At the weekend dinner, the originally pleasant and warm atmosphere was extinguished by a friend's "drunken truth".
Everyone was talking about how to buy a ticket home and send something to mom and dad. His friend Xiaoyu didn't say a word and drank heavily.
Someone asked uninterestingly, "When are you going to go back?" Group purchase blue can cookies, do you want to go together? ”
He said: "They have to pick faults in what they buy, expensive, ugly, impractical, no vision... Too lazy to buy! ”
As he spoke, this one-meter-seven-eight man actually cried with wine: "In their eyes, I have never been better, I have been careful to please them all my life, study hard, try to find good jobs, and try to buy them things, but they will never be satisfied!" I don't want to go back, and in front of them, a lump of rags is more valuable than I am... Would I die if I praised it?! ”
Looking at this famous university graduate, the young man with excellent business cried bitterly like this, and his heart was really full of mixed feelings.
How many children are hit by their parents like this, and they have been begging their parents for praise all their lives.
Not long ago, "Totoro" landed in China after 30 years, and countless people went to the cinema to pay back "a ticket owed to Grandpa Gong".
As a top animation giant, Miyazaki warmly healed the world. But only his son, Miyazaki Goro, was missed. Like many children, Miyazaki will grow up with his father.com. In an interview, Miyazaki even commented that Miyazaki is a father with a score of 0.
▲ Miyazaki Goro
At a young age, Goro inherited his parents' talent for painting and dreamed of becoming a great animation director like his father.
Miyazaki believes that the animation industry is hard and does not want his son to engage in animation, at the same time, he believes that his son has no talent for animation and despises his son's works.
Holding his breath, he took out his first work, "The Battle of the Earth and the Sea", but Miyazaki left the scene in full view of everyone while watching the movie, and wrote a letter of criticism.
At the press conference of the second work " The Hillside where Yu Meiren bloomed " , Miyazaki was ruthless in criticizing the film at the scene , and Wu Lang had to publicly apologize in an awkward atmosphere.
After the box office was good, Miyazaki still said: "Good villains also give me some pressure." ”
Miyazaki was furious: "Damn, don't let me die too soon!" ”
Miyazaki Goro is also stubborn, meaning: you wait, I will prove it to you!
No one's growth is achieved overnight, miyazaki himself has drawn countless failed works, 38 years old to produce the first animation, but also the box office fiasco.
Hal's Moving Castle says, "Love is not about finding a perfect person, but about learning to appreciate the imperfect person with perfect eyes." ”
True love is understanding, appreciation, and encouragement.
Miyazaki was once asked: Why is he always scolding children? His explanation is that instead of letting others criticize indiscriminately, it is better to poison your own tongue.
wrong! In the child's heart, even if the whole world does not recognize me, as long as you recognize me, the world is complete, and I have the strength to move forward.
As Hal's Moving Castle says, "As long as you have an affirmation, I'm brave enough." ”
Blowing is not education, and it is not love.
How bitter are the hearts of those children who have been begging for their parents' praise all their lives?
In 2017, Sogou landed on the New York Stock Exchange in the United States, and for CEO Wang Xiaochuan, the eighteen years of spring and autumn he paid finally blossomed.
At the milestone moment of life, the mother at the scene said: "Only 5 billion, look at Tencent Ali." ”
I don't know if something in his heart was silently shattered at that moment?
The literary scholar Rabelais said: "There is nothing more painful between people than the fact that the place where you think you deserve kindness and friendship has suffered annoyance and damage." ”
If this person is still his close relative, this pain should be doubled.
Wang Xiaochuan's resume, the golden life of a scholar:
At the age of 18, he won the gold medal of the International Informatics Olympiad, specially recruited to enter Tsinghua university to study computer science, became the youngest vice president of Sohu at the age of 27, was fully responsible for Sogou's strategy and operation management at the age of 32, and the 40-year-old Sogou company went public in the United States.
He said in an interview: "In my mother's eyes, she always thinks that other people's children will do this and that (in short, better than you)." ”
▲Screenshot of Wang Xiaochuan's interview
Some parents, who can never see the goodness of their children, blindly criticize and crack down, tearing apart their children's desire for value in the name of love.
Children who grow up in the negative energy field have a mental barrier that cannot be crossed.
In the thirteen invitation interviews, Jiang Wen rarely talked about the failure of life.
This man with sharp eyes and brilliant talents, holding countless awards in his hands and a dazzling halo on his head, actually said, "I am usually a very unconfident person." ”
Even if you have already advanced to excellence, there is a void in your heart, just like a kite flying in the sky, but you can't feel the line, the higher you fly, the less stable it is.
