Text/Jing Xiaoxian
Why do 80% of people think that marriage is the graveyard of love?
Qi Wei said in a variety show: "I feel that it is better to get married than to fall in love", but most people's experience of marriage is the opposite of Qi Wei's feelings, believing that marriage is the graveyard of love. And around you and me, most of what we hear in my ears is also a chicken feather of marriage, and the idea of getting by and getting by, why did the person who was in love in the first place disappear when he entered the marriage love?
Some people say that it is not that love has disappeared, but that love has become affection, I actually do not agree with this sentence, for marriage, a person is not related to you by blood, no matter how can not produce affection, when the marriage comes to an end, do not love, the original family affection you thought, may hurt you the most, you have since become the most familiar stranger. What we think of as affection, in essence, is actually a habit, a need to be satisfied, who is more satisfied, who leaves more pain, and this satisfaction, not acceptance, may also be giving.
For example, some time ago I heard a true story, saying that a man has been good to his wife for decades, and suddenly there is no sign of an iron heart to divorce, women are extremely miserable, because women are used to men's goodness, men have raised women into waste, women here are satisfied to develop habits, once the habit is gone, it is difficult for women to come out.
In addition to the satisfied party, the paying party is actually within the needs of being satisfied, for example, a wife puts all her mind on her husband, unreservedly good to her husband, and then the husband cheats one day, and it is difficult to get out of this blind payment.
In marriage, love is a two-way verb, not simply giving and taking, and it is not blindly satisfying self-needs, in the book "7 Journeys of a Happy Relationship", the author Andrew M. G. Marshall said, "Love can be repaired, but you have to know how to express love, manage love and repair love." ”
If the marriage is tasteless, it can rekindle the fire of love in 7 steps
In the essence of human nature, loving only one person in a lifetime is contrary to human nature, people yearn to enjoy, there are seven deadly sins buried in their bones, and some people can restrain human nature with virtue and thus self-discipline. And when someone is at a low point or suffers some negative impact, it is easy to give up the bottom line, succumb to human nature, and release the seven deadly sins in the body, so the environment can affect a person's disposition, the more you praise a person's good, the better he may be, the more you say that a person is not good, obviously he himself has no bad heart, but the more he is said, he does not do something bad, he feels a loss.
Marriage is the same, ask yourself, how much time do we praise the other half of the time in marriage? Or have you never praised it? I agree with a sentence on Douyin, you don't play to praise your husband and wife, there will be others who play to praise your husband and wife, how the ending is, I think we can all predict.
China's divorce rate is getting higher and higher, the fundamental reason is that at the beginning of marriage, most people are going to marriage because they feel love, rather than understanding love, if you want to be like Qi Wei, marriage is better than love, we can learn the "7 Journeys of Happy Relationship" book, rekindle the way to love. The author of the book is a marriage therapist named Andrew M. G． Marshall, he believes that the loss of the feeling of love does not mean the end of the intimate relationship, but it is possible that both parties do not understand love, as long as one party is willing to learn the right way to love, the relationship may return to sweetness, of course, both sides are better.
The first step, love, is a kind of giving that leads to a two-way journey, not a unilateral request
Most people don't feel love, or don't love anymore, and one of the biggest reasons may be that they don't understand what love is. What is love, this question I once did a questionnaire survey in class, found that more than 90% of people, love can not be accurately defined. So in the first chapter of the book, Marshall wrote about the way to rekindle love, and the first step was to understand what love was.
In essence, love is a feeling, plus a giving. Love is also a verb, but many of us use love as a passive word, waiting for others to love. Once a person falls into passive waiting for love, the result must be sadness, why? Because as long as there is waiting, there is an expectation that matches the waiting, and no one can meet the expectations of the other 100%, so there is loss and complaint, and there will be doubts about love. So, to get love, or to rekindle love, you must first know what love really is and how it comes about.
The second step, quarrels, is an opportunity to resolve hidden problems, not all bad
Almost everyone believes that an argument will destroy the feelings of two people, but the right quarrel will not only not destroy the feelings of two people, but will deepen the feelings of two people and the confidence of being together. Why? First of all, we need to understand what is the wrong quarrel and what is the right quarrel.
The wrong quarrel is why you failed to do things according to my wishes, why you failed to meet my needs, venting emotions, complaining about the other party's inaction; and the right quarrel, arguing about specific problems, expressing the respective feelings and needs of both sides, so as to think about ways to solve the problem.
Mr. Marshall wrote in the book: "Quarrel is actually the best opportunity to solve the problem, usually may be because of the problem of tolerance and tolerance accumulation, generally will be said at the time of quarrel, if the way of quarrel is wrong, it may aggravate the breakdown of the relationship between the two people, and the quarrel is right, you can freeze the previous suspicion, the relationship between the two people to a higher level." ”
The third step is that love requires a common goal, and a sense of freshness and belonging is constantly increased
How to make two people fall in love? Or is there any way for a couple of people who don't love each other to make them love each other? The answer is yes. In addition to Mr. Marshall's "Seven Journeys to a Happy Relationship", among other scientists who study love, it is found that two people together can go from not loving to loving through a number of methods, and the best way is for two people to achieve a common goal. The premise also needs to be combined with some tricks.
