Recently, Grandma found that her 5-year-old granddaughter Huan Huan had a strange problem and liked to talk to herself alone in the air.
There was obviously no one in the room, but Huan Huan loved to say something to the air next to him. Grandma stepped forward and asked, "Who are you talking to?" ”
Huan Huan narrowed his small eyes and immediately denied, "There is no one, no one." ”
But when Grandma walked out of the room, she overheard Huan Huan say to the air, "Oh, fortunately Grandma didn't find out, don't let her know." ”
When Grandma heard this, she was instantly frightened into a cold sweat. She thought worriedly: "Legend has it that dolls have yin and yang eyes, I'm afraid I've encountered something unclean." ”
The superstitious old man immediately told Huan Huan's mother about his doubts. When Huan Huan's mother heard this, she smiled slightly and said, "Don't worry, there are no demons and ghosts, I'll deal with it." ”
At lunchtime, my mother seemed to inadvertently ask Huan Huan: "Is your invisible friend like you, who doesn't like to eat carrots?" ”
Huan Huan was stunned for a moment and asked, "How do you know?" ”
Mom said: "Many children don't like to eat carrots, but carrots are very nutritious, do we want her to eat a little too?" By the way, I don't know her name yet. ”
Huan Huan smiled and said, "Her name is Xiaoli, although she is a little shy, I will let Xiaoli eat a little more carrots." ”
Grandma looked at it inexplicably. After eating, she chased after Huan Huan's mother and asked, "What are you mother and daughter doing when they don't talk before and after?" ”
Mom said, "I'm just going to make sure that Huan Huan is not a fictional friend." ”
"Imaginary friend?"
"Yes," said Mom, "imaginary friends, among children around 5 years old, are a relatively common psychological phenomenon. ”
Therefore, the mother carefully explained to the grandmother the causes and consequences of this matter and the scientific reasoning.
As early as the 1930s, psychologists and educators abroad began to pay attention to this phenomenon that is widely present in children.
Many children often like to fantasize about a friend to accompany themselves. These friends have names, personalities, personifications, and can talk and play with them, only they can see, adults can't see.
In psychology, this is known as the phenomenon of "childhood hypothetical playmates".
Foreign researchers believe that about 60% of children have had imaginary friends; and some scholars in the domestic children's education sector have also proposed that at least 42.7% of preschool children have imaginary partners.
This year's Oscar-winning comedy film "The Whimsical World of Young Jojo" tells such a story.
A German boy of the war years, his imaginary friend, turned out to be the Führer at that time, Adolf Hitler.
Yes, this iconic fuehrer is always with Jojo, with a small belly, and according to a 10-year-old child's cognition of the adult world, he does all kinds of ridiculous things with children.
In the process of growing up, the child's brain continues to absorb, process and digest external information, which will bring them into various situations in real life and reproduce them in their own internal world through imagination. Imaginary friends are equal to a child's imagination and ability to understand the world.
Like what:
1. When children especially like a story, toy object or cartoon, they will create relevant imaginary partners to deepen and strengthen this love feeling;
2. When children feel bored or lonely, they will interact with imaginary playmates and obtain pleasant satisfaction;
3, when children make mistakes in reality, they will share the pressure of reducing criticism through imaginary playmates;
4) When children feel uneasy because of certain changes in reality, they will seek companionship, comfort and security from imaginary playmates;
……
Therefore, when parents see that their children have an imaginary playmate, they do not have to be frightened, they must understand that this is also a way for children to experience the world.
And such children tend to use their imagination to expand and extend the experience of reality, and their inner life experience is rich and sensitive. Therefore, Dr. Page Davis, a lecturer in psychology at York St. John's University, believes that children with imaginary friends tend to have better minds and strong empathy. He argues that:
Adults who had imaginary friends as children often opted for more creative jobs, and they claimed to be more creative.
Of course, it is not excluded that children with some language barriers and autism problems will also have their own imaginary friends.
Whatever the origin of the imaginary friend, its existence itself is normal. It may appear in the brain of any child, as long as the child uses his imagination to simulate and recreate reality.
Therefore, it is a way for children to develop their imagination, and it is a thing that children use to comfort their hearts and entertain themselves in this way.
Children's ability to express themselves is limited, and sometimes parents always say: "Children can't say it, it's difficult to capture their psychology." ”
In fact, through the child's imaginary playmate, we can also glimpse the child's real inner world.
1. Imaginary playmates remind parents that children need companionship and support.
The aforementioned Huanhuan, why would there be a hypothetical friend?
After thinking about it, Huan Huan's mother believes that because the kindergarten has not resumed classes due to the epidemic, Huan Huan has not had children playing together for a long time. She finds it boring to stay at home, so she fantasizes about a girl named "Xiaoli" and plays with herself.
Huan Huan herself is a relatively quiet and introverted personality, so the little girl she created will also be shy and afraid of seeing people, and she can't let her grandmother know. Since having the company of "Xiaoli", the feeling of staying at home with joy is not so boring.
