"After a long time, it is difficult to tolerate the changes in this life, like floating clouds gathering and dispersing."
This is the words on the cover of the documentary "The Life of "The Demon" Li Ermao", and it also truly describes Li Ermao's tragic life.
He spent his whole life chasing love, but he was not cared for, and the only luck was that his life experience was recorded, and the documentary was also shortlisted for the Amst International Documentary Festival.
However, he himself did not have the opportunity to see it.
Li Ermao was born in a rural area in Sichuan, his father was often absent from home, and his mother had a violent temper and often beat and scolded her children.
From an early age, Li Ermao lived in fear that his father would come home drunk and scold him, and such a day did not last long, and his father was shot for abducting and selling women.
His family was also scattered, his mother remarried and refused to take him, Li Ermao could only live with his relatives, and tasted the heartache under the fence.
At the age of 15, Li Ermao went out from home to work, he wanted to support himself, but also wanted to change his fate, listened to the village friends said that Shenzhen has many opportunities, he also followed to Shenzhen to work.
But Li Ermao, who has no academic qualifications, can only be a worker on the assembly line, working tediously every day, spending most of his time, and after work, a co-worker pulled him to see the "shemale".
The so-called "shemale", that is, men dressed as women, singing and dancing on the stage, was also a more popular entertainment program at that time.
Li Ermao also went curiously, he saw these people dancing on the stage, he actually felt kind, deliberately ran to the backstage to watch, to see how they put on makeup and change clothes.
For a long time, Li Ermao and these people are acquainted, but also in the background with a brush to make up for themselves, he is emaciated, makeup is also very feminine, was coaxed by everyone to perform together.
At first, he just played soy sauce on the stage, but he liked the atmosphere very much, really quit his job, became a "shemale", often went in and out of the performance venue, because of his beautiful face, he was also known as the "little prince of the night scene".
When he meets a generous boss, he will give him a tip, and Li Ermao will also accompany him to drink a few drinks, he feels that it is easy to make money in this way, and he enjoys the feeling of being noticed.
Li Ermao believes that the reason why he is loved by people is because of his external image, if he becomes a woman, he can always get everyone's love.
Once the heart moved, Li Ermao's thoughts could not be contained.
He longed to be a real woman, so he wanted to save money for surgery, and went to Hainan, and when he returned, everyone found that his appearance had really changed, without a throat knot and a chest.
Li Ermao has a boyfriend, the other party is a strong guy of one meter and eight meters, the two often eat together, and the relationship looks very good.
He also participated in the cross-dressing competition, won the second place, and thus received the attention of director Jia Yuchuan, and after communication, he began to record Li Ermao's life with the camera.
It seems that Li Ermao's life is going up, he has realized his dream, and has people who love him, and he has a good development in his singing career, and he can complete a performance alone.
He also has a dream of being a bride and becoming a real woman to marry a boyfriend.
In order to make more money, he went to the record company, hoping to release an album for himself, but the money was cheated, and things did not work out, and he knew that he was deceived.
Seeing that he had no money and his boyfriend left him, Li Ermao tasted the despair of lost love.
He is like a lost deer, eager to be cared for and loved, having made one boyfriend after another, asking each other every day if he loves him, and the results are all negative answers.
When he was most helpless, he met Xiaolong, who had a similar experience with him, and the two had a pity for each other.
Li Ermao cheered up again, he hoped that one day he could wear a wedding dress and marry Xiaolong, but unfortunately, with Xiaolong he learned to take drugs, once people go the wrong way, it is too difficult to get up again.
He had no intention of working, the two sat in the rental house, and soon the economy encountered a dilemma and was driven out by the landlord.
In order to have a home, Li Ermao thought of his hometown, and he also had a homestead where he could have a shelter from the wind and rain.
As a result, soon after the two returned home, the village chief came to drive them away and asked them not to corrupt the atmosphere, and he lamented that the world was so big that there was no place for him.
Back in Shenzhen again, he and Xiaolong went to work in the factory, and Xiaolong lived in a dormitory, but because of his own reasons, he was afraid of being found abnormal by his co-workers, so he could only rent a room.
But the secret was still not kept, and soon some workers found out about him, and several people surrounded him and beat him to get him out, and he really had no place to go.
Xiaolong also left him, and Li Ermao, who lost his love again, was gray in his thoughts and did not know where the road of life was.
He contacted Jia Yuchuan and wanted to take out the prosthesis of his chest and return to his original appearance, but after examination, he found that he had AIDS and the operation could not be done.
Later, Li Ermao disappeared, and no one knew where he went.
After the documentary was shortlisted, Jia Yuchuan has been contacting him, hoping to realize Li Ermao's dream and let him walk back to the red carpet, but he learned a message that he has passed away.
With a sigh, Li Ermao's whole life has been trying to find love, but he has never got it.
When he was young, he longed for the love of his parents, but his father did not follow the right path, and his mother did not have his place in his heart, allowing him to taste the hardships of the world prematurely.
In his youth, he longed for love, but mistakenly thought that appearance was an attractive factor, lost himself for love, and ended up empty.
If he could understand that love comes more from within than the outside, perhaps the result could be rewritten.
I think of the movie "Wind and Rain Harvard Road", in which Liz has a similar life experience with him, his parents are addicted to drugs, and they have no heart to take care of her.
As a young girl, Liz was bullied and learned to steal and become a street girl.
But she later woke up and decided to study well to change her destiny, the moment of change is difficult, you need to completely draw a line with your past, and make enough efforts.
But this kind of effort is worth it, Liz relied on hard work to get into Harvard University, put aside the clouds and see the sky, and her life was changed.
Liz's story is based on real people and real events, and it also tells us that even in the gutter, there is the right to spy on the starlight.
As long as you don't give up your efforts, you can have the opportunity to change your destiny, a person chasing love is very tiring, when you are self-reliant, it is easy to attract people to love you.
Li Ermao originally had the opportunity to change himself, and after he had a certain amount of savings, he could completely settle himself down and live a normal life.
But he is too insecure, hoping that someone can always love him, so that he can go astray, in order to cater to the other party, he will not hesitate to make mistakes.
In the end, I found that no one can accompany you all the time, and it is a mistake in you to base your hopes on others.
To love someone, start with the self, firmly be yourself, in order to have the opportunity to get the love of others.