談戀愛怎麼那麼累？能不能少一點防備？

無論兩個人在戀愛初期有多麼甜蜜，但不可避免的是，随着時間流逝，随着彼此真正變得親密無間，就會接觸到對方性格中那些有害無益、平添麻煩、令人不快的方面，細節問題逐一展露，并逐漸激起強烈的失望和困惑，我們開始啟動防禦心理，害怕被羞辱和被抛棄，害怕被批評，哪怕它是溫和的。我們應該 怎樣才能克服防備心理，防止愛情走向毀滅？

How to Get Less Defensive in Relationships

如何在戀愛中減輕防禦心理

If we had to make one generalisation about why relationships fail, it would be this: because people get defensive. Defensiveness is behind a predominant share of the failure of all relationships.

如果我們非得總結一個戀愛失敗的原因，那就是：人們傾向于自我防禦。大部分失敗的戀愛背後都有防禦心理在作祟。

The difficulty is that there is no way of escaping the sort of situations that can trigger defensiveness. However sweet and fascinating two people  might initially be, it is just inescapable that they will also with time, and the birth of true intimacy, stumble upon aspects of one another’s characters that cannot help but generate difficulties and a degree of dismay. Each partner could be determined to be only kind, but the way that they shell an egg, leave the bathroom, deal with their suitcase on returning from a trip, handle the household keys or tell an anecdote will gradually unleash powerful degrees of frustration or puzzlement in those who have to share their lives.

難點在于，人們無法擺脫會引發自我防禦的那一類情況。無論兩人在戀愛初期有多麼甜蜜夢幻，但不可避免的是，随着時間流逝，随着彼此真正變得親密無間，就會接觸到對方性格中那些有害無益、平添麻煩、令人不快的方面。戀愛中人人都決心要好好表現，但他們剝雞蛋的方式、離開浴室的樣子、旅行歸來對行李的處置、保管房門鑰匙的辦法、以及談論轶事的口吻等，如此種種，逐漸在必須參與其生活的伴侶心中激起強烈的失望和困惑。

The problem starts when we, as partners, venture to air our responses. Our partners might get very angry or they might get very sad, but the underlying message from them to us will be the same: being found in some way imperfect is entirely unacceptable and deeply contrary to the spirit of true love.

當我們作為伴侶試着将意見說出口的時候，問題就來了。我們的另一半或是大發雷霆，或是黯然神傷，但他們想傳達的潛在資訊是一緻的：被戀人認為某些方面有缺陷是完全無法接受的，也與真愛的精神背道而馳。

‘Love me for who I am’ is the fateful rallying cry of all lovers headed for difficulties; because it is in reality a monstrously unfair demand to be asked to be loved just as we are, given our panoply of inevitable faults, compulsions and immaturities. With a modicum of self-awareness and honesty, we should only ever expect to be loved for who we hope to be, for who we are at our best moments, for the good that is in us in a latent but not yet realised state.

“愛我本來的樣子”是所有慘淡收尾的情侶宿命般的口号；畢竟，考慮到我們在所難免的種種錯誤、沖動和不成熟，要求别人愛我們原本的樣子實際上是個很不公平的要求。隻要有一點點自覺和誠實，我們就隻會期待别人愛我們理想中的樣子，愛我們高光時刻的樣子，愛我們身上潛藏但尚未實作的美好。

The spirit of true love should require that whenever there is feedback, we turn gratefully to our partner and ask for more, that we continuously search to access a better version of ourselves, that we see love as a sort of classroom in which our lover can teach us one or two things about who we should become - rather than a burrow in which our existing errors can be endorsed and ratified.

真愛的精神要求我們，每當伴侶給予回報，我們要懷着感激傾聽，并且尋求更多的回報；要求我們不斷努力成為更好的自己；要求我們把戀愛看做課堂，從戀人那裡學到一二自己該成為誰——真愛不是為我們現有的錯誤背書的無底洞。

A less-defended attitude isn’t a random gift. We begin to become less defensive when we take on board some of the following ideas:

低程度的自我防禦并非一種随機天賦。隻要我們接受一部分下述理念，我們的防禦心理就能有所緩解：

We can dare to admit our fear: Behind defensiveness, there is always a dread of being humiliated and abandoned. But a decent partner, if we let them know that we’re afraid, will be moved by our tender desperation and hasty fear. And they should help us to see that what there is really to be afraid of now is not criticism, but an inability to accept its gentle manifestations with grace.

