【Article/Observer Network Columnist Wang Xuqing】
The 2018 homecoming record "Stranger" tells many stories about what happened after my grandmother Runhua married Guanzhong from Chengdu. In that narrative, Runhua and Guanzhong have been running together for more than fifty years, and still can't get rid of the doubts and pain brought to her by cultural contradictions.
I said at the end: "Runhua has spent most of her life in Guanzhong, but she has never really entered the world of Guanzhong people. She has been trying to be recognized by Guanzhong society, but she has always been unable to do so. This is not the most cruel, the real cruelty is that she can't come in Guanzhong, she can't go back to Chengdu, she has become a stranger in this world. Even if she met God, God did not save her, she still had to live in the cracks, in doubt. This is Runhua — neither a Guanzhong person, nor a Chengdu person, neither a city person, nor a rural person, she is a foreigner. ”
After four years, Runhua is 87 years old, and her story has changed. Four years ago, runhua without her husband and son, even if her heart was higher than the sky, she would still be sad and panicked and suspicious when faced with Guanzhong who did not accept her. And four years later, Runhua's sadness was gone, the doubts were gone, and the things that had plagued her for more than fifty years suddenly disappeared. Runhua no longer asked me for her happiness, but often couldn't help herself, pulling me to repeatedly tell me about her happiness and satisfaction.
I suddenly realized that Runhua was no longer the stranger I had known before. Although there were still all kinds of contradictions in her body, the contradictions did not tear her apart anymore, but began to be overtaken by some kind of blessing, so that they carried her to the other shore of peace of mind.
Runhua's dream
At the root of the year, Runhua hurriedly called for his grandson to go home and ask him to pick up the ancestors quickly. Because she was dreaming again.
"I dreamed that your uncle (Runhua's husband's eldest brother), on crutches, knocked on the floor and said why he hadn't been fed, and there were no eggs yet." Dreaming of your grandfather (Runhua husband), leading a woman with a big belly back, saying that she wanted to divorce me. I refused, and as soon as he pushed me away, I fell into the ditch next to me and struggled to climb out. ”
Strange to say, every New Year's Festival, Runhua always dreams of "ancestors". As soon as she dreamed, she would ask her grandson or eldest daughter to go to the grave, or invite her ancestors home, or burn incense on paper for her ancestors. This year is no exception. For Runhua, the ancestors seem to have become some kind of symbol, even if she lives during the day, the "ancestors" will still lurk in the dream and push her into the water again and again. Runhua believed in God, and could not go to the grave, nor could she worship the ancestors according to the rules of Guanzhong. Whenever the grandson or eldest daughter comforted her ancestors for her, she could sleep.
This year, when I happened to be at home, I was going to "please the ancestors" with my two cousins. I have never invited an ancestor, first, women can not go to please, and second, conditions do not allow. Fortunately, the rules are not so strict now, and I have a chance. Before leaving, Runhua deliberately took a broom for me to take with her, saying that she did not need to borrow someone else when cleaning the yard in front of the old house. I thought it was funny, isn't it just a broomstick, why is it? But Runhua insisted that I take it, so I took it with me.
When I posted the Spring Festival league in the old house, I laughed with my eldest cousin. He said that my grandmother did not let me bring a broom, saying that I did not need to borrow someone else's. The eldest cousin ignored me, but said that the last time he came to clean the house with his aunt and uncle, he wanted to find a broom from the neighbor, but none of them were willing to borrow him. "This is the people in this village." That's when I realized my ridiculousness.
After that, we went to ask the ancestors, and when we were about to reach the grave, the second cousin said to me, "Don't get out of the car later." I said yes. He probably thought I didn't understand, and added that women couldn't go. Yes, women can't go, let alone I'm still a granddaughter. In fact, since my grandfather died, I have not been to his grave. It's been seventeen or eight years. I watched my two brothers get out of the car with incense candles, and the figure disappeared into the woods on the winter loess mound, and his eyes were red for a moment.
On the way home, the second cousin sat in the back with the incense he lit. The sun is out. The smell of incense soon spread. A few young men passed by the window who had gone to pick up their ancestors. I don't know whether it felt like the ancestors incarnated in the smoke with us or how, the three of them didn't say anything along the way. I suddenly remembered that when I was four or five years old, my grandfather always led me to find my two older brothers, and my uncle had taken me down a similar slope on a motorcycle. In the blink of an eye, we were already about 30 people.
