For a middle-aged social animal, among the three aspects of work, family and health, work is the first, and as for health, I am afraid that it will only understand its importance after it is truly lost and can no longer be regained.
I used to have an enviable job at an Internet factory, in Beijing, a super metropolis where one-way commutes of 1 and a half hours, I usually get up at 6 o'clock to cook, send my children out of school at 7 o'clock, and then clean up myself, and go out at 7:40 to catch the shuttle. Every day to work, overtime, after work, occupy 14 hours, dinner is impossible to do time, are takeaway solutions. After returning home, it took me another 4 hours to help my son with homework, yell at my husband, and deal with life chores, and the rest of the time was what I had little sleep left.
(In the morning rush hour, young people waiting for commuter cars at Xi'erqi subway station.) Photography / Wu Jiaxiang)
Of course, I also have periodic convulsions, want to work out, and want to lose weight, but due to the limited time and energy, each exercise is three days of fishing and two days of drying nets.
The days went back and forth like this, and I thought life would go on like this until the day I retired.
However, what you think is only what you think. Maugham said that God's millstones turn slowly, but finely. Fate will not spare anyone, nor will it fail anyone.
An illness suddenly struck, unguarded, and my life was completely destroyed and reconstructed.
I resigned, from a contemporary "social animal" to a regular hospital customer, mixed with the patient group, and became good friends with the square dance aunt, and when I reached middle age, I suddenly lived to be my mother.
In early 2018, I inadvertently touched a lump in the upper quadrant of my left chest, pressing it down as hard as a stone, and I vaguely felt that something was not quite right.
But because it is close to the Spring Festival, work is busy, and it is difficult to buy a ticket back to my hometown for the New Year, so I did not care about it.
After the Spring Festival, I ushered in a turning day in my life.
On February 27, 2018, the twelfth day of the first lunar month, it was not cold or smog, and the air in Beijing's warm winter was a little damp, with a little spring breath. My husband, who rarely accompanied me to see a doctor, insisted on sending me that day, and I thought he was being pretentious and just going to take a breast B ultrasound, and we had a doctor friend in that hospital.
The ultrasound results came out quickly, there were lumps on the breasts, and the lumps were very typical: unclear boundaries, irregular shapes, crab claw-like burrs, visible blood flow. The B-ultrasound doctor even pointed to my image and said to the little doctor next to me: "Look, this is called irregular shape!" ”
The doctor and my doctor friends understood that it should be breast cancer that did not run, but at that time, my brain was seriously short-circuited, no matter how they explained, they could not receive any information, they smiled on their faces, but they could not say a word in their mouths...
The following week, my husband accompanied me to two hospitals. In between waiting for the car, I felt very tired and tired, a feeling of powerlessness about not knowing fate and losing control of life filled my heart, my emotions suddenly collapsed, I crouched on the side of the road and began to cry, my husband silently accompanied me, unable to say anything comforting. I think that at that time, he was probably very flustered, just forcing himself to calm down.
The sadness of middle-aged people is that looking at the front and back of the body, there is nothing to rely on, no right to fall.
Later, I met the doctor who had the surgery, and he said to me, "Rest assured, you can keep your breasts, go home and wait for the phone to come to the hospital." His words seemed to have magic, and my heart really let go, accepted the facts, and my brain was clear, no longer so flustered.
The procedure went smoothly.
Postoperatively, the pathology showed invasive non-specific ductal carcinoma, immunohistochemical ER, PR strong yang, HER2 1 + negative, KI6730%, no lymphatic metastasis, is a low-risk Luminal B type, and 21 gene testing was done, the score was very low, the benefit of chemotherapy was not great, only radiotherapy + endocrine therapy was needed. Radiation therapy was originally very easy, but because my white blood cells were low all year round and my bone marrow function was poor, I had to take liters of white medicine to maintain treatment.
During this time, I consulted a lot of information and studied the NCCN (National Comprehensive Cancer Network) breast cancer guidelines from beginning to end. Knowing that the cure rate of early, non-lymphatic metastases breast cancer was as high as 95%, my mentality relaxed a lot, especially after breast conserving surgery, the appearance did not change, and I did not suffer from chemotherapy, so from beginning to end, I did not look at myself as a cancer patient.
By the way, NCCN, full name National Comprehensive Cancer Network, is a non-profit academic organization composed of 21 top cancer centers in the United States, which will release the latest clinical practice guidelines for various malignant tumors every year, which has been recognized and followed by clinicians around the world, and it is recommended that patients and families in need can search for themselves, only by fully understanding the condition, can they sit down to communicate with doctors in depth and develop a suitable plan.
