Barkin wrote to me to learn more deeply
Suddenly, he became an octogenarian, and even he found it hard to believe. Now go down to the farm or dry school to work, it is estimated that the shoulder can no longer be picked, and the hoe can no longer be moved. But mentally, I don't feel old. I don't like to be helped up the stairs; I still get up as soon as the alarm clock rings in the morning; my hearing and vision are not greatly impaired, my brain seems to be as clear as before, and I react to everything around me and outside my body at any time; I suddenly remember the past like smoke, and suddenly meditate on the future. I have an old cousin who is confused in her 60s, her ears are no longer deaf, and her eyes are no longer bright. I was always afraid that I would become demented too, and thankfully, I was still so awake, and I wish I could wake up until the last moment.
Xiao Qian in his later years (1910.01.27-1999.02.11)
When I read foreign literature, I often pay attention to the metaphors they make about life. Some are likened to a cluster of foam floating on water, and some are likened to flowers that go from buds to decay. I was probably still influenced by the "reverse journey of all things in heaven and earth", and always regarded life as a journey. Some travelers take the flat road, while others have bumpy roads. Looking back on the road I have traveled in the past 80 years: childhood and middle age have suffered a lot, but youth and old age, but it is still smooth. The evening scene is more important, because during this period, the arms and legs are not working, and the ability to suffer is poor. I am glad that I can have a stable and comfortable old age. Looking back on this journey now, I realize that I was not a winner, but I was lucky.
At the end of the seventies, my old friend Barkin wrote to me to learn more deeply. Another old friend gave me eight big words: think of danger in times of peace, and never forget to worry. I think the past decade has become a little deeper and more down-to-earth. After going through the vicissitudes, I understand that people's encounters can change suddenly at any time.
Xiao Qian (second from left) and Ba Jin (first from right)
Therefore, on the one hand, I do not express my opinion on things rashly (sometimes even in housework, Jie Ruo is vague and ambiguous), but on the other hand, I will not be overwhelmed by the special honors I enjoy for a while.
In the past decade, the standard of living has greatly improved. Maybe it's closer to death, and I'm looking down on some, especially the material aspect. Ms. Ryuyingdai came to visit, saw me in the bathroom, and told my friend afterwards that the saddest thing about her time in Beijing was that I had to live in such conditions to spend my old age. Before she left and said goodbye, I explained to her that my current standard of living was in the middle of the middle among intellectuals. The leader has repeatedly said that he wants to further improve for me, but I don't want to leave my living standards out of the country. Some people try to live as wide as possible for their children and grandchildren. As for my children, when they were young, I did my best, and when they grew up, they should break in on their own. I broke out alone.
During the decentralization period, the public toilets were regarded as a place for social investigation
My life in love, the experience is also tortuous. At the age of eighteen, he fell in love with a Teochew girl with big eyes while teaching in Shantou. She was as destitute as I was. We sat side by side on the hillside, looking at the ocean-going ships entering and leaving the harbor, and dreaming of drifting in the South China Sea. The marriage was finally ruined by a big old man who had once funded her education.
At the age of twenty-nine, I met a female pianist in Kowloon and fell in love at first sight. At that time, I was already with the "little leaves". Chopping and chopping, rationalizing, I had to go to Europe alone. After the liberation of Paris in 1944, I learned that "Little Leaves" and the female pianist had each married and had a doll. I fell into the emotional vacuum. In 1946, a small but comfortable home was built in Jiangwan, but the home was soon torn apart by a gangster. It was the heaviest blow I had ever suffered in middle age.
In this regard, I was lucky because I finally found Jero, my Solvague. After three years of bonding, I was saddled with the black cauldron of "rightists." If she had left me at that time, it would have been humane, and there was nothing wrong with that. But she was "out of the ordinary," giving me the courage to continue living under humiliation. In the ten small articles of "Lifelong Events", I once summarized my own concept of love. I think that in the political struggle, it is even more possible to refine the truth. It is easy to share happiness and common prosperity, and only by sharing hardships and humiliations can we see the preciousness of the feelings between people.
Wen Jieruo and Xiao Qian
Some people think that in 1957, when I was forced to put down my pen and distribute it to the farm, I must have been miserable when I was planting seedlings and pulling grass in the field barefoot. In fact, most of the time I still laugh and giggle to live. To understand life, you can't stay in the upper echelons and have the upper hand everywhere. As a reporter who covers life, sweet and sour should be tasted. In the six years I lived in the "door hole", every morning I had to go to the public toilet in the alley, rain or shine.