For two people who do not love can use skills to love each other, then for two people who love each other and do not feel love, it is naturally easier to rekindle love. For example, the book introduces five methods, the first is to create a high-quality time together. That is to say, when two people are together, they should do something meaningful and purposeful. For example, the 100 things to do between couples, playing a customs clearance is also very commemorative; second, caring action. We need to pay attention to that is, affirming each other, and all the disappearance of love basically comes from neglect; third, emotional physical contact. Even if you go out every day to hug, kiss, or wake up to sleep on the forehead of a kiss, can increase feelings, and the meaning of the book, to inadvertently use the action to stir the other party's heartstrings; fourth, words of gratitude. According to psychologists, every day to say I love you, after three months will fall in love with each other again, although I have not tried, but I would like to believe it is true; fifth, give each other gifts. Express the importance of the other person in your own heart.
In fact, no matter what method is used, the purpose is to let each other go in one direction and have a common goal. Just like two couples buying a house together, the feelings before buying a house are the best, and then after losing the goal, you will find that the feelings seem to be getting weaker and weaker, because people have no goals, they will divert their minds and energy, and the wonderful setting of common goals can increase each other's sense of belonging, and you can also feel that both parties are a community of interests.
The fourth step, to discover new needs with intimate games, is the secret to keeping love fresh
Intimate games should not be very many in most chinese families, and even I love you, we may not say much. But Mr. Marshall says the best way to heat up love is to play games in addition to common goals to increase humanity's need for freshness and excitement.
The book describes 12 ways to increase intimacy: "Affirm each other, seize chat opportunities, talk to each other, confide in secrets, touch your heart, share, set the scene, let go of the slow love speed, discover new sensitive bands, omit sex, love each other, and try new things." ”
Space is limited, we can't expand them all, but I would like to say that no matter which method, we can try it, do something that we didn't dare to do before, and say what we didn't dare to say before, just like a classic line in "Big Fishing Begonia": "In this short life, we will eventually lose." You might as well be bold, love someone, climb a mountain, chase a dream. ”
The fifth step is to love oneself more than to love each other, to love is full of shackles, and inadequacy is scarcity
I think the fifth step is the most important core point, because most of us give love too full, especially women. The book says, "You are his intimate lover, and you are yourself." ”
But once a woman falls in love, she quickly forgets herself and dedicates all her heart, and eventually the man feels heavy pressure because of the excessive love, and then the supply and demand of both sides are unbalanced, and eventually the feelings begin to slowly crack.
Why do lovers love themselves first? They are bright and vigorous, always attractive, go out are super high return rate, and for their lover, he will live better in you, not in you can live well, such a relationship can be long-lasting, love yourself more than love each other, in essence, one is full of love is overflowing, you yourself are not good, love others must stumble, the second is to love yourself The most important thing is to maintain your own attractiveness.
Sixth, love is a transaction that satisfies each other's needs, not a one-way street
Any one-way outcome may not have a good ending. If love is analyzed from rational thinking, it is actually a transaction, which may be utilitarian, but this is the case. When a man looks at a woman, he either needs beauty, or personality, or family lineage, and so on. The man looks up to a man, either because he is good to himself, or because he is rich, or he is handsome, and so on. If you think about it, the other party has a plan, and the two walk together must be able to temporarily meet the needs of the moment.
But with the growth of two people, if two people can not grow at the same frequency, there will be a situation where one party's needs and the other party cannot meet. For example, one party rises step by step in the workplace, constantly contacting high-end people, the spiritual needs are improved, and the other party is still in place, which can not give each other needs, because each other's needs are different, this is The same as Maslow's needs theory, after the underlying needs are met, they begin to explore higher needs.
This is also the reason why Mr. Marshall asked for learning in the seventh step, the two sides must maintain common growth, the spirit can achieve the same frequency, resonance. Mutual giving of the same frequency can meet each other's real needs.
Grasp the three stages that love must go through, and rekindle the fire of love in seven steps
There are three stages of love, the first stage is called the infatuation period, also called the hot love period, this state can generally be maintained between 18 people and 3 years. The second stage is called the attachment period, the infatuation period belongs to the sentient drinking water, and the attachment period may face the actual chai rice oil and salt, need to solve the problem of bread and milk in life, there is a saying called poor couple Pepsi lament is this reason. But the conditions are not good, in fact, there is a common goal, but also can have the feelings to drink enough, but the premise is that the attachment period is the need to give back to each other, and produce deeper feelings. During the hot love period, a person may unilaterally love and can persist for a long time, but after the hot love, it relies on the feeling of reciprocal giving. The third stage is called the care period, the biggest feeling of the care period is to turn love into affection, and because of too familiar and habitual, resulting in the feeling of the left hand touching the right hand, coupled with the possibility of having children and so on, losing the feeling of hot love and attachment, this time love is relatively easy to go wrong. But as long as we understand the problem and know the cause of the problem, we can solve the problem, afraid that we dare not face it, afraid of losing and choosing to escape, which is the biggest reason for irreparable feelings.
I personally think that if you have a bad relationship with your husband and wife, you can try Mr. Marshall's method, and you won't lose anything anyway. Finally, we end with 18 key words: intimacy, understanding love, infatuation period, attachment period, love period, love three stages, positive quarrel, common goal, intimate game, balance love and self, mutual giving, learning, quality coexistence, creating desire, quality conversation, nourishing love habits, exploring needs, setting scenes, and being yourself
The author of this article: Jing Xiaoxian, an efficient reading monetization coach, the founder of the Mirror Sister Dream Reading Club. Author of "60 Minutes of Efficient Reading", multi-platform original author. At present, it has helped 10,000+ students to get out of the reading misunderstanding and helped 500+ students realize reading monetization.