1.
Masochistic education is actually guilt education
I once saw a story that surprised me. A more mischievous little boy who does not listen to the discipline of his parents. Once the father was sick and hospitalized, and in the hospital bed, he advised his son to study hard, and then found that the child actually listened, and that period of time was particularly hard.
Later, the father felt that this trick was quite effective, and whenever the child disobeyed, he pretended to be in pain and pretended to be sick. At first, the son was indeed "trained" to obey, but after a long time, the son began to rebel, and the father's methods no longer worked. So the father began to beat himself, even prick his own fingers, in exchange for the obedience of the child.
But every escalation of the father's masochistic behavior is deeply hurting the child, and the child is increasingly unaware of how to face him and wants to stay away from his control. The child has fear and resentment in his heart, but there is nowhere to express it. Constantly choosing self-harm to protest.
Such a tragedy should not have happened, because the father's intention was out of love, but he used an extreme way. He abuses himself and wants to impress his son, unaware that his actions are a disguised punishment for both sides.
He is punishing himself for losing control of his son, and he is also punishing his son for disobedience. For the little boy, what he felt at first was guilt, but in the end it escalated to hatred and helplessness, and even lost himself.
Such love is suffocating because the essence is out of control. In fact, many parents do not realize that their love will turn into harm to their children.
2.
Self-masochistic educators are even more emotional blackmailers
Psychologist Susan. Foward defines this type of controlling behavior in the name of love as emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail usually occurs in intimate relationships, and it is precisely because both parties cherish each other's relationship that the blackmail is effective.
Self-abuse educators are typical emotional blackmailers who seem to hurt themselves, but they are exchanging their actions for control. For children, parents are the authorities in the process of growing up, and masochistic behavior will only make children fearful. And once parents use their sacrifices and sacrifices to demand their children, the children will only obey because of guilt.
Also as Susan. According to Foward, fear, responsibility, and guilt are the most common feelings in the mind of the manipulator, and the masochist often controls the other's emotions and behaviors by transmitting these three feelings.
(1) Fear:
In 2017, there was a video on SOHU, which was very similar to the story I told above, which caused a hot discussion among netizens. In the video, the son made a mistake, but the father said that "the son is not the fault of the father", and he also took a stick and forced the son to beat him.
In the video, the father first said to his son: "This time your responsibility is your father's fault, your father did not teach you well, and your father suffered this sin for you."
The father took the stick and asked his son to hit him, but the son did not move.
Dad yelled again: "If you call you to hit, you can fight, it's my fault!" Daddy didn't listen to him, did he? ”
The son was scared to cry.
Dad still did not stop, and continued to say that it was Dad's fault and that Dad would be punished. He then took the stick and began to beat himself, saying while hitting that it was his fault for not teaching his son well.
During the whole process, the son was crying and overwhelmed.
When children make mistakes, parents have a responsibility to educate them, but by warning children through self-masochism, children will only be full of self-blame, and they are convinced that the parents' harm is caused by themselves. When something like this happens again and again, they feel a sense of fear that a small mistake of theirs will once again bring harm to their parents.
They fear that their parents will once again experience feelings of overwhelm and guilt that they cannot face through masochistic behavior again and again.
Children will feel confused, so they become cautious and cautious, and even no longer dare to express themselves casually. Maybe the child will later become the perfect child in the eyes of the parents, but that is more to obey the parents and stop the parents' emotional control.
(2) Sense of responsibility:
Zhu Yuchen's mother in the popular variety show "My Family's That Kid" is another type of "self-masochistic educator". She gave 100 percent of her love and extended 100 percent control to every aspect of her son's life.
She and the crew, helped her son clean up, got up at four o'clock every day to help his son boil pear juice, and insisted on it for more than ten years. She says her purpose is that wherever her son goes, he will give him a warm kitchen.
The mother also confessed on the show that she would interfere with every relationship of her son, and if one day her son chose to get married, fifty percent of it was for herself. That is to say, the son will definitely listen to her opinions on the choice of partner. And he has not yet entered the marriage, perhaps not unrelated to his mother's interference.
Zhu Yuchen also has an older sister, who is still unmarried. The mother said that her daughter saw how she brought her eldest brother and felt that she could not bear such a responsibility.
The mother's seemingly meticulous love gives the child invisible pressure subconsciously. This will make the child feel sorry that if she does not listen to her mother or do something that her mother does not like, she is sorry for her to give so much.
Zhu Yuchen has also revealed in other interview programs that his mother's love has put too much pressure on him. He had doubts about love, but this heavy love came from the person closest to him, and he could not resist out of moral responsibility, so he could only mentally hint to himself, allowing himself to accept that it was all because of love.
