The famous American educator Tyman Johnson said: "Successful tutoring creates successful children, and failed tutoring creates failed children", from the moment I gave birth to my son, I took this as my mother's motto, and I did not dare to relax at any time.
My father and I were born into poor peasant families and suffered from no money.
When I was a student, I studied hard, got into a fairly good university, got a good job, and was able to get out of the mountains and settle down in the provincial capital Changsha. Whenever I go back to my hometown and see my cousins and cousins who are the same age as me, they have become farmers facing the loess and facing the sky like my fathers.
Knowledge changes destiny, and I benefit from it, so I am particularly concerned about my children's education.
From the very young age of the child, I made a strict study plan for him, down to what time to get up every day, what time to learn English, what time to learn mathematics, what time to go to interest class, what time to sleep... I take care of my life.
When I was young, my son obeyed my arrangements, but in the 4th grade, I fell into a breakdown, and my son began to resent all my arrangements.
I let him get up at 6:30 to read English, every time I don't get mad he won't get up, the quality of learning can be imagined, every time is to cope with me.
I asked him to finish his homework every day when he came back from school, and he had to procrastinate every time: I watched an episode of TV first, I ate first, I played first, and it was almost 10 o'clock, and I was anxious and angry and sleepy there.
Wanting him to read extracurricular books, he talked about the conditions like catching my handle: buy me a toy and I will read it, I will read it when I don't let me write extracurricular homework, I will read it when I take me to the playground...
Every time I saw my son like this, I didn't get angry: "You're not reading for me, you're reading for yourself!" You can't read well now and what can you do when you grow up! ”
My son disagreed, and even more disgusted with my discipline. I found that the more anxious I became, the more my son's grades declined and the parent-child relationship became more strained.
One day, my son's teacher sent me a message saying that he was regressing quickly at school, that he often deserted in class, and that he saw his classmates outside the school gathering to play mobile games. Ask me if something has happened recently that has neglected to discipline him.
The teacher's words were like a blow to me, and I blamed myself and was anxious: My study plan is obviously very scientific, I obviously told him everything, why can't he understand it?
I told my anxiety to my girlfriend who was a middle school teacher, and one of her words made me enlightened: "The task of parents is to ignite the child's desire and interest in knowledge, only if the child is interested, he will consciously and seriously take learning, and your oppressive education will only backfire."
She said that in fact, it is not only children who have to learn, parents should learn more.
At her recommendation, I joined the "Parent Bootcamp", which is also a course attended by many parents in their class, and the personal test is effective.
In the first class, I spat bitterly at the teachers at the boot camp.
How I sacrificed, how my son rebelled step by step to the point of not being out of my control. It is said that a person's childhood determines his life, and I am afraid that I will not educate him well.
The teacher listened to my complaint patiently, he said: "Your problem is a common problem for many parents", let me go to see a movie "Under the Gaslight" after class.
In order to get the girl's property, the male protagonist Anton disguised himself as a person who loved the girl deeply and cheated the girl's feelings to marry him. After marriage, he set the kerosene lamp at home to flicker constantly, and whenever his wife asked him why the lamp was flickering, he replied that it was normal that the lamp did not flicker. Slowly, the wife began to doubt her eyes and feelings, feeling that she had mental problems, and Anton also successfully achieved mental control over her wife."
This is the famous psychological effect: the "gas lamp effect".
Refers to the practice of emotional abuse and manipulation of the victim, causing the victim to lose self-esteem and self-doubt, thereby manipulating the victim's thoughts.
The "gaslight effect" in life is too common, recall whether such a scene is familiar:
"6.30 in the morning is the time when people have the best memory, you have to click up to learn, I am for your own good"
"I said it was cold today, you have to wear more clothes"
"This dish is good for the body to eat, eat it for me, otherwise don't eat in the future"
"This question has taught you countless times, why don't you?"
What is even more despicable is that in the face of their children's resistance, many parents are quietly expecting their children to fail, in order to prove the correctness of their own statements and try to control their children reasonably.
In the long run, children will become inferior, have no opinions, and the internal trust system will collapse. They are completely dependent on their parents, losing the internal drive to active learning, saying and moving. And when he has his own opinions, he will become very rebellious, not only self-doubting, but also doubting his parents.
