Highlights of this article
What is the biggest headache in a multi-child family? In addition to the pressure of parenting, "a bowl of water is flat" is estimated to be the best choice for parents. After having a second or even a third child, can't you really have a bowl of water? What exactly would be better for the child?
Eccentricity is everywhere in families with many children
Some time ago, I re-brushed the classic Korean drama "Please Answer 1988", the heroine of the play, Deshan, this child who was sandwiched in the middle, was really distressing.
Deshan was born in a family of three children, with a strong personality and good academic performance of the eldest sister Paula, below the cute brother Yuhui, the second in line, she is often not favored by her parents, but is an unimportant child.
To what extent is it "unimportant"?
There are only two eggs in the family, the sister and brother each have a fragrant poached egg, but Deshan can only eat soy beans;
Eat chicken at night, the mother gives Paula and Afterglow a chicken leg each, while Deshan only has one chicken rack;
The most ritualistic day, the birthday, can only be re-lit on Paula's birthday, after her sister has blown out the birthday candle, even if it is for her own birthday.
When he learned that his father secretly bought World Cup ice cream for his brother to eat, Deshan also asked his father to buy it for himself, but his father only bought another brand of ice cream to sell Deshan;
The gas leaked at home, and her parents desperately carried out their sister and brother, completely forgetting that she slept in the house...
Finally, on another birthday like this, Deshan collapsed. Even if the parents are not intentionally biased, the unconscious neglect and eccentricity also deeply hurt virtue.
A bowl of water is flat, it's really too hard
In most multi-child families, it is believed that parents will do their best to convince their children that parents treat each child equally and give each child the same love and care.
But here sociologists show different stories. Katherine Conger, a sociologist at the University of California, and her team followed up on 384 families, and the final survey showed that 74 percent of mothers and 70 percent of fathers said they preferred a child. The study also found that regardless of the birth order of the child, growing up creates the feeling that the parent prefers another child.
In real life, it is even more difficult for parents to achieve a bowl of water.
I once read a topic on the Internet: What is it like to live in a family with many children? Many netizens have written their feelings and experiences.
"My parents often say that they were all born to the same parents, why am I so stupid, I don't have my sister's cleverness at all, and I compare my sister with me all day."
"Since I have a younger brother, one of the things I often hear is that you are a sister, you should let your brother, you are a sister, you should take care of your brother, you are a sister, how can you still compete with your brother for food and drink, but I am only 4 years older than my brother." 」
"I am the second eldest in the family, a sister above and a younger brother below. Since I was a child, I have known that at home I am superfluous, my father does not kiss, my mother does not love..."
Parents are eccentric, and every child in the family will not be good. Children who have been neglected for a long time are prone to lack of self-confidence, insecurity, and emotional alienation from their parents, and are more likely to form a lonely and inferior personality; while children who are favored by their parents lack empathy and tolerance, they will take it for granted to enjoy everything given by their parents, and it is easy to develop a selfish and arrogant character. Su Mingcheng and Su Mingyu in the popular TV series "All Is Good" a few years ago are typical representatives.
Mom and Dad do this, and the brotherhood is more harmonious
Families with many children will inevitably cause some family problems, such as after the birth of younger siblings, fierce competition between siblings, comparison, quarrels and fights, etc., and then share with you, when parents encounter similar situations, what can they do?
The eccentricity of parents makes children feel that they are not loved
In the Korean drama "Although it is mentally ill, it doesn't matter", Kang Tai and Shang Tai are a pair of brothers.
My mother was partial to my brother since I was a child, because my brother was an autistic person and his intelligence level was lower than normal.
My mother always told my brother that she would take good care of her brother all her life, and the reason why she gave birth to him was to let him take care of her brother.
At night, when she went to bed, her mother held her brother alone; when it rained, her mother only cared about running with her brother. Because Kangtai is healthy, because he is sensible, he is the one who is ignored.
Because of the brother's physical reasons, in the mother's limited energy, give the brother more care, from the mother's point of view, there is nothing wrong with it, but from the child's point of view, the mother is too eccentric.
