment for others. You can only focus on yourself, your hurts, and your experiences.
Don't say "You ruined our relationship and I'll never forgive you!" Try saying, "What you're doing hurts me so much that it's hard for me to let go." ”
3. 4
Allow others to make mistakes
Sometimes it's hard to admit that you have flaws and blind spots, and you don't always face problems in the most constructive way possible. This is true of all sentient beings. If you want others to forgive your mistakes, then be equally polite to the people in your life. Remember, the person who hurt you is flawed and survives in narrow ideas or distorted perceptions.
Acknowledging that people make mistakes doesn't mean forgiving them for their actions. This means that you allow yourself to see the backgrounds and experiences of the people around you to help you better understand them.
3. 5
Engage with positive people
Reach out to positive people in your life who will support you and let you make your own decisions. They allow you to make mistakes but still support you. Socialize with honest friends who give you a new perspective when you're stuck in trouble and speak up when you overreact.
No matter what mistakes you make, good friends will accept you; in the same way, being a good friend means accepting others when they make mistakes.
3. 6
forgive
You may resent others for being betrayed or for other just reasons, which makes forgiveness an almost impossible thing to do. However, forgiveness doesn't mean pretending that things didn't happen or that you have to make excuses for the person's behavior. Forgiveness means that you give up the pain that that person has brought you.
Ask yourself who or what situation has irritated you and hurt you deeply. Have you experienced abandonment, being battered, or reliving sad memories from the past? It's likely that the person has uncovered the scars deep inside you.
You don't actually need to verbally forgive people. You can forgive those who have left you or have passed away.
One way to practice forgiveness is to write down the events and then write down why you chose to forgive. Burn the paper over a low flame (be on the safe side).
▲Photo/ Movie "Inception"
/ In the film, Robert Fisher resents his father and wants to give up the family company to stand on his own, and the protagonist, Daum Cobb, implants an idea for Robert Fisher to make Robert Fisher forgive his father. /
04.
Let go of the past
4. 1
Don't let negative thoughts blind your mind
Allow yourself to express emotions, but don't dwell on it. Negative thoughts are unhelpful because they distract you from the positive side of life and make it harder for you to let go of the past. Negative thoughts torture your brain with self-defeating thoughts and deprive you of the right to live a happy life.
When a negative thought crosses your mind, direct your brain away from it. Instead, look at the positive things you get from one experience. Willie Nelson perfectly explains the power of positive thinking:
"Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you start to produce positive results."
4. 2
Learn from your experience
Draw positives from past experiences. Learn from experiences and you'll know more about yourself and know what makes you happy. Maybe you find that you don't enjoy certain activities anymore, or maybe you know who your true friends are. Now you know not to attend those events, or to spend time with your true friends and throw away your bad friends. By using these experiences effectively, you will have a clearer understanding of what constitutes a happy life.
4. 3
Stop being a victim
When you get into the victim's state of mind, you will find that all your thoughts lead to past trauma. Your mind will be haunted by these thoughts, and you will find yourself always thinking that everything will work against you.
Of course, this is not the case, because you control your destiny. You shouldn't think about it because you've failed before and now you're going to fail. Instead, remember that you can control your life without having to be a victim.
4. 4
Don't wait for an apology
True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for all that I've been through." Oprah Winfrey (host of the American show Oprah Talk Show, Time Magazine's 2018 World's Most Influential Person)
The best lesson you can learn in life is to forgive and forget. Maybe the other person is wrong and he or she should apologize, but waiting for an apology won't help you. In the end, the only thing you will hurt is yourself because you haven't let go of the past
Focus on moving forward because what has happened has been left in the past. You may wait for the rest of your life without getting that apology, but your time is wasted. Don't let someone else's mistakes stop you from living a happy life.
4. 5
Expand your perception of yourself
You've faced your past and moved on, so it's time to divert attention from yourself. It's a time to get to know yourself better and learn how to be happy. Get out there, take on new activities, don't be afraid to take risks, and learn things that interest you. Knowing who you are and what you want from life will make you happier in the long run.
4. 6
Forget the past and live in the present
"The secret to physical and mental health is not to mourn the past, to worry about the future or to foresee difficulties, but to live wisely and seriously in the present." Buddha said.
The idea of "living in the present" is that you should live in the present, not in the past. Looking back on the past will not yield anything, because what has already happened cannot be changed. So, don't look back at the past, look at the present, the moment you're in right now. You won't live this minute anymore, so you should make the most of it.
Look around at this moment. Listen to other people's conversations and focus on yourself and what you're doing.
Finally, leave the past behind, the past is a foregone conclusion and you can't change it. Now focus on the here and now and your own happiness. Choosing a positive attitude will allow you to live a happy life.
▲Photo/ Movie "Room"
/ Girl Joey was abducted by a man named "Old Nick" and later imprisoned by him in a shack in the backyard of his house for seven years. During this time she was raped and gave birth to her son Jack, a screenshot of the scene after the mother and son were rescued. /