Until the 1980s, wedding officiating people asked the bride and groom to make love vows by asking questions. "Are you willing to accept this man as your husband (the woman becomes your wife), and from this day forward love and respect him, whether it is a blessing or a curse, a nobleman, a health, or a disease, until his black hair turns into a green whisker?"
Love vows at wedding ceremonies, not just spectacles. In front of a group of relatives and friends, they will not say "first look at it, and if you really can't do it, you will divorce", but you will say "love each other for a lifetime". Because when we get married, everyone hopes that love can last forever, and they believe that it will be so. The reality, however, is that a significant percentage of people who marry end up divorcing.
Why is that? Many people will simply interpret it as being united by love and now separated by not loving. But the truth is far from simple. Marriage is not just an emotional issue for two people. If there are children, even if the two people have no feelings, there is still a need to maintain an intimate relationship. Even without children, the lives of each other are intertwined during marriage, and there are too many connected parts, and it is possible to maintain the marriage in each other's interests.
If two people divorce just because of emotional problems, the damage is immeasurable. At the same time, although there is now a lot less prejudice against divorce than before, it is still inevitable to be suspicious of the eyes of others. Therefore, if you can still get by, many couples will choose to be patient.
Even so, there are still people who want to get a divorce, and it must be because they really can't get by. Divorce will hurt the children, will be discussed by the people around them, and the relationship with relatives of the in-laws or in-laws, as well as spouses and friends, will also be broken. But if you feel that these are nothing compared to the pain of married life, then you can only divorce.
This is not only because the feelings have faded, but also because marriage brings hatred, anger, and even humiliation. Love was dead and alive, and now I really want the other person to die. The pain is so great, between marriage and divorce, what the hell is going on?
There are a lot of people who say that divorce is because of personality incompatibility. In fact, personality incompatibility does rank first in the list of reasons for divorce. But if we compare personality incompatibility with other causes of divorce (e.g., financial problems, infidelity, domestic violence), we find that the meaning of personality incompatibility is rather vague.
We can't take it literally, i.e. think that divorce is due to character inadequacy. We only need to think about it a little bit to understand that if it is just personality incompatibility, people will not choose to endure the practical and psychological pain of divorce. We have different personalities with our parents and siblings, but don't we still live together? What about friends?
Friends will not break off friends because of personality incompatibility. Personality discord is just an external statement, and the real reason for the couple to divorce is that the anger against each other has reached an irrepressible point, so they would rather bear all kinds of harm than divorce.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="6" >why do lovers become enemies? </h1>
Most people in the marriageable period are hesitant to get married. This is caused by a variety of reasons. First of all, the economic factors cannot of course be ignored. Housing prices are ridiculously high and jobs are not stable. In addition, the higher demands on the spouse are also the reason why it is difficult for people to find a marriage partner.
In the past, as long as you have a good or stable job, you can find a marriage partner, but now it is not only necessary to look at academic qualifications and family background, but also the personality of the individual has become a necessary condition. Be gentle, be honest, have a clear life plan, and have the conditions to be a good dad or a good mom. I often wonder if anyone can meet all of these conditions.
Because of this marriage barrier, there are many people who want to get married who are still unmarried.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="9" > why are you in love with him? </h1>
What kind of people will we fall in love with? On the subject of love, many psychologists have done research and put forward many theories and propositions. Among the many studies, let's first look at the findings of the social psychology field on attractiveness.
The first thing I want to point out is that the so-called social psychology, as a branch of psychology, does not explain the human heart and behavior at the psychological level of consciousness or subconscious, personality or motivation, but is based on the influence of the society in which people live (environment, culture, etc.). Through various studies, social psychologists have discovered several laws by which we are attracted to love, the laws of attraction.
The first item of the law of attraction is proximity, which means that the closer you are physically, the more likely you are to fall in love with each other.
Proximity, while important, doesn't mean that you can fall in love with anyone who is nearby. The second law of attraction is appearance, which is physical attraction.
The third is similarity. Similarity refers not only to appearance, but also to values, region, race and skin color, hobbies, religious beliefs, etc. In other words, people will develop a good feeling for people who are similar to themselves.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="13" > love and hate</h1>
There is a theory that can explain human emotions and motivations called the "opponent process."
The theory of the process of opposites holds that when an emotion disappears, it is not to return to the intermediate state, but to produce emotions that are opposite to the previous ones. At this point, the intensity of the emotions before and after is the same. That is to say, if the emotional intensity is small at the beginning, the opposite emotional intensity that follows is also small; the emotional intensity at the beginning is large, and the opposite emotional intensity that follows is also large.
Like the sinusoidal curve in mathematics, the higher it rises, the lower it goes. The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment, the deeper the love, the deeper the hatred, and the same is true. That's why love can easily turn into hate, and it's also the paradox of love.
If love turns to hate, you can just break up, but why can't people let go easily? That's because you choose each other, and if you give up, you will feel shame. So even if you sacrifice yourself, even if you oppress the other party, and want to prove that your choice is correct, you can't give up lightly.
Whether it's a divorce or a breakup, ending a relationship not only hurts the other person, it also means admitting your own failures. Therefore, many people have maintained unhappy marriages for more than 20 years, and they cannot divorce, and they have to go to the point where they can no longer tolerate the fire and water, and they have to separate.
If you want to get a solution to the paradox of love that breeds love from hate, read the book "Mothers Who Understand Psychology Are Amazing".
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Today's topic: How do you deal with all the changes after marriage?
#婚姻与家庭 #