| Consultant Lubo
Two people from strangeness to mutual knowledge and love, and then to the end of a lifetime, is a very happy and sweet process. But some people have a lot of anxiety in love, and even doubt whether they have a problem.
In fact, there is no need to worry too much, the psychology of anxiety in love or marriage is a normal phenomenon, learning to self-regulate, you can well eliminate anxiety and create a harmonious atmosphere.
01
What is it like to have a premarital anxiety disorder?
Marriage is the happiest moment in life, but many people will have some inexplicable thoughts before marriage, and even begin to be afraid of marriage, then it is likely to have premarital anxiety disorder.
Let's take a look at which behaviors are manifestations of premarital anxiety disorder:
1) The mood that was originally joyful suddenly became restless.
When it comes to getting married, the original joyful mood will become uneasy and even fearful. This is because marriage requires a major change in life, from one person's life to two people's lives.
For the unknown life, everyone will have a sense of fear to a greater or lesser extent. Especially in people who have been hurt in their feelings, this mood will be more intense.
The preparation before marriage is also complicated, which can also make people stressed.
When the pressure reaches the point where you can't bear it, you will want to escape or even have the idea of not wanting to get married.
2) Temper becomes grumpy, and if there is something unpleasant, you want to get angry.
Falling in love is a matter for two people, but marriage is really a matter for two families.
In the process of preparing for the wedding, there may be times when the two families disagree or have conflicts.
At this time, many people will miss the time when they were in love, there was no pressure, no need to take responsibility, and there was no worry, and they would also have the idea of not wanting to get married.
3) Always worry about future conflicts in life.
Now many TV series portray the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law as somewhat terrifying, many girls will worry about whether they and their future mother-in-law can get along well before marriage, etc. These problems, worry that they can not integrate into each other's family, think more, it is easy to produce anxiety.
When these anxieties arise before marriage, don't be overly nervous, not because we have a problem, but just a fear and worry about an unknown life.
The pressures brought about before marriage cannot be underestimated, and these pressures sometimes come inexplicably because we are about to enter a new stage of life and have to take on more responsibilities.
In the face of this fear and anxiety, we must learn to release our own pressure, communicate more with our lovers, tell him the anxiety in our hearts, learn more about his family, and do something to relax ourselves.
Don't always think about how troublesome it is to get married, think more about the sweetness of two people living together, and this anxiety will slowly disappear.
If you put too much pressure on yourself for a long time, not only can you not solve any problems, but you will turn yourself into a "hedgehog" and become afraid to get close.
In fact, every good marriage requires two people to constantly explore, and even the best marriage will have various situations, as long as the two people are together, there is no obstacle that cannot be passed.
In addition to premarital anxiety, there are some other anxieties in love, the most common is that I always feel that the other party does not love me, in fact, this is also a manifestation of anxiety.
02
Excessive anxiety can make a relationship lose both
1) Behind excessive anxiety is often insecurity.
Xiaoxiao and her boyfriend have been together for a while, but she always feels that her boyfriend does not care about herself as much as before, and she has become particularly sensitive.
Once she called her boyfriend, the boyfriend did not hear, and then called her back, she received a phone call and said angrily: "How did you answer the phone, I called you so much, why did you go?"
The boy said, "I'm busy, I didn't hear it, I won't see it and I'll give it back to you immediately." ”
The girl also said: "Recently you are always busy, do not care about me at all, I have been in a bad mood lately, you don't know how to coax me, are you not in love with me?" ”
The boy hurriedly apologized, explaining that he had been too busy recently, the girl hung up the phone angrily without listening to the explanation, and the boy also sighed.
There are many people who say that this girl is a bit unreasonable, and such a small matter escalates to the question of whether to love or not to love.
In fact, this behavior is caused by the girl's excessive anxiety.
When she has this anxiety, she pays too much attention to her boyfriend's behavior. If there's a little bit of something she doesn't like, she thinks she's right — her boyfriend really doesn't love himself anymore and wants to get the other person's attention by throwing a tantrum.
This anxiety is mostly caused by being too attached to the other person. Just like when we were young, some children were particularly attached to their mothers, and when they left their mothers, they would be anxious and cry.