The last day of the radiotherapy was in early summer, I was sitting in the car, the sun was shining brightly, the sky was blue, the cicadas were chirping, the trees were green and the wind was light, and everything was like a dream.
It's all over, right? I don't think there will be a worse time than this, when I make up for the picture after returning to work and returning to the original life track. I even feel a little proud of myself, look, cancer is just like this, nothing remarkable, sister or the original sister!
There is a saying that does not underestimate your enemy, who may be much smarter than you. As I return to my busy work and family chores, cancer cells are quietly gathering strength and waiting for an opportunity to make a comeback.
In the period after returning to work, Internet companies are blowing a storm of retiring employees over the age of 35. 996's working hours have become popular in large factories, and the anxiety of the entire industry is becoming more and more serious.
(Crowded at the entrance of Xi'erqi subway station in the evening peak.) Photography / Wu Jiaxiang)
My leaders took good care of me and specifically told me to work according to my ability, without punching in and working overtime. Yet in such an environment, stress and anxiety are involuntary. Without the work schedule of 996, it is destined not to be an excellent factory social animal. I went from being a core member of a team to a fringe handyman who made up wherever I needed it, and although I worked hard to complete the work, the final assessment score was still at the bottom.
I was really disappointed at the moment when I knew the results of the assessment, and my heart was cold, and I had never been so disappointed in my work for more than ten years. I confided in my husband, and he advised me that instead of being so unhappy, I should leave my job and raise my body first.
Naturally, I was not reconciled. In the words of my parents, they worked hard for me to study for so many years, not to let me stay at home every day and surround my husband and children. Besides, I like this job and the feeling of fighting in a big factory. But I also understand that as an "old man" over the age of 35, I am seriously ill, can't work overtime, and have to take sick leave for three days and two ends, and from the perspective of the company, the core competitiveness of employees like me is too weak. After weighing it up, I decided to leave.
(At night, people waiting for the car on the side of the road in Houchang Village.) Photography / Wu Jiaxiang)
Just three months after leaving, fate gave me another blow: my breast cancer had recurred and metastasized, and the cancer cells were threatening.
Looking back now, in the two years after returning to work, there were actually many signs of recurrence, but they were ignored by me for various reasons.
First, after the end of treatment, white blood cells have been very low, the doctor prescribed me a liter of white medicine, instructed me to eat for a period of time, because of the gastrointestinal reaction, I did not eat for a long time to stop, and because white blood cells have not been able to rise, I will have a cold and fever almost every month, low immunity, giving cancer cells the opportunity to take advantage of.
Second, after radiation therapy, the left chest wall was painful, I thought it was because the knife edge did not grow well, and each review was no different, so I never thought that the cancer cells would do it here.
Third, in the six months before the recurrence, I had a bad appetite, often eating only one meal a day, and the bleeding gums did not get better for a long time. I also had bleeding gums for a long time before the first diagnosis, and washing my teeth and mouthwash didn't work.
The body warned again and again, but I turned a blind eye again and again.
Until the end of December 2020, another fever, severe abdominal pain, vomiting, I curled up in bed, not even the strength to speak, my husband panicked, may think I am going to die, called an ambulance in the middle of the night.
At that time, during the control of the new crown epidemic, I was sent to the fever clinic for three days of fluid injection, took a full body CT, and the 3 cm lump in the chest cavity was finally found. Husband took the CT report to our doctor friend to see, friend suggested to do a PET-CT, I refused, because PET-CT is very expensive, to more than ten thousand pieces, and is fully self-funded, I think it is just inflammation, after a while it will be better.
I still went to hang up a thoracic surgery specialist number. The day of the visit was the last day of 2020, and the super cold wave ravaged the country. The doctor looked at my film and groaned for half a day, said, go puncture to see it, I felt a little sick in my heart, and then he said, the position is more special, may not be punctured, first do a reinforced CT. It was freezing cold outside, the north wind was howling, but I was panicked and sweating in the clinic. I know that a chief physician like him can say something like that, which means that the condition is somewhat tricky.
Sure enough, enhanced CT results were very bad. The morning I got the report, I was shaking, thinking of Chen Xiaoxu, thinking of Yao Beina, thinking about how to hide from my elderly parents, afraid of dragging my husband down, and afraid of what to do if my son really died.
My doctor friend quickly helped me with a PET-CT and mass puncture. At the time of puncture, because the lump was close to the heart and lungs, coiled between the sternum and the ribs, the position was very bad, the doctor first used a thin needle to explore the way, to make sure that it could reach, and then switched to a long thick needle, clicking, clicking, pricking four needles, taking three tubes of tissue, leaving 8 holes in my chest.