Poor man or blessed man
Speaking of back-up flowers. I previously thought that the main contradiction after Runhua married Guanzhong came from not giving birth to a son for Lao Yang. After Lao Yang and Xiao Yang left, Runhua's situation became more difficult. As a woman, she did not give birth to a son to the old Yang family, which is the basis of no life. As an old woman, she does not have a husband to support her son to retire, which is no place to live. However, as a Chuan sister, after reading books for several years, Runhua did not believe in this set of etiquette rules for settling down and living. Didn't give birth to a son, so what? If you lose your son and husband, you won't be able to live a good life?
In this way, there is a strong contrast between the expectations of society and the actual reaction of Runhua. When everyone regards Runhua as a "poor person", Runhua does not feel pity for herself. She did not cry, did not complain, did not pity herself, nor could she receive the words of others who pitied her, but instead tasted the taste of looking down on and not being accepted in these kind and condescending "pity". This "misreading" made Runhua rebel, and therefore believed in God, desperately pursuing equality and independence.
In the story of "Foreigner", a strong cultural collision has made Runhua struggle in the cracks. In fact, the rules of Guanzhong and the expectations of society will not change in the slightest because of Runhua's inadaptability and non-cooperation. Runhua will not easily get the exemption of society because of its maverick behavior, and get a special ticket to enter the world of "ancestors". Aside from the "poor man," this society didn't leave her a place. If she doesn't recognize it, she can only be a heart-frying stranger. God couldn't save her.
Therefore, at that time, whenever Runhua dreamed of her ancestors, she was always restless and panicked. Although the conscious consciousness tells her over and over again that her son is not the root of life, the subconscious mind always summons the ancestors, asks her in her dreams why she did not have a son, and every time she becomes an abandoned woman. The dream magnifies the tension between Runhua and the real world, forcing her to confront social identities that she does not approve of but that repeatedly hurts her to the point of repugnant her.
Unexpectedly, this year, dreaming of the ancestors again, Runhua did not bother. When she told us about the dream, she not only did not have the slightest trepidation or uneasiness, heaviness and worry, but also laughed to herself. In just four years, what happened to Runhua?
At first, I thought Runhua was old. As the physical function continues to decline, getting up and walking, cooking and washing, communicating with people, and so on, these small things have become very difficult. I thought runhua had finally had to learn to bow her head, not to be stubborn, and not to be calculating. But it didn't take long for me to find that what changed was not runhua, but the environment in which runhua was located.
Since the last time she had surgery, Runhua has been living alone in the house left by the old man in the city. Over time, the neighborhood of the compound became acquainted, the old sisters of the past often went to see her, and the old ladies of the neighbors would always stop by to sit at home. Runhua's house thus became a distribution center for gossip among the old ladies. It is in this special communication space that Runhua reconstructs its own meaning system and modifies its perception and understanding of the environment.
In fact, in gossip with her old sisters, Runhua found herself changing from a "poor person" to a "blessed person". Although she had lost her husband and son, it seemed that these things were no longer so important. What is important is that in the eyes of others, she has three filial daughters and grandchildren, and she can live freely and independently, which is really enviable. The poor man who used to be a poor man has become the one who is now envied. The bad fate of the past, The Kefkezi, has become the present blessed life, what to have. This is something that Runhua did not expect, and it is also what she has been looking forward to all her life. She was pleasantly surprised to find that she finally no longer had to deceive herself, hide, fight and doubt, and that she was indeed happy.
Therefore, the change of Runhua actually comes from the quiet change of the environment. The half-baked neighborhood relationship in the city, the independent living space of Runhua, the rapidly changing Guanzhong society, and the intensive gossip of the old ladies all combine to produce a wonderful chemical reaction.