In those years, I didn't miss the flush toilet cleaning bento. The public toilet was a slip of five pits. My left and right were either pedaling three wheels, watching bicycles, bricklayer carpenters, and a mechanic at the Beijing airport. Squatting there listening to them chatting is hilarious, some parents are short, some are distressed at work, and sometimes they talk about the "Cultural Revolution" – some of them are very incisive. Shusaku-jin has translated the masterpieces of the Japanese Edo period writer Shitei Sanma, "Ukiyo Bathhouse" and "Ukiyo Barbershop", and the author reflects the world through dialogue between men and women who enter and leave a bathhouse and a barbershop in Edo (formerly known as Tokyo). In those years, I used the public toilet as a kind of social investigation site.
I am not revolutionary material
When he was young, some friends thought that only by joining the army could they save the country, so they voted for Huangpu. I've known for a long time that I'm not a soldier. When I was studying at Fu Jen University, whenever I participated in military training, I couldn't stand in line, and when I started walking, I often couldn't distinguish between left and right. In 1932, a Spanish friend saw my English translation of "Wang Zhaojun" from Furen Magazine and wrote to me, and later he proposed to do some business with me. He sent me a batch of shaving knives and asked me to send him a few pairs of palace lamps. He made money there, but my blades were all gone. I know I'm not business material either. In 1934, When General Fu Zuoyi heard that I was a Mongolian and had the desire to experience life in the steppe, he invited me to inner Mongolia to become a petty official, but before becoming an official, I had to join the Kuomintang. This frightened me, so I hurried into the non-partisan Ta Kung Pao. Similarly, in 1947, the central government in Nanjing invited me to London through President Hu Lin of the Ta Kung Pao to succeed Ye Gongchao as the cultural commissioner. Fortunately, Boss Hu refused to let go at that time.
Among the colors, I prefer plain light, hate big red and green. In political campaigns, I tend to stand a little farther. I cursed the Cultural Revolution, not only because they smashed and looted, but also because I hated the language they used. For those who are not pleasing to the eye, they will "shell", "fry", and "slash with a thousand knives", and for those who support it, a "long live" is not enough, and it is necessary to shout "long live long live". I have always wanted to analyze the so-called "language of the Cultural Revolution" from the perspective of words and logic. But what the revolutionaries wanted was a clear banner, and I could understand the passion of the young revolutionary generals at that time. When the Peking students protested in 1925 against the British patrolling the shooting of Chinese workers and students on Nanjing Road in Shanghai, I was not so fierce. However, after decades of experience with the human world, I prefer to calmly analyze people and things rather than jump to conclusions. Such an emphasis on calm and objectivity dooms me not to be a revolutionary material.
Life is all about writing in black on a blank piece of paper
Even in literature, I am a little self-aware of my talents. In the thirties I always wanted to write long stories. After the Valley of Dreams was released in 1938, I vowed not to write long stories again. I know that I can still operate with my heart in a small world, that is, I can't control the big scene. But I always try to write my professional writing well. I am glad that the "Map of displaced persons" written during the flooding of Rusi in 1935 is still read by people, and some of them have been selected for textbooks.
Over the past fifteen years (1935-1950), a large number of communication features published in the Ta Kung Pao, although many of them were driven out under the oil lamps of chicken feather shops or in the march of the army, I poured my own efforts.
What I am most proud of is that since embarking on the road of creation, I have completely denied that I have any genius, and understand that everything can only rely on hard work and tireless efforts.
People often ask me in a hypothetical tone: What is there to regret in ordinary times? I am too pragmatic and have always thought that remorse is a futile or even unproductive emotion. Life is all about writing in black on a blank piece of paper. If you write with a pencil, you can also erase it, but it is impossible to write with a pencil, and that life is too tedious. There are always occasions when you have to write with a brush, and once you write it, you can no longer erase it, and you can't put a layer of paper on it, and the traces are still there.
Xiao Qian, who studied in England
Some people like to paste paper on the top, left layer by layer and layer by layer. I don't. Therefore, I have never regretted the choices I have made at the crossroads in my life.
When I was a teenager, I also had the ideal of a "cosmopolitan world", as if once all the reactionary classes and reactionary forces on the earth were overthrown, a utopia of freedom and equality that everyone had enough food and clothing would appear on the horizon. Since then, the earth has become a paradise. At that time, I also thought that there was a paradise at the end of the earth like the Buddhist paradise, where there was no more exploitation and oppression, suffering and bloodshed, and everyone was carefree, free and equal.
I survived on this belief.
"Articles are All Years", by Xiao Qian, Chongqing Publishing House, December 2015
Author: Xiao Qian
Editor: Shen Hexi