Hu Yanbin's most curious question is: How will he look at feelings now?
This summer, Hu Yanbin appeared on the marriage documentary observation reality show "Goodbye Lover", watching three couples (or former couples) facing emotional crisis embark on an 18-day journey to express their opinions through the stories of others.
He shows an understanding of people, of relationships. As a viewer, he rarely has that kind of reflexive expression (seeing tacit understanding feels sweet, seeing conflict feels terrible), more through thinking, layered analysis, often from the perspective of others is not easy to perceive, accustomed to observing the emotional needs behind a person in the details. From those points of view, it can be seen that he is a person who has rolled and thought hard in real relationships.
He acknowledges his rationality and reality. Among the three pairs of guests, he had a lot of confusion about Guo Keyu and Zhang He, had a lot of confidence in the future of Tong Chenjie and KK, and fully empathized with Wang Qiuyu.
Hu Yanbin's observations in the show have aroused many resonances and have also attracted a lot of controversy. How a person should face the complexity of love and intimate relationships, how to strive to perceive and empathize, how to face doubts and incomprehensions, how to look at inevitable harm and their own bottom line, how to establish the healthiest concept of love as possible – with these curiosities, we interviewed Hu Yanbin.
Two months after the recording, in a small teahouse in Shanghai's Jing'an district, Hu Yanbin still felt a lot about Wang Qiuyu. Wang Qiuyu's always hard, adult-dignified truth still deeply poked at his heart, and even his eyes were slightly red in an instant.
He said that he now longs for marriage and wants to find a woman with ideals and material things, and to live a material and undesirable life.
He believes that he has a strong mind, and has been supported by the combined force of work, family, friendship and love for many years, and he also admits that he is not satisfactory in various dimensions of intimate relationships. He longs for love, and if he has to say that he has any self-doubt, he does not know how to fall in love, because he does not know how to start, just like not cooking for too long and forgetting how to do it. Despite this, he still longs for love. Recently, he also vaguely felt that in addition to the courage to fall in love, he had recently grown the courage to get married, willing to bear, and even if he lost, he would face divorce one day, and he was willing to pay the bill.
The following is Hu Yanbin's understanding and narration of love and intimacy.
Text | Liu Yang
Edit | Locust Yang
1
I'm longing for marriage right now. I have a music partner named Gu Su, who has been working together for more than ten years, and his family is very happy. Recently I asked him: From your point of view, what is the most important thing I should do now in my life? He said, fall in love, get married, have kids, and don't do anything else. I asked: Why? Isn't it the variety show, album, concert or whatever I'm about to record right now? He said, no. You are single, you make the choice for the second half of your life, often from the perspective of singleness to think, may have to reverse in the future, because after you become a family, many previous choices are not suitable. However, if you are married today, your choices are all based on family choices, and the correct rate will be high. I think he makes a lot of sense. I am actually quite rational, he also spoke out of my inner yearning, now at this age if there is an emotion in a marriage, it will make life more full.
Lately, I've been asked by people around me: What kind of people do you really like? I really thought about it for a long time and summed it up in one sentence: I want to find a woman with ideals and no materialism, and live a life with material and non-ideals.
I think that with their own ability, there should be no material foundation, so if two people are particularly pure, idealistic and non-material people, after they are together, they do not have to think about this problem, nor do they need to adjust or change the original ideal for marriage, we will go forward according to the agreement.
"Goodbye Lover" has given me a lot of thoughts about love and the future, and I will now substitute for it, such as this woman with me, what do I like about her today, if put into the future life, will I continue to like it? If not, that's my question: what exactly do you like about her?
In short, the emotional link of the material is too simple to withstand a long period of scrutiny, and it is not in line with my values. It's wonderful to have ideals, so I want such an emotional relationship.
The observation room is very much like a premarital study class, watching a lot of failed experience, is to tell you a truth: these pits, you can't escape one. But when you encounter a problem, how to face it, this is what we have to learn. I'll have a new understanding. First, marriage really can't be impulsive, I don't recommend flash marriage, those impulsive behaviors will be your future pit. Second, marriage sometimes needs encouragement and praise, marriage is a community, individuals want to maintain their independence in the community is extremely difficult, it is necessary for us to overcome, marriage is to give, not to get, you have to be ready to pay and then think about this matter, say what I can get married - it's over.