It is precisely because Runhua lives alone in the city that so many old ladies frequently come to the door and say that the parents are short. It is precisely because everyone is not familiar with half of life, whether the other party's life is good or bad, miserable or smooth, in fact, it is not so easy to put on the heart. Even if you don't pay attention to your words, there is no need to go to your heart. More importantly, the drastic social changes in Guanzhong in recent years have directly changed the order of the elderly, impacting a series of traditional ethics tied to the "son". In the past, women with sons could live and live, and only then could they have old-age security. But now, the old woman with her son is living a little miserable—the effort is not flattering, and the hope is not still angry. In this situation, if an old man does not have a daughter, it will provoke everyone to sigh and pity. It is also in this situation that Runhua has become a blessed person that everyone envies - there are many daughters, and they can live alone, and they can also talk without scruples, so uncomfortable!
Times change quietly
In fact, Runhua has never been stupid, she knows what guanzhong people think, in her opinion is nothing more than "son preference", "male superiority and female inferiority", "women should have a woman's appearance". But she couldn't blend in, couldn't learn, and didn't agree with it at all. It had become the source of almost all her suffering for fifty years. Even though God barely maintained the order of life when Runhua was awake, she would still be startled into a cold sweat by her ancestors when she dreamed back in the middle of the night.
Because the reality is that even if Runhua can use God to brainwash herself, she can also excuse herself from all worldly responsibilities and etiquette, and even plunge into the circle of catholics, but how should she face the ancestors who suddenly appeared in her dreams? How to deal with the ubiquity of cold eyes, pity and bullying in life? And how do you convince yourself to believe that Jehovah loves her?
Struggling in contradictions, runhua before the fracture can not live anywhere. Today I want to go back to Sichuan to find relatives, tomorrow I want to go to Guangzhou to find my little daughter, and the day after tomorrow I am afraid that my soul will not be peaceful outside, saying that the rural hometown is heaven, and as a result, I returned to my rural hometown and quickly offended the neighbors and the people in the door, and I had no choice but to go to the city to live and could not stand the arrogance of the unit workers, I could not get used to the attachment of the family members of the workers, and I could not untie the knots left by the eldest daughter to her.
It was precisely because Runhua couldn't find a place where she could live in peace. In Guanzhong, she could only be a poor person, whether she went back to the village or into the city, it was this treatment, but she did not recognize it. But in Chengdu, she couldn't go back, and her daughter "sent people under the fence" and "hurt her self-esteem", after all, the church was not home, so she could only be a foreigner who tossed around.
Near the ninetieth century, Runhua changed from a poor person to a blessed person in the eyes of others. Before, it was pitiful because Runhua did not renew the incense for the old Yang family, and even lost his wife and lost his son in old age, not only did he not have the qualifications to enter the "ancestor" ethics, but even the final life security was gone. But now runhua is blessed, blessed by misfortune. Although it is impossible to get the blessing of the ancestors, and there is no son to rely on, but in today's world, where can the ancestors really be blessed? How many sons can be trusted?
With this change, Runhua was completely liberated, she could not be a poor person, nor did she have to force herself to be a foreigner, but she could be a blessed person in name only. The land of Guanzhong finally accepted her. This long-overdue acceptance makes Runhua's words and deeds look different from before.
The first thing that changed was Runhua's reaction to the image of her ancestors. Although the ancestors in the dream are still reminding Runhua that she did not serve and did not continue the incense, Runhua never sat still because of this. Because the dream is just a dream, it will no longer be verified and reinforced by the reality after waking up. And the loosening of reality has given Runhua finally a chance to breathe. The "ancestor" rituals that were imposed on her after marrying guanzhong could finally be regarded only by her as a custom that had to be dealt with. Now Runhua is an envied old lady who enjoys happiness. Dreaming of her ancestors will no longer double the pain of her culture adapting to failure as in the past, but will be light and fluttery, and light can let her tell it to others as a joke.
What follows is Runhua's attitude towards the world. Instead of hanging on the words equality, independence, and freedom all the time, she began to say, "God is love, and love is God." This subtle change is a symbol of the reversal of meaning in the depths of the heart as a blessed person's runhua.
In the past, Runhua wanted to be equal, independent, and free because she hated the poor identity given to her by this society, but she had no other outlet. In the city, she felt arrogance. In the countryside, she encountered bullying. In her daughter's case, she couldn't find a reason to be raised. Only these fashionable concepts learned from God and the Church could sustain her insistence on not bowing her head. Only in this concept is all her actions self-consistent, and her world of meaning will not collapse.
