It is almost the New Year, and the homework of "anti-marriage urging" is going to be put on the agenda.
What are your best ways to cope with marriage urging? Last weekend, we sent out this call for money and received a lot of real-world experience from practice (you guys have worked hard!). ）
Let's take a look.
01 Do the opposite: take the path of your parents, so that your parents have no way to go
@Anonymous
Go the way of your parents, let your parents have no way to go! I used practical actions to prove that I was more anxious than them, more mobile, constantly find blind dates for myself, constantly complain to them about all kinds of strange characters or the painful experience of being ignored by others, and now my parents have changed to comfort me not to be in such a hurry.
I told my dad that whoever you think is worthy of me will introduce me, and I will see you when you introduce me. My dad loved me to death, and he felt that no one deserved his daughter. Hahahahahahahaha
@Love Orange Shiny
Reverse urging is particularly effective: "Okay, my request is xxxxxx, you help me find it, the next time I go home to arrange it, I will go and meet them." Marry if it's right. ”
In fact, they could not meet these requirements, so they retreated from the difficulty.
▷ Movie "The Leftovers Are King"
02 Active avoidance type: As long as I run far enough, the marriage will not trap me
@Hanhan
It just so happens that there is an epidemic in the workplace in the past two years, and I can't go back to the New Year last year, and I can't go back this year.
Run, run far, run to places where your parents can't reach and don't have acquaintances they know, and live your own life. If the words are pressured, you can respond positively to say that you have decided your own affairs, or you can take care of him.
Most importantly, to understand whether you want to get married or not, why (want or not), solve this fundamental problem, and there are countless ways to deal with your parents.
@Iron Pillar
Just say you're going to go for a PhD.
"Do you have a male ticket?" Are there active dates? ”
"No, no rush. After a while I want to go to a PhD. ”
"How's the work?" Is the treatment OK? ”
"Average. Do whatever you want. Anyway, after a while I want to go to a phD. ”
This question will not be able to continue to be asked, or it will be transferred to "it is not necessarily a good thing for girls to read too many books", anyway, I don't really want to talk to this toxic (toxic) family of origin and relatives who are always in the age of pointing mode to talk about my emotional/private life. Speaking of a PhD also seems to be a great pursuit of life (anyway, if I am unfortunate enough to talk about the future of my career, they will end my brief introduction to my company with "according to my opinion or state-owned enterprises/examination editors").
Life is short. I didn't have a choice before, but now I can hide. (Actually, I'm no longer in China.✌️✌️) ）
@Raven
Stay away. I'm out of town, and as long as I have a way not to live together, if I am chased by the phone, I will divert my attention and wait for her emotions to pass before saying something else. The point is to stabilize their mood can not be biased, this difference in the concept of argument is useless, I think it is not a problem to get married, they feel that not getting married is the failure of life. Since I have decided to stick to my point of view, they do not understand that I am depressed about it, and there is nothing I can do, it is better to produce beauty from distance. It's hard to have it both ways, and I don't regret my choice.
▷ Korean drama "This life is the first time"
03 Rational communication type: turn enemies into friends and pull parents into the same camp
@Mr.right is like
They used to always avoid questions, but they would ask them more often. Still have to communicate well. Tell them I want to find it too, but I have to meet the right person to get married. If you are married but have a bad life, isn't it better to be single? Parents express understanding. After that, I will still ask, but the frequency has decreased. And no longer in a hostile position, I put myself in their camp.
@Endorphins
Talk to your parents about their experiences of falling in love, getting married, and living together to this day:
I talked to my dad about his ex-girlfriend and why he and his ex-girlfriend met my grandparents and why they weren't married.
I talked to my mom about her other blind dates, my dad had such a bad temper, why would he marry my dad, so many years of quarrels and fights regret not.
Maybe they'll think about the deeper issues of marriage instead of staring anxiously at the point in front of them. And temporarily turn their attention to themselves and their memories. I also learned about their past experiences (in fact, we know too little about them as children), and think about how their past marriage experiences have had a subtle impact on me.
@ Z
First, understand your own thoughts and reasons. For example: How do you think about marriage? How do you want to live your life?
Second, the communication is as written as possible, so that my mother can understand what I mean, and it is not easy to bring emotions.
Third, find the key question in my mother's marriage promotion technique, and understand my mother's ultimate concern: Why do you want me to get married?
Fourth, set the facts, be reasonable, and continue to export values:
Is it really unhappy not to get married? Do I have to get married?
How do I see marriage? And my values.
In the end, my mother not only did not urge marriage, but also did not force me to have children hahahahahaha
04 Brain Hole Type: Fake play really do, use magic to defeat magic
When I met the marriage, I said with a shy face, when he leaves me, I will marry.
@m
I cried straight. The whole picture of a man in his twenties crying is very lethal.
I dressed up ugly on all occasions when I ate with my elders and never put on makeup. Even if a do-gooder takes a picture of me at the dinner table and tries to match, no one will ever look at it more.