Marriage is just a starting point. There is also a lot to learn. If you can learn by watching variety shows, then marriage is also too easy to understand. The real course needs to be stepped on by yourself, you must be clear, there must be a solution to the problem, and the most important thing is whether you are willing or not.
Anything can be solved, whether it is an emotion, a career, a job, and the only way to solve it is to make trade-offs. What you want to get, first think about what you want to give up, if you don't understand, you want, then you are not an adult. You can talk about it as an adult compromise, and behind the compromise is that you know what is most important to you.
For example, I went to Beijing in 2004, in my early 20s, returned to Shanghai in 2015, and in my 30s, I have been living in Beijing for 11 years, but my mother is not used to living there. She said to me, you do the math, you are now in your 30s, even if you come back two or three times a year, we will not see each other more than 100 times in the future. As soon as I quantified it, I had a sense of crisis. At that moment, if I had a choice between my career and my family, I wanted to spend more time with my family, so I went back to Shanghai. In that process, I had to constantly ask myself, it was very painful, my whole circle of life was in Beijing. If you are willing to give up the pain, then you have not given up. Often it's the knife that you give up that really hurts, and you can get something else.
Courtesy of respondents
2
Although I yearn for marriage, but at the stage of getting married and being sure to find true love and get married again, these two things fight in my head every day, and I feel that I am in danger.
Danger, is very afraid of the pressure of this society, the pressure of the family, the pressure of their own self, and even the pressure of the surrounding atmosphere, friends are married, the children are hugging here, from time to time to send me a photo to say come to see the baby, I look, wow - I am really old, I watched children when I was a child, oh so annoying, now see, how to like it so much. Parents often say that the day you don't hate children proves that you have grown up. Suddenly one day it was understood. It is the pressure that these atmospheres give you, and you will find that you are really looking forward to a family and wanting a marriage. When a person wants it very much, his perspective will be blinded, meet a person, and soon get married, and it is easy to make mistakes. If you make a mistake, you're going to pay for it.
I was a little afraid I would get carried away by wanting too much, meet a marriage that only saw 30% of the marriages, and rushed in. Pretty scared.
Guo Keyu and Zhang He may have rushed into the marriage. I don't have much doubt about them personally, just don't understand their relationship, or can't agree with. I'm a person who doesn't waste my time, and if I'm with someone for ten years without talking about a thing thoroughly, and there's a pillow between them in their sleep, I think that's what it's all about. I can't accept such intimacy. To tell the truth, I was flustered when this man slept next to me, I didn't know you. Isn't it scary if a person lies next to you for ten years without taking off your makeup? You don't see it.
Ten years, with my personality, may have solved this problem very early. Because I believe there is no one who is not serious about marriage. It's no joke, you have to take your hukou to register, this action is very sacred, and every word you have been asked at the wedding is a soul torture - life, old age, illness and death, never abandon. A promise has been made to the other person, but behind it is an empty, false feeling -- as if I have loved, as if I have been married, as if I have lived for ten years, all as if. Wow, I haven't understood it until today. They must have a lot of reasons, and they may not want to talk about it in front of the camera.
They told a story about a parking lot, Guo Keyu said can you not talk to the security guard so loudly, Zhang He said that the security guard is wrong, he must do this (to solve the problem quickly). The language system of two people is not the same. She said there is a restaurant where we must go together once, the dish is difficult to eat, but the hostess's earrings are very beautiful, but Zhanghe wants to ask, what exactly did you eat. One is to talk about reality, and the other is to depict the atmosphere. Two people may agree with each other at the bottom, but the surface seems to be incompatible.
In short, how ten years have passed, I do not understand. Guo Keyu said that her love savings were gone, and I couldn't understand it.
You have to rely on details and bits to protect the savings of love, and what love is most afraid of is that after getting a license or establishing a relationship, it will be put there, just like a child buying a toy, three minutes of heat, playing and putting it there, never going to see it again. I don't think love is like that. Love needs to be constantly cared for, cared for, and communicated.