Teacher Wu Zhihong once said that the love of parents is the only kind of love that points to separation. When children grow up to a certain age, parents should learn to let go and let children learn to be independent.
Zhu Yuchen's mother is the opposite, she hopes that she can take care of her children for the rest of her life and be their shelter from the wind. But in fact, she is using a sense of responsibility to grasp the control of the child's life, and the child can only stay in such a viscous family affection, unable to move forward.
(3) Guilt:
The Japanese drama "Calm Leisure" portrays a heroine who always pleases others, and her character is precisely because she has a mother who always blackmails her emotionally.
Once, after a typhoon, Kai's mother told her that her house was damaged and asked her to go home to see her. When she got home, she checked the house and found that it wasn't as scary as her mother had described. However, my mother tentatively said that she wanted to renovate the house and hoped that her daughter, who works in Tokyo, would be able to fulfill her filial piety.
But at this time, Kai happened to be saving money for opening a laundromat for herself, and her current money was only enough to pay the deposit. She hoped that her mother would wait until she saved some more money and helped her renovate the house.
She plucked up the courage to ask her mother, but she did not expect it, and her mother replied: "It doesn't matter, I will try to borrow money everywhere with my head down, and take my old life to pay back the money a little bit." Go after your happiness. After all, your happiness is my happiness. ”
When Kai left the house, she felt full of regret, so she transferred all the money she had saved for a long time to pay the laundromat deposit to her mother.
Throughout the process, the mother's threats and moral kidnappings are silent, even wrapped in care and love, but the impact on the daughter is enormous. The mother makes her daughter feel guilty in order to control her behavior and achieve her own ends.
When parents use their own efforts or sacrifices as chips in exchange for their children's attention or obedience, they are already playing the role of manipulators.
This type of parent's own world may often get out of hand and not get enough attention in the family of origin, so they will turn to the current intimate relationship and look for a sense of control. Approaching them, we will feel a heart that is insecure. They need a sense of self-sacrifice and authority to prove their existence.
A sense of sacrifice makes them feel worthy of love, while a sense of authority makes them feel that their demands should be obeyed. In fact, they are too afraid of setbacks, afraid that the people around them do not recognize themselves, afraid of being ignored, afraid that they have no value, so they pay more attention to their own feelings and ignore their influence on others.
Love then becomes control, becomes a threat, and eventually evolves into sin and fear.
3.
Wounded child, self that cannot be recovered
Children who grow up under masochistic education will be full of confusion and doubt about love or affection in their hearts. This type of education can sometimes be lifelong harmful to children.
(1) Loss of self-integrity
Like Zhu Yuchen or the heroine, they are typical of losing their integrity. Zhu Yuchen is like an old boy, and I think the reason why he has not yet entered the marriage may also have his own immaturity.
And Kai will please each other at work and socially, which also shows that she does not recognize herself in her heart. Children in this category will often doubt themselves and pay more attention to each other's needs than to their own feelings. Their ego is always incomplete, and the missing piece is actually their own recognition of themselves.
(2) Reverse psychology, retaliation against oneself, or revenge on the outside world
In the story mentioned at the beginning of the article, the child has a rebellious psychology in the emotional control again and again. He eventually chose to hurt himself against his parents.
In fact, many children will have a rebellious psychology, in the past two years, there are often cases of children killing their parents in the news, which is sad at the same time, we have also seen how many parents' love is becoming heavier and heavier.
Most children, out of moral pressure, do not retaliate directly against their parents, so they turn their harm to themselves or other people on the outside.
(3) Inability to enter into intimate relationships, imitating parents to become masochistic
There are also children, who grow up under the control of their parents, who are disappointed in family affection and eventually also disappointed in love. They are afraid to enter intimate relationships, cannot build a sense of security, and do not know how to maintain equal relationships.
When they have autonomy, they may follow their parents' example and become masochistic manipulators of others. For them, this approach works and gives them a great sense of control, which is the most missing thing in the process of growing up.
4.
The children's tomorrow belongs to themselves
Gibran has a poem called "Your Child, Not Your Child":
Your child, in fact, is not your child,
They are the children born of life's desire for itself,
They came into this world through you,
But it is not because of you,
They are around you, but they don't belong to you.
What you can give them is your love,
But it's not what you think.
Because they have their own thoughts.
What you can shelter is their body,
But it is not their soul,
For their souls belong to tomorrow,
It belongs to tomorrow that you can't dream of.
I think this poem explains very well that the best gift a parent can give to a child is his life, not their tomorrow, because the child's tomorrow will eventually be created by themselves. Parents who hope that controlling desires can let go of their tight hands, give their children more space and freedom, and stop manipulating their children's emotions.
You break their wings, how can they fly?