@Ms. Wu
Yang and yin violated, parents let blind dates, full of promises, and said that it was inappropriate every once in a while. Once someone introduced me to the object through my father, my parents must have wanted me to try, at that time very angry and about to violently refuse, thinking about it is better to try Yang Feng Yin violation, so very cooperatively added WeChat, chatted for two sentences and did not talk again, every once in a while said that it was not appropriate with my parents, broken. The moment I decided to violate the yin and yang, I would not be angry immediately, and my parents would not feel that I was stubborn and stubborn.
@Tuesday Stream
This year my uncle's brother got married. Happy at the same time, I can't help but worry: the people in front of me have fallen, and it's my turn.
In the face of marriage urging, of course, you must use magic to defeat magic. I shared the fortune teller's marriage advice to me in front of all my relatives at the family dinner after my brother's marriage: "You can't get married before the age of 30, and you will leave when you get married." "And made it clear not to urge me to get married, this trick is useless to me."
What was said at the time was as follows:
Emotionally, I believe in fate. After witnessing the happiness of my brother and sister-in-law, I believed in this even more: I watched my brother stumble on the road of pursuing love, and when I saw my sister-in-law, it was really "golden wind and jade dew when they met, they won countless victories in the world." "It all came naturally. (It is also true that my brother was in love and fell in love many times, but all of them ended in failure, and when he met his sister-in-law at the age of 33, he successfully entered the marriage the following year.) Saying this is also to remind my brother, don't get rid of the scars and forget the pain, when you get married, turn the bow of the boat and force me with others. ）
The same fortune teller who had given my brother a fortune teller said that I also belonged to the late marriage type, and once I got married early, I would be divorced, and there was no shortage of divorced people in our family. (A fortune teller once accurately asserted that my brother could not get married before he was 34 years old, and he was really right, so everyone believed in him; our family's marriage had many twists and turns, so we were more sensitive to divorce.) ）
So, I respect the arrangement of fate, work hard before the age of thirty, have my own career, and start a family again. I hope my family will respect my decision and not mention it again. (By then, I had enough ability to live on my own, no longer in a weak position in the power structure, and naturally had more say in my marriage.) ）
As soon as this remark came out, my family, who had originally urged me, turned around and gave me a round play, saying that they would go with the flow. The most fierce father had a dignified face and did not say a word. I am very satisfied with this effect.
05 Show vulnerability: Life is already difficult, mom, you don't have to urge
@30 years old is really good hahaha
In the first half of last year, parents still urged marriage from time to time, and in the second half of the year, because of the recurrence of depression due to some things, they often had to take medicine and receive psychological counseling, and parents found that their children's lives were far more difficult than they thought.
In the past, I always pretended to be very good and did not dare to express a little attack on them, but now I don't want to pretend, and it is necessary for my parents to understand the harm they have done to me in their upbringing.
The matter of marriage urging, as in the past, parents sometimes think of their children not getting married, they are very faceless, their "tasks are not completed" and the like, essentially they still want their children to consider for them. Therefore, in order to express the state of "I am not in a good state now, and it is good to live my current life well", I will intentionally or unintentionally convey my bad condition to them, including my own medical records and so on. They also don't talk to me about getting married anymore.
@liora
I once broke down late at night, directly with my mother, told her that I was very broken, very tired, life has been very difficult, live a lot of things, I also want to be warm, I also want someone to support me, I also want intimate relationships, but her words will only push me on the road of anxiety, I will be cornered, blindly with some men who are not suitable for themselves, to be deceived to be bullied, and then end up with a marriage unfortunate end.
(Again, my cousin, who got married quickly in order to get married and have children, has been single with a baby for less than a year.) Ask her, is this the life you want me to live? If not, you don't push me anymore.
Finally, I have to be emotional: Mom, I can ignore what people all over the world say, I can ignore it, but if even you don't stand with me, even you don't support me, and push me out, I really feel desperate, I feel so lonely, I feel like I don't have a home in this world.
Mom immediately: I will never say it again. I am sorry. Mom will always support you.
📚
From this point of view, "anti-marriage urging" is actually a difficult action that integrates demarcation of boundaries, clarification of values, emotional management, and non-violent communication.
Regarding the response to marriage urging, Consultant He Xiaoming gave 4 tips:
1. Clear values.
Before going home, take the time to think about your thoughts on marriage and love, and clarify your view of marriage and love. In this way, you will not lose yourself in the face of the views that your parents and relatives are disturbing.
2. Define boundaries.
The urging of parents and relatives is often only due to their own anxiety. Establish appropriate personal boundaries and don't have to take other people's views too seriously.
3. Let go of the obsession of persuading parents.
Understand that it is difficult to persuade the older generation to reverse their views. Let go of the obsession of changing others, just like, you don't want them to change you.
4. Seek common ground while reserving differences.
You can have a different view and attitude of marriage and love with your parents, but you can also be a family that cares for each other and enjoys reunion time in other aspects of conversation.
You see, in fact, there is no need to always hold such a hard attitude as "anti-marriage promotion", in the middle of "obedience" and "resistance", there is still a lot of room for maneuvering.
Marriage is not the goal, anti-marriage is not the goal, with an independent attitude to choose and create the relationship you want.
I wish you freedom 🍻!
Cooperative Consultant
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Editor: Lee Crooked
Editor-in-charge: Kuma
Cover image source: unsplash