The final puncture pathology confirmed the recurrence of breast cancer metastases, and the molecular typing was exactly the same as the first time. At this time, it was the Spring Festival of 2021, and in just 2 months, the 3 cm lump grew to 5 cm, and the cancer cells followed the lymph to the neck. The doctor said that I was a low-risk type, so quickly relapsed, rare, must be something wrong.
(My outpatient medical records.) Courtesy of the author)
What's wrong with that?
I thought about it for a long time, anxiety at work, irregular diet, frequent insomnia, and exercise, which may have led to my already low immunity becoming more fragile, making cancer cells recover rapidly, and attacking the city, encroaching on my chest wall, sternum and lymph. Even more because I am not in awe of cancer cells, I never thought that they would come back, and ignored the distress signals sent by the body again and again, and finally ushered in a recurrence of cancer.
Once again, we chose to hide both parents and siblings. The medication caused severe bone marrow suppression, physical fatigue and soreness, worsening insomnia, and I often woke up in the middle of the night thinking wildly. My son saw me going to the hospital at both ends of the three days and asked curiously:
"Mom, what's wrong with you?"
I said, "Do you know about cancer?" ”
He said, "You know, it's in SendIng You a Little Red Flower." ”
"If I die too, what will you do?" I asked again.
"No, we will definitely save you!" He replied.
After that chat, I watched my son grow up overnight, he began to take on housework, reminded me of my medication every day, supervised my exercise...
I kind of regretted telling him the truth, not knowing how much stress and shadow this matter would cause to his young mind.
I am fortunate, medical development, metastatic breast cancer if 10 years ago is basically incurable, and now the emergence of CDK4/6 inhibitors, so that er positive, HER2 negative advanced metastatic breast cancer patients suffering has been greatly alleviated, patient survival time is greatly extended, the fly in the ointment is that this type of drug has not yet entered the medical insurance, plus other combined drugs, the monthly medical cost of nearly 20,000 yuan, and need to be taken for a long time.
The world is panicked, and the picture is only a few pieces of silver, but these two pieces of silver can solve the panic of the world.
Once a patient with a malignant tumor recurs and metastasizes, it means that the disease progression has entered an advanced stage, and the cost is huge enough to drag a medium-sized family in a third-tier city into poverty.
The first half of life takes life for money, and the second half of life takes money for life. The joke of chatting with people when I was younger was really cashed in when I was just past the age of confusion.
Every time I buy medicine and swipe my card, I always think of the scene in the movie "I am not a medicine god", the old lady has a sad face and tears and says that after taking medicine for three years, the house is gone, and the family is dragged down, but she wants to live, she does not want to die.
(Movie "I Am Not a Medicine God")
The movie shines into reality, I ask my husband, if we run out of money, will you still treat me? The husband said: "Rest assured, sell the house, enough for you to eat for 20 years." "I am very thankful and thankful that although God has repeatedly made me suffer, it has not made me unladylike.
Now, I have been using the new treatment for more than four months, and the lump has been reduced by half. Every morning, I went to the community square to dance with the aunts, and the aunt asked me: "Girl, why are you so young and not go to work?" I smiled and replied, "Because dancing is happier than going to work." ”
In my leisure time, I often think that when people reach middle age, there are parents who are dying of old age, and there are children waiting to be fed, and you can only run forward desperately, but you are not qualified to stop breathing, until your body collapses, you can't run, and you are unwilling to retreat to the original point.
What disease has taken away is not only health and wealth, but also the confidence and dignity of our lives.
But perhaps only after experiencing such a change will we understand that those who we are afraid that we will not be able to survive, we must survive, and we can only survive.
Life goes up and down, no one can predict what will happen in the next moment, look at the world we live in with a humble attitude, reconcile with everything, gain peace, and live as yourself.
Romain Rolland said that there is only one kind of true heroism in the world, that is, after recognizing the truth of life, still love life. In the future, I don't know what will happen, but now every day, for the sake of the people I love and the people who love me, I want to live well and happily.
This is my story, from a busy middle-aged social animal in the Internet factory to a square dance aunt forced to lie flat, I have only experienced a serious illness.
Review expert: Wang Shouman | Deputy Chief Physician of the Department of Breast Medicine, Xiangya Hospital, Central South University
*The content of this article is a popularization of health knowledge and cannot be used as a specific diagnosis and treatment recommendation, nor is it a substitute for face-to-face consultation by a practicing physician, for reference only.
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