I regret that it was my self-righteous control over the years that was ruining the child little by little. So when he had a little bit of self-awareness, he started rebelling against me, and if I continued to discipline, the consequences would be even worse.
Immediately after, on my question, the teacher gave me very professional guidance.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > one: to turn education into "blockage" to "slack"</h1>
"Blocking" is very common: "this is not right", "you can't do this", "No...", "If you do this again, I will..."
Practice has proved that setting up "blocking" everywhere is often counterproductive, and "slacking" is the correct education:
1: In the face of children's bad habits, the first thing is not to stop, but to communicate with a peaceful and equal attitude
"You see today you've been watching TV for 15 minutes, and we still have homework in the evening, but it's really exciting for me to watch this TV, so you can watch it for 10 minutes, and we'll watch it tomorrow?"
When I said this, the child looked at me in surprise, my gentleness also infected him, and then less than 10 minutes later, the son consciously turned off the TV.
A short sentence not only establishes a reasonable image, but also gives the child time for psychological construction, and at the same time obtains the child's self-reflection with "concessions", which is more effective with half the effort.
This was the beginning of my equal communication with my child, and it was also the key to my son's change later.
< h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" >2: Replacing "compulsion" with "guiding" is the key to cultivating interest</h1>
In terms of learning, my son's language has always been a headache for us, especially the diary is like "torture" to him. The composition class has been reported, but the child does not like it, and the daily diary is a running account like a toothpaste, which will not exceed 100 words.
One day, I found that my son's diary had written a whole page, because he took him to a science and technology museum that day, and he listened to my opinions and recorded what he saw and heard.
That night, I sent a WeChat message to his Chinese teacher, telling the teacher that the child's attitude of completing the homework this time was very good, the diary had made great progress, and I hoped that the teacher could be a little less strict and give him a good +.
Sure enough, when I came back in the afternoon, my son was very happy, and I quickly praised it while it was hot: "Mom feels as if you have found a way to write a diary, your diary this time is superb in terms of word count and content, and I think your teacher will also look at you with surprise."
Since then, my son has found the key to learning Chinese, and his diary is better than ever.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > two: use "effective praise" and stay away from the "gas lamp effect"</h1>
The most prominent feature of the "gas lamp effect" is to deny, strike, destroy the child's personality and thus establish his authority, and since things have happened, only "effective praise" can turn the tide.
Daily praise, parents are "you are awesome", "you are really good", "very good, there is progress", etc., such praise is too lazy, it is easier for children to have "praise immunity", in the praise can not find a sense of achievement.
The teacher said that the so-called "effective praise" is to see the details of the child's progress, and the more careful the praise, the better.
For example:
Once I found that my son woke up as soon as the 6.30 alarm clock rang, he consciously got up and started reading in the morning. At breakfast, I said in a particularly exaggerated way: "Son, you got up on time today!" If it wasn't for you I would have been almost late. I read it very seriously, I heard that the pronunciation of the picture is very standard this time, do you think about whether the pronunciation standard is also very helpful for the silent writing of words? ”
First of all, praise him for consciously getting up, and secondly praise his pronunciation standards for a word, so that he understands the point of his progress, and at the same time tell the child that your morning reading is a very important thing, and the mother is paying attention.
Such praise makes children feel valued, and at the same time have a sense of superiority in self-transcendence. Later, morning reading became a matter of children's conscious and voluntary completion, and its effect could be imagined.
Of course, the process of change is painful, and it took me a long time from realizing the mistakes of my education to making changes to really reaping the results.
Children do not always feel that I calmly "channel" education, and not every time can listen to my "effective praise", many times I am very frustrated, "I have given in why are you still like this?" But fortunately, I always had teachers around to encourage and help me.
The biggest help for me in the "Parent Bootcamp" is not to help me develop any standard program, and even the best method is not suitable for all children.
The biggest help it has helped me is that I have learned to constantly examine my own problems and be a learning parent.
Children become rebellious, school-weary, irritable, and Internet addiction are not overnight, and it is my biggest insight not to let their habits destroy children.
I recommend the "Wisdom Parent Training Camp - 5 Days to Enhance the Wisdom of The Godson" course that you have learned for a long time, where you can learn effective educational concepts, and teachers can analyze problems one-on-one and guide the program. It is also this class that makes me understand that there are no children who cannot teach well, only parents who cannot teach.
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