1
Recently chased the fire of the TV series "Xiao MinJia", the lives of middle-aged divorced men and women are portrayed vividly.
Chen Zhuo, played by Huang Lei in the play, is a middle-aged man who has been divorced for many years. Having experienced the failure of a marriage, his understanding of marriage seems particularly real and sober.
There is a scene in the play, after he is drunk, he is a little emotionally broken and chats with his daughter, and when it comes to the question of her future mate selection, he tells her daughter in a serious tone:
"One day, you're bound to run into someone you love, but you're going to have to find someone who loves you, not someone you just love." At least these two people, this loves as much. ”
A simple single sentence exposes the cruel truth of adult marriage.
Chen Zhuo recalled the days when he was with his ex-wife Li Ping.
At that time, Chen Zhuo gave all his love to Li Ping, he thought about her everywhere, washed her hands and cooked soup, and shared the care of the child for her, but unfortunately, Li Ping did not love Chen Zhuo so deeply in her heart.
Soon, the unbalanced love led the family to disintegrate, and the marriage to the end.
I remember reading the sentence "The longest marriage, most of them are evenly matched", but I think that the so-called "equal strength" here should include the concentration of love for each other in addition to each other's ability and ideological realm.
Marriages with unbalanced love will eventually go to ruin, and only reciprocal love can keep marriages running for a long time.
2
Last year was the most painful year in the life experience of netizen @ka, because the marriage of many years had encountered a rock and almost collapsed.
When the netizen @ka got married, many people envied her for finding someone who unconditionally hurt her and loved her.
I remember that many years ago, her husband had used up almost every conceivable method to pursue her.
At that time, Ka thought that although he was not married to the boy he loved, the boy loved her very much, and that was enough.
Because of the other party's pampering, stuck in the marriage unconditionally enjoy each other's pay.
When she first got married, the boy was willing to make her happy, no matter how hard and tiring, without a trace of complaint.
This allows Ka to slowly develop a lofty posture. For the sake of a little thing, she often quarrels willfully, and only when the boy comes to coax her, she will put down her body.
But an argument last year left Ka completely confused, because after that argument, the boy took the initiative to file for divorce and no longer took care of the card.
After the two go through a 3-month Cold War, Ka discovers that things have really changed and that the boy is no longer the boy who once loved her.
Later, she took the initiative to talk to her husband once and asked him if he no longer loved her.
She remembers vividly that night the gentleman told her:
"In the beginning, I really loved you very much, for anything you could do. But such a marriage now makes me tired.
I blindly give, but I can't exchange your love for me, I am tired, tired, do not want to continue. ”
The reality is sometimes very cruel, no one wants to be unconditionally good to you in an intimate relationship for a lifetime, and marriages with unbalanced love concentrations will sooner or later come to an end.
Remember that men and women in love always like to ask such a question: "Which one do you love or the person you love choose?" ”
But in fact, whether it is the person who loves you or the person you love, it is not enough.
Only the person you love, and at the same time love you, can such a marriage maintain balance and can flow for a long time.
3
There is a concept in psychology called the "emotional account." It is conceivable that the emotional account includes two actions, deposit and withdrawal, because the emotional account is adding and subtracting at every moment.
For example, when in love, it is hot, after marriage, it is weak, and finally the same bed has different dreams, and the very important reason is that the emotional account savings begin to be valued, and then despised, and finally the account is exhausted and the overdraft collapses.
More importantly, the savings of the emotional account are like sailing against the current, if they do not advance, they will retreat, and if they do not deposit, over time, the deposits in the account will accelerate inflation, slowly depreciate, and finally even return to zero.
There is a saying that the partner who is best at solving problems is not the partner who is the best at communication, but the partner with the best emotional foundation.
In the final analysis, only by allowing yourself to continue to deposit in the emotional account of marriage can you let your feelings flow without reaching the point of exhaustion.
Here are 4 ways to deposit an emotional account for your reference:
Understand each other
The most important thing here is to have empathy and learn to think in empathy.
For example, a child asks you about something that you think is trivial, but from the child's point of view, it may be a big deal.
Note the subsection
Seemingly inconsequential subsections, such as inadvertent courtesy, inadvertent gaffes, self-proclaimed funny but hurtful cold jokes, etc., can cause the greatest harm.
In relationships, the most important things are often the little things. There are some small things that we will never forget for the rest of our lives, even if we feel rationally understandable.
Small things are not small, the core is still in each thing, in the understanding of different people, the importance is not different. Seeing the big in the small things, what is needed is still empathy.
Keep your promises
A serious breach of trust is likely to make people discredited and difficult to establish a relationship of trust. In other words, a large number of requests for emotional accounts directly lead to the overdraft and collapse of emotional accounts.
Therefore, don't make promises easily, and once you make a promise, you must keep your promise with all your might. Special attention should be paid to not keeping promises in some small things, thinking that it is a small thing, and developing habitual non-keeping. For example, the date is not punctual.
Have the courage to apologize
No one is perfect, and it is inevitable that mistakes will be made. But the difference between people is whether they have the courage to admit their mistakes in time and apologize, or whether they delay and blame others.
But in fact, sincere apology is a kind of emotional investment, but apologizing again and again will appear insincere, so fundamentally, we still have to strive for "no two".
We can tolerate inadvertent transgressions, but it is difficult to forgive bad motives, over-the-tops, and mistakes.
The writer Lian Yue once said:
"Marriage is different from gambling, because the odds of gambling are always against the player, and the addict must lose.
While marriage is managed, the odds are in the hands of the player, carefully managed, and almost certain to win. ”
Learning to run a marriage and learning to let feelings flow is the greatest reverence of adults for marriage.
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