This kind of insecure behavior is mostly due to trauma, such as leaving the mother for a period of time or not getting the love of the mother for a while, such a child will be too attached to the mother.
If they are adults, then it is likely that they have been emotionally traumatized, and when similar situations occur again, they will associate them together, start to think wildly, become sensitive and anxious.
They like to let each other pay attention to themselves through this excessive emotion, just like children, who often cry to attract the attention and love of adults.
In fact, psychological research shows that many behaviors in love will be more similar to the behavior of babies, just like the girl just mentioned in the case, her anxiety will be very clingy, once she can't feel the love of the other party, it will become anxious or even irritable, psychological extreme insecurity, afraid of being abandoned by the other party.
2) How to rescue excessively anxious love?
If this anxiety in the relationship is not well released, it will eventually make both people lose.
When a girl loses her temper for the first time, boys are generally afraid, reflect on their problems, apologize, and buy gifts to coax girls. But when you are often tortured: do you love me or not, boys will also have a certain boredom.
Studies have shown that making each other feel guilty can indeed make themselves feel happy about being loved in a short period of time, but if they have been making each other feel guilty, then they will also "feel tired and not loving", they will feel that love is a very painful and tiring thing, and a casual move of their own will make the other party angry, and in the end it can only make both sides lose.
So if this mentality arises, how should we alleviate it:
First of all, we can ask ourselves: why are we afraid that the other person does not love us, is he really not loving us, or because we have no confidence in ourselves?
This is an issue that we have to face squarely.
When you are calm, you can try to think back to the past of your love affair, and judge whether he really doesn't care about himself at all.
By recalling some small things, if you find that the other party still loves you, then don't put whether you love me or not in the future.
If you find that he is only hypocritical about himself, then the relationship should end early and do not let yourself get deeper and deeper.
Second, try to exercise your ability to be alone.
Even if two people love each other again, they must keep a little distance, and do not want to be able to stay with each other all day as soon as they are in love. You can try shopping alone and eating alone.
In fact, when we start trying to be alone, we will also find the joy of being alone.
One can calm down and rationally analyze the problems that occur.
In the past, you may only alleviate the anxiety in your heart through the other party's apology, but when you are alone, you must try to learn to digest these negative emotions. And when we don't push the other person too tightly, he will become more proactive and enthusiastic.
Finally, learn to take charge of your own life.
People become anxious because we put our happiness in each other's hands.
If the other person loves us, we are happy; if the other person does not love, then we will cry a lot?
In fact, it is not necessary to do this, the reason why we suffer from gain and loss is because we do not have a sense of control, that is, we always like to put the decision into the hands of the other party.
For example, even such a small thing as eating, I can't pay attention to it, hoping that the other party will decide, and it is difficult for such a person to have the initiative in love.
Girls with power will guide the other party's bad emotions to a normal state through their own way when they feel the changes in each other's emotions.
If she feels that the other person is not as enthusiastic about herself as before, they will use a little skill to get the other person back to the previous state.
But girls without the initiative will begin to be anxious and unconfident, and begin to use crying or even excessive behavior to make the other party feel guilty, thus attracting the attention of the other party.
The so-called sense of control, the most important thing is to learn to control their emotions.
When we become uncool and want to start losing our temper, we can calm down first, think about the words before saying them, because the words we say are like water spilled out, and we can't take them back.
Anxiety is a common emotional problem in modern people, although it is not a big problem, but if it is not handled well, especially in the relationship, it will make people become full of holes, so we still have to face up to this problem.
Anxious emotions can make people irritable, unable to think about problems normally, and become suspicious.
When we find ourselves having this anxious behavior, we must first learn to relax ourselves, we relax ourselves, and the other party will also relax.
Sometimes love is like a tight curse, the more we want it to tie a person tightly, the more painful the other person is, so don't let our love become the other person's bondage.
Author | Lu Bo is an emotional counselor who has focused on the emotional field since 14 years. He specializes in emotional focus therapy, which helps clients achieve emotional transformation in the experience, thus solving a series of problems in the relationship.