How to protect the ability to love from being consumed? I think to get fit, hormones to get up. People who are not in good health do not have the ability to love. When you are dying in a hospital bed today, will you still want to love? No. People who have the ability to love will still retain the nature of animals. Hormones are an impulse, and with this energy, you choose how to love.
Hu Yanbin's handwritten letter in the program Is sourced from Hu Yanbin's Weibo
3
"Goodbye Lover" was finally recorded, and I met three pairs of guests. I told Zhu Yaqiong, I don't know if you will regret it, if I were a woman, I would regret it in another 5 years. Sincerely. Lao Wang is an extremely real person, his good qualities are extremely real, and his bad qualities are extremely real.
The most scolded me on the Internet is that I am quite lao Wang, saying that Hu Yanbin is always a man's perspective - really not. I judge a man particularly simply, first and foremost whether he is sincere enough. If his point of view is flawed, but sincere enough, then I think there is salvation and can still be talked; if he is not sincere enough, not real enough, then don't talk about it, there is no meaning.
Lao Wang is a down-to-earth man with a traditional concept of family thinking, male outside and female inside. Zhu Yaqiong wants a fairytale romantic love, she feels that I don't care about real things, I want you to be willing to give everything for me, even if we eat a bowl of noodles today, we are both together, this feeling is romantic. Lao Wang is, I want to give you the best, your life can not be just like this, you have to be very safe, you have to be a good mother, our children must thrive. The two of them were completely misplaced.
Lao Wang and Zhu Yaqiong have an age gap, blinded by a lot of the real status quo, really fell in love, found that the biggest shining point in each other, what you originally loved, today has become your burden, become the most hated.
What kind of communication is ineffective? I think it's a false communication, an insidious communication. In the last issue, they asked 36 questions, and the ones that made me cry the most were Lao Wang and Zhu Yaqiong, and the two of them talked too thoroughly. I believe that as long as a man is smarter, he will not talk as thoroughly as Lao Wang, why doesn't he say something decent? Lao Wang as a screenwriter, a 40-year-old man, he coaxed a little girl, to put it bluntly, not minute by minute. I think he cherishes Zhu Yaqiong extremely, and the truth is also cruel to himself.
Zhu Yaqiong actually lived hard with Lao Wang, and that hard work is that Lao Wang will always be a teacher, and what I always get here is revision advice, but it has never been recognized. Recognition needs to be established with each other, and this recognition is the basis of trust and love, and it cannot grow without giving that soil. What she wanted to get was something she couldn't get in Lao Wang.
So at this moment, I encourage Zhu Yaqiong, if you think well, I also encourage you to find what you want most in your heart. Unfortunately, in another five or ten years, you may find that there are still many people out there who can give you romance, and there are not many people who give you solidity. Being down-to-earth is more rare than romantic. Romance is a plus in life, and a real and down-to-earth life is the basic guarantee. Lao Wang is a good man, and romance can be created through the efforts of two people.
I believe it's pretty hard to find someone who is a perfect match. Two people together must be compromised by one party, and you must not feel that it is your ability, that is his ability.
Zhu Yaqiong is actually challenging things that Lao Wang will never be good at, for example, Lao Wang feels that she is contrived like this, but she must challenge, that is not good. For example, a girl said every day, you accompany me to go shopping is not good, can not wear a hat, we both walk hand in hand in the square, show love. I can't stand it, so why bother? Always challenge the side you are not good at, let you pay, make you hurt inside, prove your love for her, I can't stand it.
Lao Wang was indeed negligent in falling in love, in the emotions of the two people, he always said that his son was first, but he recalled all his beautiful and happy times, all with Zhu Yaqiong. This man lived a very sad life. He is not saying that Zhu Yaqiong I don't love you and I don't give it to you, but that he doesn't love himself at all. This is what makes Lao Wang feel my heart ache. He must first learn how to love himself before he can learn how to love others. Today is the weekend, even if I am single, I go to enjoy the afternoon sun for a while, the Air in Shanghai in October is the best - he doesn't have this kind of thing, he just writes the script.
