"My favorite genre is destined to not follow me for long"
——I don't know if everyone will be confused or feel distressed when they see this sentence?
This sentence was summed up the other day when my friend reviewed his past failed relationship.
His past contacts were often cheerful and outgoing and social. According to him, he especially liked the kind of energy that cheerful and extroverted people had, because it seemed to light him up and make him brisk, rather than the usual introverted and a little melancholy young man.
And after a while together, problems always come to the surface. He is dissatisfied that the object is too fond of running out, and the object is also dissatisfied that he "always thinks of something that is not"--and the point that they complain about each other seems to be the cause of their initial attraction to each other.
Why are some relationships where the characteristics that initially attract each other end up evolving into breakups?
If you also feel empathy for the sentence that my friend summed up at the beginning, please read on today's article.
Diane H. Felmlee, a sociologist at Penn State University, has proposed the concept of "fatal attraction" to refer to this phenomenon in intimate relationships: traits in which the other person initially attracts themselves to themselves, but may end up being the key to the end of the relationship.
Felmlee has done several studies over the years and has come to a relatively uniform conclusion: "fatal attraction" is fairly common in relationships, although the parties are not necessarily aware of it.
The researchers asked the participants to answer two questions, "What did you like most about them when you were first with them?" And "What do you think is the last thing you like about ta right now?" ”。
After comparing the answers to the two questions, the researchers found that the answers they gave to the two questions were inextricably linked, whether the parties realized it or not.
For example, at the beginning, I like the other party to have a personality and an opinion, but after getting along for a long time, I feel that the other party is very stubborn and unreasonable;
Attracted by the other party's gentle and quiet personality, and finally leaving the relationship is to feel that the other party is too passive in the relationship;
Or maybe, in the early stage of the relationship, I liked each other's naïve personality, but gradually realized the immaturity of the other party...
Ayala Pine, an intimate relationship therapist, also found in the process of receiving her partner's visit that when a partner is asked what they liked at first and what they don't like now, there is always a correlation between the two answers they give.
Obviously, the traits that our partners attract to us do not all "change their taste". The study found that some traits seem more likely to evolve into "fatal attraction."
For example, in The first study Felmlee did, most of the participants who encountered the phenomenon of "fatal attraction" described the characteristics of their partner as "fun". For example, I like the dashing attitude of the other party in time, but in the end, I feel that the other party always seems not to take the relationship seriously.
Another trait attribute that often leads to "fatal attraction" is "concern." A typical example is that at first you like the other person's meticulousness and eager attention to yourself, but then you feel that the other party is too possessive or too clingy.
In a later study, Felmlee analyzed the participants' responses to come up with a full ten types of "fatal attraction." For example, from the very beginning to feel that the other party has a good personality, to complain that the other party is too passive; to the first to feel that the other party is very funny, to complain that the other party is too joking; the first to appreciate the quiet of the other party, to the point of not being able to bear the other party to close themselves up...
However, this does not mean that these traits themselves are problematic, and it does not mean that people who possess these traits will become bad targets.
They become "fatal attractions" more because —
Many of the traits in the study that evolved into "fatal attraction" were those that were different. For example, quiet people may be attracted to enthusiastic people, or people who are very dependent may be attracted to independent people.
At the same time, Felmlee also found a paradox: the more strongly we attracted the traits in the beginning, the more likely they were to evolve into "fatal attractions", burying hidden dangers for the relationship.
How should these two findings be understood?
From the perspective of dialectical theory, the maintenance of any interpersonal relationship is a balance of two opposing and interdependent dynamics, and the same is true of intimate relationships. The dynamics mentioned here are mainly divided into three groups: 1) intimacy v.s. independence; 2) novelty v.s. predictability; and 3) closure v.s. openness.
Note: Different individuals may have different needs for motivation in relationships, such as some people who need more "intimate" motivation and less "independent" motivation.
The trait of being a "fatal attraction" often brings one of these dynamics quickly and in large quantities, which makes it easy for us to feel a strong attraction in the early stages. Moreover, the more characteristics that contrast with us, the easier it is to attract our attention.
However, this attraction comes at the expense of the lack of opposing dynamics, and when we are in a relationship for a long time, the dynamic imbalance in the relationship becomes more and more obvious.
In the case of a partner who takes care of each other, for example, he can bring a strong "intimacy" motivation in the early stages of the relationship, which may make us feel that the intimacy we desire in the early stages is 100% satisfied; however, his meticulousness is likely to come at the expense of the lack of "independent" motivation. Therefore, the longer we spend together, the more likely we are to feel as if our need for independence has been stripped away, and thus tired of the relationship.