Because young children generally judge whether their parents love him by observing their parents' words and deeds. A slight gesture and a casual sentence may cause the child's inner sensitivity, produce a feeling that he has not been treated fairly, and feel that he is not being paid attention to and is not loved.
Start a special one-on-one time with your child
"I want to get enough love" is every child's survival instinct. Children can only get along happily with their siblings if they are sure that they have enough close connections with their parents.
Dr. Cohen once said that in a multi-child family, if one of the children suddenly behaves rebellious, uncooperative, and emotionally unstable, it may mean that you need to start a special one-on-one time with him.
The so-called "one-to-one special time" refers to the special time, parents in a fixed time, with special enthusiasm, give the child one-on-one attention, by the child to decide what to do.
And if you want to make special times work, there are 5 key factors to pay attention to:
One-on-one companionship: a parent accompanies a child;
Full commitment: especially not to look at the phone;
Fixed duration: a timer can be set, such as 10 minutes, half an hour or 1 hour;
Let the child decide: as long as it is not too expensive or dangerous, let the child decide what to do;
Regular: It can be 15 minutes after school every day, or 1 hour before bedtime, so that the child has expectations for special times.
This special time will make children feel the "exclusive pet" of their parents, their love and attention to him, and we can better see their unique shining points when we are alone with each child.
Grab the toys, how to make them stop fighting?
There are many babies in the family, it is inevitable to stage a "world war", the more common is that the brothers and sisters grab a toy, the brother / sister is often angry and shouts, the brother / sister is beaten and cries, and the parents are easy to become the referee of the "judgment" for their children.
In this case, how can children reduce the scramble and not hurt the brotherhood because of the robbery?
First, avoid the big ones and let the small ones. Because the material "let" again and again, it is easy to make the eldest child become no sense of boundaries, do not know how to refuse, after many times, the eldest child will breed resentment and unfair emotions, affecting the parent-child relationship, and even make the brothers and sisters feel suspicious, the relationship is cold. The small ones are always let go, and crying becomes a killer to blackmail each other, which also deprives the children of the opportunity to solve problems.
Second, establish boundaries and a sense of boundaries. For example, the child's toys, picture books and other items are responsible for people, placed in their own exclusive space, if you want to see each other's picture books, play with each other's toys must seek each other's opinions, consent before you can use; if it is TV, building blocks, etc. can not be completely divided, need to cooperate with each other, common use, let them distribute the processing. If there is a scramble, take back the right to watch TV and play with toys, and tie their interests together.
Finally, children are encouraged to collaborate on activities. For example, let the eldest take the younger siblings to activities, play, or assign them a task that needs to be completed together, such as doing handicrafts together, so that the children can learn to get along with each other in the process of playing, unite and cooperate, negotiate and solve problems, and promote brotherhood.
Should I forcibly stop a fight?
Between brothers and sisters, there will always be a dispute, but the small one may directly arrest people, and they are not good at grasping the scale, and the fight between the two begins.
At this time, if the parents forcibly intervene to stop it, handle it badly, and unconsciously protect a child, not only can not extinguish the fire, but "add fuel to the fire".
In this regard, parents should be mediators rather than referees, neither eager to intervene in judgment, anxious to settle conflicts and disputes, nor to treat children's "quarrels" and "disputes" with adult standards and eyes, and guide children to negotiate and deal with them as much as possible after foreseeing the results within the bearable range.
For example, when we see children fighting over toys, we can say, "You two are rushing to play, and no one can play well, so how do you give everyone a chance to play?" "You think of a solution together, and I'm sure you'll be able to solve the problem, whoever comes first?" In this way, it not only exercises the child's ability to deal with conflicts, but also avoids leaving an "eccentric" shadow on the child.
It is normal for multi-child families to have eccentricity, after all, parents are not accurate balances, it is difficult to level a bowl of water, but brothers and sisters should be the closest people in the world, do not let us be biased, let them become enemies of each other and hate.