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01
Although selfishness is human nature, we cannot say in general terms that selfishness is justified. Whether selfishness is reasonable or not varies from person to person.
Some people are selfish, they think for their own sake, and at the same time they do not count others, and everything is within a "feasible" range, which is reasonable selfishness, not only should not be restrained, but should also be carried forward.
And those who calculate others in order to fulfill themselves, do not care about the feelings of others, do not consider whether what they do is feasible, and do whatever it takes to achieve their own ends, which is not reasonable selfishness. The selfish people that everyone usually dislikes should be this kind, not the former.
These two kinds of people are easy to distinguish, but unfortunately, we tend to be careless when we get along with people. The reason for the carelessness is that we are indoctrinated with so many stereotypes that when we get along with people, the first thing we think of is to be kind to people, not to be defensive, not to think too badly of others, which will lead to even if we meet selfish people, it is difficult to find out in time.
As my friend Xiaohong said: "If I had learned how to judge whether a person is selfish earlier, recognized the true face of the selfishness of the in-laws, and not let the marriage begin, I would not have lost so much." But it's not too late to recognize it now, and what has been lost can't stop the loss, but after the divorce, I can no longer be counted, and it's good! ”
02
Xiaohong did not know how to judge whether others were selfish before, not because she could not understand the key, but because she only wanted to be kind to people, only wanted to be a good wife, only wanted to have a good relationship with her in-laws, not only did not think about calculating the in-laws, nor did she consider whether the in-laws would calculate themselves, so there was no fortification.
Very few people can be happy in this way, you have no prescience, do not make any preparation, just give everything to nature, even if you meet a good person, your tolerance may become an indulgence to others; and if you meet not a good person, the end can be imagined, you will be calculated.
Xiaohong met not a good person, her ex-husband Ah Peng married her just to figure her out of money, from the beginning identified her as a fool of money, and he did not want her to have money, thinking that marrying her could find a cash cow for his family.
Based on this fact, Xiaohong has experienced two such things after marriage.
The first thing, in Appen's view, since the cash cow has arrived, there is no need to continue to disguise, there is no need to continue to please her, you can rest assured that you can be bold to love others, anyway, there is no money to spend.
The second thing, the mother-in-law took the lead in coveting her money, in addition to personally asking her for money under various pretexts, she always asked her for money through Appen. The point is that she only wants money for money, just like a little bit of cannibalizing Xiaohong's property and trying to take her money for herself.
If there had been no betrayal in the marriage, and the in-laws had been asking for money by currying favor with her, she would not have woken up so early. But it was different to have a betrayal in marriage, she suffered betrayal and was used as a cash cow, she felt that she was too unfair to herself, and finally in the case of not being able to let Apeng return to the family, she decisively chose to divorce.
She looked back at the marriage, and with what they had heard from other people about her in-laws' family, she realized what that marriage meant to her: "To their family, they are just a cash cow, they just want me to have money, and think that I am stupid and have a lot of money, thinking that as long as I don't beat me and scold me, I can always spend my money, which is really selfish and outrageous!" ”
The in-laws were more deeply touched than hers, they thought that it was nothing to lose Xiaohong, but the family had developed a habit of spending money in a big way, and originally expected Xiaohong to be a cash cow for a lifetime, but they lost it halfway, and they soon had no money to spend, so they began to ask Xiaohong to remarry through a weak way, just like her mother-in-law said: "Remarry with my son!" Not only can he not live without you, but our family cannot live without you! ”
The mother-in-law thinks that she does not talk about money, as long as she plays the emotional card, she can save Xiaohong, but she did not expect that Xiaohong has awakened, so the reply she got was: "Auntie, poor and crazy, don't look for me, don't play the emotional card with me, it's useless, I have recognized the true face of your family, all you care about is money, just figure I have money, I want to continue to let me be a cash cow for your family, I will not be deceived again, I have lost too much money, the rest I want to leave for myself to spend, will not accept anyone's calculations!" ”
03
Xiaohong experienced the experience summarized after that marriage, in fact, it is very simple, if she does more preparation before marriage, more to judge, you can understand the key earlier, you can fundamentally stop the loss in time, do not let yourself share the failed marriage, do not let yourself lose so much money.
She did not understand earlier how to judge whether a person is selfish, first, because she herself only cares about being kind to others, only cares about generosity, and has no defensive heart; second, because she does not understand the basis for judging whether a person is selfish or not.
The former reason is easy to understand, which is the stereotype we mentioned earlier. The latter reason is the problem of not being careful, because the problem is there, and if you don't study, if you don't study and think, you can't grasp the basis for judging whether a person is selfish.
Judging whether a person is selfish or not is actually very simple, in two ways.
The first way is to look at a person's conversation.
Talk does not refer only to the way of speaking, but to the general term for various speeches and behaviors. People who are not selfish, or people who are reasonable and selfish, because they do not want to calculate others in the past, so they will not deliberately please others, will not say something that makes people sound very abnormal, for example, if a person keeps praising you, saying that you are perfect and successful, such a person is 100% selfish, he is not pure in purpose, praise you is to calculate you as a preparation, and there is a possibility of looking down on you in his heart, it is precisely because he looks down on you too much, so he will in turn say so many words of praise.
The second way is to look at a person's temper.
Judging whether a person is selfish or not through a person's temper should be seen in conjunction with the above-mentioned conversation. If a person gets benefits from you, such as after borrowing money, and immediately turns her face and does not recognize people, or when you ask her for money, she turns her face to you and says, "Isn't it just a little money?" Are you so selfishly chasing after me? Something like that, there is no doubt that such a person is selfish. Especially xiaohong's mother-in-law, who is very selfish, has brought harm to others, in order to achieve a certain purpose, and pretends to be weak, posing as a good temper, this kind of person is not only selfish but also stupid, because in their hearts, others are very stupid, they should be calculated by themselves.