If I were Zhu Yaqiong, I might dig my heart and lungs out to tell Lao Wang that I don't want my man to be a person who only loves work and doesn't love himself, and that he will live a lifetime, and that we will both live together, and I should make you fall in love with yourself, love life, and fall in love with me. He didn't have that page in his dictionary. If I were his other half, I would definitely help him fill this page, and he is really a good man after making it up. If you can't make it up, you really can't make up for it.
I have been speaking for Lao Wang, really not intentionally, Lao Wang understands many points. People who are not affected by all the factors of the outside world and insist on their own positions, I like it in my bones. Lao Wang didn't fit in inside at first, and finally everyone understood him, and he didn't change. When a group of people chat together, you will find that most people will look at other people's faces, listen to others, and change their strategies and attitudes. An adult, it's too easy to want to please, too easy to give decency, hello, hello, hello, goodbye. But if you're not serious, it's you who lose. Few people have the opportunity to open it like this, and I like that the pair of Lao Wang and Zhu Yaqiong is here, and the two of them talk too thoroughly. It's a little uncomfortable to think about.
Screenshot of the "Goodbye Lover" program
4
In the last era of parental love, there is a kind of life called living together, because the cost of living together is relatively low. My parents didn't know each other for long, my dad said, let's get married, the unit will immediately give me a suite. In a word, my mother is like a demon, good! That's it. But the two of them were very happy.
Not in our day. Today's young people are that I can live well, you can live well, marriage, love increases our cost of living, not decreases. So what to do? It's better to live by yourself, and it's harder to be willing to be together.
When a notice is in front of you and a relationship is going to develop vigorously, how do you choose? Most people say it can be balanced, but artists can't balance. It takes time to fall in love, and I can't give time. In fact, trade-offs have also been made. Don't I want to be in love? No. I think that love after a certain age needs to work hard, you need to attack, to seize the opportunity, to create opportunities for yourself, if you wait for the day to eat, do not rely on love to rely on fate, no.
Childhood love was impulsive, look intuitive. Now love, the goal is very clear, that is, I want to have a home. This is my current view of love. Love can't burn continuously, just like people who have been feverish all the time will burn out their brains. After people grow up, their mentality changes, and emotions need to be slowly boiled. How important a person is to you depends on how long he/she has been in your life. I don't need a short love, something short isn't worth taking time, only something lasting, long,and eternal is worth taking time. This is true both in love and at work.
In love, I'm not a man who is too good or too bad; my worst enemy is work. In the past, I thought I could balance well, but in fact, I didn't make a trade-off, the time was 24 hours, was it for love or for work? The truth still gave the job. But I believe that if a workaholic is willing to give up work and pay for the other person, he is really in love.
Today's me and the past me must be different. The essence is your bottom line, cognition is your line, cognition changes is the choice, cognition changes, the choice will be different. Looking back at the past, how it was done, I think it is quite good. Have any regrets? some.
People's hearts are supported, work, family, love, friendship, combined, make your heart bigger. Being an entertainer, starting a business, from a very happy family to a single-parent family later... They are constantly training me. I have come to this day because I have learned to admit defeat and let go, some things do not need to be broken, you want to think about what the price is. You have to be clear and clear, and in the end you will really be exhausted. In intimate relationships, don't test the bottom line of human nature. That's what I said to myself. Too much bloody reality.
I also have no self-doubt at all, I have to say doubt - will I still be in love? This is what I asked myself recently. I feel like I'm not talking about being in love anymore and don't know how to start. If I do meet a girl who I like, how do I get to know her? How do you start falling in love? I'm really a little bit out of it.
However, I used to have only the courage to love, and now I have the courage to get married. It turned out that we could divide and take responsibility. And marriage is a community, you are willing to give everything for her, even one day you divorce, you are willing to pay.
I was chatting with a friend. He said what premarital property, marital property, how to avoid the loss of marital property, lawyers can help you plan the routine... I'll talk a lot about it, and I'm going to recommend it to you after you're done. I said I don't. If I have the courage to get married, my heart is to let myself take on these responsibilities, and if I lose, I have to follow the rules of the game. Don't use techniques that you think are particularly clever to avoid, since you already have this kind of thinking before marriage, it is actually the cost of your marriage. Whether you can bear and face it is the most important reason why you want to get married. This ability is something I've just grown.