"Every Child Needs to Be Seen"

26 Escape from vulnerability and lose the opportunity to trial and error

Most learning is achieved through adaptation or trial and error. Children will try new tasks, make mistakes, encounter difficulties, and then draw appropriate conclusions. Failure is a necessary part of learning, and error correction is the main means of teaching. But children who are estranged from their parents mostly run away from vulnerability, which greatly undermines the normal learning process.

The !️ first destructive effect is reflected in the experimental part of learning. Trying something new means there is a risk. Whether it's reading aloud, making an opinion, or going into unfamiliar territory or testing an idea, there is a risk of failure. !️ But most peer-oriented children cannot afford these risks !️...

The second destructive effect is reflected in the ability to learn lessons. Before having the ability to learn lessons, children must realize their mistakes and admit their failures;

To benefit from mistakes, you must first learn to take responsibility, but also to help, advise and correct others, and maintain an accepting attitude.

❌ Children who are estranged from their parents have a strong sense of defense, they are unaware of their mistakes, or they are unwilling to take responsibility for their failures. Such a child, if the test score is too poor and psychologically unbearable, will attribute the failure to other aspects or others. Or, he will be distracted to avoid the problem.

Running away from vulnerable children automatically blocks out what makes them more vulnerable and does not admit their mistakes and failures. For such children, even if the teacher or parent's corrective attitude is very gentle, it will stab their emotions.

(I sometimes turn a blind eye, for example: last night at 8.50 I went home from class, and on the way Yue Yue wanted to eat lamb powder, so I ordered it for her, and this family has a big TV set and is playing TV dramas.) In the process of eating, she said that the hot tv series would be watched, I said "Well, 30 minutes", during these 30 minutes her chopsticks picked up the rice noodles and lifted them high, staring at the TV, the action stopped, the powder fell down and fell into the bowl, splashed the soup, the soup spilled on the table, clothes, Yue Yue was busy wiping paper towels, looking at me while wiping, I looked at her busy, now think about my expression must be very serious, but I didn't say anything. She continued to eat while watching, 30 minutes arrived, she didn't finish eating, I picked up the bag and left)

Correcting the mistakes of such children will only make them more evasive or confrontational with mistakes, at this time, adults will think that this is the child's rudeness, but in fact, this is the child's escape from vulnerability,!! is their self-protection,!! ️ In parenting, seeing the appearance and seeing the heart is extremely important, and it needs to be done !️ with insight

The third destructive effect is reflected in the feeling of powerlessness. Feeling powerless is the essence of adaptive learning. Frustration must be transformed into powerlessness so that the brain understands that some things don't work !️...

But when the child's emotions become cold, they cannot feel the sadness or disappointment caused by failure, and the response is not to learn a lesson, but to vent frustration. As far as the students are concerned, the external target of attack is "idiot teacher" or "boring homework", and the internal target of attack may be themselves, such as "how can I be so stupid" (Yue Yue has had this phenomenon, defining herself as "scum", so, she is shortlisted for the national finals of the Chinese Studies Competition, to pay 3200, to upload home style videos to 680, to buy lessons in the app training related knowledge points, how many specific grades, to participate in travel expenses, accommodation, etc., in view of my current situation, After considering this expenditure with her psychological feelings, the establishment of self-confidence, getting rid of my influence, shaping herself psychologically, the tenacity of her personality is not worth it, which is lighter or heavier, a little bit makes me very embarrassed)!

In any case, they will not turn anger into sadness, and they will not feel the emotions associated with feeling powerless, so they will not change their habits, learning methods, and other obstacles. Children caught in this pattern, once they fail, will lack the ability to deal with it, and any obstacle will trap them and make it difficult to move.

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