01
Recently, the hottest discussion in the market is probably the "divorce melon" between Wang Lihong and Li Lianglei.
On the night of December 17, Li Lianglei wrote a 10,000-word article accusing Wang Lihong of his bad life style, and he was humiliated and coldly violent by Wang Lihong and his family for a long time, and was divorced by Wang Lihong for "having someone she likes and not wanting her to bear the name of Xiao San".
This long article, word for word, tore apart the "high-quality idol" that Wang Lihong had painstakingly managed for many years, and lost his endorsement overnight.
Subsequently, Wang Lihong's father spoke up, which was dismissed by Li Lianglei in a long text; Wang Lihong finally spoke out in person, denying some of the accusations, claiming that he was living under fear, blackmail and threats in this marriage.
Living under fear, blackmail and threats, can you still have three children? Even netizens can't convince you of this.
Naturally, it was rejected by Li Lianglei with a more pointed long text...
After a series of back-and-forth posts, Li Lianglei was obviously more convincing, and wang Lihong was unable to justify himself and was powerless, and finally announced the end of the matter with an apology of "I will no longer do any explanation and defense".
One of the details, Wang Lihong mentioned that the marriage between the two had problems from the second year, and he had seen 5 psychologists in more than 5 years.
Li Lianglei retorted that they had actually only seen two psychologists, and even more exposed the professional analysis of psychologists.
Confirm that he has been subjected to long-term emotional abuse and humiliation, and is also emotionally manipulated.
At the same time, in response to Wang Lihong's rebuttal, Li Lianglei also proposed that Wang Lihong's post was the use of emotional manipulation methods to provoke himself and once again trigger a discussion on the whole network.
02
What is emotional manipulation?
Wang Lihong wants to spread rumors that Li Lianglei has mental illness to denigrate her personality, and this way of emotional manipulation is the "gaslighting" that Li Lianglei mentioned, that is, the "gaslight effect".
The word comes from a 1944 Hollywood film Under the Gaslights.
The heroine, Paula, is a beautiful, cute, kind and simple girl, who later received a large inheritance after the murder of her aunt Alice.
At this time, a man named Anton suddenly appeared next to Paula and launched a fierce pursuit of her. Paula, as a young girl with a new love sinus, could not resist this routine, and soon accepted his confession and became his wife.
However, Anton does not really love Paula, he is actually the murderer of Alice for the precious gem, and pursues Paula to continue to search for the gem and obtain the inheritance.
Thus began a conspiracy designed by Anton. Anton asks Paula to go to live with Alice in London's murdered mansion, and although the shadow of her aunt's murder lingers in her heart, Paula agrees because she loves Anton.
Anton tells the servant that his wife Paula is ill, suggesting that she has a mental problem, and then deliberately asks Paula to store the small things for him, and then secretly takes them away and turns around to ask Paula where they went. As a result, Paula gradually suspected that she had a problem with her memory.
Anton also turned on the gaslights in the house, and when Paula asked him, he insisted that everything was normal, making Paula think that he was hallucinating.
Living in such an environment for a long time, Paula gradually recognized that she had problems with her spirit, coupled with Anton's increasingly indifferent attitude after marriage, Paula's emotions gradually got out of control, and her spirit was on the verge of collapse.
By instilling false, distorted, and even negative thoughts, Anton creates the illusion that his wife is mentally ill, and little by little, he changes his wife from self-confidence and optimism to insanity, and finally is completely controlled by him.
03
The lifelong growth dictionary entry "1459: The Gas lamp effect" mentions:
In psychological research, the gas lamp effect is also known as gas lamp manipulation.
Gaslight manipulation may seem sensational, as if it only appears in movies and novels, but it is not far from real work and life, and it can even be said to be more common and quite effective.
In many intimate relationships, such as parent-child relationships, husband and wife relationships, the gas lamp effect can be observed.
Think about whether you've ever heard someone close to you say something like this:
How can you be so fat; you can't do that job; you look ugly and want to find someone; stay at home like you...
In this process, you always feel that the other party is convincing you, what you think or feel, the other party can find reasons to argue, and finally use words such as "you think too much" and "you are too sensitive" to negate your guess.
You feel as if the other party is not right, but you can't say what is wrong, and slowly you feel that the other party is right, you are a useless person in his mouth.
In this way, you let these negative self-proof prophecies come true, and you really become the person the other person says, and you can only rely on the other party and be controlled by the other party.
If the gas lamp is successfully manipulated, the manipulated person will be greatly damaged.
Just like Paula in the movie "Under the Gaslight", she was originally beautiful and cute, kind and simple, but she was slowly driven crazy and her spirit was on the verge of collapse.
04
Two tips to avoid getting caught in the hurt of emotional manipulation.
Maintain a proper sense of control and take charge of your own life.
A sense of control refers to our subjective belief about whether we can control ourselves and our surroundings.
A sense of control is one of the most primitive and basic needs of human beings, and it is indispensable for everyone.
Because this sense of control means that we can be in better control of our lives. Conversely, if there is no sense of control at all, we may even lose the courage to survive.
What should we do if there is a lack of control?
In fact, the sense of control as a subjective feeling, the elasticity of adjustment is actually relatively large. In life, consciously or unconsciously, we will actively adjust our sense of control.
For example, when you go to an unfamiliar place to prepare for accommodation and settle down, you will look up online, search for travel guides or ask others, and then compare choices and make a decision, then you will feel that finding a hotel is controllable.
For example, when someone loses love, they will unconsciously cut their hair, or throw away items such as love letters, and this kind of behavior can also make us feel a stronger sense of control, thereby reducing negative emotions in the heart.
If abstracted, there are two strategies for adjusting the sense of control, namely primary control and secondary control.
Primary control is when individuals focus on problems and come up with various countermeasures to solve them. For example, dieting and exercising to improve your health.
Secondary control is when an individual struggles to control the outside world and is unable to meet (beyond the scope of an individual's ability), choosing to abandon this effort and readjust the goal. For example, if you find that you submit a proposal that doesn't have the competitiveness to win, your goal shifts to be well prepared for the next competition.
Each of us needs the right sense of control and increases our own control.
We can start with some small things, such as recording life chores, work tasks, schedules, etc., so as to have a good idea of our own lives.
Keep your life and work organized, avoid being too dependent on others, and learn to take charge of your own life.
Learn self-analysis and enhance self-awareness
Self-analysis, that is, the analysis of all aspects of the self.
For example, using tools such as SWOT analysis and feedback analysis to understand one's strengths and weaknesses is self-analysis.
Only through self-analysis and full self-awareness can we make more informed decisions, establish more qualitative and satisfactory intimate and professional relationships, have better career development, and be more confident, and not easily shaken by the words of others.
In the process, learn to love yourself.
Usually, we can take the initiative to discover and record our own strengths, while facing up to our own shortcomings.
Tell yourself that although you are not perfect, you also have excellent places, and no matter what, you are still worthy of being loved.
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