【Personal Growth and Psychology】
Author: Bella
Have you ever had such an experience?
The things that were ridiculed in the early years will bother you for many years, and then when you encounter similar things, the feeling of uneasiness and sadness will strike again;
Leaders, colleagues, family, friends tell you in which aspect of you "particularly bad", you really feel that you can't do it, and then do such a thing later, how to do it badly;
Always feel that they are not good enough, see others relaxed and glamorous look both envious and inferior, hearing the wonderful performance of others is deeply stimulated, feel that they are particularly useless;
……
Such an experience will bring deep trouble to the parties.
But there are also a small number of people who really don't care about what others say, no matter what others say, they can always stick to their goals. They live happily and attentively, never seeming to be hit by outside evaluations.
Why is there such a big difference between people and people?
Psychologist David Schnarch has come up with a very important concept called "a solid, flexible self."
The so-called "stability" means that a person has a very stable sense of self-worth and will not change due to external denial or questioning.
"Flexibility" means that your self-concept doesn't freeze or stagnate.
People who can establish a "stable and flexible self" know what they want and how to achieve their goals, and will move forward with joy and hope according to the blueprint in their hearts, without being disturbed by the outside world.
There are at least two ways to build a person's value:
One is evaluation from the outside world, that is, self-esteem and self-confidence are obtained through the respect, recognition, and appreciation of others. That is to say, we determine our appearance through the eyes of others, and judge whether we are worthy of love and respect through the reactions of others.
The other is from your own cognition, that is, you have a very clear judgment of "who I am", "what I need", "what kind of person I want to be", you have your own principles, and you will look at yourself according to your own standards.
In fact, any adult will judge his own value from these two aspects, but the focus of people is different.
For people who value the evaluation of others more, if the external evaluation is consistent with your cognition and pursuit, then the internal and external harmony, you will get a double motivation. That's why some people feel like, "As soon as someone praises me, I'm more motivated, and I work harder." ”
But if there is a difference between the two cognitions, it will bring great trouble to people. For example, if you are angry when you are violated, but at this time someone says that you are "making a fuss" and "calculating", you will wonder if it is really necessary to seek justice for yourself. If you give up, you will be very unwilling and wronged; you want to go, but you are worried that you will not be laughed at by people, and even because of the evaluation of others, you will not dare to go.
For the vast majority of people, no matter what kind of way of building value, as long as there is an evaluation standard in mind, they must want to do better under this standard.
Wanting to do better sounds like a very positive thing, why is it called a "trap" here?
In fact, there is no problem with the act of "changing good" itself, what is problematic is our motivation to produce this behavior. If you're motivated by needs, hobbies, or a clear purpose, it's good to improve your skills, change your personality, and increase your physical strength. However, many times, we strive for better not because we need it or desire excellence, but because of anxiety about "imperfection" and "not good enough", as well as inferiority and insecurity that we lag behind in comparison.
We take it for granted that "the pursuit of better" is a sign of self-motivation, but we rarely consider another question: what if we are not "good enough"?
"I want to be more beautiful", "I want to be richer", "I want to have more research results", "I want to mention a higher level"... When we expect this to happen, we tend to overlook a very important practice – moderation. In fact, the yearning for beauty also needs moderation, and this moderation is not to force yourself to stop, but to be able to recognize yourself, accept yourself, and know that your value is not defined by the outside world.
There is no limit to the pursuit of "better" things, which will make people feel that they are urging and forcing themselves, and once the beauty is too much, it will also bring harm. Fatigue, anxiety, depression, anorexia, chronic pain... These symptoms are all related to our inner compulsions on ourselves.
Back to the "stable and flexible self" mentioned at the beginning of the article.
In fact, why are people so susceptible to external evaluation? It is because such an independent and mature personality has not been developed well.
You don't know who you are, you don't know what you want to do, you don't have a stable evaluation standard, so you especially want to go out, want to know a beautiful and powerful self through the eyes of others. You can't help but get caught up in comparison and feel depressed and nervous because of the comparison.
In fact, the drift is not beautiful, not strong, not strong... It's all other people's judgments about us, and most importantly, what kind of person am I? If I lose the appearance, status, honor, and wealth that I value now, who am I?
The "stable self" is to be able to experience that I am who I am, and that I am valuable whether I have done or not done anything. This value does not change as one aspect grows or degrades, and my good performance does not increase that value, and it does not reduce that value if I behave badly.
I have that value, and so do others – that's the universal "self-worth."
And there is also a unique "self-worth", that is, you can recognize that I am unique, although I am ordinary, but irreplaceable, I have my own mission, I have my own unique value. I don't need to compare myself to others, I live my own color, which is the most fulfilling, the happiest, the most meaningful life.
This stable self is not created, nor is it built by blind self-motivation, but it requires us to explore and discover.
So what is the "flexible self"? The flexible self is that you do not limit yourself with a concept, you are willing to continue to grow, constantly explore new possibilities.
For example, if you recognize yourself as "I am a person with strong willpower", and then you do not allow yourself to show a little weakness, refuse to ask others for help, and force yourself to complete the planned things in the case of extreme physical and psychological discomfort, then your self is very solidified, and this solidified self will bring you damage. Because the "strong willpower" thing can only be a certain characteristic of people, not the whole portrayal of people, when you pay too much attention to this and require yourself to be "strong willpower" everywhere, you will not allow yourself to develop characteristics such as gentleness, tolerance, and flexibility.
A flexible person will have multiple qualities at the same time. These traits may seem opposite, but in fact they are not opposites, but interact with each other, cooperate with each other, and give people more freedom to deal with different situations. You will show different faces on different occasions, but this is not a song and a face, because you still have a solid self in it, you have your own beliefs and principles, but at the same time you can embrace and develop different aspects of yourself.
Establish your own goals and values without dignity through external affirmations, or doubting the meaning of something because of others' doubts. With a flexible self to play steadily, your path will become wider and wider.