It should be noted that in this example, the key to the power imbalance in the relationship is not the meticulous characteristics of one of the partners to take care of the other, but in the "incompatible" of the two people, that is, the needs of both parties for motivation are not matched.
If one partner takes care of it and the other prefers to rely on a partner, the two are a very suitable combination even if they enter a long-term relationship, because they both need "intimate" motivation more than "independent" motivation.
Our expectations of relationships tend to change as we grow. However, not all of the time these changes happen in tandem with your partner. As a result, a formerly compatible partner may also become less suitable because of changes in both parties.
For example, before entering work, we tend to expect more carefree relationships, and a dashing and free partner may be very much in line with our expectations of a relationship at the time. However, when we begin to look forward to the future and plan our lives, and our partners still don't plan for reality, the freedom of the other party may gradually evolve into a "fatal attraction".
There are also some changes that may be brought about by the characteristics of the other party.
My girlfriend once experienced a separation brought about by a "fatal attraction." She is particularly insecure in intimate relationships for family reasons. The other person is a typical secure attachment personality – patient, emotionally stable, and unconditionally trusting her.
In the relationship, the other party has brought her a lot of changes, making her more confident, more secure, and more courageous to live independently. And she gradually found that the needs of the two parties for intimacy began to differ, and the importance of love to the two people also varied greatly. More than love, she is more eager to explore the unknown future.
After a serious conversation, the two chose to separate. As a bystander, I lament the fact that this once-matched pair chose to separate, but also respect their deliberate decision, after all, when the core needs of both sides are getting more and more different, continuing to be together is a detriment to both sides.
"Fatal attraction" sounds helpless, as if the relationship is doomed to not go far when they are initially attracted to these qualities of the other party.
But this is not the case. Even if there is a "fatal attraction", you can avoid the threat of "fatal attraction" to the relationship by finding the right mode of getting along.
1) Identify "fatal attraction"
The occurrence of "fatal attraction" is not really "fatal" in itself, as long as we are aware of its existence.
To do this, we can try to enumerate the connections between the traits that attracted us at the beginning and those that we are dissatisfied with now. For example, "I like ta to be particularly funny" and "I think he is often not very serious about things" may be the advantages and disadvantages of a person with the same trait.
To be aware of "fatal attraction" is also to remind ourselves that everyone's traits are two sides of the same coin, and that traits themselves are neither advantages nor disadvantages, but that they will be presented in the form we like, and naturally in the form we do not like.
2) Acknowledge that the "fatal attraction" is not the other person's fault, but our choice
When a "fatal attraction" happens, many times we vent our dissatisfaction and complaints on each other. In fact, the other party did not do anything wrong.
For example, falling in love with each other's childishness, but when arguing, like to say "can you not be so childish";
I liked his delicacy and gentleness, but complained about "how can you be so sensitive";
Admire the lively and cheerful, and accuse the other party of "talking too much, too noisy".
Such accusations often help us to escape our responsibilities in the relationship: it is we who are attracted to this trait of the other person and enter the relationship. Only willing to accept traits in the form we like, and not wanting to accept the form we don't like, is actually unfair to the other party.
A large part of the reason for the "fatal attraction" is the choice we made ourselves in the first place, and we can't hold the other person responsible for our choices.
3) Actively communicate and coordinate with the other person, but not try to change the other person's traits
It's hard for us to change our own or each other's traits, but we can change the way we treat each other.
In the process of communication, we should avoid communicating in the form of "I don't like your traits" (such as the above-mentioned "can you not be so childish"), but in the form of "I don't like your way".
For example, a partner with a lot of ideas may habitually want to meddle in the other person's decision-making process, so that the other party feels "controlled". Then in the process of communication, we can propose, hoping that the other party will not make decisions for us, and if there is any idea, we can put forward a more moderate opinion.
When communicating with your partner, it is inevitable to experience friction. Meditation can help us see our differences from each other in a non-judgmental way, and regulate the negative emotions brought about by contradictions.
You can follow the audio exercises below to create a buffer space for yourself to feel emotional and explore patterns that are more appropriate for each other. (Tap the card to play).
4) Let go at the right time
Not all "fatal attractions" are "fatal" to relationships. Similarly, not all "fatal attractions" can be eliminated by the above methods.
When we realize that behind the "fatal attraction" is a mismatch between the core needs of both parties (like my friend's example, one side values their own life more and the other more on love), letting go is not a bad choice.
After all, not all relationships need to be kept in a long line. It may appear in each other's lives, just to accompany each other through that time.
Interaction Today: Have you ever encountered a "fatal attraction" in your relationship? Let's share your story