The most common function of "imaginary partners" is to comfort children when they are bored, bored, lonely, or afraid of reality.
Now, as family units become smaller and more isolated, children are increasingly isolated from the social world. Except in kindergarten and school, most children are short of playmates. Especially when parents are busy with work and grandparents have no way to provide the companionship that their children want, hypothetical partners will arise spontaneously to meet the needs of children who are valued and needed.
There are also children who have encountered trauma in real life, such as losing family members, or parents having a second child and being snubbed, or parents divorcing and not caring about the children, they need an imaginary friend to help them digest and deal with various negative emotions, comfort and support their wounded hearts.
In the movie "Mommy Is Crazy Too", a traffic accident accidentally takes the life of the mother of the 7-year-old boy Albert, and since then, the boy has stayed in his fantasy every day, and his imaginary partner Bogus has always cared for him, comforted him, gave him strength, and accompanied him through the most difficult days of losing his mother.
It is not until finally the adoptive mother really enters the child's heart that the child's pain is released, and his life is healed and reborn in mourning, and then the imaginary partner of bogus finally disappears.
2, the imaginary partner let us see the child's true self.
My daughter Qianbao has a hypothetical partner named "Xiao Bai". One day, I saw that she was severely reprimanding Xiao Bai:
"Why don't you wear a mask?" There are a lot of viruses out there you know, if you get sick, you will die, are you not afraid of death? ”
Then Qianbao ran to me to complain: "Mom, Xiaobai is always unwilling to wear a mask, I said she didn't listen, she hated to die!" ”
It was at the height of the pandemic, and the child's actions made me reflect on my daily behavior. At that time, the family was a little too concerned, discussing the epidemic every day, spreading, the news of dead people, and teaching the child to pay attention to hygiene, which invisibly gave the child a great psychological impact.
Qianbao's actions show that she understands that something not so good is happening outside, and she is afraid of it, but deep down she has feelings of resistance and irritability, so she injects this fear and contradiction into the imaginary partner and expresses it through interaction with her.
Psychologist Daniel Siegel once said:
Younger children often memorize their life experiences through pretend games. By imagining life scenarios, they are able to practice new abilities and recognize and understand the social world they live in on an emotional level.
The child's interaction with the imaginary friend is the expression and reproduction of the child's inner world.
Understanding this expression is equivalent to seeing the child's true self.
Referring to the interaction between children and imaginary friends, parents can teach the adverse effects on their children in life in a timely manner, shape their children's correct cognition and values, and let the children's empathy, perception, sense of cooperation, and interpersonal skills develop benignly.
Imaginary friends are a protective layer of self and reality that children fantasize about.
Children are experienced in it to be cared for, strengthen their sense of self, and develop a firm sense of self-esteem.
However, it should not exist forever, otherwise this protective layer will become a cage trapping the child's social development.
Parents should know that the ability to distinguish between reality and illusion is indispensable in the process of young children's growth.
The age of children with imaginary partners is mainly concentrated in two peak periods, one is 2.5 to 3.5 years old, and the other is 5 to 9 years old. In this age, children gradually learn to peel away from illusion, and the subject and object are gradually perfected.
Having imaginary friends beyond the age means that the child is too addicted to the illusory self-imagination and cannot extricate himself, which is not conducive to the growth of the child.
So, how should we respond?
On the one hand, we must give the child full respect and show sufficient understanding and support for the child's behavior.
In the cartoon "Peppa Pig", Susie the Sheep has a hypothetical friend Leo the Lion, and when Mother Pig learns about it, she also cuts a cake for the invisible Leo.
In foreign countries, there is even an airport that uses "treating children with imaginary friends" as one of the staff training programs.
Like Grandma Huan huan at the beginning of the article, treating the child's imaginary friends as "heretical" and stopping them will only make the child feel deeply frustrated, and it is no wonder that Huan Huan is reluctant to let grandma know her imaginary friends.
On the other hand, we do not need to deliberately strengthen, but to be more aware of the child's inner world and more guidance for the child's social life.
From the child's interaction with the imaginary friend, we can understand the child's inner world and perceive the needs they have not expressed. At the same time, we should also accompany children with quality, and do not let children always play alone, feel bored and boring.
In addition, parents should also integrate their children into social life, encourage them to make friends and play with their children.
There is no need to deliberately strengthen, keep it natural, and be aware of and guide in time.
As long as parents treat them in a reasonable way, most imaginary friends will gradually disappear as the child ages.
And this kind of childhood full of imagination and full of countless colorful fun will also accompany and heal every child's life.
【Qing lang teacher's column "Buddhist Parenting Method: How to Become a Lying Winning Parent" is continuously updated, using the most accurate judgment to analyze the most complex parent-child relationship between the family, parents and children; using the most appropriate method, at the most appropriate stage, to give children the most effective parenting! Please pay attention to the column for more content]