我們可以勇敢承認自己的恐懼：在自我防禦背後，往往是對被羞辱和被抛棄的害怕。可是，一個好的戀人，在我們告知對方自己感到恐懼後，會為我們萌發的絕望和忙亂的害怕所打動。同時，他們應該幫助我們看到，真正要害怕的不是批評，而是無法大方地接受批評，哪怕它是溫和的。

Criticism is normal: If love really required an absence of even the most minor flaws, no one could possibly qualify for a relationship. Yet in reality, we are love-worthy not because we are perfect, but because none of us ever can be.

批評是正常的：如果愛情真的容不下一點兒瑕疵，那就沒人有資格談戀愛了。現實中，我們都值得被愛，不是因為我們足夠完美，而是因為我們誰也不完美。

Love isn’t fragile: In the defensive person’s mind, a tinny comment is like the small rockfall that announces an avalanche. There seems no way to trust that it really is just about how long pasta should be cooked, or the right way to make a bed; the underlying intention seems always to be to inflict a devastating wound on us and speed the entire relationship to a close. The defensive person has not had a chance to experience the robustness of love; how it is wholly possible to call someone the worst names in the dictionary and then, ten minutes later, to want to lie softly in their arms, tenderness having been renewed and reinvigorated by an opportunity to purge a given frustration. There can be ruptures - and then repair.

愛情并不脆弱：在懷有防禦心理的人看來，一個微不足道的意見就像一塊宣告雪崩的小落石。他們似乎沒法兒相信，這真的隻是關于意面要煮多長時間，或者鋪床的正确方法；伴侶的潛在意圖似乎總是給人造成毀滅性打擊，并加速整場戀愛的結束。防禦型人還未有過機會體驗情比金堅；怎麼可能十分鐘前還在用最惡劣的字眼稱呼對方，十分鐘後就想要輕柔地躺在對方懷中，在借助機會消除某種不滿後，柔情蜜意再度湧現，比以往更甚。關系可以破裂——然後得到修複。

True love is resilient; it’s not destroyed by a detail but only ever by the way that a detail can’t be acknowledged and processed. Defensiveness can be outgrown. When searching for a partner, we need to look out for someone who can join us in the heroic quest to recognise and overcome defensiveness. We might even raise this ambition on an early date. (We might say, ‘I’d like one day to move to the country, learn Spanish and, maybe with a lover’s help, get over my defensiveness…’ that’s what we might declare by way of introduction to our goals).

真愛是強韌的；毀掉它的不會是細節問題，而是細節問題得不到承認和處理。随着長大成熟，防禦心理會淡化。在尋找伴侶時，我們要找出一個願意加入我們的英勇探索、去承認和戰勝自我防禦的人。我們甚至可以早日提出這一雄心。（我們可能會說：“我希望某一天搬到鄉下，學習西班牙語，還有，也許在夫妻的幫助下，克服我的防禦心理……”在介紹自己的目标時，我們或許就會說這些）。

We could frame the attempt to listen to criticism without fury or hurt as belonging to one of life’s mightiest challenges - alongside sporting achievement or business success. Eventually, with a lot of effort, we could hope to reach a stage when a partner could point out with tact and humanity that we have bad breath or that our shoes don’t match our top and, rather than reacting as we have grown up to do, we could simply turn to them, smile benignly and say what flawed human beings should always respond with when another member of the species deigns to help them to grow into a better version of themselves. thank you.

我們可以将嘗試在聽到批評時不感到氣悶或受傷歸為生活中最艱巨的挑戰之一——與體育成就或商業成功相并列。最終，通過大量努力，我們有望達到這樣一個階段：伴侶可以委婉而留情面地指出，我們有口臭或者我們的鞋子與上衣不相配，同時，比起告訴對方自己改不了，我們隻需面向對方，寬和地笑笑，并說出當同物種的另一個成員費心幫助同類成長為更好的自己時，不完美的人類所該回應的話：謝謝。

本期譯制團：

翻譯：Yashu

總校：小良哥

source: The School of Life