He said: "She (my mother) was not happy that I was admitted to the Chinese opera, she did not want to live when I bought a house, I don't know how to make her happy to see what I do." Sometimes I feel that life is not a trick, only to make a movie to fake a life, I return to reality, facing the same dilemma as a teenager. ”
▲Screenshot of Jiang Wen's interview
Success is like Jiang Wen, who has won praise from all over the world, but his heart is trapped in a desire that cannot be sought.
His mother had passed away the year before and he said "she didn't praise me in the end".
He lost the opportunity forever, and the wounds in his heart would never heal.
In the book "Send You a Horse", the writer Sanmao recorded the story of her and her father.
Since childhood, her father has been quite harsh on her and dislikes her works.
In 1983, Sanmao published "For Whom the Rising Sun Rises" in Lianhe Bao, and after reading it, his father changed his normal behavior and left a 127-word note to express his appreciation.
Sanmao finished reading the note and wrote:
The letter you left behind, read it quickly, read it again slowly, and tears came out of your eyes. Dad, at that moment, there was only one thought in my mind that I would die immediately. ”
The next sentence is more heartfelt:
"Waiting for your words, waiting for a lifetime, only waiting for you, my father, to say it yourself, affirms the inferiority and heart that I cannot eliminate in this family for a lifetime."
Her father's approval is the "Tao" that she has been pursuing all her life, and at that moment, it is the sense of relief of "hearing the Tao, and dying at night", as if the task of life has been completed, and she has no regrets.
Bo Bonnie asked, "How much sweetness does it take for a person to fill the bitterness in his heart?" ”
Ma Dong said: "Because it is too bitter, so a hint of sweetness is enough." ”
Father's affirmation is a trace of sweetness in that long bitterness, like fireworks that instantly illuminate life.
She said: "In this life, my husband appreciates me, my friends appreciate me, and my siblings appreciate me, but I can't untie the dead knot in my heart." For me, the sadness of a lifetime is not to earn the whole world, but to ask you to appreciate me. ”
The psychological impact of childhood is extremely far-reaching, and Sanmao, who oscillates between "toughness and vulnerability", "inferiority and conceit", eventually leaves the world in a suicidal way, perhaps, it is not unrelated to this.
Children who are often beaten not only have bitter hearts and are begging their parents for praise all their lives, but also because of the extreme lack of security and value, let them live in inferiority all their lives, always thinking that they are not good enough and worthy of the world.
What can really make children grow up healthily is the strength of children's hearts. How do you internalize your parents' expectations into your child's own strength? How to deal with the shortcomings of children's growth?
The only way is to understand, encourage and love.
Master the degree of criticism
Parents want to establish a good connection relationship with their children, and the book "The Power of Others" tells us that the ratio of praise and criticism is 6:1 for good connections, and 1:3 for bad connections, or even lower.
Use positive language
The book "Positive Discipline" says that parents should make good use of positive language to educate their children, avoid verbal abuse and personal attacks, and try to use negative sentences as little as possible.
I attended a psychological lecture on positive discipline.
Before the class, there was an interactive game: the instructor said the instructions, and everyone did it.
The two sets of instructions have exactly the same meaning, the difference being that one group uses positive language and the other uses negative language. For example: "Please sit down" and "Don't stand".
At the end of the game, the heart is poked hard, the negative language, especially harsh, people involuntarily anxious, tense, defensive.
Right thing is not right
The book "The Power of Others" says that a good connection relationship is not that there is no criticism, but that criticism is constructive and that it is not right for people.
Many parents, at every turn, scold their children for "stupid death", "you are not as good as a classmate", this kind of words, either venting, or provoking, is not education at all.
Education is about finding problems with children, analyzing the causes, and offering constructive advice and help.
Parents' mindset
To survive in the world, parents inevitably have a lot of pressure and emotions, and children often inadvertently become a punching bag.
Children have shortcomings, not that they cannot criticize, but when criticizing children, the parents' mentality is out of love or out of anger.
When encountering problems, first restrain for two seconds, with a receptive heart, a tolerant attitude, and a kind reminder.
Li Zongsheng has a song that lasts more than 6 minutes, "Newly Written Old Song", and countless people have heard it with tears.
In the vicissitudes of song, the estrangement between father and son, the regret of never being recognized, and the knot of the heart that has not been solved for a long life. It is not so much "words and harmony" as it is "nairobi".
This is also how many people in their hearts want to say that they can't say bitterness.
In countless film and television dramas, there is a big boss, which seems to be incomparably powerful, in fact, there is a big hole in the heart, and he has been performing all his life, just to prove to his parents that "I am not bad".
Parents are the child's way of coming, and it is also the child's way back.
We must understand that no matter how old the children are, no matter how dazzling the fame and fortune they have obtained in the world, the most precious thing in their hearts is the appreciation and affirmation from their parents.
* Author: Yun Kai, senior R & D engineer, freelance writer, love children love to write, left hand research and development, right hand literature and art, I believe that only the heart is fertile, the dream will blossom.
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