1
The reason why we are kidnapped by affection is because of control, and there are three basic elements of control, namely guilt, fear and responsibility.
Many times, we are morally kidnapped by others, kidnapped by family affection, because we want to be a good person, in the middle of family affection, this good person is more of a good child, we want to be a good child recognized by parents or relatives and friends.
But unfortunately, sometimes you've spent decades and not been recognized, not necessarily because you're not doing a good job, but it's possible that they simply don't have the ability to recognize others.
It's a bit like children teaching older parents to use smartphones, and at first they learn how to use them well, and then they get angry.
Why get angry? It is because parents can't learn, but parents will say that their children can't teach at all, and they don't have patience, which is exchanged for a bout of guilt for their children.
In fact, parents really can't learn, their inner or their way of life and other aspects are still stuck in decades ago, they have no desire to move forward, and exposure to new things, unknown things will also make parents feel afraid.
So in this situation, you still need to blame yourself or feel guilty, ask yourself if you are not good enough for your parents, whether you are not patient enough, whether it is how, this is actually kidnapped by family affection.
2
The reason why children are kidnapped by affection is because parents have something to ask for their children, but in the middle of this process, parents demand their children in a way that should be.
I had an interesting incident with my father more than 10 years ago.
My father was a very controlled man, and he had absolute power in the house.
Once, when the family was demolishing the house, my father was very stubborn and insisted on removing several old air conditioners in the house.
I consulted with the people who collected the old air conditioner, even if an air conditioner only charged 150 yuan, my father would not want to.
Even if I tell him, "I'll help you install a brand new air conditioner in a new place, smarter." "But he doesn't want to, that's his comfort zone.
In fact, my father is not to save money, because my parents' generation, they actually have a sense of scarcity in their hearts, so that they will hold all their things tightly in their hands, even if it is a garbage, a bag, they also have to be tightly dragged in their hands, they are afraid of loss, and when they are old, many elderly people will project themselves onto the garbage, feeling that they have no contribution to the family.
Then in the middle of the process, he himself feels afraid, feels that he has not contributed, that he is equivalent to garbage, and he is afraid of being abandoned, so he will keep the garbage firmly at home. Hoarding something is actually the feeling of not being abandoned.
And on the other hand, he has been showing himself to the outside world that he is a thrifty and thrifty person, which is his self-image, the ideal image.
So I'm going to throw away the useless stuff he's hoarding, or give him a suggestion, and he'll be in a hurry with me.
So it was difficult for my father to face problems in a rational way, a way I compromised, or a way of discussing with me.
Because when people protect their self-esteem or protect their narcissism, they will do whatever they want.
At that time, my father must have had an emotion that had reached the extreme, and at this time people would lose their rationality, so it was useless to talk to him.
We all know that asking someone to remove the air conditioner is also to pay, because my father was very angry about this matter, and he had to personally dismantle the external machine of the air conditioner.
It was a very dangerous thing, and I was afraid, and I was worried, so I tried to persuade my father to give up, and then my father got angry, and he said to me, "You can't tear it down, you don't tear it down and you leave." ”
I was sad at that moment, and my father threw me out of the house he had built.
But if I think about it, if I did go, it wouldn't be like when I was kicked out of the house by my father when I was a child, and I continued to argue with him, and soon returned to the original conflict between me and him, and my mother would be difficult to do.
I thought for a moment and said to my father, "Well, if you decide to insist, you insist, I have other things, I am going to be busy, I am really gone." ”
But at that moment, I did not leave in a negative mood, nor did I run away from home, nor was I driven away by my father, but I chose to go.
Then I did go, but I was still worried, so I didn't go far, just nearby where he couldn't see me, but if something happened I could rush over right away.
Then nothing happened, I actually went home, and in the evening I called my mom and asked, "What happened to the air conditioner after I left?" ”
My mom said, "Your dad is funny, he climbed up and screwed a screw, and then he caught fire again, and finally called another one to sell the air conditioner, and by the way, the air conditioner was also sold to the person." ”
I laughed, and so did my mom, and she said, "I already know why I have to suffer like this, and you must never mention air conditioning to your father again." ”
I said, "I won't ask him when I go back, and if he doesn't take the initiative to tell me, I won't ask him." ”
We didn't talk about it, I didn't ask him how the air conditioner was handled, and he didn't tell me anything, which became a tacit matter between our father and son.
3
In fact, my father was also kidnapping me, making me a responsible, filial son who listened to him. But in this case, I didn't really accept it, I didn't rebel against him, I just made a choice. Choice is important.
The reason why I wasn't kidnapped was because I made a choice, but after I chose it, I had to bear the price, and that price was that I was worried there, and I would have some little guilt, but I wouldn't say that I did something wrong, I wouldn't blame myself, I wouldn't blame him, in fact, this is a very basic sense of boundary between his family, because he is also responsible for some of his own actions, I can't be a flattering child, right?
So when we give up the desire to be a good child, when we give up this narcissistic state of being a good child, when we give up trying to please our parents or to please our friends so that they think they are thirsty, something will not exist, and that's it.
So how to resolve the kidnapping of family affection?
Don't try to tell your parents when you're an adult, "You're kidnating me, you're trying to control me." "Your parents have 1,000 ways to treat you, and you're going to make yourself uncomfortable too."
The best way is to be right about something, and this emotion is the emotion that your parents treat you in this matter and let you cause emotions.
As for dependence and anti-dependence, if you are dependent on each other, you must be controlled by the other party.
Kinship kidnapping is more due to a familiar form of control.
In the end, the reason why we will be kidnapped is that we have been trying to be a good person, or a good child, eager to be recognized, then we have to change, or to get the other party's approval through some way, which will only make us return to the original repetitive process, without any meaning.
The best way for us not to be kidnapped is to make a choice, not to oppose each other, not to argue with each other about whether it is right or wrong, and then tell the other party that you are kidnapping, controlling me, and trying to change others, and ultimately it is a choice we make.
Sometimes roles are a choice, patterns are a choice, relationships are a choice, and how you deal with these things is also a choice.
In any case, I hope that this kind of kinship kidnapping will give us less confusion or entanglement in our lives.
If your family really loves you and your loved ones love you, then they will respect your choice. If they don't love you, accept the fact that they don't love you and love yourself well.
About the author
Hu Shenzhi is a relationship psychologist. One of the 50 most influential psychologists in China.