Now Runhua does not have to be so hard to support. She had a pension and was as able to speak in front of the townspeople. She has three daughters to fulfill filial piety, and in the eyes of rural people, it is simply a virtue accumulated in the previous life. The change in status has allowed Runhua to get rid of the mentality of the weak, and she is no longer in direct confrontation with the environment. The people and things that looked down on and bullied her finally stopped stinging her self-esteem and causing her to scream like thunder. After all, if you are not friendly to her now, it must be out of jealousy.
Not only that, but the anti-transfer of status Runhua can't help but show off. Counting the family backgrounds to every old lady who comes to the door, showing the filial piety of the daughters and the achievements of the grandchildren and grandchildren is a reserved program to be staged every day. Planning to return to the old rural house after the weather warms up is only to let those who treated her badly in the past look at how good her life is now. Even my granddaughter, who is rare to go back, has become a familiar object of gossip for the old ladies, and even the red line has been tied to three or four.
It turned out that Runhua was no longer the old lady who loved to toss, and she no longer always wanted to leave Guanzhong, but began to plan how to enjoy her old age in Guanzhong. She was no longer stabbed in the middle of the door, but was touted a little overwhelmed.
These quiet changes have made Runhua rethink her life. If in the past, God was a faith that Runhua could use to confront the culture of her ancestors, and the church was a harbor where she could escape from reality. Now God and the Church are a special aura that makes her safe and transcendent of reality. In this way, Runhua was able to distinguish itself from all the unpleasantness and unfriendliness, and to separate it from all the responsibilities and etiquette related to the Guanzhong tradition, and enjoyed a "cultural privilege" with peace of mind.
When Runhua could only be a poor person, although God plucked her from worldly responsibilities and gave her spiritual comfort, she persuaded herself that she could not change others. How can she not complete the tasks of life and not take on ethical responsibilities? How can you enjoy the care of your daughters without feeling that you are dragging your children down? Just because she believes in God? Runhua, who cannot answer these questions, has nowhere to escape.
And when Runhua became a blessed person, no one bothered to think about whether she used God as an excuse to unload her responsibilities, and no one would think that her daughter's pension was a ridiculous thing, and even the heartless and lungless speech became a blessing, a symbol of good character and no self-suffering and no worries. Runhua can therefore finally give some reasonable reasons for her actions:
It was only a pity that she did not give birth to a son, and she did not worship her ancestors because she was already a child of God. She said what she wanted to say, sang the song she wanted to sing, and lived every day happily because she, as a child of God, wanted to dedicate love and joy to the world. Receiving the care of her daughters is God's arrangement, the apparition of God's love for her. She thanked God for that, but never her daughter. At the same time, it is precisely because of God that she will not feel indebted to her daughters because of the past, and can accept their one-way contributions to her with peace of mind.
What's even more amazing is that Runhua began to answer the ultimate question.
She said, "When people come into this world, they come to wish. ”
I asked, "What do you want?" ”
She danced and said, "My wish is that I can take care of myself and look at you all well, your mother, your aunt and sister-in-law, your brother, you are all good." That's it. All right, I'll be happy. ”
Thinking back to that conversation four years ago, Runhua was hesitant at the time, and she even asked me, "Do you think I'm happy?" And now Runhua is so sure of her own happiness. It turned out that Runhua had never changed. Her understanding of life is simple: she can support herself independently, and her children are doing well.
That's what she thinks and that's what she does. As for whether she has a son or not, and who she can rely on in the future, she has not been very understanding. And for women who have sons but do not work, but only cling to men, she has always been unaccustomed. But for the first fifty years in Guanzhong, she was a freak. A woman without a husband and son to lean on is "really pitiful"; a woman who is sociable and loves to go out and make a living, "what a woman looks like". This chaos and contradiction accompanied her for most of her life, and she also struggled with the land of Guanzhong for most of her life. Now, finally, back to nature.
Runhua, who was blessed by the blessings, was born, and she did not enter that traditional Guanzhong, nor could she have the opportunity to enter again. On the contrary, in the greatly changed Guanzhong society, she became an advanced model in the group of old women, and an example of being able to let go and think freely. In a sense, the changing Guanzhong has fulfilled Runhua, the poor person of the past, ending her life experience as a foreigner, and at the same time producing other poor people, shattering their simple cognition of ancestors and future generations, men and women. The change of the times is so quiet.
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