Not long ago, the variety show "Dark Horse" "Goodbye Lover" ushered in the finale.
In addition to the "storm crying" touching compound of Zhang He and Guo Keyu, there is also the expected breakup of Wang Qiuyu and Zhu Yaqiong.
Intimate relationships can be problematic, and generally both parties are at fault.
Just like Zhu Yaqiong will be a little egotistical from time to time, and even a little bit of work.
For example, when everyone gathered to discuss a topic and was getting excited, she went to the side alone to write lyrics.
Or she often disappears without saying a word to anyone, and people can't find it.
But most of her marriage problems with Wang Qiuyu are due to the poor communication between them.
Several times, Wang Qiuyu said very bluntly that Zhu Yaqiong's singing was ugly and denied her personal hobbies.
When Zhu Yaqiong said that she needed encouragement, Wang Qiuyu said that she never encouraged her.
Because she felt that she had nothing to encourage herself, she would not be happy if she said it with a clear conscience.
After that, there is a scene where Zhu Yaqiong is sad because she is always denied, and privately comes to her to say something, but Wang Qiuyu is still stubborn.
He preached to Zhu Yaqiong, and also "expanded the topic" saying that Zhu Yaqiong was too selfish, and then counted Zhu Yaqiong's various nots.
At this time, Zhu Yaqiong instantly forgot the original purpose of finding Wang Qiuyu: to question why he always denied himself.
After a pass operation, even the guests of the program saw that Wang Qiuyu was complacent about his anti-guest-oriented communication method.
The two people seem to be communicating, but in fact, Wang Qiuyu is in a one-way output, saying that the good point is the shift of the focus, and the ugly point is PUA.
It is no wonder that Shen Yifei, a sociology professor present, said that Wang Qiuyu was ineffective in communication.
The grand finale of Zhu Yaqiong and Wang Qiuyu, although it is a little regrettable.
But this relationship, the more communication hurts the feelings, but also let many people see the familiar self in the intimate relationship.
In marriage, how many people have to face the "ineffective communication" in the relationship on a regular basis?
When one party has emotions, the other party is never directly facing the emotions and problems of the other party.
Either the Cold War is not handled, or the emotional side finally bows its head.
But the "ineffective communication" of this relationship reflects an unequal mode of getting along.
01
Ineffective communication stems from the asymmetry of relationships
The three (former) couples of "Goodbye Lover", Wang Qiuyu and Zhu Yaqiong, can be said to be the most unequal.
As a veteran screenwriter, Wang Qiuyu has the old school of ethical thinking, and he inherits power and responsibility from his original family.
But he also brought this patriarchal style to his husband and wife relationship, as he said, "the father is the son, and the husband is the wife."
Wang Qiuyu saw that his wife was unhappy and could not say something like "I can do something for you to make you happy".
Because for him, such words are difficult to say.
He also likes to avoid some emotional questions, that is, when Zhu Yaqiong asks serious questions, he either giggles and laughs, or feels that he can't escape and "daddy" to speak and teach people.
But he forgot that individuals in a conjugal relationship are equal.
As a wife, Zhu Yaqiong may be less than 20 years old, and she can still accept such a father role.
For example, she initially listened to Wang Qiuyu's guidance and protection, and at the same time tried to seek the approval and encouragement of the other party.
But it has not been recognized, and as I get older, the awakening of self-awareness will also become unsatisfied and want to break free of the relationship.
In the show, Zhu Yaqiong has been seeking wang Qiuyu's encouragement.
She thinks that the other party should at least give herself a little emotional comfort, to put it bluntly, it is the emotional value from the lover.
But Wang Qiuyu always denied this emotional value, thinking" What do you really want?" ”
Or put the problem on the other person and say, "Tell me, do you know how big your problem is?" ”
"It doesn't matter what I say, it's what you have to do."
He is in a high position, so he arbitrarily carries out "double standards", while denying Zhu Yaqiong's emotions, but expecting to obtain emotional value from the other party.
Otherwise, he would not have said that zhu Yaqiong could bring him happiness, but then there was no happiness, and he felt that marriage was unnecessary.
Therefore, in this situation where the communication effect is almost zero and there is no way out, Zhu Yaqiong can only choose to escape.
This may also be why when the other two pairs were traveling together, she subconsciously found another Uighur boy to ride a horse with.
To a large extent, it is not necessarily that she "does", but wants to escape, but the problem of two people still exists, and you can imagine how painful she is inside.
For Zhu Yaqiong, without such a superior and subordinate husband and wife relationship, it is possible to regain an independent and healthy self-personality.
This asymmetrical relationship is also reflected in another couple, Zhang He and Guo Keyu.
In his marriage to his ex-wife Guo Keyu, Zhang He also rarely received encouragement from his ex-wife.
Moreover, Guo Keyu and Wang Qiuyu have similar views, believing that personal cognition should not be based on other people's affirmation of themselves.
We will find that the demand level of Guo Keyu and Zhang He is not equal.
Although Zhang He is actively communicating, their communication is not on the same channel, the expression is not the same, and the self-esteem of both of them is very strong.
Guo Keyu expressed her feelings in her own way, for example, during the journey with Zhang He, she herself felt that she had actually "called" with Zhang He.
But Zhang He insisted on making the divorce issue clear, and Guo Keyu saw that Zhang He was so unsympathetic, so he resisted defensively, saying that they were not suitable and there was no need to say it again.
So Zhang He also began to confront, also saying that he did not consider remarriage, so he was frozen.
Fortunately, in the end, the two had an equal dialogue, each put down the dignity shelf, and ushered in the opportunity to reunite.
In fact, many partners communicate with the original intention to enhance or improve the relationship, but then evolved into quarrels and even breakups, often because of the asymmetry of the relationship.
Only when the two sides communicate in an equal position can they have a smooth start.
02
Correct communication posture
1. Give up and change the other party
The two sides are equal in the relationship, respecting differences and giving up the transformation of each other is conducive to the continued development of the relationship.
Probably every couple who went from love to marriage believed that love could change a person.
So more or less expect the other party to "change for me", once unable to meet their own standards, communication will be ineffective, there will be contradictions and conflicts.
But in real life, where is the existence of a 100% satisfactory partner?
Parents can't be completely satisfied with their children, let alone two people with different growth environments and cognitive fields.
Even Cai Shaofen himself, the "showman of the madman", said that the most important thing is not to expect others to change.
Learn to give up changing each other, respect differences, and it is easier to feel happiness in trivial matters.
Whether in love or marriage, we must show the honesty and courage to communicate well, and learn to compromise and wait for people peacefully.
2. Learn to listen
Master Xuecheng once said, "If your intention is to "convince" the other party, it will be "extremely difficult."
But if you're ready to "listen" to the other person, that's the real communication. ”
In a reciprocal relationship, to know the right to respect what others say, we must first learn to listen.
Let go of your own preconceptions and listen, and ask the other person's true intentions without understanding.
Instead of the pair like Zhang He Guo Keyu, when encountering communication problems, they blindly guess each other's meaning, and no longer communicate for the sake of face.
Don't think that your understanding is necessarily right, and truly learning to listen is the beginning of effective communication.
Let go of the idea of self-expression that is too strong in your heart, pay more attention to what others need, and think about others.
Effective communication is to say what the other person can understand, not to say what you want to say.
3. Retain your own claims
The purpose of communication is to make others aware of their own ideas, not to impose their own views on others.
On the other hand, it is not to admit that everything the other party says is correct, but to understand, respect and accept it from the mentality.
Communication with the partner, the premise is to respect and understand the other party's starting point, contradictions can have differences, but can not be denied because of different views.
By doing this, communication does not turn into talking to each other and venting emotions.
This is followed by stating the facts and revealing one's opinions, thoughts, and judgments to others.
Although it may be refuted and opposed by the other side, you can still retain your own views.
In this way, the other party can see their own attitude.
Understanding the boundaries between the self and others and sitting down to discuss issues together should be a constructive and relationship-friendly way to do so.
When you have a reciprocal relationship, the communication between the two sides will become easier and easier, but most people only stay on the surface.
Communication in an equal relationship is really important, and many people are separated not because they don't love, but because they no longer treat each other with respect.
This also leads to many people reflecting on what the other party said after separation, only to find that what the other party said at the beginning is quite reasonable.
It was just that at that time, the emotions came up and I was dizzy and said that I broke up, and as a result, the people who clearly loved each other became strangers who parted ways.
So, cherish the guy who talks to you as an equal.
Because every time you communicate, the other party wants to tell you: "I want to have a good chat with you."
Author | Mu Chu Media copywriting planning, has specialized in applied psychology, focus on writing, keen on the study of psychoanalytic and emotional psychology, proverbs: everything learned, become a character, listen carefully and record every soul story around you.